Yesterday I went to the Crown Court. I was met by my police liason officer and a woman from victim support. They showed me around, told me what to expect, and answered my questions.
I've seen the court room - not what I expected it to look like at all. I blame it on watching too much television. I sat in the witness chair, which faces the jurors. When I give my evidence, there will be a screen around me, so that the only people I will be able to see are the jurors, the lawyers, the judge and the note-takers. I won't see him, or any members in the gallery.
At first I didn't want a screen. But if I break down - and there's a strong chance I will - then I didn't want him to see me cry. So I chose a screen. Steps have also been made so that I don't run in to him in the court house. I will enter the building through a side entrence and be taken to a waiting room, where my police liason officer will be. This waiting room is for witnesses and victims, through doors that you can only enter if you have the code. When I give my evidence, I will be the first one led in and the last one out - so I will not have to lay eyes on him.
I've asked my parents not to sit there whilst I give evidence. I don't think I would be able to speak about it if I knew that they were sitting there, listening. It would make me uncomfortable. It's not something a parent should ever have to hear. I need to be able to give my evidence without worrying about how it's affecting someone else. In this instance, I need to be selfish. I can't worry about them - I need to worry about getting through the defence's questioning. My parents have been extremely understanding - I know they want to be there to support me, and I know it will be hard on them, but they've agreed.
I won't be alone though, even though I won't be able to see her, as I will be behind a screen, my Aunt will be there. And I know someone else will be as well, looking down on me from above.
In all honesty, I haven't given the trial much thought at all. I've had other things on my mind, as I mentioned in my previous post. As the time gets closer, it will probably weigh on my mind more, but right now, I am heartbroken and trying to cope with the death of a much loved one. I miss her, and the pain of losing her hasn't decreased even slightly. It makes anything and everything else pale in comparison.
