Planning

I still can't believe it.  He's been found guilty.  I had convinced myself that they would find him not guilty, that I wouldn't be believed.  I know that my case is a minority - so many rapists aren't even taken to court, and few of those that are are found guilty.  Then again, mine wasn't a rape case, it was a child abuse case.

He will never be convicted of raping me.  The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point.  It's not the fault of the police.  It's the system.  But... I'm okay with that.  He has been found guilty.  So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that.  So I am extremely thankful.

And happy.  I am so, so SO happy.  It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer).  His bail has been revoked.  He is in jail.  He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me.  Never again.

I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had.  My stomach does not like alcohol.  And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration.  So I'm pretty tired today.  But guess what?  HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on cloud nine.  I feel like I've won the lottery.  I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro.  I feel happy.

It's not over yet though.  Not by a long shot.  Yes, the trial is over.  That part of my life is done.  His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.

But that's not what I'm referring to.  Yes, the trial is over.  But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape.  Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression.  It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore.  It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.

I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me.  But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.

Guilty motherfucker!  Yes!!!!

So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed.  But I'm getting there.  As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life.  Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.

And that feels good.  So, so good.

So yes, I am moving on with my life.  It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world.  I have no weight bearing down on me anymore.  I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track.  And that feels amazing.

So, what are my life changing plans?  Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself.  I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc.  But that's not all.  I'm quitting smoking.

I've always said that after the trial I will quit.  Well, the trial has finished.  So I guess I better quit.  I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc).  One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?

Yes, I probably will want to smoke.  Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.  But there will always be stressful situations.  So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks.  That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit).  I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.

So.  I'm quitting smoking.  I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again.  I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened.  I enjoyed doing things.  But over the past years, I've not done anything.  I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself.  Well, no more!

My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them!  I used to love riding horses as a child.  I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider.  But I haven't ridden since I was about 12.  I used to love it.  So I'm going to start again.

There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do.  Such as lessons in statistics.  I hate statistics.  I'm crap at it.  That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough.  So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons.  Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!

Let's see... what else have I been putting off?  Getting my first aid certificate.  I used to be a qualified first aider.  But I let that slide.  I want it back.  And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.

Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much.  For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle.  So I don't want to take on too much, too fast.  The first step is to quit smoking.  Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame).  I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.

So.  That's my plan.  December - quit smoking.  January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again.  February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans.  March - First Aid training.  April/May - statistics lessons.  Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays.  I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all.  But to me, all of this is huge.  It's a lot.  I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life.  It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with.  But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!

I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it.   I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on the [long] road to recovery.  I am starting to live my life.  And I feel GREAT.

Why me?

I try to be strong. I'm trying to 'move on' with my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can choose to not let it affect my future. I reported my abuse and rape. The CPS decided that there wasn't enough evidence to charge him with my rape. Nothing I can do about that, so I'm focussing on the fact that they have charged him with my abuse - 20 of the charges that he is facing are against me. I can't change the fact that I was raped, but I can choose to not live my life as a victim. And for the most part, I am. I am focussing on the upcoming trial, and I am focussing on healing myself.

But sometimes... sometimes I have moments where I am filled with despair and I think "why me?". I get angry. I see my friends living their lives, and I am happy for them. They are getting married, starting a family. They are going out partying. They are worrying about exams. It's the life I should be living, if none of this had happened to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I envy them, each and every one of them. I don't for a second wish anyone harm - I just wish that I could be living that life, instead of worrying about facing my rapist in court.

I should be graduated from university by now. I should have a job. I should be happy.

At the same time, I am aware that everything happens for a reason. I trust in God. And because of what happened, I have met some amazing people. Had I not been raped, I would not have met some of the people that I consider to be my close friends. My friends are amazing and bring a lot of joy in to my life, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. In that respect I feel lucky.

That doesn't stop me from wondering what my life would have been like if I had never met him (but if somehow, my friends were still a part of my life). I wouldn't be plagued with nightmares. I wouldn't jump at a loud noise. I wouldn't flinch at an unexpected touch. I wouldn't find it so hard to trust people.

