One Billion Rising

It's been almost a month since I last wrote in here.  Not because I didn't have anything to say, but just because I wanted to take a break for a bit.  For the past two years my life has revolved about being either a rape victim or a rape survivor, and writing about it.  For the past month, I've just wanted to be me - I wanted to feel the emotions, and not have to describe and explain them.  I just wanted to 'be' for a while.

So, I've taken the break, and now I'm back.  What have I been doing?  I'm currently training to become a First Aider with St John's Ambulance.  The course is fantastic and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.  However, it's not easy going.  I still struggle with depression and insomnia, which means that getting up early to go to the classes isn't easy.  In fact, it's left me very drained and exhausted, and I've had to reschedule the exam.  I'm not giving up though - baby steps.

I know most people reading this will think I'm being a drama queen; 'you struggle with getting up in the morning?  Join the club.  You're just lazy'.

This is not the case.  I have insomnia, which means I struggle to get to sleep.  An average night for me looks like this: I go to bed at 9pm.  I falls asleep, and then wake up at 10.pm.  I lie in bed, tossing and turning.  I fall asleep at 3am.  I wake up at 4am.  I fall asleep at 4.30am.  I wake up at 5.30am.  I fall asleep at 6.30am.  My alarm goes off at 7am.

I've quit smoking for over 2 months.  I've been spending a lot of time with my friends.  And I've been involved with One Billion Rising.

One Billion Rising is happening tomorrow all over the world.  Why 'One Billion Rising?'.  Because it's estimated that One Billion women will be either raped or abused in their lifetime.   This is unacceptable.  So, all over the world, women and men are coming together in protest.  There will be dancing, there will be speeches, and hopefully there will be change.

If you're interested in attending one near you, why not click on THIS LINK.

Some of the banners we made for the rising tomorrow

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.  I hope there will be a good turnout - a hell of a lot of planning and organising has gone in to it (my part in it has been tiny).  It is a cause that is very close to my heart - it is time we stopped living in a society where women are STILL considered second class citizens.

So come on people, find where there will be a rising tomorrow, and join!  But most importantly - have fun whilst rising!

What I've been doing

I haven't updated for quite a while, sorry about that.  I've just been trying to digest everything and wrap my head around the fact that he is going to jail.

Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened.  Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that.  Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail.  It's fantastic.  But I still have depression.  I still have PTSD.  I still have insomnia.  I still have anxiety.  Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.

I am getting there, but it's a long process.  I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago.  And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still.  One step at a time; one day at a time.

The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now?  For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown.  Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given.  It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?

Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement.  This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim.  I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well.  Peace of cake.  Except, it wasn't a piece of cake.  It was pretty difficult.

Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft.  That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started.  So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!).  However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.

I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank.  How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph?  That's a hell of a task.  The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank.  Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming.  Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.

What else have I been doing?  I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker.  I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it.  I enjoyed the act of smoking.  I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking.  But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life.  I don't want to keep hurting my body.  So, I stopped.  I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower.  A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking.  And she's right.

I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun.  It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.

And I've been grieving.  My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly.  Now I am.  I miss her terribly.  I talk to her.  I cry.  I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us.  I still can't believe that I will never see her again.  I will never hear her laugh.  We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate).  I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating.  It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal.  I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter.  Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife.  My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.

So I'm struggling with that.  And I'm trying to process everything.  This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail.  I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying.  How am I meant to deal with that?

I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail.  But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend.  I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it.  But I just miss her so much.

Planning

I still can't believe it.  He's been found guilty.  I had convinced myself that they would find him not guilty, that I wouldn't be believed.  I know that my case is a minority - so many rapists aren't even taken to court, and few of those that are are found guilty.  Then again, mine wasn't a rape case, it was a child abuse case.

He will never be convicted of raping me.  The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point.  It's not the fault of the police.  It's the system.  But... I'm okay with that.  He has been found guilty.  So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that.  So I am extremely thankful.

And happy.  I am so, so SO happy.  It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer).  His bail has been revoked.  He is in jail.  He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me.  Never again.

I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had.  My stomach does not like alcohol.  And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration.  So I'm pretty tired today.  But guess what?  HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on cloud nine.  I feel like I've won the lottery.  I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro.  I feel happy.

It's not over yet though.  Not by a long shot.  Yes, the trial is over.  That part of my life is done.  His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.

But that's not what I'm referring to.  Yes, the trial is over.  But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape.  Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression.  It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore.  It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.

