I can't believe that it has been about a year and a half since the guilty verdict and the sentencing. I don't know why I haven't written or posted anything on here. Probably because before I was so focused on getting through the trial whereas now I am focused on healing myself and building myself back up.
After the trial, I was still in a pretty bad place. Even though I got some closure, I was still suffering from nightmares, flashbacks and all the fun stuff that comes with that. I think it's pretty fair to say that I was a broken person. I didn't think I would ever heal. I didn't know what else to do. I had faced my demons, but felt like I would never actually heal. But... a year and a half is a long time.
A lot has happened in that year. I have grown into a more confident woman. I respect myself. I love myself. I have realised that life is good.
So, what's been happening in my life?
A Weighty Issue
After I was raped, I started to put on more and more weight. At the time I hated it, but couldn't seem to stop it from happening. I didn't want to stop it from happening. Looking back, it's obvious what I was doing. I was trying to make myself unattractive - in my mind, I was raped because I was attractive. Of course, now I know that that is absolute rubbish - short, tall, thin and fat women are raped. It's not about attractiveness, it's about exerting your power over someone else. But in my damaged mind, the more weight I piled on, the safer I was.
That's how I found myself grossly overweight. I hated it, but I didn't want to lose weight and become vulnerable. In my mind, my fat was my protection.
Which is why, when I finally started putting myself back together and regain my confidence, I was finally able to lose the weight. I'm now 4 stone lighter and much more happy and confident within myself. Not to mention a lot healthier!
A New Diagnosis
Last year I was diagnosed with Type 3 Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a hereditary disorder that affects my joints. In its simplest, my body does not produce enough collagen (the 'glue' that keeps joints together) causing frequent dislocations and sublaxations (partial dislocations). There are also a bunch of other symptoms, such as chronic pain (which can be extremely debilitating), joint hypermobility, poor healing, brain fog (due to lack of oxygen to the brain), muscle sprains and many others. Walking can at times be quite difficult. As of yet there is no cure or treatment other than medicine for the pain - which often doesn't work.
It was a relief to finally get the diagnosis, as I'd been complaining to my doctors' for years. I'm extremely relieved to finally know what is wrong with me as, for a long time, I was told that it was all in my head.
I won't lie though: it is extremely frustrating, and I have often found myself angry. For so long I wasn't able to enjoy life and focus on university because my head was in the wrong place - I was a shell of a person and not capable of really doing anything. Now my head is finally in the right place, but my body is failing me. I'm 26 but have found myself at times to be virtually housebound. It is extremely frustrating.
However, I have terrific friends that snap me out of my self-pitying mode and remind me to enjoy the good times in life. When I can go out, I do. When I can't go out, my friends come to me. Unfortunately I have lost some friends who couldn't understand why I often cancelled at the last minute (not easy to socialise when the pain is so overwhelming you literally can not move), but my close friends have been nothing but understanding.
University
I've restarted university and am currently in my second year - again! I'm determined to finish my degree this time. I'm enjoying it immensely. However, EDS does not make it easy. I've missed a lot of lectures due to dislocations, pain and fatigue. (It's unclear yet what's causing the fatigue, but the doctors are trying to figure it out).
I am extremely determined to pass this year, but it does sometimes feel like the world is against me (that's when my good friends knock some sense into me and tell me to get on with it already!). The university have also been extremely supportive and are allowing me to spread my exams out. I know that with hard work and determination I will get there in the end.
Family & Friends
My family and friends have been amazing throughout these past few years. They have been patient and kind. They have let me rant, they have let me cry. They have given me a hug - or a push, depending on which one I needed!
Slowly, I am being helped to knock down the wall I had built around myself and to take off my mask. I now find myself actually smiling and laughing - not putting on a mask, but actually smiling and laughing.
Me
It's been a long and hard road, and I'm not all the way there yet. I still have a lot to unlearn. As a child, I learnt to put on a mask - to smile and pretend that everything was fine. I learnt to be quiet and keep my opinion to myself. I learnt to blend in. I learnt to try and keep the attention away from me. Putting on a mask and keeping people at a distance became a natural part of my everyday life, as did fearing men.
