Testifying again

1:10am – Please brain, please let me go to sleep.  It’s actually hurting my eyes to have them open to type this, but I just can’t get to sleep.  I’m so, so tired.  Why can’t I sleep?  I need to be on top form for tomorrow.  I need to be at my best, because I’m going to be hit with the defense’s full strength.  I need to be well rested so that I’m capable of defending myself from the defense.  This is awful.  Please brain, let me sleep.

1:40am – Still can’t sleep.  I’m tossing and turning.  I’m trying to empty my mind, to steady my breathing.  I’m using all the tricks in the book to help me sleep and nothing is working.  I've given up for now.  I’ll try again in a little while.

I forgot to mention before, what with everything else that’s going on – but the defense doesn't have the link to my blog.  Thank God for small mercies.  It turns out that my parents gave the link to the police (which I knew about, after they had given it) and the police told the defense that I had a blog.  I thought that meant that they had given them the link, but they haven’t.  All that they’re required to do by law is to let the defense know if its existence, they don’t have to let them know of the location.  So that’s good.

My family and friends are also being amazing.  I’m getting so many texts, emails and messages on Facebook wishing me luck, and telling me that they’re praying of me/thinking of me/sending me positive vibes.  The support is overwhelming.  I have some pretty amazing people in my life, which I am extremely grateful for.

I wonder what he’s doing right now?  Is he managing to get any sleep?  Is he as worried as I am?  Or is he confident that he’s going to get away with it, because people like him always get away with it?

I know that no matter what happens, I've done all that I can.  But that’s only a small comfort.  To be honest, it’s not very comforting at all.

Things keep going round and round in my head.  I keep thinking about what the defense said, and how frustrating it is that I’m not allowed to tell the whole story.  I hate the fact that the law is bending over backwards to accommodate him, whereas it is bitch-slapping me in the face.  I now understand when people say that it’s like being raped all over again.  Because that’s exactly what it feels like.

All I can do is stay calm, to not rise to the bait.  When she is bombarding me with things like ‘I think that’s not what happened, I think this happened, I think that happened, I think you’re mis-remembering etc.’, all I can do is to keep repeating ‘no’, over and over again.

Isn't it true that you only met when you were 16?

No.

Isn't it true, in fact, that you never met?

No.

Isn't it true that there was no mention of anything sexual?

No.

I think you’re misremembering.

No.

I think you’re over exaggerating.

No.

I think you like to tell stories and make things up.

No.

On and on and on it goes.  On the bright side, however, is the fact that I’m not stupid.  Okay, I’m not exactly a genius, but I’m not dumb either.  So when she asked me why, when I was in my early teens, I searched for something along the lines of ‘rape support, rape laws, falsely accused rape, incest, pedophilia’ etc etc.  I told her the truth.

I was doing a presentation for school.

As a young teenager you chose the topic of pedophilia?  Doesn't this, in fact, mean that you knew what was happening to you, that you would have told someone when you realised it related to you?  That, in fact, you’re making the whole thing up and none of this ever happened, but that you like the attention?

We all had to choose a topic that would have a big impact – some of my friends chose domestic violence, testing on animals for cosmetic reasons, famous serial killers and so forth.  I wanted mine to have an impact as well so I chose that subject, as not long ago the famous pedophile Marc Dutroux had escaped from prison and was always on the news, that’s what gave me the idea for my presentation and I never associated it with me, because I thought that he was my friend, I trusted him.

I don’t think she was expecting my answer to be so coherent.  But, like I said, I was telling the truth.  I swore on the Bible to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

Yes, looking back now I can see that he was grooming me, that he was using me for his perverted sexual pleasure.  But at the time I didn't realise this.  I thought I had made a cool older friend.  I was being bullied at school, I was fat, I was shy.  Then here’s this cool older guy that says I’m pretty, that I’m perfect as I am, that I am funny and sexy.  He listens to my dumb, childish problems.  He treated me like an adult, he listened to me.  And when he asked me if I’d ever kissed or touched anyone, I thought he was just interested in me.

Now, as an adult looking back, I can see all the obvious warning signs.  I can see exactly what was happening.  At the time I thought I’d made a new friend, and I didn't want to disappoint him by being childish in case he stopped being my friend, so I did what he wanted.

But at the time I didn't know what was happening, I couldn't see it.  I was a child.  I know it wasn't my fault.  But the defense keeps pushing and pushing at me, blaming me, calling me a liar, that I’m doing this for the money, that I’m living in a fantasy world, that I've got the wrong guy and so on.

It’s draining.  So draining.

And that was only round 1.  Round 2 is tomorrow (or rather, today).  And I’m dreading it.

Why am I being punished for being abused?   I hate this so much.

