Til It Happens To You

It's been a while since I last posted.  In all honesty, I wasn't planning on making any new posts.  I have closed the chapter on that part of my life - instead of living in the past, I am living in the now and focussing on my future.  Life is good.  Really good.

Sitting here now, I've had to stop and think about how many years ago the trial was.  Almost 3 years.  It feels like a life-time ago.  I have been living - and loving - my life.  It hasn't been smooth-sailing, there's been a lot of ups and downs.  My health isn't great - Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome being the main culprit (frequent joint dislocations, chronic pain, fatigue, migraines etc.).  Learning to live with an ever-worsening condition isn't fun, but (mainly thanks to my family & friends) it's manageable, and with physiotherapy I've managed to put the "worsening" part on hold for a while.  There have been problems with my family's health as well, and losing my Nana (this year) has been devastating.

However.  It is important to cherish the good parts of life - and there have been many good parts.   I'm now in my third year of university - finally!  The end result (my degree) is within sight!  Very exciting.  I'm no longer a social recluse - I have a fantastic set of people around me and am thoroughly enjoying going out & being with my friends (when I'm physically able to do so).  I have a beautiful Goddaughter that I love very much.  Her cheeky smile can brighten up anyone's day.  I've moved in to my own place - and am loving every minute of it.  I've been extremely lucky in that I've been able to travel with my family to wonderful and exotic places.  I've also started dating again.  And you know what?  Dating is fun!

Of course, there are moments.  These are happening less and less, thankfully.  However, I suspect they will never quite go away - what happened to me will always be there.  It's a part of my life and always will be, but I refuse to let it be the defining part of my life.  So when those moments do happen, it's important to acknowledge them, remind yourself how far you've come, deep breaths and then move on.  Of course, some moments last longer than others, and that's okay too.  But there's a fine line between acknowledging the moment and wallowing in it.  Believe me, I've done my fair share of wallowing in the past.  Whilst it was needed at the time, it is not a place I want to return to.  Nor is it a place that I have to fight to stay away from - I am genuinely happy within myself.  I love myself.  I respect myself.  I am confident and I have self-esteem.  I am a far cry from the woman I was 3 years ago.  And I am pretty proud of how far I've come.

To anyone reading this that feels like things are never going to get better, that you will never be able to "move on" (I hate that expression) - you will.  It takes time and energy and hard work, but you will.  Don't give up.  If need be, call a help-line (personally, the Samaritans worked for me), call a friend.  Talk to someone.  Reach out.  Because remember: you are not alone.

Okay, enough rambling.  This was only supposed to be a short entry!  Moving on to the reason for writing this post.

I've just watched Lady Gaga's new video "Til It Happens To You".

Luckily, there is a warning on the video so I was able to prepare myself.  But...

Holy cow.

Bloody hell.

It's a good video.  It's a really, really good video.  It's a video that needs to be seen, that needs to be talked about.  Because in all honesty, this shit needs to stop.

We're living in the 21st century - this should not be a common crime, it should not be an accepted crime and it should most definitely not be a crime where it is the victim that is blamed.  Ever.

Watching this video brought back unpleasant memories (to say the least).  However, for me personally, the ending is very powerful.  The message is loud and clear: unless you have personally experienced sexual assault or rape, you can't possibly imagine what it is to go through it.  For a time, it is a living hell.  However - whilst you can't understand, you can help bring someone back from their living hell, just by being there and being a supportive friend.  Don't bail when you're most needed.  Be there.

There is still a long way to go, but steps are being made.  Recently schools have started teaching young boys and girls (separately) how to avoid rape - by telling the young boys that if they see it happening to intervene.  They are teaching these young boys to respect women and to accept that no means no.  They are teaching them that rape is bad.  They are teaching them to not stand by, but to act.  And it's working.  More schools need to implement these programmes so that the survivors (both women & men) do not feel shame or blamed for being sexually assaulted.  There are a lot of mindsets that need changing.  A hell of a lot.  But slowly, we're getting there.

Because videos like this by popular artists are keeping this topic in the spotlight.  They keep the discussion going and they are supporting the ever-growing movement and they are slowly challenging the mindset of the group of people that believe that sexual assault or rape is sometimes justifiable.  No matter if the perpetrator is a male or female (or anything in between) or the victim is a male or female (or anything in between) - it is NEVER the survivor's fault.  Ever.

