It's been a long time since I last posted. I've been focusing on enjoying life and living it, instead of trying to analyse how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way. It's been nice to get out of my own head for a while and just roll with things. And you know what? I've realised that I am actually enjoying life.
I never thought it would be possible. I was convinced that I would be in the throes of depression, insomnia & PTSD for the rest of my life. I was convinced that I would always suffer from flashbacks & nightmares. Luckily, I was wrong. Flashbacks are few and far between - it's been over a month since my last one. Likewise, I haven't had any nightmares about my abuse & rape in a long time. My sleeping has also improved tremendously.
I spent about a month trying to kick my insmonia's ass, and I have! I forced myself to get up early in the morning and refusing myself any naps during the day. I forced myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour at night and didn't allow myself to get up when sleep eluded me. Instead I forced myself to stay in bed until I finally drifted off to sleep. This did mean that for about a month I was a wreck, surviving on only a few hours of disturbed sleep a night. But then something wonderful happened - I started to sleep for 4 hours at a time, then for 6 hours and now I generally sleep between 8-10 hours a night. Amazing! I've had insomnia since I was an early teen, so being able to sleep through the night is fantastic. I'd forgotten how good sleep can be! It's wonderful. Mind you - if I had been at university or at work I wouldn't have been able to kick my insomnia's ass, as I was barely functioned during that month and could not have worked or studied. It makes me realise how right the university was on insisting I take a year out.
So - I am now finding myself in a much happier place. My smiles are real. My laughter is real. I am not acting, I am not pretending. I am actually happy.
This isn't to say that I don't have my down days though, because I do. My depression and PTSD aren't quite cured yet either. They're the best they've ever been, but they're still there. Also, every now and then a smell or a sound or a phrase will remind me of him and what he did to me. However - I think about him less and less. Days (even a week) can go by without me thinking about what happened. Hopefully this will continue, until weeks or months have passed between me thinking about him and the abuse.
I also still flinch and jump a lot. I still find physical contact quite difficult and I still have trust issues. I'm working on it though. (As a side-note, if you know me in real life and want to help - lots of physical contact is a good thing; hugs, touch on the arm whilst talking etc).
So, you ask, what have I been doing with my time? Well, I am now a qualified first aider (hurrah!). I have been mourning my best friend (it was a year yesterday that she died). I've been sorting things out for the move (in a few months I'll be moving in with a good friend of mine). I've been working through my issues with my psychologist I've been socialising with my friends and I've been going backwards and forwards to various doctors. I was recently diagnosed with Type 3 Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which is a hypermobility disorder. Unfortunately, one of the main symptoms of Type 3 EDS is chronic pain, which means that some days the pain is so severe that all I can do is lie in my bed and try and find a position that doesn't hurt. However - at least I'm not spending days in bed due to depression!!
So, what I want to say is this: there is hope. Things will get better. It takes a lot of time, a lot of effort and a lot of support, but eventually things do get better. The changes start off small - they're barely noticeable, until suddenly you realise that your laughter is genuine, or you've gone a couple of nights without a nightmare or you realise it's been days since you last thought about your abuser.
I know how that sounds. People told me that eventually my life would continue and I would move on, that I would forget about the abuse. I never believed them. I just could not imagine myself ever moving on from my childhood. But I'm here to tell you that it's true. Life does get better. Of course there will still be days when it's pretty bad, where all you can think about is the abuse. But those days become fewer and farther apart. And whilst I don't think I will ever forget about the years of abuse, I do believe that eventually it will fade into the background of my mind.
There is hope. Life does continue. It will get better. I'm living proof of that.
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
One Billion Rising
It's been almost a month since I last wrote in here. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but just because I wanted to take a break for a bit. For the past two years my life has revolved about being either a rape victim or a rape survivor, and writing about it. For the past month, I've just wanted to be me - I wanted to feel the emotions, and not have to describe and explain them. I just wanted to 'be' for a while.