2:40am – Sorry about my last entry, I know I rambled quite a bit.  I’m just so unbelievably tired and can’t think straight.  I’m leaving it in, because I think it’s a pretty accurate representation of where my head is at the minute.

I desperately need sleep.  Why can’t I bloody well get to sleep?  I’m about to cry tears of utter frustration.

1:30pm – I eventually managed to get to sleep sometime between 3-4am.  I did not want to get up this morning.  Am exhausted.

We arrived in court just before 10am.  There was another woman in the witness lounge and we got talking, she was telling me about her case (not going to go in to details, but she was here for a domestic violence case as the victim).  Talking to her helped me quite a bit, I forgot why I was here for a while, and was just listening to her.

Then at just after 11am I was called through to the witness box.  I was reminded that I’m still under oath.  Then the prosecution (the good guys) questioned me.  So many questions.  Entries from my diary were read out – my Lord, I was such a melodramatic child!  It was quite hard to read it, especially in front of everyone.  I wrote a lot of crap about my parents, saying I hated them,  I wrote about my self-harm and bulimia, I wrote about silly childhood crushes etc.  It was embarrassing having my life dissected.   The validity of my diary was questioned etc.

Then questions about the internet history were asked, about all the porn sites he sent me.  I told the truth, that I can’t remember the names of them so couldn't confirm for definite, but that if you looked at the times of them it was around the time that I was on the computer etc.

Then she asked me why I only went to the police as a young adult, and not as a child.  I again told the truth.  That I didn't tell anyone, that it took me years to tell my psychologist and then it was only with her help and support that I was able to tell my parents, months afterwards.

Now the court has broken up for lunch.  I was being questioned for almost 3 hours.  And that was only the prosecution.  At 2pm I have to go back to be interrogated by the defense.  I’m terrified.

When I was brought back to the witness area, I was shaking so much I couldn't even hold and drink my cup of coffee for fear of spilling it.  I've had two cigarettes and I’m about to have another.  I cried and hugged my Mum.

I also prayed.  The chapel wasn't open, but there’s an empty room that I was allowed to use, and I prayed.  I cried a bit.  I asked for strength.

I feel a lot calmer now.  I’m still shaking a bit and I’m still terrified, but I feel calmer.  I trust in God, He gives me strength.

Oh man, I’m absolutely terrified to be interrogated by the defense again, to be called a liar, a money-grabber etc etc.  I want this to be over.

10:00pm – I’m at home now.  Ended up being questioned by the defense for 45 minutes.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not – 45 minutes.  It was still pretty awful.  She kept phrasing things in a way that made me look awful.

She also asked the question about why it took so long for me to report, especially as there could be other victims.  And that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life – knowing that, because of me, he could have hurt someone else.  Because I was too weak to come forward.  Yes, he would be ultimately to blame, but I could have stopped him.  Potentially, someone’s ruined childhood is on my hands.  And I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  It haunts me.

She asked so many other questions, made out the diary was fake, that I had just written it, that I had only mentioned him a few times and he was just a friend etc.  I only mentioned him a few times because at the time I was terrified that my Mum would find my diary and read it and find out about him.

It was awful.  She hadn't quite finished her questioning, but the T-loop system broke, so I couldn't hear a thing.  I was dismissed. 

I came out of the courtroom and found my parents.  I broke down crying.

My police liaison officer has just been amazing throughout all of this.  She is absolutely fantastic.  So is the kick-ass detective.  Couldn't ask for better.  They’re both absolute stars.

I’m home.  The drive back was long, and I couldn't sleep.  Was too agitated, so I kept my parents company while one drove and the other had a nap, and I am now home.  I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.

I just want this nightmare to be over.  I’m drained – emotionally and physically.  Exhausted.  Depleted.  I just want this to be over.

Worry

In the next week and a half I will hear from my liason officer about what's happening with the trial, if there is a trial. Will he plead guilty to all accounts and go straight to jail, but serve a lesser sentence? Will he plead guilty to some charges and innocent to others? In which case he will still go to jail (due to the other chargers) but I will need to testify against him. Or will he plead innocent to all 40+ chargers? In which case I will need to testify, as well as other people. If that is the case, the chances of him being found innocent are next to nothing, as the evidence for some of the chargers are overwhelming. If he does choose this option, then when he is found guilty, he will serve a longer sentence.

So this is playing on my mind a lot at the moment. I know it is out of my control, I have no say in what happens. But my mind is playing through all the scenarios. Will he plead guilty? Will he plead innocent? Will I have to face him in court? Will I have to relive all those moments in front of everyone? Moments that I can barely bring myself to talk about in detail with my psychologist, friends and family, but will have to tell a room full of strangers. Not just strangers, but the defense, who will do everything s/he can to break me down and convince everyone that I'm lying.