If you want to watch this very powerful video, here you go.  IMPORTANT: TRIGGER WARNING

Victim Blaming

I should never have to write a post about victim blaming.  Our society should support victims, should listen to them, and should help them.  Instead, our society says "it's your fault for getting raped.  You should have known better.  You shouldn't have put yourself in the sort of situation that leads to rape."

Our society never blames the rapist.  In fact, our society sympathises with rapists.  You only need to look at the reactions to the Steubenville rape case recently.  The public supported the rapists - after all, they're just young boys that don't know the difference between right and wrong.  How could they possibly know that repeatedly having sex with an unconscious girl was rape?  How could they possibly know that urinating on said girl was abusive?  How could they possibly know that laughing about raping her and filming themselves raping her was wrong?

There was a huge public outcry.  Not, I might add, to demand justice, but to demand leniency for the rapists.  Those poor boys have had their lives destroyed.  Those poor boys are now in jail.  Those poor boys.

What about the poor girl?  She was raped.  Those 'poor boys' forced themselves on her.  They took advantage of her.  Their lives were destroyed?  What about hers?  She has to live with the knowledge that her peers are calling her a slut and wishing that she would die.  People took to twitter to wish her dead.  People said that the boys had learnt their lessons and it wasn't worth ruining their lives over.  Even celebrities backed the rapists, by claiming it was the girl's fault for drinking too much.

That's right, of course!  By having a few drinks you're telling everyone around you that you want to have sex, that you want people to have sex with you while you're unconscious, that you want to be urinated on and that you want to be filmed being abused.  Silly me, how could I forget? 

After all, you have to be so careful nowadays.  Don't wear revealing clothes - but don't look like a prude either.  Don't sleep around - but sleep with enough people so you're not a 'tease'.  Don't walk home alone, don't walk home with acquaintances - in fact, don't walk home at all.  But don't take a taxi either - because the taxi driver might not be able to resist you.  Don't make yourself 'too attractive' so you won't attract the wrong kind of attention.  But don't look ugly either - because if you don't fit society's idea of attractiveness, then you're lucky to get raped in the first place.  After all, only attractive people get raped.

I know, how about instead of having all of these do's and don'ts for potential victims, we have only one rule for potential rapists?  DON'T RAPE.  There, simple.

I'm sick and tired of hearing people blame the victims.  WE ARE NOT AT FAULT.

And it's exactly this attitude - this victim blaming - that stops rape victims from coming forward.  It's why I waited 5 years after the abuse ended to finally tell the truth.  It's why I never said anything while it was happening.  Because I knew that I would be blamed.  I was 12 when it started, but I knew that it was my fault.  Because, after all, only 'sluts' (I hate that word) get raped.  Only bad girls are abused.

I waited for years because I was afraid that no one would believe me.  As it turns out, it was right that I waited.  It took those 5 years to build up my strength and courage.  As a young victim, I would not have been able to handle the backlash that was sent my way.  Close friends asking me 'why I didn't just put a stop to it'.  A friend's boyfriend asking me 'who would want to rape you?'.  Someone even told me that they think most rape charges are false and that the guys (ie RAPISTS) are hard done by.  Being told that the rape charges were being dropped as it was a case of 'he said she said'.  The child abuse chargers were accepted, and we went to trial.  At trial it felt like I was raped all over again.  My life was scrutinised.  I was accused of being a liar, told that I was making things up; that it was a fantasy in my head.

(Please not - I am SO glad to have finally told people.  Because most people stood by me - my family, my friends that mattered, and the police.  I was believed.  I was able to finally start healing.  I stood up to him.  I took my power, my life, back.)

Every day, survivors are having to stand up and fight to be heard, to put the blame where it really lies - on the rapist.  We are having to explain what it means to be raped.  We have to explain, over and over and over again, why it is NOT OUR FAULT.  We are having to shout I DID NOT WANT TO BE RAPED.  And time and time again we are ignored.  Time and time again people stand by the rapist.  

There is so much evidence out there that clearly show that as a society, we criminalise a rape victim and support the rapist.  You only need to look at that time a judge stated in court that it wasn't a real rape, but just a technical rape.  Or read the statistics that explain why cops don't believe rape victims.  Or read this beautifully written blog entry written by a rape survivor, explaining how she was raped.  Or read this disgusting article blaming Nigella Lawson for being the apparent victim of domestic violence. Or type in Google 'rape victim blamed' or 'rape victim shaming'.  The results should disgust you.

