One Billion Rising

It's been almost a month since I last wrote in here.  Not because I didn't have anything to say, but just because I wanted to take a break for a bit.  For the past two years my life has revolved about being either a rape victim or a rape survivor, and writing about it.  For the past month, I've just wanted to be me - I wanted to feel the emotions, and not have to describe and explain them.  I just wanted to 'be' for a while.

So, I've taken the break, and now I'm back.  What have I been doing?  I'm currently training to become a First Aider with St John's Ambulance.  The course is fantastic and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.  However, it's not easy going.  I still struggle with depression and insomnia, which means that getting up early to go to the classes isn't easy.  In fact, it's left me very drained and exhausted, and I've had to reschedule the exam.  I'm not giving up though - baby steps.

I know most people reading this will think I'm being a drama queen; 'you struggle with getting up in the morning?  Join the club.  You're just lazy'.

This is not the case.  I have insomnia, which means I struggle to get to sleep.  An average night for me looks like this: I go to bed at 9pm.  I falls asleep, and then wake up at 10.pm.  I lie in bed, tossing and turning.  I fall asleep at 3am.  I wake up at 4am.  I fall asleep at 4.30am.  I wake up at 5.30am.  I fall asleep at 6.30am.  My alarm goes off at 7am.

I've quit smoking for over 2 months.  I've been spending a lot of time with my friends.  And I've been involved with One Billion Rising.

One Billion Rising is happening tomorrow all over the world.  Why 'One Billion Rising?'.  Because it's estimated that One Billion women will be either raped or abused in their lifetime.   This is unacceptable.  So, all over the world, women and men are coming together in protest.  There will be dancing, there will be speeches, and hopefully there will be change.

If you're interested in attending one near you, why not click on THIS LINK.

Some of the banners we made for the rising tomorrow

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.  I hope there will be a good turnout - a hell of a lot of planning and organising has gone in to it (my part in it has been tiny).  It is a cause that is very close to my heart - it is time we stopped living in a society where women are STILL considered second class citizens.

So come on people, find where there will be a rising tomorrow, and join!  But most importantly - have fun whilst rising!

Rape Jokes

Not so long ago, a friend of mine, Elin Box, wrote an article (link can be found at the end of this blog) about rape jokes.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while.  Unsurprisingly, I have a lot to say about this topic.  (Note: I’m talking about rape jokes that are offensive to rape victims, not rape jokes that highlight what’s wrong with our attitude towards rape.)  But first, let me tell you about an experience I had with rape jokes as a fresher at university.

I was sitting with a group of people – as it was the first term, we were all just starting to get to know each other.  Most of those people have turned out to be really great friends, but at the time we were pretty much strangers to each other.  One of the guys started to make rape jokes.  Everyone laughed, or rolled their eyes.  I was extremely uncomfortable.  At this point, I had only told one person at university that I had been raped.  Rape joke after rape joke was told.  Even though they had no idea that I had been raped, I felt humiliated.  Being sexually abused and rape was a huge trauma, one that I’m still recovering from.  It was painful, it was humiliating, it was terrifying.  And here someone was, making jokes about rape and rape victims; about me.  Luckily, the friend that I had told saw my discomfort and told the joker to stop, which he did.

A lot of people don’t see what the big deal is about rape jokes.  It’s all just for fun, after all, they would never actually rape someone.  But it is a big deal.  It undermines the seriousness of rape – and in a society where we often blame the woman for being raped (unless she’s a virgin that dresses like a nun), rape really doesn’t need to be undermined any further.

How do we blame the women, you ask?  If a woman was wearing revealing clothes, she was obviously asking for it.  If a woman accepted a drink from a man, she was obviously asking for it.  If a woman walked home alone at night, she was obviously asking for it.  We live in a country that is great at victim blaming, which results in 83% of women not to report their rape to the police.  And even when they do go to the police, they run the risk of not being believed, or are made to believe that it was somehow their fault.  A man (often stronger than they are) overpowers you, you fear for your life, his penis is forced inside you, yet somehow it is still your fault.  Because we all know that ‘no’ actually means ‘yes’.

(Just on a side note – to all those people that say a woman dressing provocatively was asking for it.  She may have been looking for sex, but is it still not up to her to choose WHO she has sex with?)

So, back to rape jokes.  Most people say they would never tell a rape joke to a rape victim as that would be in bad taste.  I ask you – how do you know if someone has been raped or not?  1 in 10 women have been raped or sexually abused in the UK (the actual number is probably higher, as many women do not admit to being raped).  So if you’re telling a rape joke, chances are a rape victim is within earshot.   This will probably make her (or him) feel humiliated, as it did with me.  One of the most traumatic events (if not THE most traumatic event) of her life, being openly belittled, made fun of and joked about as if it’s not a big deal, as if it didn’t almost destroy her.