So, I've taken the break, and now I'm back. What have I been doing? I'm currently training to become a First Aider with St John's Ambulance. The course is fantastic and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. However, it's not easy going. I still struggle with depression and insomnia, which means that getting up early to go to the classes isn't easy. In fact, it's left me very drained and exhausted, and I've had to reschedule the exam. I'm not giving up though - baby steps.
I know most people reading this will think I'm being a drama queen; 'you struggle with getting up in the morning? Join the club. You're just lazy'.
This is not the case. I have insomnia, which means I struggle to get to sleep. An average night for me looks like this: I go to bed at 9pm. I falls asleep, and then wake up at 10.pm. I lie in bed, tossing and turning. I fall asleep at 3am. I wake up at 4am. I fall asleep at 4.30am. I wake up at 5.30am. I fall asleep at 6.30am. My alarm goes off at 7am.
I've quit smoking for over 2 months. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. And I've been involved with One Billion Rising.
One Billion Rising is happening tomorrow all over the world. Why 'One Billion Rising?'. Because it's estimated that One Billion women will be either raped or abused in their lifetime. This is unacceptable. So, all over the world, women and men are coming together in protest. There will be dancing, there will be speeches, and hopefully there will be change.
If you're interested in attending one near you, why not click on THIS LINK.
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I hope there will be a good turnout - a hell of a lot of planning and organising has gone in to it (my part in it has been tiny). It is a cause that is very close to my heart - it is time we stopped living in a society where women are STILL considered second class citizens.
So come on people, find where there will be a rising tomorrow, and join! But most importantly - have fun whilst rising!
So, I've taken the break, and now I'm back. What have I been doing? I'm currently training to become a First Aider with St John's Ambulance. The course is fantastic and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. However, it's not easy going. I still struggle with depression and insomnia, which means that getting up early to go to the classes isn't easy. In fact, it's left me very drained and exhausted, and I've had to reschedule the exam. I'm not giving up though - baby steps.
I know most people reading this will think I'm being a drama queen; 'you struggle with getting up in the morning? Join the club. You're just lazy'.
This is not the case. I have insomnia, which means I struggle to get to sleep. An average night for me looks like this: I go to bed at 9pm. I falls asleep, and then wake up at 10.pm. I lie in bed, tossing and turning. I fall asleep at 3am. I wake up at 4am. I fall asleep at 4.30am. I wake up at 5.30am. I fall asleep at 6.30am. My alarm goes off at 7am.
I've quit smoking for over 2 months. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. And I've been involved with One Billion Rising.
One Billion Rising is happening tomorrow all over the world. Why 'One Billion Rising?'. Because it's estimated that One Billion women will be either raped or abused in their lifetime. This is unacceptable. So, all over the world, women and men are coming together in protest. There will be dancing, there will be speeches, and hopefully there will be change.
If you're interested in attending one near you, why not click on THIS LINK.
Some of the banners we made for the rising tomorrow
So come on people, find where there will be a rising tomorrow, and join! But most importantly - have fun whilst rising!
Saturday, 5 January 2013
More waiting
We drove down South on the 3rd, it was a 7 hour drive. We stayed over at my Grandparents' house, and on the 4th we drove to the courthouse. It was weird being back in the witness area. The last time I was there, I was full of uncertainty and just praying and hoping that the jury would find him guilty.
This time around, I was getting myself ready for finally facing him, for looking him in the eye and showing him that he did not break me, that I am strong, that I have the rest of my life to live.
But as it turned out, that didn't happen. He was meant to have been interviewed by the probation service in December, to see what - if any - type of threat he is. The probation service didn't interview him. Which meant the sentencing could not be done. Which meant that we had come all this way for nothing.
It wasn't the police's fault, and it wasn't the judicial system. It appears to just be one of those things, a mis-communication. However, that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I had geared myself up for seeing him. I had hardly slept the previous night. I was anxious, yet determined. I was ready to face him. And then I was told that that wasn't going to happen. I was about ready to burst in to tears of frustration.
So we drove back up North. Exhausted.
The new sentencing date is on the 16th of this month.