I don't often have these moments where I cry about the injustice of it all, but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream in anger at the hand that I've been dealt. I want to scream at him for what he's done to me. I want to scream for my lost childhood. I want to scream at a society that instead of teaching men not to rape, it teaches girls not to get raped. I just want to scream.

If I close my eyes, I can almost picture the woman that I could have been. Happy. Trusting. Full of life. A wicked sense of humour. I know that she is in there somewhere, and that slowly I am finding her. I just wish I didn't have to find her. I wish I hadn't been abused and raped, and that I didn't have to work so hard to overcome being a rape victim.

I know that there is nothing that can be done about my past. I know there is no point in saying "why me?". I know I should be looking forwards, not backwards. And for the most part I do look towards the future - the future where I have become that happy, carefree woman inside me that is fighting to get out. But sometimes, even knowing that there is no point, I can't help it, I think about the life I could have lived up until now and I want to know; why me?

I want to worry about normal things. I want to worry about exams, about relationships, about the next party. I don't want to worry about trying not to flinch when I am touched. I don't want to worry about having flashbacks. I don't want to worry about seeing my rapist.

I just want to be a normal girl living a normal life.

Instead, I am a statistic - I am one of the 20% of women that have been raped.

It is not fair, I know this. I know there is no reason. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But that doesn't stop me fantasing about the life I could be leading. It doesn't stop me from asking the question, even though I know there is no answer to it.

Why me?

Another interview

I've just heard from my police liason officer. It seems he doesn't want any more reports from my psychologist. This is good. What he does want is another statement. I'm unsure how I feel about this.

He said that the investigation is slowly coming to an end, but there are two things that need to happen. One involves him, so he can't tell me what that is. The other involves me. My liason officer said that the Criminal Prosecution Service brought some things to their attention, so they need to interview me again.

Now he won't tell me what it's about due to its sensitive nature. Instead he's asked to come up again to interview me, which shouldn't take more than 2 hours.

I have to admit, I'm nervous. The last interview I did was absolutely exhausting. I had to relive everything. I had to give intimate details about all the abuse and the rape. It was horrible. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I won't have to do it again, until the trial (if there is one).

Now it seems like I have to give another statement. Which has me worried - did I forget to mention something? Have I blocked something from my mind and so didn't mention it?

I wish he could tell me what this is all about. It will give me time to emotionally prepare myself. But for some reason he can't tell me until he sees me. Which means that all sorts of scenarios are racing through my mind. And there's no possibility of me trying to prepare myself.

Do they need me to be unprepared so that they can capture my reactions?

It's probably nothing, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to be thinking about all the possibilities until I'm interviewed again. Add to that, he said that the investigation is nearing the end. This means that soon I will know whether we're going to trial or not. To say that my emotions are running high is an understatement. Soon I will know, one way or another, what my future will bring.

Guilt

I just heard from my police liason officer. He said that other evidence has been found concerning someone else. This means that he will have to be interviewed again and another bail date has to be set. It also means that the CPS (Criminal Prosecuting Service) won't review my case until sometime in 2012. He couldn't give me any details.  But "concerning someone else" can only mean one thing.

I burst in to tears when I heard this. I was beside myself. All that kept going through my head was 'he did this to someone else'. Deep down I knew that I probably wasn't the only one that he had abused and raped, but I still hoped I was. I didn't want anyone else going through what I'm going through. But to have it confirmed... Knowing that he hurt someone else the way he hurt me... it made me feel sick to my stomach.

And guilty. Oh, I feel so guilty. If only I had spoken out before. If only I had gone to the police before. Then maybe this poor girl, whoever she is, would have been spared. If I had just done something sooner, then this girl wouldn't have gone through this. But I didn't. I kept quiet for six years. How many other girls has he hurt in those six years? Now I know there's definitely another girl, I also know there's bound to be more.