I still find it difficult to be around and to trust men. I still have tendencies to keep men at a safe distance. Because of this, I also have difficulties in forming close friendships with men. Aside from family, I never formed a close bond with a male that wasn't sexual. To me, men were synonymous with sex, because that was what I was taught. It's not surprising really; becoming sexual at age 12 with a man in his 30s is bound to mess up my view on healthy friendships between men and women. Alongside learning how to be good friends with men, I'm also starting to get myself out there and start dating.
I'm also learning to take off my mask and knock down my wall. It's not easy though, in fact, it's extremely scary. They have both been in place for so long, I can't remember being without them. I learnt to hide myself - my body was fair game, but my mind was untouchable. The thought of being without my mask & wall is frightening, but I know it's the right thing to do. Yes, it is terrifying, but it is also freeing. And why should I put on a mask and hide away? I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I no longer need to protect myself like that. In fact, keeping the wall and mask is no longer helpful, it's actually damaging me and my relationships with other people.
Another thing I've been working on is not being such a people-pleaser. I'm a pretty laid back person and am generally pretty happy to go with the flow. But I became a doormat. Again, I was taught to do what I was told and to keep him happy. That translated into every part of my life.
Any question that I was asked (be it "what movie do you want to watch?" or "where do you want to eat?" or "what song do you want to listen to"), I would always respond with; "I don't mind, you choose".
I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to disappoint anyone if I made a choice that they didn't like. I still have difficulty with this, but I'm learning. After all - why is my happiness and wishes worth less than that of others?
I'm learning to actually speak up for myself and to ask people to meet me half way, instead of me bending over backwards for other people and being taken for a mug.
So yes, I still have a long way to go. But I am definitely on the right track.
For so long I felt sad and angry because I felt like I missed out on having an innocent childhood. I wondered what I would be like if I hadn't been sexually abused, if I hadn't been raped, if, if, if... Then I realised something. Looking back was not helping me. Instead of focusing on the past, I should be focusing on the future.
Yes, what happened to me was pretty awful and will probably always stay with me. But there is no turning back time, no changing the past. Instead, I am learning to look to the future and focus on who I want to become now, instead of who I was back then. And I have to say - I am liking the woman that I am turning into.
It is important to not let your past define who you are. Of course you will always be affected by it. But your past does not define you. Your past is your past, but your future? That is all yours and it is up to you to decide what you want to do with it and who you want to become. Because you know what? Life can be pretty damned amazing if you actually let yourself feel and live it.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards" - S Kierkegaard.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
Thursday, 21 February 2013
The problem
All in all, I'm doing alright. I'm getting my life back on track.
But sometimes I feel as if I'm not doing it fast enough. I feel as if people are thinking "you've got the guilty verdict, you've got the amazing sentencing, everything worked out so much better than expected - so why aren't you healed? Move on with your life already".
I feel like there is a huge expectation for me to suddenly be magically better. It feels like I shouldn't have any problems anymore. It seems like people expected all of my problems to disappear with the guilty-verdict. I can see their point - the perpetrator of those crimes is behind bars, and will be for a long, long time. Believe me - that thought alone still makes me want to do a little happy dance and shout with joy. I feel like my life is just starting while his is over.
So what's the problem, you ask?
The problem is I still have nightmares. The problem is that I still have triggers that will bring back a memory I'd rather not remember. Not a flashback - those are awful, and thankfully, they are very infrequent - but a very vivid memory. One can pop up at any time and knock the breath out of me. I still haven't figured out all the triggers - certain music, a turn of phrase, a topic of conversation, a smell, a picture...
The problem is that his face still pops in to my mind when I close my eyes. I'm not scared of him anymore, I could look him in the eye. But it's still not a face I want in my mind before going to sleep.
The problem is that I still flinch. I'm still wary. I still don't trust.