This time around, I was getting myself ready for finally facing him, for looking him in the eye and showing him that he did not break me, that I am strong, that I have the rest of my life to live.
But as it turned out, that didn't happen. He was meant to have been interviewed by the probation service in December, to see what - if any - type of threat he is. The probation service didn't interview him. Which meant the sentencing could not be done. Which meant that we had come all this way for nothing.
It wasn't the police's fault, and it wasn't the judicial system. It appears to just be one of those things, a mis-communication. However, that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I had geared myself up for seeing him. I had hardly slept the previous night. I was anxious, yet determined. I was ready to face him. And then I was told that that wasn't going to happen. I was about ready to burst in to tears of frustration.
So we drove back up North. Exhausted.
The new sentencing date is on the 16th of this month.
Monday, 3 December 2012
Tonight
I am very positive about the future, about my future. I have no idea what will happen, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I actually have a future - I don't have this massive secret weighing me down, I don't spend all of my energy thinking about the trial. I can actually put all of my energy in to fixing myself.
And that feels good. So good.
However, it's going to be a long, long road. Because the guilty verdict doesn't mean that I'll stop having flashbacks. It doesn't mean that I'll stop hearing his voice in my head. A guilty verdict doesn't undo what he did. What a guilty verdict does mean is that I can finally stop being scared of him - he can never hurt me again. A guilty verdict means that I can rebuild my life, and myself. It means that I can finally start to heal.
But it is difficult. Because people think 'why are you still depressed? Why are you still suffering from PTSD? Why are you still having nightmares? He's behind bars, move on'. They don't understand when I tell them that I'm still living with the consequences of his actions. He is going to serve his time - justice has been won. But I'm still living with the trauma.
It devastated me. I don't often talk about it in detail, because I know how upsetting it is for my parents. I know they read my blog, and I know that at times reading my blog is extremely painful for them. But I need to tell the truth.
Childhood sexual abuse is devastating. I was exposed to things I should never have been exposed to - not until I was sexually mature. I wasn't, I was 12. That is a long way from being sexually mature. My view on sex was completely warped. He taught me that love equals sex. He taught me that friendship equals sex. He taught me that my self-worth is intertwined with sex. He taught me that in order to be valued, I need to give some sort of sexual favour. Without sex, I was nothing.
He taught me that it doesn't matter whether or not I want to have sex - he would just take it anyway. He made me rely on him completely. He made me hate myself.
So I have a long, long way to go. I am unlearning all of this filth that he taught me. I am rebuilding myself. I am learning to recognise healthy and non-healthy relationships. I know that I am worth a hell of a lot better than the way I have been treated in the best.
In the past 13 years I have been looking to be loved, but I have been looking in all the wrong places. I have clung on to anyone that showed me any sort of interest. I have let myself be treated like dirt, because I thought that that was how you treated someone you love. I thought that that was what love is. I have done many, many things that I regret. All because I was taught that the only way to be friends or to get someone to love me was by giving away my body. So of course I attracted the wrong kind of people.
No more. I am worth more than that. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than what I have been seeking.
I'm making a lot of steps towards a healthier, happier life. But I still have a long way to go. Tonight I am suffering from insomnia. Tonight I had a flashback. Tonight I head his voice. But tonight I also realised that I wasn't scared. That I am a survivor, and that life is going to get better. Tonight I realised that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy of happiness and love, and I sure as hell won't settle for anything else.
And that feels good. So good.
However, it's going to be a long, long road. Because the guilty verdict doesn't mean that I'll stop having flashbacks. It doesn't mean that I'll stop hearing his voice in my head. A guilty verdict doesn't undo what he did. What a guilty verdict does mean is that I can finally stop being scared of him - he can never hurt me again. A guilty verdict means that I can rebuild my life, and myself. It means that I can finally start to heal.
But it is difficult. Because people think 'why are you still depressed? Why are you still suffering from PTSD? Why are you still having nightmares? He's behind bars, move on'. They don't understand when I tell them that I'm still living with the consequences of his actions. He is going to serve his time - justice has been won. But I'm still living with the trauma.