There’s also another angle that most people don’t consider.  What do rape jokes say to rapists?  That really, it’s no big deal.  I know most men wouldn’t rape anyone – but not all men.  Some men would rape and have raped.  Hearing rape jokes might give them the impression that what they did really isn’t such a big deal.  It’s just fodder for jokes.  No biggie.  Sure, it’s a crime, but it’s not really a big deal – especially since my mates down the pub make fun of rape victims, so they think the same way that I do; rape isn’t a big deal.  As someone pointed out (sorry, can’t remember the actual source) ‘women are always the butt of the jokes, never the perpetrator’.  What does it say about our society that we would rather make rape victims feel uncomfortable than the rapist, that we would rather side with rapist in mocking and degrading women, than respecting women?

Some people will still have a problem with me having a problem with rape jokes.  First, ask yourselves whether you're laughing at a joke, or at the idea of rape.  Why is it so important for you to make jokes about the degradation of women?  Why is it absolutely necessary for you to mock a painful & traumatic event?  Freedom of speech?  Or the need to justify the feelings that you have deep down – that women are beneath men and deserve having a penis forced in to them?

Right at the beginning of this entry, I said how some rape jokes are okay.  I know some people may be confused about this.  An example of a rape joke that I personally think highlights society’s view of rape:

• We need more rape jokes.  We really do.  Needless to say, rape, the most heinous crime imaginable, is a comic's dream.  It's because, it seems, when you do rape jokes, that the material is so dangerous and edgy.  The truth is, it's the safest area to talk about in comedy because who's gonna complain about a rape joke?  Rape victims?  They don't even report rape. - Sarah Silverman

Some rape victims and sexual abuse survivors also make rape jokes.  To them, it can be cathartic.  I have been known to use humour when talking about my rape.  For instance, I was talking with my cousin who said he didn’t really know how to talk to me about the rape.  I laughed and said “you can just imagine this in a sitcom couldn’t you?  Two people sitting on a couch in uncomfortable silence until one of them finally, awkwardly says, “so…. You were raped…”

Admittedly, it’s not very funny, but humour can help to put people – myself included – at ease.  There can be great power in some rape jokes, as Elissa Bassist said; “Rape jokes can be empowering.  They could help you reclaim control when you’ve lost something you’ll never get back, or has been damaged beyond repair.” 

And a few example of rape which I think make fun of the seriousness of rape and/or make fun of the rape victim (I would like to ask you to picture yourself telling these jokes to a rape victim, would you still find them funny then?):

• What do nine out of ten people enjoy?  Gang rape.
• What is rape anyway, other than surprise sex?
• Ladies, look on the bright side.  Being raped burns more calories than regular sex!

To end with, I would like to share with you a quote from comedian Meghan O’Keefe, about the whole ‘Tosh rape joke incident’.  (For those that don’t know – comedian Daniel Tosh said that rape jokes are always funny, they’re hilarious etc.  A woman in the audience shouted out that ‘rape jokes are never funny’, to which Tosh replied ‘wouldn’t it be funny if you were raped by like, five guys right now?  Like right now?’  The entire audience laughed and she was humiliated.  The girl’s friend wrote about it on Tumblr and it soon went viral).  Here’s the quote: 

"If Tosh honestly thinks rape is funny... well, that's his opinion.  That's his worldview.  What's disturbing is that this is a worldview that is violent and that lacks empathy.  What's even more disturbing is that he's not some unknown comic presenting an unpopular opinion.  He's one of the most popular and beloved comic acts in the country.  Which means that a huge percentage of our country thinks rape jokes are funny, but not because they admire Jeselnik's wordplay or Silverman's irony or Mulaney's empathetic juxtaposition.  They think rape jokes are funny because they think the act of physically hurting and sexually dominating a woman against her will is funny.

And it's not.  They're not laughing at a joke.  They're laughing at the concept of rape.  Rape is disturbing and horrible.  It's one of the horrors that we should keep at bay with humour, not encourage.  Right now, the woman who posted the complain about Tosh is receiving legitimate death and rape threats from his fans.  So his "joke" didn't diffuse pain or horror - it sparked it."

Sources:

Rape statistics: http://www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted

Elin Box’s article: http://www.palatinate.org.uk/?p=24278

Elissa Bassist’s article: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/07/11/why-daniel-tosh-s-rape-joke-at-the-laugh-factory-wasn-t-funny.html

Megan O’Keefe’s article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meghan-okeefe/daniel-tosh-rape-joke_b_1665121.html

Why me?

I try to be strong. I'm trying to 'move on' with my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can choose to not let it affect my future. I reported my abuse and rape. The CPS decided that there wasn't enough evidence to charge him with my rape. Nothing I can do about that, so I'm focussing on the fact that they have charged him with my abuse - 20 of the charges that he is facing are against me. I can't change the fact that I was raped, but I can choose to not live my life as a victim. And for the most part, I am. I am focussing on the upcoming trial, and I am focussing on healing myself.

But sometimes... sometimes I have moments where I am filled with despair and I think "why me?". I get angry. I see my friends living their lives, and I am happy for them. They are getting married, starting a family. They are going out partying. They are worrying about exams. It's the life I should be living, if none of this had happened to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I envy them, each and every one of them. I don't for a second wish anyone harm - I just wish that I could be living that life, instead of worrying about facing my rapist in court.

I should be graduated from university by now. I should have a job. I should be happy.