I want more than anything to be 'normal'. To go to bed before 4am and wake up before noon. To finish university, to hold a steady job, to be able to provide for and look after myself. I'm getting there, slowly. But it's going to take time. Hopefully by the time university starts again in October, I'll be ready.
But right now, I'm not. I know full well that I am still a mess.
Memories that I had buried, are now coming to the surface. I'd rather forget them.
I feel like people expect me to be better and to be this strong woman that can handle anything, when in fact, I still have days where I can barely bring myself to get out of bed.
I know there comes a point where "enough is enough and you need to move on". The last thing I want to do is 'bore' people with what's going around my head, especially when people have their own things going on. I don't want to be that person that can't move on with their life. I don't want to be that person that people avoid talking to because they're stuck in the past.
But at the same time - I'm not magically healed. There is no set healing time for 5 years of abuse, and rape. It will take time. I am going to have bad days. I am going to be triggered about something. But I am also going to pick myself up after a bad day and do my damned hardest to make the next day a good day.
The bottom line? I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. I don't want them to feel like I'm wallowing. I want to get my life back on track. I know that if I stay in the past, I'll stay hurt and I'll stay a victim. I can't heal unless I'm in the present and looking towards the future. I'm working on it. It's just not always easy.
But sometimes I feel as if I'm not doing it fast enough. I feel as if people are thinking "you've got the guilty verdict, you've got the amazing sentencing, everything worked out so much better than expected - so why aren't you healed? Move on with your life already".
I feel like there is a huge expectation for me to suddenly be magically better. It feels like I shouldn't have any problems anymore. It seems like people expected all of my problems to disappear with the guilty-verdict. I can see their point - the perpetrator of those crimes is behind bars, and will be for a long, long time. Believe me - that thought alone still makes me want to do a little happy dance and shout with joy. I feel like my life is just starting while his is over.
So what's the problem, you ask?
The problem is I still have nightmares. The problem is that I still have triggers that will bring back a memory I'd rather not remember. Not a flashback - those are awful, and thankfully, they are very infrequent - but a very vivid memory. One can pop up at any time and knock the breath out of me. I still haven't figured out all the triggers - certain music, a turn of phrase, a topic of conversation, a smell, a picture...
The problem is that his face still pops in to my mind when I close my eyes. I'm not scared of him anymore, I could look him in the eye. But it's still not a face I want in my mind before going to sleep.
The problem is that I still flinch. I'm still wary. I still don't trust.
I want more than anything to be 'normal'. To go to bed before 4am and wake up before noon. To finish university, to hold a steady job, to be able to provide for and look after myself. I'm getting there, slowly. But it's going to take time. Hopefully by the time university starts again in October, I'll be ready.
But right now, I'm not. I know full well that I am still a mess.
Memories that I had buried, are now coming to the surface. I'd rather forget them.
I feel like people expect me to be better and to be this strong woman that can handle anything, when in fact, I still have days where I can barely bring myself to get out of bed.
I know there comes a point where "enough is enough and you need to move on". The last thing I want to do is 'bore' people with what's going around my head, especially when people have their own things going on. I don't want to be that person that can't move on with their life. I don't want to be that person that people avoid talking to because they're stuck in the past.
But at the same time - I'm not magically healed. There is no set healing time for 5 years of abuse, and rape. It will take time. I am going to have bad days. I am going to be triggered about something. But I am also going to pick myself up after a bad day and do my damned hardest to make the next day a good day.
The bottom line? I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. I don't want them to feel like I'm wallowing. I want to get my life back on track. I know that if I stay in the past, I'll stay hurt and I'll stay a victim. I can't heal unless I'm in the present and looking towards the future. I'm working on it. It's just not always easy.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
What I've been doing
I haven't updated for quite a while, sorry about that. I've just been trying to digest everything and wrap my head around the fact that he is going to jail.
Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened. Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that. Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail. It's fantastic. But I still have depression. I still have PTSD. I still have insomnia. I still have anxiety. Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.
