Why me?

I try to be strong. I'm trying to 'move on' with my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can choose to not let it affect my future. I reported my abuse and rape. The CPS decided that there wasn't enough evidence to charge him with my rape. Nothing I can do about that, so I'm focussing on the fact that they have charged him with my abuse - 20 of the charges that he is facing are against me. I can't change the fact that I was raped, but I can choose to not live my life as a victim. And for the most part, I am. I am focussing on the upcoming trial, and I am focussing on healing myself.

But sometimes... sometimes I have moments where I am filled with despair and I think "why me?". I get angry. I see my friends living their lives, and I am happy for them. They are getting married, starting a family. They are going out partying. They are worrying about exams. It's the life I should be living, if none of this had happened to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I envy them, each and every one of them. I don't for a second wish anyone harm - I just wish that I could be living that life, instead of worrying about facing my rapist in court.

I should be graduated from university by now. I should have a job. I should be happy.

At the same time, I am aware that everything happens for a reason. I trust in God. And because of what happened, I have met some amazing people. Had I not been raped, I would not have met some of the people that I consider to be my close friends. My friends are amazing and bring a lot of joy in to my life, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. In that respect I feel lucky.

That doesn't stop me from wondering what my life would have been like if I had never met him (but if somehow, my friends were still a part of my life). I wouldn't be plagued with nightmares. I wouldn't jump at a loud noise. I wouldn't flinch at an unexpected touch. I wouldn't find it so hard to trust people.

I don't often have these moments where I cry about the injustice of it all, but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream in anger at the hand that I've been dealt. I want to scream at him for what he's done to me. I want to scream for my lost childhood. I want to scream at a society that instead of teaching men not to rape, it teaches girls not to get raped. I just want to scream.

If I close my eyes, I can almost picture the woman that I could have been. Happy. Trusting. Full of life. A wicked sense of humour. I know that she is in there somewhere, and that slowly I am finding her. I just wish I didn't have to find her. I wish I hadn't been abused and raped, and that I didn't have to work so hard to overcome being a rape victim.

I know that there is nothing that can be done about my past. I know there is no point in saying "why me?". I know I should be looking forwards, not backwards. And for the most part I do look towards the future - the future where I have become that happy, carefree woman inside me that is fighting to get out. But sometimes, even knowing that there is no point, I can't help it, I think about the life I could have lived up until now and I want to know; why me?

I want to worry about normal things. I want to worry about exams, about relationships, about the next party. I don't want to worry about trying not to flinch when I am touched. I don't want to worry about having flashbacks. I don't want to worry about seeing my rapist.

I just want to be a normal girl living a normal life.

Instead, I am a statistic - I am one of the 20% of women that have been raped.

It is not fair, I know this. I know there is no reason. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But that doesn't stop me fantasing about the life I could be leading. It doesn't stop me from asking the question, even though I know there is no answer to it.

Why me?

It's a compliment

Yesterday I was meant to find out what my rapist has pleaded and whether we're going to trial or not. The lead up to that day was very stressful - all the worst case scenarios were running through my mind and I was getting more and more anxious by the second. I hardly slept. So, I waited the entire day for a call from the police, which never came. Eventually I found out that the date has been rescheduled - I will now find out on June 6th. Another two weeks.

Will there ever be an end? At the minute, it feels like my entire life reloves around rape, the aftermath of rape and the trial. It feels like there is no end in sight. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

In the meantime, I have come across a website which I really like. It's a website run by another rape survivor. The link for it can be found here. The articles range from rape-related to homophobia to politics. It's a very, very good site.

In on of her articles, she makes a point of addressing the issue of rape as a compliment. Unfortunately, in the society that we live in, a lot of people still have the opinion that rape is a compliment. I have heard the comment, when watching the news with my friends; 'why would anyone want to rape her?'. After all, only attractive women get raped, right? So if you're raped, really, you should take it as a compliment that you're just far too attractive and sexy - men can't restrain themselves around you, they HAVE to rape you.

This again links in with the view that society has that somehow the victim was asking for it. After all, rape is just sex. If someone finds you sexually attractive, that's a great confidence booster. So surely being raped should be the ultimate confidence booster? You were just THAT attractive.

Take it from me. Rape is not a compliment. Rape destroys lives.