I just do not understand why, in this day and age, we are still victim blaming.  We are enlightened in so many ways, and yet we are still failing so miserably.  We are putting the blame on the victim, instead of on the person that committed the crime.  In what kind of world does that make any sort of sense?

Preparing myself

I've been having a bit of a down day today.  I've done nothing I was meant to do, haven't been able to find the energy.  The past few days I've been on a bit of a high as I was keeping myself very, very busy.  But this morning when I woke up, I knew I was in a low.

I've had worse days.  I've not had any flashbacks.  I've not had any PTSD symptoms.  I just feel down.  Think I've run out of energy and my mind is saying;  'ENOUGH, you're going to go through something horrible on Monday, stop burying your head in the sand and DEAL WITH IT.  You need to prepare yourself.  Running around making yourself exhausted is not the way to go.  Figure out your emotions, walk through what will happen in your mind, prepare yourself as best as you can.  STOP PRETENDING you're okay, because you're not, you're worried.  DEAL WITH IT.'

So, today I'm dealing with it.  I'm imagining what will happen.  On Sunday we'll drive down to London.  I'll probably sleep most of the way.  When we arrive in our hotel, I'll try and make myself at home in my room.  I'm going to bring some pictures with me, because I know that after Monday, I'll want to return to a place that feels safe and familiar.  I doubt I'll get any sleep Sunday evening.

Monday, I'll have to be up bright and early.  I'll shower, get dressed, try and eat something.  Then we'll drive to the court house, where I will meet up with my Police Liaison Officer (who I have never met, as the guy that was my PLO for the duration of the investigation has retired).  I'll enter the court house through the side entrance and sit and wait in the witness area.  I'll try and read the book that I brought with me.  I'll look out the window.  I'll pace around.  I won't want to talk to anyone.  I'll try and write some (bad) poetry.  I'll keep checking the clock, until finally, I'm called to testify.

Then I will walk in to the empty courtroom, where a curtain will be put around me in the witness box.  The court room will fill up with the jury, lawyers, people in the gallery, and him.  First the prosecution will question me.  Then the defense will question me, and try to make me out to be the perpetrator  and not the victim.  I will probably break down and cry.  Once the questioning has finished, everyone will leave the court room, then I will leave the courtroom and go back to the witness area, and wait to be called up again.

In the witness room, I will probably cry a bit and be in shock from what just happened.  I will probably be very shaken.  I'll try and eat something, if I can stomach anything.  I won't want to talk to or touch anyone.  I know that will be difficult for my parents, they will want to comfort me.  But I will have just re-lived 5 years of sexual abuse, and will not want to be touched.

We will go back to our hotel.  I'll probably withdraw in to myself, as I try and process all that has happened. I'll go to my room and calm myself down.  I'll probably be exhausted so will want to sleep.  I'll need to factor food in at some point, if I can stomach it.  Then the whole thing will be repeated on Tuesday.  I will also probably be chain smoking the entire time.

Okay.

Okay.

That's not too bad.  Nowhere in my scenario will I run in to him - precautions have been made, that will not happen.  Yes, the defense will try and break me.  But I've been broken before, and I've rebuilt myself from scratch - I'm a pretty damn strong woman now, and whatever s/he says won't break me.  They are only words, s/he is only doing his/her job.  I am safe, I will not be physically attacked.  Yes, s/he will try and trip me up and make out that it was my fault that I was sexually abused.  But I can deal with that.  I'm strong.

I can do this.  I will do this.

I'm not a trusting child, or a frightened teenager.  I am a strong woman that is facing up to the demons of my past.  And I'll be damned if he ever breaks me again.

2 weeks

In exactly two weeks the trial will start.  I'm getting more and more nervous.  I'm worried about the defense lawyer interrogating me.  I'm worried the jury won't believe me and he'll get off.  I'm just worried.

I'm also angry.  There wasn't enough evidence to charge him with my rape, instead he's being charged for sexual abuse spanning 5 years.  It should be him that's worried about the trial, not me.  As a rape victim, my past will be put on trial, not his.  And I find that unbelievable.  It frustrates and angers me.  And it terrifies me.  What will the defense say?  That at at 12 years old I wanted it?  From what I've heard, this is exactly what the defense says.  And a lot of the time the jury believes them.