I am getting there, but it's a long process. I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago. And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still. One step at a time; one day at a time.
The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now? For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown. Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given. It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?
Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement. This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim. I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well. Peace of cake. Except, it wasn't a piece of cake. It was pretty difficult.
Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft. That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started. So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!). However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.
I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank. How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph? That's a hell of a task. The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank. Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming. Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.
What else have I been doing? I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker. I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it. I enjoyed the act of smoking. I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking. But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life. I don't want to keep hurting my body. So, I stopped. I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower. A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking. And she's right.
I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun. It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.
And I've been grieving. My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly. Now I am. I miss her terribly. I talk to her. I cry. I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us. I still can't believe that I will never see her again. I will never hear her laugh. We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate). I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating. It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal. I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter. Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife. My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.
So I'm struggling with that. And I'm trying to process everything. This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail. I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying. How am I meant to deal with that?
I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail. But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend. I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it. But I just miss her so much.
Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened. Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that. Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail. It's fantastic. But I still have depression. I still have PTSD. I still have insomnia. I still have anxiety. Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.
I am getting there, but it's a long process. I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago. And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still. One step at a time; one day at a time.
The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now? For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown. Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given. It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?
Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement. This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim. I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well. Peace of cake. Except, it wasn't a piece of cake. It was pretty difficult.
Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft. That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started. So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!). However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.
I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank. How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph? That's a hell of a task. The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank. Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming. Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.
What else have I been doing? I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker. I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it. I enjoyed the act of smoking. I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking. But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life. I don't want to keep hurting my body. So, I stopped. I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower. A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking. And she's right.
I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun. It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.
And I've been grieving. My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly. Now I am. I miss her terribly. I talk to her. I cry. I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us. I still can't believe that I will never see her again. I will never hear her laugh. We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate). I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating. It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal. I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter. Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife. My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.
So I'm struggling with that. And I'm trying to process everything. This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail. I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying. How am I meant to deal with that?
I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail. But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend. I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it. But I just miss her so much.
Friday, 30 November 2012
Planning
I still can't believe it. He's been found guilty. I had convinced myself that they would find him not guilty, that I wouldn't be believed. I know that my case is a minority - so many rapists aren't even taken to court, and few of those that are are found guilty. Then again, mine wasn't a rape case, it was a child abuse case.
He will never be convicted of raping me. The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point. It's not the fault of the police. It's the system. But... I'm okay with that. He has been found guilty. So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that. So I am extremely thankful.
And happy. I am so, so SO happy. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer). His bail has been revoked. He is in jail. He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me. Never again.
I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had. My stomach does not like alcohol. And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration. So I'm pretty tired today. But guess what? HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on cloud nine. I feel like I've won the lottery. I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro. I feel happy.
It's not over yet though. Not by a long shot. Yes, the trial is over. That part of my life is done. His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.
But that's not what I'm referring to. Yes, the trial is over. But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape. Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore. It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.
I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.
I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.
Guilty motherfucker! Yes!!!!
So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed. But I'm getting there. As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life. Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.
And that feels good. So, so good.
So yes, I am moving on with my life. It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world. I have no weight bearing down on me anymore. I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track. And that feels amazing.
So, what are my life changing plans? Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself. I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc. But that's not all. I'm quitting smoking.
I've always said that after the trial I will quit. Well, the trial has finished. So I guess I better quit. I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc). One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?
Yes, I probably will want to smoke. Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation. I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible. But there will always be stressful situations. So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks. That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit). I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.
So. I'm quitting smoking. I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again. I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened. I enjoyed doing things. But over the past years, I've not done anything. I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself. Well, no more!
My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them! I used to love riding horses as a child. I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider. But I haven't ridden since I was about 12. I used to love it. So I'm going to start again.
There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do. Such as lessons in statistics. I hate statistics. I'm crap at it. That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough. So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons. Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!
