11 years

I'm taking a moment today.  A moment to breathe, a moment to think & reflect, a moment to remember.

My sexual abuse happened over the space of 5 years.  The abuse culminated in me being raped in the back seat of his car when I was 17 years old.  It was 11 years ago today that I was raped.  For me, this date is always a difficult one.  In the past I would hide away.  I would stay in my bed, I would be flooded with memories; I would drown in the memories.

Today is different.  Today I am looking at how far I have come.  And I have come pretty damn far. 

With help from my family, friends & the police, I was able to face my abuser in court.  It was one of the most difficult experiences of my life - but I did it.  I put my abuser behind bars.  I started to heal & look after myself.  I started taking better care of myself - physically, emotionally & spiritually.  

Gone is the woman that tried to make herself invisible.  Gone is the woman that was afraid of men.  Gone is the woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Instead, here is the woman that is loud and proud.  Here is the woman with a wonderful, caring, kind & supportive boyfriend.  Here is the woman that is ready to seize life and live it.

Don't get me wrong - it is still a pretty emotional day for me and I'm not quite on my 'A' game.  I listened to some music and had a cry.  But that's okay.  I have turned into a strong woman, and have come to understand that there is strength in crying.  In truth, I feel a lot better for letting it all out.  

Today I am looking back at my journey and acknowledging the strength and determination it took to get here.  Today I am realising that I am one hell of a woman with a bright future ahead of me.

11 years ago today was one of the worst days of my life.  Today, I am happy.  I am amazed at how far I have come.  Today, I am proud of myself.  

Let the music do the talking

Today is the anniversary of my rape.  Instead of using words to describe what I'm feeling, I thought I'd let the music I've been listening to do the talking.


Tori Amos - Me And A Gun:  Lyrics


Linkin Park - Easier To Run


Evanesence - Going Under


Metallica - Until It Sleeps


Black Stone Cherry - Holding On... To Letting Go: Lyrics


Christina Aguilera - Fighter

Moving on

I can't believe that it has been about a year and a half since the guilty verdict and the sentencing.  I don't know why I haven't written or posted anything on here.  Probably because before I was so focused on getting through the trial whereas now I am focused on healing myself and building myself back up.

After the trial, I was still in a pretty bad place.  Even though I got some closure, I was still suffering from nightmares, flashbacks and all the fun stuff that comes with that.  I think it's pretty fair to say that I was a broken person.  I didn't think I would ever heal.  I didn't know what else to do.  I had faced my demons, but felt like I would never actually heal.  But... a year and a half is a long time.

A lot has happened in that year.  I have grown into a more confident woman.  I respect myself.  I love myself.  I have realised that life is good.

So, what's been happening in my life?



A Weighty Issue

After I was raped, I started to put on more and more weight.  At the time I hated it, but couldn't seem to stop it from happening.  I didn't want to stop it from happening.  Looking back, it's obvious what I was doing.  I was trying to make myself unattractive - in my mind, I was raped because I was attractive.  Of course, now I know that that is absolute rubbish - short, tall, thin and fat women are raped.  It's not about attractiveness, it's about exerting your power over someone else.  But in my damaged mind, the more weight I piled on, the safer I was.

That's how I found myself grossly overweight.  I hated it, but I didn't want to lose weight and become vulnerable.  In my mind, my fat was my protection.

Which is why, when I finally started putting myself back together and regain my confidence, I was finally able to lose the weight.  I'm now 4 stone lighter and much more happy and confident within myself.  Not to mention a lot healthier!


A New Diagnosis

Last year I was diagnosed with Type 3 Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a hereditary disorder that affects my joints. In its simplest, my body does not produce enough collagen (the 'glue' that keeps joints together) causing frequent dislocations and sublaxations (partial dislocations).  There are also a bunch of other symptoms, such as chronic pain (which can be extremely debilitating), joint hypermobility, poor healing, brain fog (due to lack of oxygen to the brain), muscle sprains and many others.  Walking can at times be quite difficult.  As of yet there is no cure or treatment other than medicine for the pain - which often doesn't work.
It was a relief to finally get the diagnosis, as I'd been complaining to my doctors' for years.  I'm extremely relieved to finally know what is wrong with me as, for a long time, I was told that it was all in my head.

I won't lie though: it is extremely frustrating, and I have often found myself angry.  For so long I wasn't able to enjoy life and focus on university because my head was in the wrong place - I was a shell of a person and not capable of really doing anything.  Now my head is finally in the right place, but my body is failing me.  I'm 26 but have found myself at times to be virtually housebound.  It is extremely frustrating.

However, I have terrific friends that snap me out of my self-pitying mode and remind me to enjoy the good times in life.  When I can go out, I do.  When I can't go out, my friends come to me.  Unfortunately I have lost some friends who couldn't understand why I often cancelled at the last minute (not easy to socialise when the pain is so overwhelming you literally can not move), but my close friends have been nothing but understanding.


