Today

Today is my best friend's birthday.  She would be 26.  Today should be a day of celebration.  Today is a day of mourning, of remembering the beautiful person that she was.

She was my best friend, and I often wonder what I'd done so right in my life to have such an amazing best friend as her.  She had a wicked sense of humour and a mischievous twinkle in her eye.  I have so many memories of us together, laughing.  She would come out with the most hilarious expressions that would have everyone in stitches.

She was extremely smart and knew what she wanted.  Once she was convinced of something, there was no changing her mind.  She could be very stubborn.  We would often have heated debates, sometimes over a glass of wine, sometimes in the middle of a coffee shop.

No matter what she was going through, she was always there for her family and friends.

Every day without her is difficult.  She was an amazing person and I'm so incredibly thankful to have had her in my life.  I can't even begin to describe how painful and difficult life without her is.  Every day without her is painful, it's a pain that runs deep and won't ever go away, it's a pain that tears at your very being. 

The world has lost it's colour, the world is a darker place without her in it.

I know that the best way to honour her is to live my life, because she was so full of life and was determined to make the most of hers.  Which she did - she truly made the most of her life, and she inspired so many people, she really was an angel on earth.  But honouring her does not make the pain go away or any more bearable.

Today I bought a birthday card & some flowers, and put them in my church.  Today, like every day, I talked to my best friend.  Today I wished her a happy birthday.

I would give anything to talk to her, to hear her laugh, to hug her just one more time.  But I can't, because Heaven has gained an angel.

Today is my best friend's birthday.

Happy Birthday Tinkerbell.

Grief

I haven't written in here for a while. I haven't had the energy. I still don't. Someone extremely close to me passed away last month. I haven't been able to think about what's happening with the trial.

I'm going down to London this month to have a look at where the trial will be held. My Mum is coming with me. My liason officer suggested it would be a good idea, so that I don't feel overwhelmed when I'm on the stand in a strange place. He is going to talk me through the procedure.

I've been having quite a few nightmares.

It looks like I won't be going back to university. The uni have said that since the trial will be in November, I won't be able to focus on uni work. Which is fair enough. At first I was dissapointed - I'm desperate to graduate. But the more I think about it, the more I'm glad about it.

These past few months have been a blur. I feel numb. Apart from my nightmares, I haven't given the court case (and all the things that go with it) a second thought.

This entry isn't very long, I just don't have the energy to go in depth. I thought being sexually abused for 5 years and raped was the worst thing that could happen to me. Turns out I was wrong.