Let's see... what else have I been putting off? Getting my first aid certificate. I used to be a qualified first aider. But I let that slide. I want it back. And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.
Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much. For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle. So I don't want to take on too much, too fast. The first step is to quit smoking. Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame). I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.
So. That's my plan. December - quit smoking. January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again. February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans. March - First Aid training. April/May - statistics lessons. Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays. I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all. But to me, all of this is huge. It's a lot. I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life. It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with. But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!
I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it. I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on the [long] road to recovery. I am starting to live my life. And I feel GREAT.
He will never be convicted of raping me. The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point. It's not the fault of the police. It's the system. But... I'm okay with that. He has been found guilty. So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that. So I am extremely thankful.
And happy. I am so, so SO happy. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer). His bail has been revoked. He is in jail. He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me. Never again.
I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had. My stomach does not like alcohol. And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration. So I'm pretty tired today. But guess what? HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on cloud nine. I feel like I've won the lottery. I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro. I feel happy.
It's not over yet though. Not by a long shot. Yes, the trial is over. That part of my life is done. His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.
But that's not what I'm referring to. Yes, the trial is over. But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape. Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore. It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.
I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.
I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.
Guilty motherfucker! Yes!!!!
So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed. But I'm getting there. As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life. Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.
And that feels good. So, so good.
So yes, I am moving on with my life. It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world. I have no weight bearing down on me anymore. I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track. And that feels amazing.
So, what are my life changing plans? Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself. I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc. But that's not all. I'm quitting smoking.
I've always said that after the trial I will quit. Well, the trial has finished. So I guess I better quit. I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc). One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?
Yes, I probably will want to smoke. Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation. I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible. But there will always be stressful situations. So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks. That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit). I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.
So. I'm quitting smoking. I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again. I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened. I enjoyed doing things. But over the past years, I've not done anything. I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself. Well, no more!
My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them! I used to love riding horses as a child. I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider. But I haven't ridden since I was about 12. I used to love it. So I'm going to start again.
There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do. Such as lessons in statistics. I hate statistics. I'm crap at it. That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough. So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons. Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!
Let's see... what else have I been putting off? Getting my first aid certificate. I used to be a qualified first aider. But I let that slide. I want it back. And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.
Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much. For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle. So I don't want to take on too much, too fast. The first step is to quit smoking. Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame). I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.
So. That's my plan. December - quit smoking. January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again. February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans. March - First Aid training. April/May - statistics lessons. Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays. I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all. But to me, all of this is huge. It's a lot. I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life. It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with. But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!
I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it. I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on the [long] road to recovery. I am starting to live my life. And I feel GREAT.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Why me?
I try to be strong. I'm trying to 'move on' with my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can choose to not let it affect my future. I reported my abuse and rape. The CPS decided that there wasn't enough evidence to charge him with my rape. Nothing I can do about that, so I'm focussing on the fact that they have charged him with my abuse - 20 of the charges that he is facing are against me. I can't change the fact that I was raped, but I can choose to not live my life as a victim. And for the most part, I am. I am focussing on the upcoming trial, and I am focussing on healing myself.
But sometimes... sometimes I have moments where I am filled with despair and I think "why me?". I get angry. I see my friends living their lives, and I am happy for them. They are getting married, starting a family. They are going out partying. They are worrying about exams. It's the life I should be living, if none of this had happened to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I envy them, each and every one of them. I don't for a second wish anyone harm - I just wish that I could be living that life, instead of worrying about facing my rapist in court.
I should be graduated from university by now. I should have a job. I should be happy.
At the same time, I am aware that everything happens for a reason. I trust in God. And because of what happened, I have met some amazing people. Had I not been raped, I would not have met some of the people that I consider to be my close friends. My friends are amazing and bring a lot of joy in to my life, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. In that respect I feel lucky.
That doesn't stop me from wondering what my life would have been like if I had never met him (but if somehow, my friends were still a part of my life). I wouldn't be plagued with nightmares. I wouldn't jump at a loud noise. I wouldn't flinch at an unexpected touch. I wouldn't find it so hard to trust people.