I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me.  But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.

Guilty motherfucker!  Yes!!!!

So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed.  But I'm getting there.  As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life.  Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.

And that feels good.  So, so good.

So yes, I am moving on with my life.  It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world.  I have no weight bearing down on me anymore.  I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track.  And that feels amazing.

So, what are my life changing plans?  Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself.  I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc.  But that's not all.  I'm quitting smoking.

I've always said that after the trial I will quit.  Well, the trial has finished.  So I guess I better quit.  I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc).  One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?

Yes, I probably will want to smoke.  Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.  But there will always be stressful situations.  So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks.  That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit).  I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.

So.  I'm quitting smoking.  I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again.  I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened.  I enjoyed doing things.  But over the past years, I've not done anything.  I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself.  Well, no more!

My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them!  I used to love riding horses as a child.  I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider.  But I haven't ridden since I was about 12.  I used to love it.  So I'm going to start again.

There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do.  Such as lessons in statistics.  I hate statistics.  I'm crap at it.  That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough.  So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons.  Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!

Let's see... what else have I been putting off?  Getting my first aid certificate.  I used to be a qualified first aider.  But I let that slide.  I want it back.  And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.

Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much.  For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle.  So I don't want to take on too much, too fast.  The first step is to quit smoking.  Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame).  I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.

So.  That's my plan.  December - quit smoking.  January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again.  February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans.  March - First Aid training.  April/May - statistics lessons.  Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays.  I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all.  But to me, all of this is huge.  It's a lot.  I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life.  It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with.  But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!

I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it.   I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on the [long] road to recovery.  I am starting to live my life.  And I feel GREAT.

Testifying again

1:10am – Please brain, please let me go to sleep.  It’s actually hurting my eyes to have them open to type this, but I just can’t get to sleep.  I’m so, so tired.  Why can’t I sleep?  I need to be on top form for tomorrow.  I need to be at my best, because I’m going to be hit with the defense’s full strength.  I need to be well rested so that I’m capable of defending myself from the defense.  This is awful.  Please brain, let me sleep.

1:40am – Still can’t sleep.  I’m tossing and turning.  I’m trying to empty my mind, to steady my breathing.  I’m using all the tricks in the book to help me sleep and nothing is working.  I've given up for now.  I’ll try again in a little while.

I forgot to mention before, what with everything else that’s going on – but the defense doesn't have the link to my blog.  Thank God for small mercies.  It turns out that my parents gave the link to the police (which I knew about, after they had given it) and the police told the defense that I had a blog.  I thought that meant that they had given them the link, but they haven’t.  All that they’re required to do by law is to let the defense know if its existence, they don’t have to let them know of the location.  So that’s good.

My family and friends are also being amazing.  I’m getting so many texts, emails and messages on Facebook wishing me luck, and telling me that they’re praying of me/thinking of me/sending me positive vibes.  The support is overwhelming.  I have some pretty amazing people in my life, which I am extremely grateful for.

I wonder what he’s doing right now?  Is he managing to get any sleep?  Is he as worried as I am?  Or is he confident that he’s going to get away with it, because people like him always get away with it?

I know that no matter what happens, I've done all that I can.  But that’s only a small comfort.  To be honest, it’s not very comforting at all.

Things keep going round and round in my head.  I keep thinking about what the defense said, and how frustrating it is that I’m not allowed to tell the whole story.  I hate the fact that the law is bending over backwards to accommodate him, whereas it is bitch-slapping me in the face.  I now understand when people say that it’s like being raped all over again.  Because that’s exactly what it feels like.

All I can do is stay calm, to not rise to the bait.  When she is bombarding me with things like ‘I think that’s not what happened, I think this happened, I think that happened, I think you’re mis-remembering etc.’, all I can do is to keep repeating ‘no’, over and over again.

Isn't it true that you only met when you were 16?

No.

Isn't it true, in fact, that you never met?

No.

Isn't it true that there was no mention of anything sexual?

No.

I think you’re misremembering.

No.

I think you’re over exaggerating.

No.

I think you like to tell stories and make things up.

No.

On and on and on it goes.  On the bright side, however, is the fact that I’m not stupid.  Okay, I’m not exactly a genius, but I’m not dumb either.  So when she asked me why, when I was in my early teens, I searched for something along the lines of ‘rape support, rape laws, falsely accused rape, incest, pedophilia’ etc etc.  I told her the truth.

I was doing a presentation for school.