So yes, I'm terrified.  I'm also ill at the moment.  It is the worst possible time to be ill.  I need to have all my wits about me for the trial, I can't afford to be ill at the trial.  So off to the doctor's I go.  Let's hope that I'm better in a few weeks.

The trial is constantly on my mind.  Which means that what he did to me is constantly on my mind.  It's making me tired, scared and drained.  But I've found something else to take my mind off it.  I'm hosting a murder mystery part on the Saturday after the trial for my birthday.  I'm throwing myself in to organising it, as it helps to take my mind off it.  It also gives me something to look forward to.  I'm dreading the trial, but I'm looking forward to my party.

And I know that no matter what happens at the trial, no matter what the results are (which I should find out on the Friday), I'm going to have a great party and have fun.  I'm going to move on with my life, and I'm going to enjoy my life.

He took my innocence and my childhood.  I'll be damned if he's taking the rest of my life as well.

His plea

Normally, writing in here helps to keep me calm. It gives me the opportunity to sort through my thoughts and speak my mind. However, since I found out what my rapist is pleading, I've been feeling extremely deflated and haven't had the energy to write in here.

I found out on Wednesday that he has pleaded 'not guilty' to all accounts - including those charges where the evidence is rock solid. I honestly didn't expect him to plead not guilty to all 43 charges. So, we're definitely going to trial. A trial date has also been set, and arrangements have been made for me to visit the courthouse and the courtroom before the trial starts.

So, how do I feel about this? Shocked. Angry. Tired. Empty. I had always thought that he would plead guilty to the charges where the evidence is overwhelming, and not guilty to my charges. Now there is a chance - a tiny chance, but a chance nonetheless - that he could be found not guilty on all charges, and he could walk. In which case, this has all been for nothing.

Except, I must remember, it hasn't been for nothing. The people in his life have been made aware of the kind of person he is. He is now on the police radar. And I will face him - no longer is he a monster I my nightmares, but a man. A man that no longer has any control over me.

I will be honest - I am absolutely dreading the trial. I have heard so many horror stories about what the defence puts rape victims through on the stand. Instead of putting him on trial, my character and sexual history will be put on trial. I am dreading being interrogated by his lawyer. But, I know I am strong enough to handle it. I know I will probably break down and cry on the stand (something which I am not looking forward to) but it will not destroy me. I'm ready. Terrified, but ready.

I wish it was all over. I want to enjoy the few remaining weeks of university, I want to spend time with my friends. I want to enjoy the summer balls. I want to have fun, and not worry about facing the man that abused me for 5 years.

I will be behind a curtain, so he can't see me and I can't see him. Part of me is relieved. But part of me wants to see him. The last time I saw him was when he raped me. I have only ever seen him when he abused me. I would like to see him in a setting where I am safe, where he can't hurt me and where I can show him that he has no power over me. Maybe one day. I agreed with the decision to give my testimony from behind a curtain, because I know it would take a lot out of me to see him. But one day, I do want to see him, to prove to him and to myself that I am the stronger one. I want to see him so that every time I close my eyes I don't see his face when he's finished raping me.

So, yes. This week has been tough. I went home to gather my thoughts and get some much needed TLC. But, I am now ready to go back to university and enjoy the last couple of weeks with my friends. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him stop me from having fun.

No means no

Sometimes other people's attitudes and beliefs towards rape surprise me. I know some people believe that a lot of reported rapes are for attention, or because women (or men) regret their actions the next morning. It seems a lot of people believe that if drinks are involved, then the woman is just regretting a one-night stand or doesn't remember consenting, therefore she is 'crying rape'.

Firstly - only 2% of all reported rapes are false. This means that if someone tells you they have been raped, no matter how 'unlikely' their story seems to be - it is most likely true.

Secondly. If your mothers/sisters/girlfriends were sitting in a bar and they had a few drinks, does this now mean that they are willing, that they want, to have sex with anyone that offers? Having a drink does not equal consent. Likewise being bought a drink does not equal consent. Men - have you ever bought a friend a drink, be it male or female? If yes, then did those friends expect to have sex with you? If you had refused, would it still be okay for them to force themselves on you because 'you were asking for it'?

Thirdly - if a person doesn't remember that they had sex, then that means that they were unable to consent to having sex. This means that they would have had so much to drink that they wouldn't have been aware of their surroundings and actions. They would not have been able to give consent. If they weren't able to give their consent - it is rape.

