Fighting

I had a nightmare last night. Haven't had one of those in a while. It was a horrific nightmare as well. Sometimes they're not so bad - yes, when I wake up from them it leaves me a bit shaky, but I can shrug it off. But the nightmare last night... it was a bad one. I couldn't get back to sleep again afterwards, every time I closed my eyes I saw the images from the dream. I knew it wasn't real, knew it was just a dream, but it left me very shaken. I was up for almost 5 hours, before eventually being able to fall asleep again around 6am.

This of course meant I was out of sorts all day. Even when I woke up afterwards, the nightmare still lingered. I could feel it going round and round in my head. Every time I tried to think, tried to focus on my studies, those images would pop back up. I couldn't block them out. It seemed the harder I tried to forget them and focus on something else, the more they tried to claw their way to my consciousness.

The only way I could stop them was to watch TV. Not even educational TV, but TV that I could switch my mind off to. Something that didn't require me to think, something I could switch off to. I could switch my brain off and just let the images of the TV push down the images of my nightmare.

It works. But it's not exactly great - I need to study. I have exams coming up. I'm already worried about them as it is (think everyone taking exams worries about them!). The last thing I need is to not be able to study because of PTSD.

I know I need to be strong. I am fighting PTSD. I am fighting depression. I am fighting to stay focused on my studies. And I'm fighting him (legally, obviously).

It's just... it's a lot of fighting. It leaves me exhausted. It leaves me tired, so very tired.

I love my course. I absolutely love it. I find it fascinating and I want to pursue a career in it. It's just difficult, because when I least expect it, a flashback will happen, or I'll have a nightmare that leaves me shaken for the entire day.

I'm tired of fighting. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. And if I have to fight to enjoy life, well then so be it.

I'm just so tired of fighting.

V