Moving on

I can't believe that it has been about a year and a half since the guilty verdict and the sentencing.  I don't know why I haven't written or posted anything on here.  Probably because before I was so focused on getting through the trial whereas now I am focused on healing myself and building myself back up.

After the trial, I was still in a pretty bad place.  Even though I got some closure, I was still suffering from nightmares, flashbacks and all the fun stuff that comes with that.  I think it's pretty fair to say that I was a broken person.  I didn't think I would ever heal.  I didn't know what else to do.  I had faced my demons, but felt like I would never actually heal.  But... a year and a half is a long time.

A lot has happened in that year.  I have grown into a more confident woman.  I respect myself.  I love myself.  I have realised that life is good.

So, what's been happening in my life?



A Weighty Issue

After I was raped, I started to put on more and more weight.  At the time I hated it, but couldn't seem to stop it from happening.  I didn't want to stop it from happening.  Looking back, it's obvious what I was doing.  I was trying to make myself unattractive - in my mind, I was raped because I was attractive.  Of course, now I know that that is absolute rubbish - short, tall, thin and fat women are raped.  It's not about attractiveness, it's about exerting your power over someone else.  But in my damaged mind, the more weight I piled on, the safer I was.

That's how I found myself grossly overweight.  I hated it, but I didn't want to lose weight and become vulnerable.  In my mind, my fat was my protection.

Which is why, when I finally started putting myself back together and regain my confidence, I was finally able to lose the weight.  I'm now 4 stone lighter and much more happy and confident within myself.  Not to mention a lot healthier!


A New Diagnosis

Last year I was diagnosed with Type 3 Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a hereditary disorder that affects my joints. In its simplest, my body does not produce enough collagen (the 'glue' that keeps joints together) causing frequent dislocations and sublaxations (partial dislocations).  There are also a bunch of other symptoms, such as chronic pain (which can be extremely debilitating), joint hypermobility, poor healing, brain fog (due to lack of oxygen to the brain), muscle sprains and many others.  Walking can at times be quite difficult.  As of yet there is no cure or treatment other than medicine for the pain - which often doesn't work.
It was a relief to finally get the diagnosis, as I'd been complaining to my doctors' for years.  I'm extremely relieved to finally know what is wrong with me as, for a long time, I was told that it was all in my head.

I won't lie though: it is extremely frustrating, and I have often found myself angry.  For so long I wasn't able to enjoy life and focus on university because my head was in the wrong place - I was a shell of a person and not capable of really doing anything.  Now my head is finally in the right place, but my body is failing me.  I'm 26 but have found myself at times to be virtually housebound.  It is extremely frustrating.

However, I have terrific friends that snap me out of my self-pitying mode and remind me to enjoy the good times in life.  When I can go out, I do.  When I can't go out, my friends come to me.  Unfortunately I have lost some friends who couldn't understand why I often cancelled at the last minute (not easy to socialise when the pain is so overwhelming you literally can not move), but my close friends have been nothing but understanding.


University

I've restarted university and am currently in my second year - again!  I'm determined to finish my degree this time.  I'm enjoying it immensely.  However, EDS does not make it easy.  I've missed a lot of lectures due to dislocations, pain and fatigue.  (It's unclear yet what's causing the fatigue, but the doctors are trying to figure it out).

I am extremely determined to pass this year, but it does sometimes feel like the world is against me (that's when my good friends knock some sense into me and tell me to get on with it already!).  The university have also been extremely supportive and are allowing me to spread my exams out.  I know that with hard work and determination I will get there in the end.


Family & Friends

My family and friends have been amazing throughout these past few years.  They have been patient and kind.  They have let me rant, they have let me cry.  They have given me a hug - or a push, depending on which one I needed!

Slowly, I am being helped to knock down the wall I had built around myself and to take off my mask.  I now find myself actually smiling and laughing - not putting on a mask, but actually smiling and laughing.


Me

It's been a long and hard road, and I'm not all the way there yet.  I still have a lot to unlearn.  As a child, I learnt to put on a mask - to smile and pretend that everything was fine.  I learnt to be quiet and keep my opinion to myself.  I learnt to blend in.  I learnt to try and keep the attention away from me.  Putting on a mask and keeping people at a distance became a natural part of my everyday life, as did fearing men.

I still find it difficult to be around and to trust men.  I still have tendencies to keep men at a safe distance.  Because of this, I also have difficulties in forming close friendships with men.  Aside from family, I never formed a close bond with a male that wasn't sexual.  To me, men were synonymous with sex, because that was what I was taught.  It's not surprising really; becoming sexual at age 12 with  a man in his 30s is bound to mess up my view on healthy friendships between men and women.  Alongside learning how to be good friends with men, I'm also starting to get myself out there and start dating.

I'm also learning to take off my mask and knock down my wall.  It's not easy though, in fact, it's extremely scary.  They have both been in place for so long, I can't remember being without them.  I learnt to hide myself - my body was fair game, but my mind was untouchable.  The thought of being without my mask & wall is frightening, but I know it's the right thing to do.  Yes, it is terrifying, but it is also freeing.  And why should I put on a mask and hide away?  I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I no longer need to protect myself like that.  In fact, keeping the wall and mask is no longer helpful, it's actually damaging me and my relationships with other people.

