All in all, I'm doing alright. I'm getting my life back on track.
But sometimes I feel as if I'm not doing it fast enough. I feel as if people are thinking "you've got the guilty verdict, you've got the amazing sentencing, everything worked out so much better than expected - so why aren't you healed? Move on with your life already".
I feel like there is a huge expectation for me to suddenly be magically better. It feels like I shouldn't have any problems anymore. It seems like people expected all of my problems to disappear with the guilty-verdict. I can see their point - the perpetrator of those crimes is behind bars, and will be for a long, long time. Believe me - that thought alone still makes me want to do a little happy dance and shout with joy. I feel like my life is just starting while his is over.
So what's the problem, you ask?
The problem is I still have nightmares. The problem is that I still have triggers that will bring back a memory I'd rather not remember. Not a flashback - those are awful, and thankfully, they are very infrequent - but a very vivid memory. One can pop up at any time and knock the breath out of me. I still haven't figured out all the triggers - certain music, a turn of phrase, a topic of conversation, a smell, a picture...
The problem is that his face still pops in to my mind when I close my eyes. I'm not scared of him anymore, I could look him in the eye. But it's still not a face I want in my mind before going to sleep.
The problem is that I still flinch. I'm still wary. I still don't trust.
I want more than anything to be 'normal'. To go to bed before 4am and wake up before noon. To finish university, to hold a steady job, to be able to provide for and look after myself. I'm getting there, slowly. But it's going to take time. Hopefully by the time university starts again in October, I'll be ready.
But right now, I'm not. I know full well that I am still a mess.
Memories that I had buried, are now coming to the surface. I'd rather forget them.
I feel like people expect me to be better and to be this strong woman that can handle anything, when in fact, I still have days where I can barely bring myself to get out of bed.
I know there comes a point where "enough is enough and you need to move on". The last thing I want to do is 'bore' people with what's going around my head, especially when people have their own things going on. I don't want to be that person that can't move on with their life. I don't want to be that person that people avoid talking to because they're stuck in the past.
But at the same time - I'm not magically healed. There is no set healing time for 5 years of abuse, and rape. It will take time. I am going to have bad days. I am going to be triggered about something. But I am also going to pick myself up after a bad day and do my damned hardest to make the next day a good day.
The bottom line? I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. I don't want them to feel like I'm wallowing. I want to get my life back on track. I know that if I stay in the past, I'll stay hurt and I'll stay a victim. I can't heal unless I'm in the present and looking towards the future. I'm working on it. It's just not always easy.
Showing posts with label bad day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad day. Show all posts
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Dark days
For those that haven’t experienced what I call a 'dark day', it’s really hard to understand. A lot of people can't relate to it, can't comprehend it. I know a lot of people think 'well, why can't you just snap out of it?'
Imagine waking up, and feeling like there is no hope for anything. All your positive thoughts have gone. No matter how hard you try, you can’t think a single good thought. It might be the most beautiful day the world has ever seen, but you can’t see it. Something is stopping you from seeing it. It’s like there’s a black curtain covering your perception of the world.
Add to this, you are overwhelmed by feelings of self-loathing. Every negative thought you’ve ever had about yourself is multiplied by 100, by a thousand. Whatever your insecurities are, on a dark day these insecurities are all-consuming. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. No one loves you. You’re a complete waste of space. You're a burden.
That’s not all though. All the bad memories come flooding back to you. Every bad thing that happened to you hits your like a ton of bricks. When this wave of memories, of bad experiences, hit you, you become completely paralised. It's suffocating. In my case, the worst of these are the thoughts of my rape and abuse. The memories that will forever link me to this man. Who could ever love a damaged woman like me? I’m forever tainted by what he did to me. He destroyed the goodness I had. I didn’t fight back enough. I should have told someone what was happening. I let it happen. I deserved it.
Even though in my head I know that no one 'deserves' for this to happen to them. I know it wasn't my fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was vulnerable. He took advantage of that. I know this. But on a dark day, logic goes out of the window.
