What I've been doing

I haven't updated for quite a while, sorry about that.  I've just been trying to digest everything and wrap my head around the fact that he is going to jail.

Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened.  Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that.  Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail.  It's fantastic.  But I still have depression.  I still have PTSD.  I still have insomnia.  I still have anxiety.  Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.

I am getting there, but it's a long process.  I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago.  And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still.  One step at a time; one day at a time.

The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now?  For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown.  Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given.  It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?

Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement.  This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim.  I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well.  Peace of cake.  Except, it wasn't a piece of cake.  It was pretty difficult.

Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft.  That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started.  So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!).  However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.

I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank.  How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph?  That's a hell of a task.  The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank.  Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming.  Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.

What else have I been doing?  I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker.  I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it.  I enjoyed the act of smoking.  I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking.  But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life.  I don't want to keep hurting my body.  So, I stopped.  I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower.  A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking.  And she's right.

I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun.  It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.

And I've been grieving.  My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly.  Now I am.  I miss her terribly.  I talk to her.  I cry.  I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us.  I still can't believe that I will never see her again.  I will never hear her laugh.  We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate).  I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating.  It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal.  I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter.  Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife.  My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.

So I'm struggling with that.  And I'm trying to process everything.  This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail.  I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying.  How am I meant to deal with that?

I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail.  But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend.  I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it.  But I just miss her so much.

Today

Today is my best friend's birthday.  She would be 26.  Today should be a day of celebration.  Today is a day of mourning, of remembering the beautiful person that she was.

She was my best friend, and I often wonder what I'd done so right in my life to have such an amazing best friend as her.  She had a wicked sense of humour and a mischievous twinkle in her eye.  I have so many memories of us together, laughing.  She would come out with the most hilarious expressions that would have everyone in stitches.

She was extremely smart and knew what she wanted.  Once she was convinced of something, there was no changing her mind.  She could be very stubborn.  We would often have heated debates, sometimes over a glass of wine, sometimes in the middle of a coffee shop.

No matter what she was going through, she was always there for her family and friends.

Every day without her is difficult.  She was an amazing person and I'm so incredibly thankful to have had her in my life.  I can't even begin to describe how painful and difficult life without her is.  Every day without her is painful, it's a pain that runs deep and won't ever go away, it's a pain that tears at your very being. 

The world has lost it's colour, the world is a darker place without her in it.

I know that the best way to honour her is to live my life, because she was so full of life and was determined to make the most of hers.  Which she did - she truly made the most of her life, and she inspired so many people, she really was an angel on earth.  But honouring her does not make the pain go away or any more bearable.

Today I bought a birthday card & some flowers, and put them in my church.  Today, like every day, I talked to my best friend.  Today I wished her a happy birthday.

I would give anything to talk to her, to hear her laugh, to hug her just one more time.  But I can't, because Heaven has gained an angel.

Today is my best friend's birthday.

Happy Birthday Tinkerbell.

Court house

Yesterday I went to the Crown Court.  I was met by my police liason officer and a woman from victim support.  They showed me around, told me what to expect, and answered my questions.

I've seen the court room - not what I expected it to look like at all.  I blame it on watching too much television.  I sat in the witness chair, which faces the jurors.  When I give my evidence, there will be a screen around me, so that the only people I will be able to see are the jurors, the lawyers, the judge and the note-takers.  I won't see him, or any members in the gallery.

At first I didn't want a screen.  But if I break down - and there's a strong chance I will - then I didn't want him to see me cry.   So I chose a screen.  Steps have also been made so that I don't run in to him in the court house.  I will enter the building through a side entrence and be taken to a waiting room, where my police liason officer will be.  This waiting room is for witnesses and victims, through doors that you can only enter if you have the code.  When I give my evidence, I will be the first one led in and the last one out - so I will not have to lay eyes on him.

I've asked my parents not to sit there whilst I give evidence.  I don't think I would be able to speak about it if I knew that they were sitting there, listening.  It would make me uncomfortable.  It's not something a parent should ever have to hear.  I need to be able to give my evidence without worrying about how it's affecting someone else.  In this instance, I need to be selfish.  I can't worry about them - I need to worry about getting through the defence's questioning.  My parents have been extremely understanding - I know they want to be there to support me, and I know it will be hard on them, but they've agreed.

I won't be alone though, even though I won't be able to see her, as I will be behind a screen, my Aunt will be there.  And I know someone else will be as well, looking down on me from above.

In all honesty, I haven't given the trial much thought at all.  I've had other things on my mind, as I mentioned in my previous post.  As the time gets closer, it will probably weigh on my mind more,  but right now, I am heartbroken and trying to cope with the death of a much loved one.  I miss her, and the pain of losing her hasn't decreased even slightly.  It makes anything and everything else pale in comparison.

Grief

I haven't written in here for a while. I haven't had the energy. I still don't. Someone extremely close to me passed away last month. I haven't been able to think about what's happening with the trial.

I'm going down to London this month to have a look at where the trial will be held. My Mum is coming with me. My liason officer suggested it would be a good idea, so that I don't feel overwhelmed when I'm on the stand in a strange place. He is going to talk me through the procedure.

I've been having quite a few nightmares.

It looks like I won't be going back to university. The uni have said that since the trial will be in November, I won't be able to focus on uni work. Which is fair enough. At first I was dissapointed - I'm desperate to graduate. But the more I think about it, the more I'm glad about it.

These past few months have been a blur. I feel numb. Apart from my nightmares, I haven't given the court case (and all the things that go with it) a second thought.

This entry isn't very long, I just don't have the energy to go in depth. I thought being sexually abused for 5 years and raped was the worst thing that could happen to me. Turns out I was wrong.