Fourthly. I have heard people say 'wearing those clothes, well she was asking for it'. It shouldn't matter what clothes someone is wearing. Rape is rape. I remember in school that someone did a sponsored streak - does this mean that whoever saw her had the right to rape her? If a woman wears a short skirt or a tight top, it does not mean that she has to sleep with every man that looks at her. No matter how revealing a woman's clothing is - she still owns her own body and has the right to choose who she sleeps with. Just because someone wears something short and/or tight does not mean that men then own her and can take what they please.

Stop thinking about how the rape victim could have prevented it. In doing so, you are blaming her (or him) for being raped. You should be blaming the rapist. The rapist is the one that forced himself on to someone else. The rapist is the one that violated someone else. The rapist is the one that broke the law. The blame lies 100% on him.

Women shouldn't have to suffer in case they are raped - they shouldn't have to worry 'if I wear these clothes will someone force his penis inside me?' or 'if I have a drink with my friends, will someone attack me?' Instead men should be thinking 'she said no, so I will not rape her'. Not 'she said no, but I bought her a drink, so she wants it really.'

Think about it - in which other crimes are the victims blamed? Oh, he stole some money so he deserves to be murdered. Oh, he's given money to charity, so it's okay to steal from him, he doesn't mind giving it away. Victims of crime are not at fault. Perpetrators of crime are to blame.

So instead of blaming the victim, blame the rapist. He is the one that did something wrong, he is the one that broke the law, he is the one that (physically or emotionally) hurt a person.

Guilt

I just heard from my police liason officer. He said that other evidence has been found concerning someone else. This means that he will have to be interviewed again and another bail date has to be set. It also means that the CPS (Criminal Prosecuting Service) won't review my case until sometime in 2012. He couldn't give me any details.  But "concerning someone else" can only mean one thing.

I burst in to tears when I heard this. I was beside myself. All that kept going through my head was 'he did this to someone else'. Deep down I knew that I probably wasn't the only one that he had abused and raped, but I still hoped I was. I didn't want anyone else going through what I'm going through. But to have it confirmed... Knowing that he hurt someone else the way he hurt me... it made me feel sick to my stomach.

And guilty. Oh, I feel so guilty. If only I had spoken out before. If only I had gone to the police before. Then maybe this poor girl, whoever she is, would have been spared. If I had just done something sooner, then this girl wouldn't have gone through this. But I didn't. I kept quiet for six years. How many other girls has he hurt in those six years? Now I know there's definitely another girl, I also know there's bound to be more.

I know I have nothing to be guilty for - he did those things. He is the only one to blame. But I can't help think; I could have stopped this. I could have stopped him from hurting her, whoever she is. But, because I was too afraid to speak out, someone else's life has been torn apart. Someone else has suffered at the hands of him. Someone else is trying to piece themselves back together. All because I didn't say anything sooner.

Logically, I know this isn't my fault. It's his. Logically I know this. Yet... I also know that this guilt is going to be something I have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. Because I didn't say anything sooner, which gave him six years to find and hurt other girls.

Everything I have been through, everything I am going through - someone else is going through the same thing. All because I kept my mouth shut.

So yes, I burst in to tears. I went outside for a cigarette and called my Dad. I chain-smoked and cried. Some poor fresher girl walked past me, saw me crying and sat down and hugged me, and went to get me some tissues. Which made me cry even more - the kindness she gave out to me, would she still be so kind if she realised that because of my actions (or lack thereof) a girl had been sexually abused and probably raped?

I went back to my room. I thought all the tears had left me, then I saw myself in the mirror, and the tears came again. I knocked on a friend's door, burst in and sat on his bed and cried some more. He must have been pretty shocked to see me in that state, and I had clearly interrupted his work. But bless him - he didn't say anything, just held me as I finally, finally, got all the tears out of my system.

I wandered around college for a bit, wanting to socialise, to be with people. Then I realised I didn't know how to interact with anyone. I couldn't tell them what had just happened, what I had just found out. Who needs that kind of darkness in their lives?

So here I am.

I just feel so guilty. Somewhere out there, there is a girl going through what I am going through. There is another girl out there that was groomed by this evil bastard. There is another girl out there who was hurt, who will carry these scars with her for the rest of her life.

All because I didn't say anything.