Add to all of this, you’re exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted; physically, emotionally and mentally. You can barely summon up any energy to make it to the toilet, let alone put on your usual mask. You can't bring yourself to plaster a smile on your face, to go about your day, to joke and laugh with your friends. You have barely enough energy to roll over in bed, let alone do anything else. But you can’t sleep. All you can do is lie in bed, with everything I’ve just said going round and round in your head.
You want to socialise, you want to ‘snap out of it’. But you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone. You don’t want to put your problems on them. You don’t want to bring them down. You don’t want to be a burden. Yet locking yourself away doesn't help. It's a vicious circle.
So all you can do is lie there, hoping that when you do eventually manage to get to sleep, you’ll wake up and the dark cloud will have lifted.
Imagine waking up, and feeling like there is no hope for anything. All your positive thoughts have gone. No matter how hard you try, you can’t think a single good thought. It might be the most beautiful day the world has ever seen, but you can’t see it. Something is stopping you from seeing it. It’s like there’s a black curtain covering your perception of the world.
Add to this, you are overwhelmed by feelings of self-loathing. Every negative thought you’ve ever had about yourself is multiplied by 100, by a thousand. Whatever your insecurities are, on a dark day these insecurities are all-consuming. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. No one loves you. You’re a complete waste of space. You're a burden.
That’s not all though. All the bad memories come flooding back to you. Every bad thing that happened to you hits your like a ton of bricks. When this wave of memories, of bad experiences, hit you, you become completely paralised. It's suffocating. In my case, the worst of these are the thoughts of my rape and abuse. The memories that will forever link me to this man. Who could ever love a damaged woman like me? I’m forever tainted by what he did to me. He destroyed the goodness I had. I didn’t fight back enough. I should have told someone what was happening. I let it happen. I deserved it.
Even though in my head I know that no one 'deserves' for this to happen to them. I know it wasn't my fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was vulnerable. He took advantage of that. I know this. But on a dark day, logic goes out of the window.
Add to all of this, you’re exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted; physically, emotionally and mentally. You can barely summon up any energy to make it to the toilet, let alone put on your usual mask. You can't bring yourself to plaster a smile on your face, to go about your day, to joke and laugh with your friends. You have barely enough energy to roll over in bed, let alone do anything else. But you can’t sleep. All you can do is lie in bed, with everything I’ve just said going round and round in your head.
You want to socialise, you want to ‘snap out of it’. But you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone. You don’t want to put your problems on them. You don’t want to bring them down. You don’t want to be a burden. Yet locking yourself away doesn't help. It's a vicious circle.
So all you can do is lie there, hoping that when you do eventually manage to get to sleep, you’ll wake up and the dark cloud will have lifted.
Saturday, 15 October 2011
News
Thursday was a difficult day for me, things just got on top of me. I ended up locking myself away in my room, avoiding everyone and everything. Thursday was a day where I just couldn't function - I couldn't read, or write or watch movies; all I could do was retreat back in to myself and hope that the feeling would pass. Which it did, eventually.
For those that have never experienced a day like this, it's difficult to explain what it's like. You can't think, you can't eat, you can't move. All you can do is lie in bed, being overwhelmed by emotions and memories. All you can do is ride it out. Luckily it only lasted one day, and luckily I didn't have any lectures on the day either.
The police have been in touch with me. I heard from them last night, just as I was about to go out to a houseparty to celebrate the birthdays of two of my friends.
They said that they've found more evidence that directly relates to me, but they can't tell me what it is. They also said that they're currently backlogged and as such haven't been able to collect all the evidence. This means that they've had to move their appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service) back. This means that I won't know the CPS's decision on whether there's enough evidence to go to trial or not until mid-December.
I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the date changing. First I was told that this would be all over by August, then January, then March, then November, and now December. I have absolutely no idea what's going on and am completely in the dark. Dates keep changing, information keep changing - first I was told they'd collected all the evidence, now I've been told that actually, not all the evidence has been processed and not all the leads to more information and evidence have been followed.