That terrifies me. For almost all of my life, he has had a hold over me, he has abused me, he has raped me. And now, possibly, I will have to relive every single moment in a court full of strangers. I've heard some people say that going to court and being questioned and interrogated by the defense is like being raped again. And I can already see what they mean. I will have to tell them my worst memories, relive them and then argue against the defense as s/he tries to convince people that I am lying, that the abuse never happened, that my pain and suffering aren't real.

There is no best case scenario either. If he pleads guilty he gets a shorter prison sentence. If he pleads innocent I will get ripped apart and stomped on in the trial. For me, it's a lose-lose situation, as far as my mental health goes anyway. I guess it's a win-win in that either way he will go to jail, it just depends for how long.

So yes, it's on my mind a lot at the minute. I'm trying not to think about it, but how can I not?

It's leaving me completely exhausted and tense. My depression and PTSD are quite active at the minute because of it. Which means that it's difficult to study.

No matter how much I study, it's not enough. I'm working so hard, pushing myself to my limits to get this studying done. I'm using every ounce of energy and motivation I have. Which leaves me completely exhausted and depleted. And yet the studying that I can manage to do is no where near enough.

People keep telling me I need to study more, that time is running out, that the exams are looming. I know this. And I am doing my hardest. Everything I write and remember is a huge achievement for me, it is something to be celebrated. But it's not enough. I am doing as much as I physically can without causing myself to have a breakdown. I am working the hardest I can, I am working so hard that I am empty of everything else. But it's not enough.

I know I should feel angry at him for putting me in this position. I know if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have PTSD and I wouldn't be pushing myself to the absolute limits with almost no noticeable results. Yet I'm just too exhausted to feel angry. I'm too exhausted to feel much of anything. Except worry.

Worry about what news my police liason officer will bring. Worry about what my next nightmare will be about. Worry about facing him. Worry about being pushed to break down in court. Worry about not studying enough. Worry about failing my exams. Worry about having another panic attack. Worry about being a dissapointment - to myself, my friends and my family.

Me

Life

So he has been charged with over 40 offences. Some of them of those offences are for what he did to me (the childhood sexual abuse, not the rape).

Depending on what he pleads, there will most likely be a trial. He could plead not guitly to all of them, in which case there will be a trial. He could plead guilty to some and not guilty to others, in which case there will be a trial. Or he could plead guilty to all of them, in which case there won't be a trial and he would probably get a lesser sentence. He has between 2-3 months to decide.

Two or three months before I know what will happen. It is possible, even likely, that the trial would then happen in the summer. It's a long wait. It is difficult to live with all of this uncertainty. I do feel like I can't completely move on with my life, not until all of this is over, whatever the outcome may be.

However, I am moving forward with my life. It may always be at the back of my mind, but I am continuing with my life. I am at university. Soon I will have to decide what to do my dissertation on. I will have exams soon. I'm going on holiday with a friend at Easter. I have a social life. I am doing good.

This wasn't always the case - even as little as a few months ago I was locking myself away, avoiding my friends. I needed to be alone, to process what was happening. I couldn't face people - I didn't want to pretend to be alright, I didn't want to plaster on a fake smile. So I avoided most of my friends and became a recluse for a few weeks.

Luckily I have some pretty amazing friends, and they didn't stand for that. After all, a friend is someone who is there in the good times and the bad. With their help - and certain friends in particular - I managed to figure a few things out and I realised that I didn't want to be a recluse.

I like life. Yes, it is hard. Sometimes it seems impossibly difficult. Sometimes it seemed like the hits kept coming and I had no time to recover from the last hit, let alone deal with the latest one. But that's what life is. It's a rollercoaster with ups and downs. And my friends and family are on the that rollercoaster with me - there's no point trying to go through life alone. All you can do is enjoy the ups together, and comfort and be there for the downs.

But I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be living my life, with all of its ups and downs.

And slowly, so slowly, I am healing.

I prayed for him at church on Sunday. I wasn't planning on doing that. But while we were praying, it just seemed right to pray for him. It felt like the right time.

Afterwards, I realised that I had just taken the first step in forgiving him. I still have a long way to go. I don't forgive him for what he did, not yet. But I've taken the first step towards forgiveness. And it feels good. I feel good. I feel like I have let go of some the hatred that I have towards him, and I feel lighter, happier.

I still have a long, long way to go. But for now, life is good.

Another interview

I've just heard from my police liason officer. It seems he doesn't want any more reports from my psychologist. This is good. What he does want is another statement. I'm unsure how I feel about this.

He said that the investigation is slowly coming to an end, but there are two things that need to happen. One involves him, so he can't tell me what that is. The other involves me. My liason officer said that the Criminal Prosecution Service brought some things to their attention, so they need to interview me again.

