Still nothing

Still no verdict yet.  If there’s one thing I've learnt, it’s that the law moves extremely slowly.  Apparently the judge alone gave a 3 hour closing speech.  Three hours.  Is that a good thing?  Or a bad thing?

I’m terrified that he will be found not guilty.  Everyone keeps telling me that no matter what happens; I've done all I can.  It’s completely out of my hands.  I need to move on with my life.  I agree with them.  But it’s not that easy.

Have I really done all I can?  Could I have been a stronger witness?  If only I hadn't deleted all of his emails, his texts, his voice-mails etc.  But I was a stupid kid, I wanted him out of my life.  After he raped me, I wanted to wipe him out of existence.  The closest I could get was wiping any and all evidence of him out of my life.  I can see now that that was an incredibly stupid thing to do.  Had I kept everything of his, then this would be an open and shut case.

He claims we met when I was 16.  My diary disproves that, but so would the emails.

He claims it was never sexual.  All the pictures would have disproved that.

He claims I’m making it all up.  Again; the pictures, the emails and the texts would disprove that.

I’m kicking myself right now.  But I was so convinced that no one would believe me, that I would just put a lid on it and get on with my life.  I never thought I would report him or take him to court.  But I have.  And I wish I still had those emails and pictures and texts. 

What if the jury says he’s innocent?  All of this will have been for nothing.  Except that the police are aware of him.  But still… I have no doubt about the fact that if he’s found innocent, that it will have a big impact on him.  One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do was go to the police and report him, be questioned about him and go to court.  If he’s found innocent, it means that I wasn't believed.  That I would make something like this up, that I would lie after having sworn on the Holy Bible, that I’m a liar.

One of the worst things for a child abuse victim/rape victim is to not be believed.  Now I need to wait and see if these 12 strangers believe me, or him.

Because I told the truth on the stand.  I was sworn in.  I held the Holy Bible and swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  And I did.  Even when it made me look bad, I told the truth.  He didn't, he couldn't have.  Unless he admitted it, which I doubt.  He couldn't be telling the truth if he's disputing everything that I've said.

And my Aunt told me that his daughter was in the court, in the gallery.  Who the fuck would bring their daughter to a trial like this?  She’s only a teen.  Why would he do that?  Why would he put her through that?  Why would his wife allow it?  It’s sick.  Just sick.

I also worry – did he hurt his daughter?  He hurt me, but does that mean that he hurt his daughter as well?

One of the things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life is knowing that he could have hurt someone else.  I could have stopped that from happening, if I had spoken up sooner.  I pray that he hasn't hurt someone else, but I just don’t know.  And that kills me.  I will have to live with the uncertainty and guilt for the rest of my life.

I’m worried.  I’m really worried.  I want to know the verdict so I can deal with it.  Right now I feel like I’m living in limbo. 

I just want this to be over

They've found him

I'm shaking. I'm actually shaking. I'm trying my best not to cry. I'm just completely and utterly shocked and stunned. I don't know what to think. The police have just called. They think they've found my rapist. They've arrested him. They want me to go down to London to pick him out from several pictures on a computer.

He's denying all the charges. He's said I'm making it up. I feel sick. I had hoped he would confess to being a peadophile, to abusing me, so that I wouldn't have to do anything. But he's not, he's denying everything. I suppose I'm not surprised - of course he's denying it. But I did hope.

I'm going to have to see him again. I know it's only a picture, that he won't see me, I know that. It's just a picture. But I'm terrified. I'm going to see him again. After six years. The last time I saw him was the night that he raped me. And now I'm going to see a photograph of him.

What if I don't pick him out? I'm a psychology student, I know that eye-witness testimonies are flawed and unreliable. What if I pick the wrong man? What if I don't recognise him? I close my eyes and I can see him - but what if the picture I have of him in my mind is nothing like the reality? The whole case relies on me pointing him out - if I don't pick him out, then the case is dropped.

I can't even describe the range of emotions I'm feeling. I'm just in shock. I never thought this day would arrive. I'm glad it has, don't get me wrong, I want him caught, I want him in jail and punished for what he did, I want him stopped so that he can't hurt anyone else. But I'm terrified as well.

I never want to lay eyes on him again, but I know I have to. That he's been caught is a good thing. But now I have to see a picture of him, and then maybe face him in court. It's terrifying.

I feel sick.

I'm also craving a cigarette right now. I haven't smoked in 35 days, but right now I want nothing more.

I just can't begin to describe how I'm feeling. I can't stop shaking. My instinct is to withdraw into myself, to hide away and process it in my own time. To stew on it for a while. I just want to hide away, to escape everything. I know that's unhealthy and completely The Wrong Thing to do.

I just feel sick and can't stop shaking and I'm terrified of somehow messing up and ruining the police case.

Me