As a young teenager you chose the topic of pedophilia?  Doesn't this, in fact, mean that you knew what was happening to you, that you would have told someone when you realised it related to you?  That, in fact, you’re making the whole thing up and none of this ever happened, but that you like the attention?

We all had to choose a topic that would have a big impact – some of my friends chose domestic violence, testing on animals for cosmetic reasons, famous serial killers and so forth.  I wanted mine to have an impact as well so I chose that subject, as not long ago the famous pedophile Marc Dutroux had escaped from prison and was always on the news, that’s what gave me the idea for my presentation and I never associated it with me, because I thought that he was my friend, I trusted him.

I don’t think she was expecting my answer to be so coherent.  But, like I said, I was telling the truth.  I swore on the Bible to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

Yes, looking back now I can see that he was grooming me, that he was using me for his perverted sexual pleasure.  But at the time I didn't realise this.  I thought I had made a cool older friend.  I was being bullied at school, I was fat, I was shy.  Then here’s this cool older guy that says I’m pretty, that I’m perfect as I am, that I am funny and sexy.  He listens to my dumb, childish problems.  He treated me like an adult, he listened to me.  And when he asked me if I’d ever kissed or touched anyone, I thought he was just interested in me.

Now, as an adult looking back, I can see all the obvious warning signs.  I can see exactly what was happening.  At the time I thought I’d made a new friend, and I didn't want to disappoint him by being childish in case he stopped being my friend, so I did what he wanted.

But at the time I didn't know what was happening, I couldn't see it.  I was a child.  I know it wasn't my fault.  But the defense keeps pushing and pushing at me, blaming me, calling me a liar, that I’m doing this for the money, that I’m living in a fantasy world, that I've got the wrong guy and so on.

It’s draining.  So draining.

And that was only round 1.  Round 2 is tomorrow (or rather, today).  And I’m dreading it.

Why am I being punished for being abused?   I hate this so much.

2:40am – Sorry about my last entry, I know I rambled quite a bit.  I’m just so unbelievably tired and can’t think straight.  I’m leaving it in, because I think it’s a pretty accurate representation of where my head is at the minute.

I desperately need sleep.  Why can’t I bloody well get to sleep?  I’m about to cry tears of utter frustration.

1:30pm – I eventually managed to get to sleep sometime between 3-4am.  I did not want to get up this morning.  Am exhausted.

We arrived in court just before 10am.  There was another woman in the witness lounge and we got talking, she was telling me about her case (not going to go in to details, but she was here for a domestic violence case as the victim).  Talking to her helped me quite a bit, I forgot why I was here for a while, and was just listening to her.

Then at just after 11am I was called through to the witness box.  I was reminded that I’m still under oath.  Then the prosecution (the good guys) questioned me.  So many questions.  Entries from my diary were read out – my Lord, I was such a melodramatic child!  It was quite hard to read it, especially in front of everyone.  I wrote a lot of crap about my parents, saying I hated them,  I wrote about my self-harm and bulimia, I wrote about silly childhood crushes etc.  It was embarrassing having my life dissected.   The validity of my diary was questioned etc.

Then questions about the internet history were asked, about all the porn sites he sent me.  I told the truth, that I can’t remember the names of them so couldn't confirm for definite, but that if you looked at the times of them it was around the time that I was on the computer etc.

Then she asked me why I only went to the police as a young adult, and not as a child.  I again told the truth.  That I didn't tell anyone, that it took me years to tell my psychologist and then it was only with her help and support that I was able to tell my parents, months afterwards.

Now the court has broken up for lunch.  I was being questioned for almost 3 hours.  And that was only the prosecution.  At 2pm I have to go back to be interrogated by the defense.  I’m terrified.

When I was brought back to the witness area, I was shaking so much I couldn't even hold and drink my cup of coffee for fear of spilling it.  I've had two cigarettes and I’m about to have another.  I cried and hugged my Mum.

I also prayed.  The chapel wasn't open, but there’s an empty room that I was allowed to use, and I prayed.  I cried a bit.  I asked for strength.

I feel a lot calmer now.  I’m still shaking a bit and I’m still terrified, but I feel calmer.  I trust in God, He gives me strength.

Oh man, I’m absolutely terrified to be interrogated by the defense again, to be called a liar, a money-grabber etc etc.  I want this to be over.

10:00pm – I’m at home now.  Ended up being questioned by the defense for 45 minutes.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not – 45 minutes.  It was still pretty awful.  She kept phrasing things in a way that made me look awful.