I don't often have these moments where I cry about the injustice of it all, but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream in anger at the hand that I've been dealt. I want to scream at him for what he's done to me. I want to scream for my lost childhood. I want to scream at a society that instead of teaching men not to rape, it teaches girls not to get raped. I just want to scream.
If I close my eyes, I can almost picture the woman that I could have been. Happy. Trusting. Full of life. A wicked sense of humour. I know that she is in there somewhere, and that slowly I am finding her. I just wish I didn't have to find her. I wish I hadn't been abused and raped, and that I didn't have to work so hard to overcome being a rape victim.
I know that there is nothing that can be done about my past. I know there is no point in saying "why me?". I know I should be looking forwards, not backwards. And for the most part I do look towards the future - the future where I have become that happy, carefree woman inside me that is fighting to get out. But sometimes, even knowing that there is no point, I can't help it, I think about the life I could have lived up until now and I want to know; why me?
I want to worry about normal things. I want to worry about exams, about relationships, about the next party. I don't want to worry about trying not to flinch when I am touched. I don't want to worry about having flashbacks. I don't want to worry about seeing my rapist.
I just want to be a normal girl living a normal life.
Instead, I am a statistic - I am one of the 20% of women that have been raped.
It is not fair, I know this. I know there is no reason. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But that doesn't stop me fantasing about the life I could be leading. It doesn't stop me from asking the question, even though I know there is no answer to it.
Why me?
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Life
So he has been charged with over 40 offences. Some of them of those offences are for what he did to me (the childhood sexual abuse, not the rape).
Depending on what he pleads, there will most likely be a trial. He could plead not guitly to all of them, in which case there will be a trial. He could plead guilty to some and not guilty to others, in which case there will be a trial. Or he could plead guilty to all of them, in which case there won't be a trial and he would probably get a lesser sentence. He has between 2-3 months to decide.
Two or three months before I know what will happen. It is possible, even likely, that the trial would then happen in the summer. It's a long wait. It is difficult to live with all of this uncertainty. I do feel like I can't completely move on with my life, not until all of this is over, whatever the outcome may be.
However, I am moving forward with my life. It may always be at the back of my mind, but I am continuing with my life. I am at university. Soon I will have to decide what to do my dissertation on. I will have exams soon. I'm going on holiday with a friend at Easter. I have a social life. I am doing good.
This wasn't always the case - even as little as a few months ago I was locking myself away, avoiding my friends. I needed to be alone, to process what was happening. I couldn't face people - I didn't want to pretend to be alright, I didn't want to plaster on a fake smile. So I avoided most of my friends and became a recluse for a few weeks.
Luckily I have some pretty amazing friends, and they didn't stand for that. After all, a friend is someone who is there in the good times and the bad. With their help - and certain friends in particular - I managed to figure a few things out and I realised that I didn't want to be a recluse.
I like life. Yes, it is hard. Sometimes it seems impossibly difficult. Sometimes it seemed like the hits kept coming and I had no time to recover from the last hit, let alone deal with the latest one. But that's what life is. It's a rollercoaster with ups and downs. And my friends and family are on the that rollercoaster with me - there's no point trying to go through life alone. All you can do is enjoy the ups together, and comfort and be there for the downs.
But I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be living my life, with all of its ups and downs.
And slowly, so slowly, I am healing.
I prayed for him at church on Sunday. I wasn't planning on doing that. But while we were praying, it just seemed right to pray for him. It felt like the right time.
Afterwards, I realised that I had just taken the first step in forgiving him. I still have a long way to go. I don't forgive him for what he did, not yet. But I've taken the first step towards forgiveness. And it feels good. I feel good. I feel like I have let go of some the hatred that I have towards him, and I feel lighter, happier.
I still have a long, long way to go. But for now, life is good.