Small people, tall people, thin people and fat people get raped. Rape is not about sex. Rape is not about passion. Rape is not about being attracted to someone. Rape is about control and dominance. Anyone can be raped and it's just the matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Some people laugh at women - and men - that become intimidated by someone else. I have heard people wondering why a certain person is so anxious, when they're obviously nothing special to look at. What rapist would chose an ugly person to rape, when he could have the pick of far more attractive women? This, again, suggests that rape is on the same level as consensual, passionate sex - yes, it's a bad thing, but it's not that bad. It's just a guy that's had too much to drink and doesn't realise that the passion isn't recipricated. Rape is just on the far end of the spectrum of consensual sex.

In reality, rape is on a completely different spectrum. Rape has nothing to do with sex. Rape is about ascerting your dominance, it is about proving that you are better and stronger than another person. Rape is about killing a part of a person. It is about destroying free will. It is about making a statement of ownership. It is about saying 'your life is in my hands, you have no control, you mean nothing. You are less than nothing'.

Rape makes a rapist feel powerful, invincible. He (or she) is in complete control of another person. He is forcing himself onto someone else. Your body is no longer yours - all that you are, your mind and your body, is at the mercy of the rapist. He can do whatever he wants with you.

Rape is painful. Rape is humiliating. Rape is torture. Rape destroys.

Rape is not a compliment.

Research

One of the benefits about studying psychology is that I have access to a lot of books and research about PTSD, pedophiles, rape etc. I probably shouldn't be looking at these topics, as I know I need to "move on". But by reading about these things, it helps me to understand my own feelings and behaviour. Once I know why I act in a certain way, then I can consciously make an effort to stop that behaviour - if it's detremental to my well being.

Let's start with PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Before it was known as PTSD, it was called shell-shock or combat-fatigue, and was only applied to soldiers that had fought in a war. In 1980, that changed. A description of PTSD by Thompson (1997) states that PTSD is an anxiety disorder which occurs in response to an extreme psychological or physical trauma outside the range of normal human experience. A lot of different experiences can cause PTSD - being in a natural disaster such as an earthquake, physical threat, witnessing other people's deaths etc. Abuse and rape also cause PTSD.

The problem with PTSD (according to Brewin, 1998) is that sufferes attempt to avoid - but cannot prevent- vivid, emotionally arousing images repeatedly intruding into their waking or sleeping minds.

Heh. Yup, that sounds about right. I constantly try and forget about what happened, I don't want to think about it. But, often when I least expect it, memories will pop up and I'm forced to think about what happened. This happened a few days ago - I met up with a friend, we went out for dinner and a few drinks. In the middle of a sentence, his face just popped in to my head. I could see him grinning at me - that awful, evil grin of his. It was like he was right in front of me. So I stopped mid-sentence, collected my thoughts, tried to push his face out of my mind and slow my breathing down (my heart had started to pound quite quickly). This happened a few times. My poor friend, she must have thought she was having dinner with a crazy person, the way I would suddenly start and stop a conversation.

Other effects of PTSD include: severe anxiety, irritability, insomnia, poor concentration, detachment, inability to feel emotion, flashbacks and distressing dreams. Coincidentally, a lot of these symptoms are similar to those of depression. Except with PTSD you are more likely to suffer from intrusive memories and feeling helpess. People that are suffering from PTSD also have a higher pain threshold, as the brain of PTSD sufferers releases far more endoprhins than is normal. (Endoprhins are natural opiates with pain-killing properties).

Now that I understand that, I can also start to understand why I self-harmed. For so long I felt numb. I felt dead to the world. Cutting and burning myself was one way that I could make myself feel something. And the pain wasn't that bad. It was just intense enough for me to feel it, but not bad enough for me to stop. And seeing my own blood helped me as well - to remind myself that I was alive, that I wasn't trapped in a nightmare.

Another major symptom of PTSD is the startle reflex. Everyone has it - if you hear a loud noise, you tense up (especially your neck muscles, as the neck is very vulnerable to injury). But if you suffer from PTSD, then you are already tense. Therefore, the starle reflex is much more intense in those that suffer from PTSD than in those that don't. Take today, for example. I was visting a dear friend of mine and stroking her dog. We were chatting about this and that. Then her dog sneezed. I jumped quite visibly, as if someone had just jumped out at me. At the minute, my startle reflex is quite bad and I find myself jumping at the smallest of things.