Another thing I've been working on is not being such a people-pleaser.  I'm a pretty laid back person and am generally pretty happy to go with the flow.  But I became a doormat.  Again, I was taught to do what I was told and to keep him happy.  That translated into every part of my life.
Any question that I was asked (be it "what movie do you want to watch?" or "where do you want to eat?" or "what song do you want to listen to"), I would always respond with; "I don't mind, you choose".
I didn't want to rock the boat.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone if I made a choice that they didn't like.  I still have difficulty with this, but I'm learning.  After all - why is my happiness and wishes worth less than that of others?
I'm learning to actually speak up for myself and to ask people to meet me half way, instead of me bending over backwards for other people and being taken for a mug.

So yes, I still have a long way to go.  But I am definitely on the right track.

For so long I felt sad and angry because I felt like I missed out on having an innocent childhood.  I wondered what I would be like if I hadn't been sexually abused, if I hadn't been raped, if, if, if...  Then I realised something.  Looking back was not helping me.  Instead of focusing on the past, I should be focusing on the future.

Yes, what happened to me was pretty awful and will probably always stay with me.  But there is no turning back time, no changing the past.  Instead, I am learning to look to the future and focus on who I want to become now, instead of who I was back then.  And I have to say - I am liking the woman that I am turning into.

It is important to not let your past define who you are.  Of course you will always be affected by it.  But your past does not define you.  Your past is your past, but your future?  That is all yours and it is up to you to decide what you want to do with it and who you want to become.  Because you know what?  Life can be pretty damned amazing if you actually let yourself feel and live it.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards" - S Kierkegaard. 

A touchy subject

When you have been raped, it's important to control who touches you. You had been touched in a way that destroyed your faith in humanity, and you don't want that to happen ever again. At least, it's that way for me. For a long time afterwards, I didn't want to be touched in any way. I didn't want to be hugged, I didn't want to people tapping me on my shoulder, I didn't want to be touched at all.

I needed to control who touched me and when. I wanted to be the one that initiated hugging or any other form of touching. It's not that I minded being touched - I just wanted to initiate it and know it was going to happen. I hated it when people surprised me by touching my arm whilst they were talking to me, or tickled me or did anything that involved physical contact.

More often than not, when someone touched me and I wasn't expecting it, I would either jump or flinch. Even though it was all completely innocent, I hated it. I had been touched against my will once, I didn't want it to happen ever again. I knew that people touching me were doing it in all innocence. I knew it wasn't in a sexual way. I knew it was friendly. But if I wasn't expecting it then I didn't want it to happen.

I stayed like this for a long time. People just thought I was distant and aloof. They thought I was rude or a bit weird. I didn't care - I just wanted to be in control of who touched me and when they touched me.

I remember once incident, when a friend of mine accidentally brushed his hand against my backside. It was completely innocent - he hadn't even realised he'd done it, but I went crazy. I started shouting at him and asking him what he thought he was playing at. The poor guy - he had absolutely no idea what was going on.

Things are slowly changing though - I don't jump or flinch as much. I enjoy being hugged. It's nice to have human contact that is friendly. A hug is not violent, a hug is not sexual and a hug is not awful. In fact, being hugged is quite nice. Unfortunately - most people think that I don't want to be hugged because of my past behaviour.

Most times now, I don't mind when people touch me and I wasn't aware that they were going to. I've learnt that being touched isn't a bad thing. Being touched does not equal being violated in any way. Being touched can be nice - a hug is supportive and friendly, not evil.

However, there are still times though when I don't like to be touched. Those times are always when I am about to do something that confronts him. All my thoughts are focused on him - the last thing I want is to be touched in any way. The memories are too strong, the thoughts of him are too strong. When I'm in that state of mind, I don't want any physical contact - even if it's meant to be supportive. All that happens is that I end up thinking about the way he touched me.

Luckily, those moments don't happen very often - they only happen when I'm doing something that relates directly to him; like reporting him, identifying him etc. When he is all that I'm focused on, I build an emotional barrier around myself so that he can't hurt me. That barrier is also around my body - if anyone breaks through that barrier and touches me, the barrier in my mind starts to break and I feel myself crumbling emotionally.

As I said though - that doesn't happen very often anymore. For the most part, I don't mind being touched anymore. I've discovered that I quite like physical contact with other people. Hugs are nice, they make you feel good.

For me, finally admitting that is a major breakthrough - it means I'm letting the walls around myself down and letting people in. I'm not letting what he did to me dictate how I act around my friends. I'm not letting what he did to me stop me from enjoying hugs from my family and friends. I'm taking back control by opening up and enjoying physical contact.

There was a time, before I was raped, that I enjoyed hugs. He stole that from me. Well, now I'm taking that back.

A hug? Yes please!

Me