Now he won't tell me what it's about due to its sensitive nature. Instead he's asked to come up again to interview me, which shouldn't take more than 2 hours.

I have to admit, I'm nervous. The last interview I did was absolutely exhausting. I had to relive everything. I had to give intimate details about all the abuse and the rape. It was horrible. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I won't have to do it again, until the trial (if there is one).

Now it seems like I have to give another statement. Which has me worried - did I forget to mention something? Have I blocked something from my mind and so didn't mention it?

I wish he could tell me what this is all about. It will give me time to emotionally prepare myself. But for some reason he can't tell me until he sees me. Which means that all sorts of scenarios are racing through my mind. And there's no possibility of me trying to prepare myself.

Do they need me to be unprepared so that they can capture my reactions?

It's probably nothing, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to be thinking about all the possibilities until I'm interviewed again. Add to that, he said that the investigation is nearing the end. This means that soon I will know whether we're going to trial or not. To say that my emotions are running high is an understatement. Soon I will know, one way or another, what my future will bring.

Night

I can't sleep. It's almost 4.30am. I've taken my sleeping tablets, but they don't seem to be kicking in. I'm meant to see the doctor about getting a higher dose, just until all this uncertainty about whether there will be a trial or not, is over. I really should make that appointment soon.

Instead, right now, I'm stuck with all my memories. I want to sleep, I want to drift in to a peaceful sleep and not have any nightmares. I want to dream about nice things - fluffy bunnies and angels. Unfortunately, I've not had those kind of dreams in a long time. Not since he stole my childhood from me.

It's the not knowing that's the hardest part. I've done all I could do. I told the police, I gave them all the information I could give. They gathered all the evidence they could find. Now it's just waiting. Will he see justice? It's the not knowing that's killing me.

I don't even care if he goes to prison for what he did to me, or for something else. I just want him locked up. I want him to face some kind of justice. He's a pedophile, so the chances are high that they'll find something incrimincating. I just hope it's enough to put him behind bars.

Mid-november seems like such a long time away. How am I meant to have a decent night's sleep, knowing all of this is up in the air? Not only do I need to sleep, I need to be functioning - I'm in my 2nd year of my degree, I need to focus on my work. It's not easy though.

Every time I close my eyes, I see him. It's not that I'm scared of him - not anymore. If he tried any of that sh*t that he used to do to me, he'd have another thing coming. I'd kick his ass. No, I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of the memory of him. It's the part of me that's still 12, 13, 14... 17 years old that's scared of him, the him of the past. When he did have power over me. It's the him in my nightmares that I'm scared of.

That's why I want to go to trial - I want to face him, once and for all. I want to look at him and think 'what a horrible, sleazy, pathetic excuse for a human-being'. I want to look him in the eye and have him realise that he hasn't ruined my life, that he doesn't have any control over me. I want to face him and I want him to face justice. I want him to realise that his actions have consequences, that he can't just go around abusing people, abusing kids.

I want to face reality and see him for the pathetic creature he is. In the meantime... in the meantime I'm stuck with the memories of a terrified child. In the meantime, I wait.

In the meantime I'm plagued with horrible thoughts. What if he's abused other kids in the past 5 years? I could have stopped that from happening if I had just told the police sooner. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't control what he does, who he hurts. In my head I know this. But in my heart... I know I will feel guilty if it turns out he's hurt other kids. It will feel like I could have stopped him, but didn't. By me not doing anything, he could have stolen another child's childhood. That weighs pretty heavy on my mind.

I just want this to be over. I just want to know, one way or the other, what will happen.

I just want a decent night's sleep.

Me

Wondering

My Police liason officer (PLO) contacted me yesterday. He said that they brought 'the suspect' in for more questioning but that he refused to even say one word. So the police have made an appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service). It takes 4 weeks to get an appointment. They will then present all the evidence they have to them. It will then take a further 4 weeks for the CPS to decide whether there's enough evidence to take him to trial or not.

So that's 8 weeks in total, which means I'll know by mid-November.

However, I've decided I'm going to ignore the timetable that the police keep giving me. It keeps changing! First I was told I would know by mid-summer whether it would go trial or not. Then it was going to be early in 2012. Now it's mid-November.

Wondering when I'll find out whether there will be a trial and when that trial will be is stressing me out. So I'm going to try and stop myself from thinking about it. I know it won't work, but all this wondering isn't doing me any good. All I can think about is 'when will I know?'

This waiting game is horrible. All this wondering. So I'm going to do my best not to think about it, until I know for definite.

I doubt it will work, but still, I have to try. I need to live my life, not sit there wondering what's going to happen.

Me