Right, enough about PTSD. Let's look at pedophiles. According to my books, pedophiles tend to be males, but women can be pedophiles as well. There is a distinct difference between a pedophile and a child rapist. Pedophiles are sexually attracted to children, but do not wish to harm them. They are sexually aroused by children, not by inflicting pain. Child rapists, on the other hand, get sexually aroused by children and by inflicting pain upon that child. I suppose I was lucky in that I was targeted by a pedophile, not a child rapist.

One thing which I did come across and found disturbing, was a study conducted by Hall et al in 1995. They showed men various sexual photographs and measured the arousal in the penis. It was found that 1/4 of them became aroused at child pornography. A quarter. That is an extremely scary statistic. However, other factors need to be taken into account with this one - a lot of them were already aroused when shown the images of the children and merely continued to be aroused. Fantasy must also be taken in to account - some men may fantasize about children, but would never act upon their fantasies. Just as some women fantasize about being raped, but would never want to be raped for real.

So what causes a pedophile to act on their fantasies? According to Looman (1995), pedophiles tend to fantasise about children when their mood is low, when they are feeling down. However, having these fantasies enhances their negative mood, causing them to have more fantasies which in turn enhances their negative mood even further. This downward spiral, according to Looman, could be the cause of why some pedophiles act on ther fantasies and some don't - depending how far down the spiral they are.

Pedophiles also have low self-esteem, low impulse control, low social maturity and low social skills. Most older heterosexual pedophiles have at one point been married. The man that raped me was married - he even had kids.

"Because overt physical force is seldom used in pedophilia, the child molester often denies that he is actually forcing himself on his victim. But it is disingenuous to assume that there is no coercion. The pedophile takes advantage of the naivete of the victim and of the imbalanced powere relationship that exists between an adult and a child. Sometimes the molester rationalizes that he is doing something good for the child, despite the betrayal of trust that is inherent in child sexual abuse and despite the serious nergative psychological consequences that can befall the abused child some years later."

That particular paragraph rings true. My abuser always told me that he was helping me, that what we were doing was good for me. The exact phrase he used was that "he was helping me discover myself". I can still hear him say it. "I am helping you discover yourself". It makes me sick to my stomach.

I was going to write more about pedophiles, the effects of childhood sexual abuse, rapists and the effects of rape. But I can't - I've worn myself out.

I guess having access to these books and studies is both a blessing and a curse. I want - I need - to know why I am experiencing everything. But at the same time, thinking about all of this makes me emotionally exhausted and anxious.

I know some people will say 'don't research this, try and forget about it'. My response? I've been trying to forget about it for almost half my life. So far, trying to forget about it isn't working. So instead, I want to know about it. I want to learn about it and try to understand, try to comprehend what happened to me and why.

Worn out

The police have sent me a statement that I need to sign. It's the transcript from the video interview I gave back in February. 81 pages. I have to read each page and sign it at the bottom.

It's horrible.

As I'm reading each page I can vividly remember giving the interview and all the emotions I felt at the time, and I can also vividely remember the events I'm describing.

So far I have read 53 pages. I've read myself describing my rape. I've read myself describing the abuse. Telling the police was hard enough - giving the video statement was emotionally and physically draining. It left me on edge for days afterwards. All those memories that I had tried to push to the back of my mind were suddenly swimming round and round in my head.

And now I'm reading what I said. It feels like a bandage that has been ripped off a wound far too soon.

It's difficult to read the words that I spoke, to know that I am a victim. I try to think of myself as a survivor - but those words that I spoke, written in black and white, those aren't the words of a survivor. Those are the words of a victim. It's difficult to read.

I am completely worn out. Every time I close my eyes I see the events that I described. It's as if I've travelled back in time and am experiencing them again.

If I'm like this now, what will I be like for a trial? I've only just realised how difficult the trial will be. I knew it would be hard, but after reading through my statement again, I've only just realised how completely and utterly drained it will leave me. I will be an emotional wreck. I will be exhausted.

But I'll be damned if I'm going to let that stop me. Yes, I will be a wreck. But I will be stronger for it afterwards. I've survived 5 years of abuse. I've survived being raped. I will survive reading this statement and I will survive the trial.

Around the corner

I had the meeting with the university about my request to re-take this year. I think it went well, and they should agree to it. That's a huge weight off my mind. It means I can have a fresh start - this year has been extremely difficult and it's taken all my energy to keep myself together, I had no energy left to focus on my work. And as such, my attendance and the work that I did do was abysmal. So I'm extremely relieved and greatful that I have been given the chance to re-take this year.