It devastated me. I don't often talk about it in detail, because I know how upsetting it is for my parents. I know they read my blog, and I know that at times reading my blog is extremely painful for them. But I need to tell the truth.
Childhood sexual abuse is devastating. I was exposed to things I should never have been exposed to - not until I was sexually mature. I wasn't, I was 12. That is a long way from being sexually mature. My view on sex was completely warped. He taught me that love equals sex. He taught me that friendship equals sex. He taught me that my self-worth is intertwined with sex. He taught me that in order to be valued, I need to give some sort of sexual favour. Without sex, I was nothing.
He taught me that it doesn't matter whether or not I want to have sex - he would just take it anyway. He made me rely on him completely. He made me hate myself.
So I have a long, long way to go. I am unlearning all of this filth that he taught me. I am rebuilding myself. I am learning to recognise healthy and non-healthy relationships. I know that I am worth a hell of a lot better than the way I have been treated in the best.
In the past 13 years I have been looking to be loved, but I have been looking in all the wrong places. I have clung on to anyone that showed me any sort of interest. I have let myself be treated like dirt, because I thought that that was how you treated someone you love. I thought that that was what love is. I have done many, many things that I regret. All because I was taught that the only way to be friends or to get someone to love me was by giving away my body. So of course I attracted the wrong kind of people.
No more. I am worth more than that. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than what I have been seeking.
I'm making a lot of steps towards a healthier, happier life. But I still have a long way to go. Tonight I am suffering from insomnia. Tonight I had a flashback. Tonight I head his voice. But tonight I also realised that I wasn't scared. That I am a survivor, and that life is going to get better. Tonight I realised that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy of happiness and love, and I sure as hell won't settle for anything else.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Back to reality
To start with, I just want to apologise if this entry doesn't make much sense - I'm quite sleep deprived and just writing down my thoughts, which probably aren't that coherent.
For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.
However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.
I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.
It was amazing.
Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.
It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.
I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.
I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.
So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.
So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.
So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.
I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.
To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.
Me
For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.
However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.
I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.
It was amazing.
Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.
It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.
I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.
I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.
So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.
So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.
So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.
I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.
To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.
Me
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Dark days
For those that haven’t experienced what I call a 'dark day', it’s really hard to understand. A lot of people can't relate to it, can't comprehend it. I know a lot of people think 'well, why can't you just snap out of it?'
Imagine waking up, and feeling like there is no hope for anything. All your positive thoughts have gone. No matter how hard you try, you can’t think a single good thought. It might be the most beautiful day the world has ever seen, but you can’t see it. Something is stopping you from seeing it. It’s like there’s a black curtain covering your perception of the world.
Add to this, you are overwhelmed by feelings of self-loathing. Every negative thought you’ve ever had about yourself is multiplied by 100, by a thousand. Whatever your insecurities are, on a dark day these insecurities are all-consuming. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. No one loves you. You’re a complete waste of space. You're a burden.
That’s not all though. All the bad memories come flooding back to you. Every bad thing that happened to you hits your like a ton of bricks. When this wave of memories, of bad experiences, hit you, you become completely paralised. It's suffocating. In my case, the worst of these are the thoughts of my rape and abuse. The memories that will forever link me to this man. Who could ever love a damaged woman like me? I’m forever tainted by what he did to me. He destroyed the goodness I had. I didn’t fight back enough. I should have told someone what was happening. I let it happen. I deserved it.
Even though in my head I know that no one 'deserves' for this to happen to them. I know it wasn't my fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was vulnerable. He took advantage of that. I know this. But on a dark day, logic goes out of the window.
Add to all of this, you’re exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted; physically, emotionally and mentally. You can barely summon up any energy to make it to the toilet, let alone put on your usual mask. You can't bring yourself to plaster a smile on your face, to go about your day, to joke and laugh with your friends. You have barely enough energy to roll over in bed, let alone do anything else. But you can’t sleep. All you can do is lie in bed, with everything I’ve just said going round and round in your head.
