Night

I can't sleep. It's almost 4.30am. I've taken my sleeping tablets, but they don't seem to be kicking in. I'm meant to see the doctor about getting a higher dose, just until all this uncertainty about whether there will be a trial or not, is over. I really should make that appointment soon.

Instead, right now, I'm stuck with all my memories. I want to sleep, I want to drift in to a peaceful sleep and not have any nightmares. I want to dream about nice things - fluffy bunnies and angels. Unfortunately, I've not had those kind of dreams in a long time. Not since he stole my childhood from me.

It's the not knowing that's the hardest part. I've done all I could do. I told the police, I gave them all the information I could give. They gathered all the evidence they could find. Now it's just waiting. Will he see justice? It's the not knowing that's killing me.

I don't even care if he goes to prison for what he did to me, or for something else. I just want him locked up. I want him to face some kind of justice. He's a pedophile, so the chances are high that they'll find something incrimincating. I just hope it's enough to put him behind bars.

Mid-november seems like such a long time away. How am I meant to have a decent night's sleep, knowing all of this is up in the air? Not only do I need to sleep, I need to be functioning - I'm in my 2nd year of my degree, I need to focus on my work. It's not easy though.

Every time I close my eyes, I see him. It's not that I'm scared of him - not anymore. If he tried any of that sh*t that he used to do to me, he'd have another thing coming. I'd kick his ass. No, I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of the memory of him. It's the part of me that's still 12, 13, 14... 17 years old that's scared of him, the him of the past. When he did have power over me. It's the him in my nightmares that I'm scared of.

That's why I want to go to trial - I want to face him, once and for all. I want to look at him and think 'what a horrible, sleazy, pathetic excuse for a human-being'. I want to look him in the eye and have him realise that he hasn't ruined my life, that he doesn't have any control over me. I want to face him and I want him to face justice. I want him to realise that his actions have consequences, that he can't just go around abusing people, abusing kids.

I want to face reality and see him for the pathetic creature he is. In the meantime... in the meantime I'm stuck with the memories of a terrified child. In the meantime, I wait.

In the meantime I'm plagued with horrible thoughts. What if he's abused other kids in the past 5 years? I could have stopped that from happening if I had just told the police sooner. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't control what he does, who he hurts. In my head I know this. But in my heart... I know I will feel guilty if it turns out he's hurt other kids. It will feel like I could have stopped him, but didn't. By me not doing anything, he could have stolen another child's childhood. That weighs pretty heavy on my mind.

I just want this to be over. I just want to know, one way or the other, what will happen.

I just want a decent night's sleep.

Me

Can't sleep

Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping. For a while, when the doctor put me on sleeping tablets, this problem went away. Most of the time it still works. Most of the time I'll be knocked out within 3 hours of taking the tablets. Some nights though, they don't seem to work. Some nights it feels as if my brain is refusing to let me sleep, because it needs to take a time out and try and process my feelings about him.

Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights. It doesn't matter what I do, my body refuses to let me sleep. Over the years I've learnt every trick in the book to try and stop myself from thinking about him. Then I realised - maybe I should stop that. Maybe I do need to think about him. I need to work through my feelings towards him. I need to stop putting my head in the sand. I need to face him.

I hate him. I really hate him. He stole my innocence. He stole my childhood. I feel such anger towards him.

Yet I know I need to forgive him. This anger that is inside of me, this hatred that I feel towards him, it isn't healthy. It's not good for me. I need to be able to forgive him. I just don't know how. I'm working on it though. But in order to do that, I need to face him.

I want to see him again. I want to be able to look him in the eye and make him realise I am not a scared little girl anymore. I want him to see that he hasn't destroyed me. But more than anything, I want to be able to ask him 'why'. I know that won't happen though. If we do go to trial, there will be no communication between the two of us. Everything will be done through lawyers. And if we don't go to trial...

I do wish I could talk to him, ask him why he did it, if he feels any regret, if he's at all sorry. After all, how can I forgive someone that has no remorse? But a part of me knows that I will probably never get the chance to ask him these questions.

So, I need to figure out a way to let myself be at peace with what happened without speaking to him and getting 'closure'. Yet I'm aware that 'closure' may never come, in which case I need to find a way to live with this, without it keeping me awake at night.

Me