University

I've restarted university and am currently in my second year - again!  I'm determined to finish my degree this time.  I'm enjoying it immensely.  However, EDS does not make it easy.  I've missed a lot of lectures due to dislocations, pain and fatigue.  (It's unclear yet what's causing the fatigue, but the doctors are trying to figure it out).

I am extremely determined to pass this year, but it does sometimes feel like the world is against me (that's when my good friends knock some sense into me and tell me to get on with it already!).  The university have also been extremely supportive and are allowing me to spread my exams out.  I know that with hard work and determination I will get there in the end.


Family & Friends

My family and friends have been amazing throughout these past few years.  They have been patient and kind.  They have let me rant, they have let me cry.  They have given me a hug - or a push, depending on which one I needed!

Slowly, I am being helped to knock down the wall I had built around myself and to take off my mask.  I now find myself actually smiling and laughing - not putting on a mask, but actually smiling and laughing.


Me

It's been a long and hard road, and I'm not all the way there yet.  I still have a lot to unlearn.  As a child, I learnt to put on a mask - to smile and pretend that everything was fine.  I learnt to be quiet and keep my opinion to myself.  I learnt to blend in.  I learnt to try and keep the attention away from me.  Putting on a mask and keeping people at a distance became a natural part of my everyday life, as did fearing men.

I still find it difficult to be around and to trust men.  I still have tendencies to keep men at a safe distance.  Because of this, I also have difficulties in forming close friendships with men.  Aside from family, I never formed a close bond with a male that wasn't sexual.  To me, men were synonymous with sex, because that was what I was taught.  It's not surprising really; becoming sexual at age 12 with  a man in his 30s is bound to mess up my view on healthy friendships between men and women.  Alongside learning how to be good friends with men, I'm also starting to get myself out there and start dating.

I'm also learning to take off my mask and knock down my wall.  It's not easy though, in fact, it's extremely scary.  They have both been in place for so long, I can't remember being without them.  I learnt to hide myself - my body was fair game, but my mind was untouchable.  The thought of being without my mask & wall is frightening, but I know it's the right thing to do.  Yes, it is terrifying, but it is also freeing.  And why should I put on a mask and hide away?  I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I no longer need to protect myself like that.  In fact, keeping the wall and mask is no longer helpful, it's actually damaging me and my relationships with other people.

Another thing I've been working on is not being such a people-pleaser.  I'm a pretty laid back person and am generally pretty happy to go with the flow.  But I became a doormat.  Again, I was taught to do what I was told and to keep him happy.  That translated into every part of my life.
Any question that I was asked (be it "what movie do you want to watch?" or "where do you want to eat?" or "what song do you want to listen to"), I would always respond with; "I don't mind, you choose".
I didn't want to rock the boat.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone if I made a choice that they didn't like.  I still have difficulty with this, but I'm learning.  After all - why is my happiness and wishes worth less than that of others?
I'm learning to actually speak up for myself and to ask people to meet me half way, instead of me bending over backwards for other people and being taken for a mug.

So yes, I still have a long way to go.  But I am definitely on the right track.

For so long I felt sad and angry because I felt like I missed out on having an innocent childhood.  I wondered what I would be like if I hadn't been sexually abused, if I hadn't been raped, if, if, if...  Then I realised something.  Looking back was not helping me.  Instead of focusing on the past, I should be focusing on the future.

Yes, what happened to me was pretty awful and will probably always stay with me.  But there is no turning back time, no changing the past.  Instead, I am learning to look to the future and focus on who I want to become now, instead of who I was back then.  And I have to say - I am liking the woman that I am turning into.

It is important to not let your past define who you are.  Of course you will always be affected by it.  But your past does not define you.  Your past is your past, but your future?  That is all yours and it is up to you to decide what you want to do with it and who you want to become.  Because you know what?  Life can be pretty damned amazing if you actually let yourself feel and live it.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards" - S Kierkegaard. 

No shame

Why have I decided to write this blog? There are several reasons. The first being that I need a place to write down and explain all my emotions. I need to be able to write about how this has affected me. I need to write about my journey so far. Why make this blog public and not private? Because I don't believe I have anything to be ashamed about. Why shouldn't I let people know what it's like trying to heal? There is nothing shameful about trying to piece your life back together after it has been brutally ripped apart.

Rape is seen as a taboo subject in our society. Yes, it's talked about. Women are constantly bombarded with messages about our safety -'don't go out alone', 'you are vulnerable', 'don't trust men'. But the aftermath is never talked about. Trying to recover from rape is seen as a taboo subject. God forbid anybody mentions their gut-wrenching self-loathing. This feeling that society has towards rape recovery - that it is something that needs to be swept under the carpet, deal with it quietly without causing a fuss - needs to be stopped.