I know I have nothing to be guilty for - he did those things. He is the only one to blame. But I can't help think; I could have stopped this. I could have stopped him from hurting her, whoever she is. But, because I was too afraid to speak out, someone else's life has been torn apart. Someone else has suffered at the hands of him. Someone else is trying to piece themselves back together. All because I didn't say anything sooner.

Logically, I know this isn't my fault. It's his. Logically I know this. Yet... I also know that this guilt is going to be something I have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. Because I didn't say anything sooner, which gave him six years to find and hurt other girls.

Everything I have been through, everything I am going through - someone else is going through the same thing. All because I kept my mouth shut.

So yes, I burst in to tears. I went outside for a cigarette and called my Dad. I chain-smoked and cried. Some poor fresher girl walked past me, saw me crying and sat down and hugged me, and went to get me some tissues. Which made me cry even more - the kindness she gave out to me, would she still be so kind if she realised that because of my actions (or lack thereof) a girl had been sexually abused and probably raped?

I went back to my room. I thought all the tears had left me, then I saw myself in the mirror, and the tears came again. I knocked on a friend's door, burst in and sat on his bed and cried some more. He must have been pretty shocked to see me in that state, and I had clearly interrupted his work. But bless him - he didn't say anything, just held me as I finally, finally, got all the tears out of my system.

I wandered around college for a bit, wanting to socialise, to be with people. Then I realised I didn't know how to interact with anyone. I couldn't tell them what had just happened, what I had just found out. Who needs that kind of darkness in their lives?

So here I am.

I just feel so guilty. Somewhere out there, there is a girl going through what I am going through. There is another girl out there that was groomed by this evil bastard. There is another girl out there who was hurt, who will carry these scars with her for the rest of her life.

All because I didn't say anything.

News

Thursday was a difficult day for me, things just got on top of me. I ended up locking myself away in my room, avoiding everyone and everything. Thursday was a day where I just couldn't function - I couldn't read, or write or watch movies; all I could do was retreat back in to myself and hope that the feeling would pass. Which it did, eventually.

For those that have never experienced a day like this, it's difficult to explain what it's like. You can't think, you can't eat, you can't move. All you can do is lie in bed, being overwhelmed by emotions and memories. All you can do is ride it out. Luckily it only lasted one day, and luckily I didn't have any lectures on the day either.

The police have been in touch with me. I heard from them last night, just as I was about to go out to a houseparty to celebrate the birthdays of two of my friends.

They said that they've found more evidence that directly relates to me, but they can't tell me what it is. They also said that they're currently backlogged and as such haven't been able to collect all the evidence. This means that they've had to move their appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service) back. This means that I won't know the CPS's decision on whether there's enough evidence to go to trial or not until mid-December.

I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the date changing. First I was told that this would be all over by August, then January, then March, then November, and now December. I have absolutely no idea what's going on and am completely in the dark. Dates keep changing, information keep changing - first I was told they'd collected all the evidence, now I've been told that actually, not all the evidence has been processed and not all the leads to more information and evidence have been followed.

How am I supposed to find any balance in my life when it seems like they don't even know what's going on?

Me

Wondering

My Police liason officer (PLO) contacted me yesterday. He said that they brought 'the suspect' in for more questioning but that he refused to even say one word. So the police have made an appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service). It takes 4 weeks to get an appointment. They will then present all the evidence they have to them. It will then take a further 4 weeks for the CPS to decide whether there's enough evidence to take him to trial or not.

So that's 8 weeks in total, which means I'll know by mid-November.

However, I've decided I'm going to ignore the timetable that the police keep giving me. It keeps changing! First I was told I would know by mid-summer whether it would go trial or not. Then it was going to be early in 2012. Now it's mid-November.

Wondering when I'll find out whether there will be a trial and when that trial will be is stressing me out. So I'm going to try and stop myself from thinking about it. I know it won't work, but all this wondering isn't doing me any good. All I can think about is 'when will I know?'

This waiting game is horrible. All this wondering. So I'm going to do my best not to think about it, until I know for definite.

I doubt it will work, but still, I have to try. I need to live my life, not sit there wondering what's going to happen.

Me