At the same time, I am aware that everything happens for a reason. I trust in God. And because of what happened, I have met some amazing people. Had I not been raped, I would not have met some of the people that I consider to be my close friends. My friends are amazing and bring a lot of joy in to my life, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. In that respect I feel lucky.

That doesn't stop me from wondering what my life would have been like if I had never met him (but if somehow, my friends were still a part of my life). I wouldn't be plagued with nightmares. I wouldn't jump at a loud noise. I wouldn't flinch at an unexpected touch. I wouldn't find it so hard to trust people.

I don't often have these moments where I cry about the injustice of it all, but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream in anger at the hand that I've been dealt. I want to scream at him for what he's done to me. I want to scream for my lost childhood. I want to scream at a society that instead of teaching men not to rape, it teaches girls not to get raped. I just want to scream.

If I close my eyes, I can almost picture the woman that I could have been. Happy. Trusting. Full of life. A wicked sense of humour. I know that she is in there somewhere, and that slowly I am finding her. I just wish I didn't have to find her. I wish I hadn't been abused and raped, and that I didn't have to work so hard to overcome being a rape victim.

I know that there is nothing that can be done about my past. I know there is no point in saying "why me?". I know I should be looking forwards, not backwards. And for the most part I do look towards the future - the future where I have become that happy, carefree woman inside me that is fighting to get out. But sometimes, even knowing that there is no point, I can't help it, I think about the life I could have lived up until now and I want to know; why me?

I want to worry about normal things. I want to worry about exams, about relationships, about the next party. I don't want to worry about trying not to flinch when I am touched. I don't want to worry about having flashbacks. I don't want to worry about seeing my rapist.

I just want to be a normal girl living a normal life.

Instead, I am a statistic - I am one of the 20% of women that have been raped.

It is not fair, I know this. I know there is no reason. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But that doesn't stop me fantasing about the life I could be leading. It doesn't stop me from asking the question, even though I know there is no answer to it.

Why me?

Picture

I think this sums things up pretty well:




Me

No shame

Why have I decided to write this blog? There are several reasons. The first being that I need a place to write down and explain all my emotions. I need to be able to write about how this has affected me. I need to write about my journey so far. Why make this blog public and not private? Because I don't believe I have anything to be ashamed about. Why shouldn't I let people know what it's like trying to heal? There is nothing shameful about trying to piece your life back together after it has been brutally ripped apart.

Rape is seen as a taboo subject in our society. Yes, it's talked about. Women are constantly bombarded with messages about our safety -'don't go out alone', 'you are vulnerable', 'don't trust men'. But the aftermath is never talked about. Trying to recover from rape is seen as a taboo subject. God forbid anybody mentions their gut-wrenching self-loathing. This feeling that society has towards rape recovery - that it is something that needs to be swept under the carpet, deal with it quietly without causing a fuss - needs to be stopped.

If you mention the term 'rape victim' or 'rape survivor', immediately people treat you differently. They are afraid that if they say the wrong thing they will break you. They are embarrassed for you. They feel pity for you, and at the same time they are grateful it didn't happen to them. Some may even feel shame for feeling this way. I want to say - there should be no shame on either side, there should be no embarrassment and there should be no pity.

There is nothing shameful about fighting to regain some normality in your life. There is nothing shameful about talking about how empty, hateful and scared rape has left you. Society sees you as wounded, as someone with so much baggage that you can barely focus. Society is embarrassed about you. And that needs to be stopped - society needs it's eyes opened. Only by openly talking about rape and its effects do you make people realise that there is nothing to be ashamed about, and that it is a subject that needs talking about.

There is also this idea that rape victims (or survivors) need to be handled with care, that we are damaged goods, that we are as fragile as an eggshell. Yes, being raped completely strips you to the core - in one instant everything you thought you knew about the world and about yourself is violently changed for good. As a friend of mine says, you are completely stripped bare. But you then build yourself back up - and again, this is a long road with many pitfalls and stumbles - and eventually you are stronger than you ever thought possible.

You find a strength inside of you that you didn't realise you possessed. We are not damaged goods. We are not weak. We do not need to be 'handled with care'. We are stronger than you could ever imagine.

It's not easy though. It has taken me years to come to this realisation. It has taken me years to build up the strength to be able to talk about it. If you can't talk about it yet, that's fine. It's taken me six years. It may take other people longer or shorter - there is no time-frame on healing. Everyone is affected differently and everyone heals differently.

So, that is why I have decided to write this blog and make it public. I am aware that I couldn't have started this blog without my amazing family and friends, and especially without Liza, who was one of the first people I told and who's own blog has helped me greatly. (There is a link to her blog in the table at the side, or you can click on the following link - http://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com).

Also, if you hadn't guessed, I survived the 6th anniversary of my rape. In many ways it was a difficult day, as memories came flooding back, but in other ways it was also a good day - I got accepted on to a 3 day brain anatomy course (that's a good thing, honest!), I found out that I passed my level 2 British Sign Language exam, I saw a Sea Eagle and it was 28 days that I've given up smoking (today it's been exactly 1 calendar month since quitting). So, I've survived another year, and each year I'm getting stronger.

Me