I have also heard from the police. The case has now gone from the Magistrate's Court to the Crown Court. The hearing that is taking place on May 22nd is to sort out the practicalities for when it goes to trial (I'm deaf and wear hearing aids, so they need to make sure that the T-loop is on etc) and to hear what he pleads.

I have been told to expect that he will plead not guilty.

So. It sounds like wWe are going to trial. He will plead not guilty.

Oh boy.

I have made the decision to go on the witness stand, but I will be behind a screen. I want to face him. But at the same time, I don't want him to be able to psych me out. I don't want to freeze up on the stand. And there is a huge possibility that I would freeze up if I saw him in person - the last time I saw him was when he raped me.

I just want this to be over so that I can move on.

The lead up to the trial, the trial itself and after the trial will be extremely difficult. I know I'm going to be emotionally drained. I'm already emotionally drained - the meeting with the university took almost all my strength. I have no idea how the trial will affect me.

But this is what I want. This is what we have all been working towards. Finally, after almost 1 1/2 years since I reported the abuse and rape, it looks like the trial is just around the corner.

And breathe...

Take Two

I've been thinking about something for a while. At first I dismissed it, thought it would be seen as a failure, as giving up. But recently I've been giving it a lot of thought, and have decided to do it.

I'm not going to be taking my exams this summer. Instead, I'm going to re-take the year. It's not ideal. I don't want to do it. I want to finish university and get on with my life. But this year has been a pretty bad year. I've struggled a lot with my depression and PTSD. My sleeping has been all over the place. When I do sleep, I'm usually plagued by nightmares. I've struggled with anxiety and have had panic attacks. My mind just has not been on my work.

If I took the exams this year, I would maybe scrape a pass. I don't want to scrape a pass. I know I am capable of much more than that. I have my heart set on the career that I want to go in to once I finish university. To go in to that career I need more than just a degree, I need a good degree. If I were to continue, I wouldn't be able to do what I want to do with my life. I don't want that. I don't want what he did to me to affect the rest of my life. I refuse to let that happen.

So, I don't see re-sitting my second year as a failure. Failure would be not being able to do the job that I want to do, because of him. Because I was too stubborn to admit that what he did to me has had a lasting effect. Instead, I'm putting my hands up and admitting it. This year has been difficult and I haven't been able to focus on university.

The process won't be easy though - the university has to approve my request. They need letters from my doctors and psychologist proving that I've hardly taken anything in. They rarely let people re-take a year, as they believe it's not fair on the other students that are taking the year for the first time. I can see their point. However, I'm still going to fight for it. I just need to prove that I wasn't capable of work this year and that I wasn't able to go to many lectures or take in all the information on the course.

So, right now I'm busy getting in touch with my doctors and psychologist, asking them to provide evidence that will hopefully persuade the university to allow me to re-sit. I have a meeting in two weeks with the powers that be to discuss everything, and then I will know.

I have also, finally, heard back from my police liason officer. My abuser will be going to the Police Case Management Hearing on the 22nd of May to put in his plea. Once that has been done, the trial (if there is a trial - which is looking more and more likely) will take place soon after that. My liason officer said I have three options as to give evidence. I can either; a) have the video statement played in court. b) Give live evidence via a video link, where I will be in a small room outside the court and would appear on a TV in the courtroom. Or c) go in to court and give evidence from the witness box, in which case I could have a screen put up so that he wouldn't be able to see me while I give evidence.

He said the decision is completely up to me. I think I will go for the last option. It's the more difficult option, but it's also the best option for the prosecution. Juries like to see the victims. And I think in the long run it will help me to heal. I'll give it some more thought, but I'm pretty sure that's what I will do.

In the meantime, while I'm deciding this, I have been asked to gather my school records and medical records. I guess to for the prosecution to show that a) I mentioned what happened to me to the school counsellor at the time (so therefore it is unlikely that I made it up, as the defense will claim) and b) to show the long-lasting impact the abuse has had on me. Again, proving that I didn't make it up.

After months of silence, it seems like things are finally progressing. My liason officer warned me that now things will happen very fast. Oh boy.

I'm dreading it, but it's something that I want to do. It's something I need to do.

I'm looking forward to when this is all over though, and I can get back to my life.