The problem

All in all, I'm doing alright.  I'm getting my life back on track.

But sometimes I feel as if I'm not doing it fast enough.  I feel as if people are thinking "you've got the guilty verdict, you've got the amazing sentencing, everything worked out so much better than expected - so why aren't you healed?  Move on with your life already".

I feel like there is a huge expectation for me to suddenly be magically better.  It feels like I shouldn't have any problems anymore.  It seems like people expected all of my problems to disappear with the guilty-verdict.  I can see their point - the perpetrator of those crimes is behind bars, and will be for a long, long time.  Believe me - that thought alone still makes me want to do a little happy dance and shout with joy.  I feel like my life is just starting while his is over.

So what's the problem, you ask?

The problem is I still have nightmares.  The problem is that I still have triggers that will bring back a memory I'd rather not remember.  Not a flashback - those are awful, and thankfully, they are very infrequent - but a very vivid memory.  One can pop up at any time and knock the breath out of me.  I still haven't figured out all the triggers - certain music, a turn of phrase, a topic of conversation, a smell, a picture...

The problem is that his face still pops in to my mind when I close my eyes.  I'm not scared of him anymore, I could look him in the eye.  But it's still not a face I want in my mind before going to sleep.

The problem is that I still flinch.  I'm still wary.  I still don't trust.

I want more than anything to be 'normal'.  To go to bed before 4am and wake up before noon.  To finish university, to hold a steady job, to be able to provide for and look after myself.  I'm getting there, slowly.  But it's going to take time.  Hopefully by the time university starts again in October, I'll be ready.

But right now, I'm not.  I know full well that I am still a mess.

Memories that I had buried, are now coming to the surface.  I'd rather forget them.

I feel like people expect me to be better and to be this strong woman that can handle anything, when in fact, I still have days where I can barely bring myself to get out of bed.

I know there comes a point where "enough is enough and you need to move on".  The last thing I want to do is 'bore' people with what's going around my head, especially when people have their own things going on.  I don't want to be that person that can't move on with their life.  I don't want to be that person that people avoid talking to because they're stuck in the past.

But at the same time - I'm not magically healed.  There is no set healing time for 5 years of abuse, and rape.  It will take time.  I am going to have bad days.  I am going to be triggered about something.  But I am also going to pick myself up after a bad day and do my damned hardest to make the next day a good day.

The bottom line?  I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family.  I don't want them to feel like I'm wallowing.  I want to get my life back on track.  I know that if I stay in the past, I'll stay hurt and I'll stay a victim.  I can't heal unless I'm in the present and looking towards the future.  I'm working on it.  It's just not always easy.

One Billion Rising

It's been almost a month since I last wrote in here.  Not because I didn't have anything to say, but just because I wanted to take a break for a bit.  For the past two years my life has revolved about being either a rape victim or a rape survivor, and writing about it.  For the past month, I've just wanted to be me - I wanted to feel the emotions, and not have to describe and explain them.  I just wanted to 'be' for a while.

So, I've taken the break, and now I'm back.  What have I been doing?  I'm currently training to become a First Aider with St John's Ambulance.  The course is fantastic and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.  However, it's not easy going.  I still struggle with depression and insomnia, which means that getting up early to go to the classes isn't easy.  In fact, it's left me very drained and exhausted, and I've had to reschedule the exam.  I'm not giving up though - baby steps.

I know most people reading this will think I'm being a drama queen; 'you struggle with getting up in the morning?  Join the club.  You're just lazy'.

This is not the case.  I have insomnia, which means I struggle to get to sleep.  An average night for me looks like this: I go to bed at 9pm.  I falls asleep, and then wake up at 10.pm.  I lie in bed, tossing and turning.  I fall asleep at 3am.  I wake up at 4am.  I fall asleep at 4.30am.  I wake up at 5.30am.  I fall asleep at 6.30am.  My alarm goes off at 7am.

I've quit smoking for over 2 months.  I've been spending a lot of time with my friends.  And I've been involved with One Billion Rising.

One Billion Rising is happening tomorrow all over the world.  Why 'One Billion Rising?'.  Because it's estimated that One Billion women will be either raped or abused in their lifetime.   This is unacceptable.  So, all over the world, women and men are coming together in protest.  There will be dancing, there will be speeches, and hopefully there will be change.

If you're interested in attending one near you, why not click on THIS LINK.

Some of the banners we made for the rising tomorrow

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.  I hope there will be a good turnout - a hell of a lot of planning and organising has gone in to it (my part in it has been tiny).  It is a cause that is very close to my heart - it is time we stopped living in a society where women are STILL considered second class citizens.

So come on people, find where there will be a rising tomorrow, and join!  But most importantly - have fun whilst rising!