You want to socialise, you want to ‘snap out of it’. But you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone. You don’t want to put your problems on them. You don’t want to bring them down. You don’t want to be a burden. Yet locking yourself away doesn't help. It's a vicious circle.
So all you can do is lie there, hoping that when you do eventually manage to get to sleep, you’ll wake up and the dark cloud will have lifted.
Imagine waking up, and feeling like there is no hope for anything. All your positive thoughts have gone. No matter how hard you try, you can’t think a single good thought. It might be the most beautiful day the world has ever seen, but you can’t see it. Something is stopping you from seeing it. It’s like there’s a black curtain covering your perception of the world.
Add to this, you are overwhelmed by feelings of self-loathing. Every negative thought you’ve ever had about yourself is multiplied by 100, by a thousand. Whatever your insecurities are, on a dark day these insecurities are all-consuming. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. No one loves you. You’re a complete waste of space. You're a burden.
That’s not all though. All the bad memories come flooding back to you. Every bad thing that happened to you hits your like a ton of bricks. When this wave of memories, of bad experiences, hit you, you become completely paralised. It's suffocating. In my case, the worst of these are the thoughts of my rape and abuse. The memories that will forever link me to this man. Who could ever love a damaged woman like me? I’m forever tainted by what he did to me. He destroyed the goodness I had. I didn’t fight back enough. I should have told someone what was happening. I let it happen. I deserved it.
Even though in my head I know that no one 'deserves' for this to happen to them. I know it wasn't my fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was vulnerable. He took advantage of that. I know this. But on a dark day, logic goes out of the window.
Add to all of this, you’re exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted; physically, emotionally and mentally. You can barely summon up any energy to make it to the toilet, let alone put on your usual mask. You can't bring yourself to plaster a smile on your face, to go about your day, to joke and laugh with your friends. You have barely enough energy to roll over in bed, let alone do anything else. But you can’t sleep. All you can do is lie in bed, with everything I’ve just said going round and round in your head.
You want to socialise, you want to ‘snap out of it’. But you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone. You don’t want to put your problems on them. You don’t want to bring them down. You don’t want to be a burden. Yet locking yourself away doesn't help. It's a vicious circle.
So all you can do is lie there, hoping that when you do eventually manage to get to sleep, you’ll wake up and the dark cloud will have lifted.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Can't sleep
Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping. For a while, when the doctor put me on sleeping tablets, this problem went away. Most of the time it still works. Most of the time I'll be knocked out within 3 hours of taking the tablets. Some nights though, they don't seem to work. Some nights it feels as if my brain is refusing to let me sleep, because it needs to take a time out and try and process my feelings about him.
Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights. It doesn't matter what I do, my body refuses to let me sleep. Over the years I've learnt every trick in the book to try and stop myself from thinking about him. Then I realised - maybe I should stop that. Maybe I do need to think about him. I need to work through my feelings towards him. I need to stop putting my head in the sand. I need to face him.
I hate him. I really hate him. He stole my innocence. He stole my childhood. I feel such anger towards him.
Yet I know I need to forgive him. This anger that is inside of me, this hatred that I feel towards him, it isn't healthy. It's not good for me. I need to be able to forgive him. I just don't know how. I'm working on it though. But in order to do that, I need to face him.
I want to see him again. I want to be able to look him in the eye and make him realise I am not a scared little girl anymore. I want him to see that he hasn't destroyed me. But more than anything, I want to be able to ask him 'why'. I know that won't happen though. If we do go to trial, there will be no communication between the two of us. Everything will be done through lawyers. And if we don't go to trial...
I do wish I could talk to him, ask him why he did it, if he feels any regret, if he's at all sorry. After all, how can I forgive someone that has no remorse? But a part of me knows that I will probably never get the chance to ask him these questions.
So, I need to figure out a way to let myself be at peace with what happened without speaking to him and getting 'closure'. Yet I'm aware that 'closure' may never come, in which case I need to find a way to live with this, without it keeping me awake at night.