How am I supposed to find any balance in my life when it seems like they don't even know what's going on?
Me
For those that have never experienced a day like this, it's difficult to explain what it's like. You can't think, you can't eat, you can't move. All you can do is lie in bed, being overwhelmed by emotions and memories. All you can do is ride it out. Luckily it only lasted one day, and luckily I didn't have any lectures on the day either.
The police have been in touch with me. I heard from them last night, just as I was about to go out to a houseparty to celebrate the birthdays of two of my friends.
They said that they've found more evidence that directly relates to me, but they can't tell me what it is. They also said that they're currently backlogged and as such haven't been able to collect all the evidence. This means that they've had to move their appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service) back. This means that I won't know the CPS's decision on whether there's enough evidence to go to trial or not until mid-December.
I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the date changing. First I was told that this would be all over by August, then January, then March, then November, and now December. I have absolutely no idea what's going on and am completely in the dark. Dates keep changing, information keep changing - first I was told they'd collected all the evidence, now I've been told that actually, not all the evidence has been processed and not all the leads to more information and evidence have been followed.
How am I supposed to find any balance in my life when it seems like they don't even know what's going on?
Me
Friday, 30 September 2011
Sometimes
I have good days and bad days. A lot of the time, the reason why I'm having a bad day is because of him and what he did to me. I find myself lost in memories, overcome by anger etc. However, sometimes; a bad day is just a bad day. Not everything in my life is linked to him. Sometimes I can't sleep and I have no idea why. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood and it has nothing whatsoever to do with him.
My parents are just discovering this. Lately, a lot of times when I have been feeling down it has been because of him. My parents know that. They see my pain and it hurts them. So when I was in a bad mood the other day, they asked me why, they asked me to talk to them. I told them I didn't know why, that I was just in a bad mood, that I was tired etc. They, of course, didn't believe me. They sat me down for a chat and told me I could tell them anything. I told them that I know (I lucked out with my parents, they're pretty awesome), but that I was just tired and there was nothing more to it than that.
Which of course, they didn't believe.
Sometimes, a bad mood (or a bad day, or being tired), is just a bad mood.
Now, moving on. I've started smoking again. I had quit for over 3 months. Then I started again a few weeks ago. I was feeling down and stressed (and this time it was because of him), and I went out and bought a packet of cigarettes. It felt so good.
I don't want to be a smoker all my life. But at the minute there is so much uncertainty in my life - will this or won't this go to trial, will he get away with what he did, will he stop haunting my dreams etc. Smoking is a coping mechanism. Probably not a great coping mechanism, but it's better than self-harming, or making myself sick, or starving myself. All of which I used to do. It seemed like the lesser of the evils.
Me
My parents are just discovering this. Lately, a lot of times when I have been feeling down it has been because of him. My parents know that. They see my pain and it hurts them. So when I was in a bad mood the other day, they asked me why, they asked me to talk to them. I told them I didn't know why, that I was just in a bad mood, that I was tired etc. They, of course, didn't believe me. They sat me down for a chat and told me I could tell them anything. I told them that I know (I lucked out with my parents, they're pretty awesome), but that I was just tired and there was nothing more to it than that.
Which of course, they didn't believe.
Sometimes, a bad mood (or a bad day, or being tired), is just a bad mood.
Now, moving on. I've started smoking again. I had quit for over 3 months. Then I started again a few weeks ago. I was feeling down and stressed (and this time it was because of him), and I went out and bought a packet of cigarettes. It felt so good.
I don't want to be a smoker all my life. But at the minute there is so much uncertainty in my life - will this or won't this go to trial, will he get away with what he did, will he stop haunting my dreams etc. Smoking is a coping mechanism. Probably not a great coping mechanism, but it's better than self-harming, or making myself sick, or starving myself. All of which I used to do. It seemed like the lesser of the evils.
Me
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