She also asked the question about why it took so long for me to report, especially as there could be other victims.  And that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life – knowing that, because of me, he could have hurt someone else.  Because I was too weak to come forward.  Yes, he would be ultimately to blame, but I could have stopped him.  Potentially, someone’s ruined childhood is on my hands.  And I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  It haunts me.

She asked so many other questions, made out the diary was fake, that I had just written it, that I had only mentioned him a few times and he was just a friend etc.  I only mentioned him a few times because at the time I was terrified that my Mum would find my diary and read it and find out about him.

It was awful.  She hadn't quite finished her questioning, but the T-loop system broke, so I couldn't hear a thing.  I was dismissed. 

I came out of the courtroom and found my parents.  I broke down crying.

My police liaison officer has just been amazing throughout all of this.  She is absolutely fantastic.  So is the kick-ass detective.  Couldn't ask for better.  They’re both absolute stars.

I’m home.  The drive back was long, and I couldn't sleep.  Was too agitated, so I kept my parents company while one drove and the other had a nap, and I am now home.  I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.

I just want this nightmare to be over.  I’m drained – emotionally and physically.  Exhausted.  Depleted.  I just want this to be over.

The first day

9.40am - I hardly got any sleep last night.  I also threw up in the early hours of the morning.  Think it’s my nerves getting to me.  I’m absolutely dreading today.  I can’t believe it’s happening, that today is the first day of the trial, and I’m testifying.

It doesn't seem real.  After all this time, it’s finally happening.  And I’m terrified.  What if the jury hates me?  What if they don’t believe me?  What will the defense ask?

I know that the defense is just doing her job, that I shouldn't take anything personal.  But I also know that it will be personal – she is going to try and get the jury to not believe me.  She is going to make out that as a 12 year old I came on to a 33 year old man.  She will do anything in her power to make me look bad.  And I’m terrified.

Part of me wonders how she can represent him.  But the other part of me knows that that isn't fair.  She is only doing her job.  But in my eyes, she is protecting the man that ruined my childhood.  She is protecting the man that abused me for years.  She is protecting my abuser by making it look like it was my fault.  I know it’s her job and I’m not being fair on her.  But still… that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I just need to remember that I’m not alone.  I have my family, I have my friends, I have the prosecution.  I have a lot of support.  I am not facing this alone. 

Except, in court, I will be alone and she will do everything in her power to break me.  And I’m absolutely terrified.

11am – I've arrived at the court house.  After being searched to make sure that I have no weapons on me, I was directed to the witness area.  I’m currently sitting in the lounge.  It’s quite a nice room really.  It was obviously designed with the help of a psychologist – the walls are a very pale, calm yellow and the pictures that are dotted around the room are of serene scenery.  It’s all designed for a calming effect.

I feel anything but calm right now.

I've bought a book with me, but I’m reading the same passage over and over again, with nothing going in.  My stomach is in knots.  I couldn't eat this morning.  I feel sick.

There’s a TV in this room with some DVDs.  I might try and watch something – again, all the DVDs are either comedies or chick-flicks, which I suppose is to calm you down.  No point watching an action movie and getting the adrenalin running – think I might overdose on adrenalin that way!

11:50am – I've met my lawyer, or rather, barrister, E.  She seems really nice.  Obviously we couldn't go in to detail and she couldn't tell me what she was going to ask me in court etc., but she just said that it’s okay to be nervous.  We talked a bit about my hearing and she asked if there was anything that needed to be done.  I told her the T-loop in court needed to be switched on and that when either she or the defense are asking me questions they need to face me so that I can lip-read.

She seems nice and good at her job.

I've been given my statement to read over.  It’s awful.  They suggested that I read it about four times.  It’s not nice.  Just reading over and over again what I said at my interview.  It makes me feel like a victim.  They are the words of a victim, of a scared child.  It’s pretty difficult to read.

12:30pm – time is moving so slow.  I've been told that I’ll probably give my testimony at about 2pm.  Another hour and a half to wait, possibly longer, possibly shorter.   It’s the waiting that is awful.  I’m here now, I’m ready to testify, I want it out of the way.   The waiting is horrible.  I’m getting more and more anxious as time progresses.

I went outside for a smoke before.  I’m not allowed to go out alone (I guess they’re afraid of witness tampering or something).  If it was up to me, I’d be chain smoking this entire time.  I want to sit outside on the steps with the breeze in my hair, listening to the birds and smoking a cigarette.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that, unless someone is with me.  Which sucks.  There should be a smoking room or area for witnesses to go.