Depending on what he pleads, there will most likely be a trial. He could plead not guitly to all of them, in which case there will be a trial. He could plead guilty to some and not guilty to others, in which case there will be a trial. Or he could plead guilty to all of them, in which case there won't be a trial and he would probably get a lesser sentence. He has between 2-3 months to decide.
Two or three months before I know what will happen. It is possible, even likely, that the trial would then happen in the summer. It's a long wait. It is difficult to live with all of this uncertainty. I do feel like I can't completely move on with my life, not until all of this is over, whatever the outcome may be.
However, I am moving forward with my life. It may always be at the back of my mind, but I am continuing with my life. I am at university. Soon I will have to decide what to do my dissertation on. I will have exams soon. I'm going on holiday with a friend at Easter. I have a social life. I am doing good.
This wasn't always the case - even as little as a few months ago I was locking myself away, avoiding my friends. I needed to be alone, to process what was happening. I couldn't face people - I didn't want to pretend to be alright, I didn't want to plaster on a fake smile. So I avoided most of my friends and became a recluse for a few weeks.
Luckily I have some pretty amazing friends, and they didn't stand for that. After all, a friend is someone who is there in the good times and the bad. With their help - and certain friends in particular - I managed to figure a few things out and I realised that I didn't want to be a recluse.
I like life. Yes, it is hard. Sometimes it seems impossibly difficult. Sometimes it seemed like the hits kept coming and I had no time to recover from the last hit, let alone deal with the latest one. But that's what life is. It's a rollercoaster with ups and downs. And my friends and family are on the that rollercoaster with me - there's no point trying to go through life alone. All you can do is enjoy the ups together, and comfort and be there for the downs.
But I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be living my life, with all of its ups and downs.
And slowly, so slowly, I am healing.
I prayed for him at church on Sunday. I wasn't planning on doing that. But while we were praying, it just seemed right to pray for him. It felt like the right time.
Afterwards, I realised that I had just taken the first step in forgiving him. I still have a long way to go. I don't forgive him for what he did, not yet. But I've taken the first step towards forgiveness. And it feels good. I feel good. I feel like I have let go of some the hatred that I have towards him, and I feel lighter, happier.
I still have a long, long way to go. But for now, life is good.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Back to reality
To start with, I just want to apologise if this entry doesn't make much sense - I'm quite sleep deprived and just writing down my thoughts, which probably aren't that coherent.
For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.
However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.
I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.
It was amazing.
Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.
It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.
I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.
I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.
So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.
So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.
So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.
I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.
To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.
Me
For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.
However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.
I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.
It was amazing.
Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.
It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.
I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.
I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.
So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.
So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.
So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.
I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.
To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.
Me
Friday, 8 July 2011
Thinking about him
I can't say, type or even think about his name. I just can't do it. He was such a big part of my life for so long - from age 12 to 17 - but I can't even think about his name.
When I was growing up, he played a crucial part in my life. He shaped how I viewed men. He shaped how I thought about relationships and sex. Looking back now, I can see that he groomed me, that he sexually exploited me and that he raped me. But at the time it felt like he was my best friend and the love of my life. I was 12 and thought this man in his 30s was the love of my life. It felt like he was the only one I could trust.
Looking back now, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what he did. I suffered for a long time afterwards - and I'm still suffering now. I'm on the road to recovery, but I've still got a long way to go.
And now I keep picturing him, sitting in that police station answering questions about me. Does he even remember me? He changed my life completely and for a long time it felt like he ruined me. He's never far from my mind, he's what haunts me. Yet most likely he's forgotten all about me. Can he even bring a picture of me to his mind?
I've had to rebuild my life from what felt like scratch. I've had to completely re-shape how I view men, relationships, sex and all three combined. Yet he probably didn't even give me a second thought - pushed me completely out of his mind while he went on living his happy life with his wife and three kids.
It's just... it's so hard to imagine that something that has affected me so badly and turned my world upside down (and not in a good way) probably didn't even register on his radar.
