I haven’t had the time to write anything for a few days –
have been so busy. The day after we got
back home, Friday, I spent most of the day decorating and sorting out food and
various other things. On Saturday I had
a hair appointment and in the evening it was my murder mystery party.
I had such a great night.
Loved every minute of it. For
those few hours I completely forgot about the court case and instead I
thoroughly enjoyed my party. There was
laughter, outrage at being murdered, intrigue, blackmail… I had so much
fun. I hope everyone else did as well.
Today is my actual birthday.
Can’t believe I’m 25… It’s a slightly muted affair today. I opened all the cards and presents,
absolutely love everything I was given.
I have very generous friends and family!!
I’m not really celebrating today though. The trial is continuing. There was some sort of administrative error
on Friday which meant that they couldn't continue with the case until
today. I’m worried. I’m wondering what’s happening. It’s put a slight damper on my birthday, to
say the least.
I keep thinking about things I said, things I wish I had
said and things I wish I hadn't said. I
know there’s no point thinking ‘what if I had said this’ etc. But still…
Can’t help running over everything in my mind. I think that until a verdict is reached, I
will be constantly on edge and second guessing myself.
Over the past few days I've also realised just how much work
I still need to do. I’m pretty
damaged. I’m not broken, I've glued
myself back together, but the cracks are still there. One day the cracks will be very faded scars,
but for now, I have a lot of work to do.
On the night of my party it hit me just how much work I
really need to do. 7 of my friend stayed
the night, 3 of which were guys. I know
these men, they’re my friends. But I
still couldn't sleep. All I kept
thinking was ‘there are 3 guys in the house’.
These 3 guys are great, they are such lovely people. They’re friends. But he was
my friend as well, or at least, I thought he was my friend. I know now that he was just a pedophile pretending to be my friend, grooming and molding me.
But… I really did think of him as my friend. And he raped me. And I’m furious with him. Because not only did he ruin my childhood,
but he has completely destroyed my trust.
I find it incredibly difficult to trust anyone, but men in
particular. Apart from my Dad, there is
only one man that I can think of that I would trust with my life, and that’s
one of my oldest friends, D.
And I hate him for it.
These guys that stayed over are great guys – for crying out loud, most
of them were staying over with their girlfriends! But I just could not sleep. All I kept thinking was ‘there are 3 guys
staying the night in my house, I am not safe’.
It’s absolutely ridiculous. I
ended up staying awake until 5am, until I was too exhausted to stay awake any
longer.
I wouldn't have had it any other way though – I am glad that
these guys stayed over. The 8 of us had
one hell of an after-party which was just awesome. I just wish I could trust more easily and I
wish the friendship of men didn't make me feel afraid.
I guess that’s something to work on with my
psychologist. And have no doubt - I will work on it, and I will fix myself. In the meantime, I'm not going to let my past dictate my future, nor will I let my past dictate who I am friends with. I'm young and I deserve to have fun, dammit!