God, I hate this waiting.

1:10pm – I've just had some lunch.  I wasn't hungry, but I forced myself to eat.  I don’t want my stomach rumbling when I’m on the stand.  Had to find someone to come outside with me while I had another smoke.

The court has broken up for lunch.  The opening statements have been made (I assume).  In 50 minutes the court will start again and I will be called in.  I don’t think I've ever been so scared.  Well, I have.  Let me rephrase that.  Since the rape (which I’m not allowed to mention in court), I haven’t been this scared and nervous.  I am petrified, and extremely glad I chose to have a curtain around me while I’m questioned.  I’m in a right state right now, and the last thing I want is to see him and for him to see me like this.

1:40pm – Not long to go now.  Oh man.  Oh man.  Oh man.  I’m so nervous.  I’m going to ask if I can go in to the chapel about 5 minutes before I need to be in court.  I know there is nothing I can do but put my trust in God.  I think spending some time in the chapel will help to calm me, to center myself.

2:40pm – Turns out the jury hasn't been sworn in yet, all this time it’s been the two lawyers having verbal arguments to decide which evidence is allowed in and which isn't.  Some questions were raised, and I've had to give another statement to clarify some things.  He used to send me links to porn sites, most of them featured kids.  Bear in mind that that alone is classed as child abuse – directing a child of 12/13/14 to porn sites.  The thing they needed to clarify was which of these adult sites he directed me to, and which of them were visited by my parents…  So yes, that was a bit awkward!

Then I was told that the lawyers need to finish their argument, and then the jury will be sworn in and the opening statements will be given and only then will I be called to the stand.  I've been told that the chances of me being called today are very slim, and that I will probably be called tomorrow instead.

This waiting is absolutely exhausting.  I’m tired.  I’m fed up.  I want this to be over.

I’m annoyed as well.  Not at any particular person – I know it’s no one’s fault.  But I've been sitting here all day, getting more and more anxious, worried about being cross-examined etc., and it turns out I probably won’t even testify today.  It’s so frustrating.

I tell you, the judicial system is absolutely crazy.

4:30pm – I’m now back in my hotel room.  I didn't end up testifying today, that will happen tomorrow.  I just want it to be over.  I’m tired.  I want to go home to my bed.  I want to sleep for a week.  This morning I woke up terrified.  Throughout the day I was getting more and more anxious.  Now I’m ready.  I want it over.

7:10pm – Even though I didn't testify today, I’m exhausted.  Completely worn out, I can barely think.  Today has shaken me more than I realised.  I started panicking while I was outside smoking, wondering if he is nearby.  We were in the same building today.  The same building.  That’s a pretty scary realisation.  The man that abused me, ruined my childhood, was in the same building as me.  So right now, even though I know the chances of him being in this hotel are virtually nothing, I’m still freaked out.  I’m seeing him everywhere I go.  My mind playing tricks on me.  I’m constantly on edge.

Sometimes

I have good days and bad days. A lot of the time, the reason why I'm having a bad day is because of him and what he did to me. I find myself lost in memories, overcome by anger etc. However, sometimes; a bad day is just a bad day. Not everything in my life is linked to him. Sometimes I can't sleep and I have no idea why. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood and it has nothing whatsoever to do with him.

My parents are just discovering this. Lately, a lot of times when I have been feeling down it has been because of him. My parents know that. They see my pain and it hurts them. So when I was in a bad mood the other day, they asked me why, they asked me to talk to them. I told them I didn't know why, that I was just in a bad mood, that I was tired etc. They, of course, didn't believe me. They sat me down for a chat and told me I could tell them anything. I told them that I know (I lucked out with my parents, they're pretty awesome), but that I was just tired and there was nothing more to it than that.

Which of course, they didn't believe.

Sometimes, a bad mood (or a bad day, or being tired), is just a bad mood.

Now, moving on. I've started smoking again. I had quit for over 3 months. Then I started again a few weeks ago. I was feeling down and stressed (and this time it was because of him), and I went out and bought a packet of cigarettes. It felt so good.

I don't want to be a smoker all my life. But at the minute there is so much uncertainty in my life - will this or won't this go to trial, will he get away with what he did, will he stop haunting my dreams etc. Smoking is a coping mechanism. Probably not a great coping mechanism, but it's better than self-harming, or making myself sick, or starving myself. All of which I used to do. It seemed like the lesser of the evils.

Me