If you mention the term 'rape victim' or 'rape survivor', immediately people treat you differently. They are afraid that if they say the wrong thing they will break you. They are embarrassed for you. They feel pity for you, and at the same time they are grateful it didn't happen to them. Some may even feel shame for feeling this way. I want to say - there should be no shame on either side, there should be no embarrassment and there should be no pity.

There is nothing shameful about fighting to regain some normality in your life. There is nothing shameful about talking about how empty, hateful and scared rape has left you. Society sees you as wounded, as someone with so much baggage that you can barely focus. Society is embarrassed about you. And that needs to be stopped - society needs it's eyes opened. Only by openly talking about rape and its effects do you make people realise that there is nothing to be ashamed about, and that it is a subject that needs talking about.

There is also this idea that rape victims (or survivors) need to be handled with care, that we are damaged goods, that we are as fragile as an eggshell. Yes, being raped completely strips you to the core - in one instant everything you thought you knew about the world and about yourself is violently changed for good. As a friend of mine says, you are completely stripped bare. But you then build yourself back up - and again, this is a long road with many pitfalls and stumbles - and eventually you are stronger than you ever thought possible.

You find a strength inside of you that you didn't realise you possessed. We are not damaged goods. We are not weak. We do not need to be 'handled with care'. We are stronger than you could ever imagine.

It's not easy though. It has taken me years to come to this realisation. It has taken me years to build up the strength to be able to talk about it. If you can't talk about it yet, that's fine. It's taken me six years. It may take other people longer or shorter - there is no time-frame on healing. Everyone is affected differently and everyone heals differently.

So, that is why I have decided to write this blog and make it public. I am aware that I couldn't have started this blog without my amazing family and friends, and especially without Liza, who was one of the first people I told and who's own blog has helped me greatly. (There is a link to her blog in the table at the side, or you can click on the following link - http://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com).

Also, if you hadn't guessed, I survived the 6th anniversary of my rape. In many ways it was a difficult day, as memories came flooding back, but in other ways it was also a good day - I got accepted on to a 3 day brain anatomy course (that's a good thing, honest!), I found out that I passed my level 2 British Sign Language exam, I saw a Sea Eagle and it was 28 days that I've given up smoking (today it's been exactly 1 calendar month since quitting). So, I've survived another year, and each year I'm getting stronger.

Me

Six years

It has been exactly 6 years since I was raped. Six years. It feels like it was so long ago, yet it also feels like it was only yesterday. I thought I would be 'over' it by now. Not that I think you can ever be 'over' something like this - I just thought that at least I would have learnt how to live with it. Instead, I can still hear his voice and I can still feel his touch. No matter how many showers I have, I will never be clean. No matter what I try and do to block it out, the memories will always find a way to seep into my conscious thoughts.

It started when I was 12. The grooming was a long and slow process. But bit by bit he gained more control over me. Soon I was being sexually exploited. Eventually, the abuse culminated with him raping me when I was 17.

For years I lived with this secret. It was only recently that I started telling people - including my parents, what had happened to me all those years ago. Until then, it had been a massive burden, affecting my every day life.

Although if I'm honest, it is still affecting me. This past week especially. My sleep has been plagued with nightmares, which means I've hardly been sleeping. I'm exhausted. I also have big, black circles under my eyes. I'm avoiding mirrors at the minute - I don't want to see what I look like. I also don't want to look myself in the eye, for fear of bursting in to tears. I'm trying to be strong about everything, but it feels like my walls are slowly crumbling. The last thing I want to do is cry - I fear I may never stop.

I'm on holiday with my Dad at the minute. I don't think he realises what day it is. I don't blame him - my parents know the bare facts about what happened. I don't have the strength to go in to any details with them and they don't want to push me. So they know I was groomed and raped, but that's all. I want to keep it that way - I want them to look at me and see me, not a rape victim.

But as I said - I'm on holiday with my Dad right now. It's our annual father-daughter holiday. The last thing I want to do is ruin it by breaking down. I love our holidays together, I don't want to ruin it. I know he wouldn't blame me at all, but I would blame myself. So I'm trying to keep it together.

I still can't believe it's been six years. A lot of the times, it feels like it happened just yesterday. For so long I tried to forget what happened, I buried it as deep as I could. But now I'm finally addressing it - and it's extremely difficult. Because I tried to forget for so long, I never allowed myself to heal, to try and move on from it. Only recently has the healing really started.

It's still a raw wound though - I'm nowehere near close to being healed. And days like today remind me of the fact that I have a long way to go. When I close my eyes, I see his face. I can hear those awful words he spoke. I can feel his hands.

So today is a difficult day. It's not an impossible day, but a difficult one. I survived the abuse; I will survive this day. I will overcome the pain, I will overcome my memories. I will survive.

Me