Me
Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights. It doesn't matter what I do, my body refuses to let me sleep. Over the years I've learnt every trick in the book to try and stop myself from thinking about him. Then I realised - maybe I should stop that. Maybe I do need to think about him. I need to work through my feelings towards him. I need to stop putting my head in the sand. I need to face him.
I hate him. I really hate him. He stole my innocence. He stole my childhood. I feel such anger towards him.
Yet I know I need to forgive him. This anger that is inside of me, this hatred that I feel towards him, it isn't healthy. It's not good for me. I need to be able to forgive him. I just don't know how. I'm working on it though. But in order to do that, I need to face him.
I want to see him again. I want to be able to look him in the eye and make him realise I am not a scared little girl anymore. I want him to see that he hasn't destroyed me. But more than anything, I want to be able to ask him 'why'. I know that won't happen though. If we do go to trial, there will be no communication between the two of us. Everything will be done through lawyers. And if we don't go to trial...
I do wish I could talk to him, ask him why he did it, if he feels any regret, if he's at all sorry. After all, how can I forgive someone that has no remorse? But a part of me knows that I will probably never get the chance to ask him these questions.
So, I need to figure out a way to let myself be at peace with what happened without speaking to him and getting 'closure'. Yet I'm aware that 'closure' may never come, in which case I need to find a way to live with this, without it keeping me awake at night.
Me
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Insomnia
I am currently on holiday and using my mobile phone to update my blog. Ah, the wonders of the modern world. I do apologise for any spelling mistakes - using the keypad on my phone isn't the easiest of things.
It's currently gone 3am where I am. I can't sleep. He keeps popping in to my head just as I'm drifting to sleep. This of course makes me jerk awake. So, sleep is impossible. What can I do instead?
Not much. The friend that I'm staying with is asleep in the next room, with no door between our rooms. So watching TV is out of the question. Before you suggest watching it with no sound; I'm in Finland, any subtitles that a show will have is in Finnish. I do not speak or read Finnish. Besides, I doubt there's anything interesting on at this time of the morning anyway.
So TV is out of the question. As is using her laptop to browse the net - it's password protected. So no laptop. What about reading? I've just finished the only book I brought with me. Besides, the light would probably wake her up.
As you can see, there's not much I can do to distract myself. I'll have to stop using my phone to go online soon as well, as it will be costing me a fortune.
It seems that I'm stuck with nothing but unwelcome memories tonight.
I just want to sleep. I'm meant to be up reasonably early tomorrow to do touristy things with my friend. I'm going to be absolutely exhausted. Great.
Why won't my past stop haunting me? Why won't it let me enjoy these few days I have with my friend?
I just want to sleep. Can't he leave me alone for one weekend? He's taken so much from me already, why does the memory of him have to take this weekend as well?
Me
It's currently gone 3am where I am. I can't sleep. He keeps popping in to my head just as I'm drifting to sleep. This of course makes me jerk awake. So, sleep is impossible. What can I do instead?
Not much. The friend that I'm staying with is asleep in the next room, with no door between our rooms. So watching TV is out of the question. Before you suggest watching it with no sound; I'm in Finland, any subtitles that a show will have is in Finnish. I do not speak or read Finnish. Besides, I doubt there's anything interesting on at this time of the morning anyway.
So TV is out of the question. As is using her laptop to browse the net - it's password protected. So no laptop. What about reading? I've just finished the only book I brought with me. Besides, the light would probably wake her up.
As you can see, there's not much I can do to distract myself. I'll have to stop using my phone to go online soon as well, as it will be costing me a fortune.
It seems that I'm stuck with nothing but unwelcome memories tonight.
I just want to sleep. I'm meant to be up reasonably early tomorrow to do touristy things with my friend. I'm going to be absolutely exhausted. Great.
Why won't my past stop haunting me? Why won't it let me enjoy these few days I have with my friend?
I just want to sleep. Can't he leave me alone for one weekend? He's taken so much from me already, why does the memory of him have to take this weekend as well?
Me
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