My friends and family are telling me not to be afraid anymore - that he can't hurt me. His days of hurting me, of using me, are over. They say that he should be afraid of me now, because I'm strong and standing up to him. This is all true. And I know that physically he can't hurt me anymore.
It's hard to explain, but by not remembering me, by not remembering the terror and the influence he's had on my life, that's a pain in itself. He changed everything to me, he changed me. Yet he most likely doesn't even remember me. I'm not even a blip on his radar.
For 5 years it felt like he was all I had. He destroyed my childhood - he took my innocence. And that night, the night he raped me, he took something else. He took this huge part of me, something which I can never get back. I can replace it with other things, but it will never be the same. I will always bear the scar of him. It might fade, but it will always be there.
That night was the worst night of my life. To him it was probably just a Friday.
I can't even begin to describe how painful that is.
And now, after all these years, I'm going to see a picture of him and identify him and start the process of taking him to trial. His face has been a thing of nightmares for so long, his face has only existed in my mind; and now I'm going to see a picture of him. A real picture - not a nightmare. And that is terrifying. It's the right thing to do, it's what I want to do. But it's painful and terrifying as well. I'm also terrified I won't recognise him... what if he's changed - what if he's put on 50 pounds, or has a beard or...
Now I just need to wait to hear back from the police and decide on a date to go to London and identify him.
In the meantime, I'm meant to continue with my life as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened, when it feels like my whole world has - yet again - been turned upside down.
Me
When I was growing up, he played a crucial part in my life. He shaped how I viewed men. He shaped how I thought about relationships and sex. Looking back now, I can see that he groomed me, that he sexually exploited me and that he raped me. But at the time it felt like he was my best friend and the love of my life. I was 12 and thought this man in his 30s was the love of my life. It felt like he was the only one I could trust.
Looking back now, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what he did. I suffered for a long time afterwards - and I'm still suffering now. I'm on the road to recovery, but I've still got a long way to go.
And now I keep picturing him, sitting in that police station answering questions about me. Does he even remember me? He changed my life completely and for a long time it felt like he ruined me. He's never far from my mind, he's what haunts me. Yet most likely he's forgotten all about me. Can he even bring a picture of me to his mind?
I've had to rebuild my life from what felt like scratch. I've had to completely re-shape how I view men, relationships, sex and all three combined. Yet he probably didn't even give me a second thought - pushed me completely out of his mind while he went on living his happy life with his wife and three kids.
It's just... it's so hard to imagine that something that has affected me so badly and turned my world upside down (and not in a good way) probably didn't even register on his radar.
My friends and family are telling me not to be afraid anymore - that he can't hurt me. His days of hurting me, of using me, are over. They say that he should be afraid of me now, because I'm strong and standing up to him. This is all true. And I know that physically he can't hurt me anymore.
It's hard to explain, but by not remembering me, by not remembering the terror and the influence he's had on my life, that's a pain in itself. He changed everything to me, he changed me. Yet he most likely doesn't even remember me. I'm not even a blip on his radar.
For 5 years it felt like he was all I had. He destroyed my childhood - he took my innocence. And that night, the night he raped me, he took something else. He took this huge part of me, something which I can never get back. I can replace it with other things, but it will never be the same. I will always bear the scar of him. It might fade, but it will always be there.
That night was the worst night of my life. To him it was probably just a Friday.
I can't even begin to describe how painful that is.
And now, after all these years, I'm going to see a picture of him and identify him and start the process of taking him to trial. His face has been a thing of nightmares for so long, his face has only existed in my mind; and now I'm going to see a picture of him. A real picture - not a nightmare. And that is terrifying. It's the right thing to do, it's what I want to do. But it's painful and terrifying as well. I'm also terrified I won't recognise him... what if he's changed - what if he's put on 50 pounds, or has a beard or...
Now I just need to wait to hear back from the police and decide on a date to go to London and identify him.
In the meantime, I'm meant to continue with my life as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened, when it feels like my whole world has - yet again - been turned upside down.
Me
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