I can't believe that it has been about a year and a half since the guilty verdict and the sentencing. I don't know why I haven't written or posted anything on here. Probably because before I was so focused on getting through the trial whereas now I am focused on healing myself and building myself back up.
After the trial, I was still in a pretty bad place. Even though I got some closure, I was still suffering from nightmares, flashbacks and all the fun stuff that comes with that. I think it's pretty fair to say that I was a broken person. I didn't think I would ever heal. I didn't know what else to do. I had faced my demons, but felt like I would never actually heal. But... a year and a half is a long time.
A lot has happened in that year. I have grown into a more confident woman. I respect myself. I love myself. I have realised that life is good.
So, what's been happening in my life?
A Weighty Issue
After I was raped, I started to put on more and more weight. At the time I hated it, but couldn't seem to stop it from happening. I didn't want to stop it from happening. Looking back, it's obvious what I was doing. I was trying to make myself unattractive - in my mind, I was raped because I was attractive. Of course, now I know that that is absolute rubbish - short, tall, thin and fat women are raped. It's not about attractiveness, it's about exerting your power over someone else. But in my damaged mind, the more weight I piled on, the safer I was.
That's how I found myself grossly overweight. I hated it, but I didn't want to lose weight and become vulnerable. In my mind, my fat was my protection.
Which is why, when I finally started putting myself back together and regain my confidence, I was finally able to lose the weight. I'm now 4 stone lighter and much more happy and confident within myself. Not to mention a lot healthier!
A New Diagnosis
Last year I was diagnosed with Type 3 Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a hereditary disorder that affects my joints. In its simplest, my body does not produce enough collagen (the 'glue' that keeps joints together) causing frequent dislocations and sublaxations (partial dislocations). There are also a bunch of other symptoms, such as chronic pain (which can be extremely debilitating), joint hypermobility, poor healing, brain fog (due to lack of oxygen to the brain), muscle sprains and many others. Walking can at times be quite difficult. As of yet there is no cure or treatment other than medicine for the pain - which often doesn't work.
It was a relief to finally get the diagnosis, as I'd been complaining to my doctors' for years. I'm extremely relieved to finally know what is wrong with me as, for a long time, I was told that it was all in my head.
I won't lie though: it is extremely frustrating, and I have often found myself angry. For so long I wasn't able to enjoy life and focus on university because my head was in the wrong place - I was a shell of a person and not capable of really doing anything. Now my head is finally in the right place, but my body is failing me. I'm 26 but have found myself at times to be virtually housebound. It is extremely frustrating.
However, I have terrific friends that snap me out of my self-pitying mode and remind me to enjoy the good times in life. When I can go out, I do. When I can't go out, my friends come to me. Unfortunately I have lost some friends who couldn't understand why I often cancelled at the last minute (not easy to socialise when the pain is so overwhelming you literally can not move), but my close friends have been nothing but understanding.
University
I've restarted university and am currently in my second year - again! I'm determined to finish my degree this time. I'm enjoying it immensely. However, EDS does not make it easy. I've missed a lot of lectures due to dislocations, pain and fatigue. (It's unclear yet what's causing the fatigue, but the doctors are trying to figure it out).
I am extremely determined to pass this year, but it does sometimes feel like the world is against me (that's when my good friends knock some sense into me and tell me to get on with it already!). The university have also been extremely supportive and are allowing me to spread my exams out. I know that with hard work and determination I will get there in the end.
Family & Friends
My family and friends have been amazing throughout these past few years. They have been patient and kind. They have let me rant, they have let me cry. They have given me a hug - or a push, depending on which one I needed!
Slowly, I am being helped to knock down the wall I had built around myself and to take off my mask. I now find myself actually smiling and laughing - not putting on a mask, but actually smiling and laughing.
Me
It's been a long and hard road, and I'm not all the way there yet. I still have a lot to unlearn. As a child, I learnt to put on a mask - to smile and pretend that everything was fine. I learnt to be quiet and keep my opinion to myself. I learnt to blend in. I learnt to try and keep the attention away from me. Putting on a mask and keeping people at a distance became a natural part of my everyday life, as did fearing men.
I still find it difficult to be around and to trust men. I still have tendencies to keep men at a safe distance. Because of this, I also have difficulties in forming close friendships with men. Aside from family, I never formed a close bond with a male that wasn't sexual. To me, men were synonymous with sex, because that was what I was taught. It's not surprising really; becoming sexual at age 12 with a man in his 30s is bound to mess up my view on healthy friendships between men and women. Alongside learning how to be good friends with men, I'm also starting to get myself out there and start dating.
I'm also learning to take off my mask and knock down my wall. It's not easy though, in fact, it's extremely scary. They have both been in place for so long, I can't remember being without them. I learnt to hide myself - my body was fair game, but my mind was untouchable. The thought of being without my mask & wall is frightening, but I know it's the right thing to do. Yes, it is terrifying, but it is also freeing. And why should I put on a mask and hide away? I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I no longer need to protect myself like that. In fact, keeping the wall and mask is no longer helpful, it's actually damaging me and my relationships with other people.
Another thing I've been working on is not being such a people-pleaser. I'm a pretty laid back person and am generally pretty happy to go with the flow. But I became a doormat. Again, I was taught to do what I was told and to keep him happy. That translated into every part of my life.
Any question that I was asked (be it "what movie do you want to watch?" or "where do you want to eat?" or "what song do you want to listen to"), I would always respond with; "I don't mind, you choose".
I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to disappoint anyone if I made a choice that they didn't like. I still have difficulty with this, but I'm learning. After all - why is my happiness and wishes worth less than that of others?
I'm learning to actually speak up for myself and to ask people to meet me half way, instead of me bending over backwards for other people and being taken for a mug.
So yes, I still have a long way to go. But I am definitely on the right track.
For so long I felt sad and angry because I felt like I missed out on having an innocent childhood. I wondered what I would be like if I hadn't been sexually abused, if I hadn't been raped, if, if, if... Then I realised something. Looking back was not helping me. Instead of focusing on the past, I should be focusing on the future.
Yes, what happened to me was pretty awful and will probably always stay with me. But there is no turning back time, no changing the past. Instead, I am learning to look to the future and focus on who I want to become now, instead of who I was back then. And I have to say - I am liking the woman that I am turning into.
It is important to not let your past define who you are. Of course you will always be affected by it. But your past does not define you. Your past is your past, but your future? That is all yours and it is up to you to decide what you want to do with it and who you want to become. Because you know what? Life can be pretty damned amazing if you actually let yourself feel and live it.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards" - S Kierkegaard.
Showing posts with label recovering process. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovering process. Show all posts
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Struggles
Sometimes I have difficulty finding words. I have all these thoughts and emotions going round and round in my head, but it becomes almost impossible to focus on one and to understand what it is that's going through my mind. Which makes it difficult to concentrate and focus on work.
All in all, I'm doing a lot better. But I'm still struggling. The struggle is getting easier with time, but it's still tough.
I feel better about him as a person - I'm not afraid of him, I know he's not a monster. He's just a man. A man that did evil things, but still a man. He can't hurt me anymore. He doesn't scare me anymore. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I'm trying to forgive him. I've taken the first step and I've prayed for him since that first time. I pray that he sees that what he did was wrong, I pray that he accepts that he needs to face justive. I also pray that he will manage to heal, that he finds God.
I'm reading a book about forgiveness at the minute. About what it means to forgive someone, to foreswear resentment. I don't wish him harm, but I want him to pay for what he did, I want justice to be done. Which, according to this book, is a good thing - forgiveness and justice aren't polar opposites of each other. What I do want to know, and which hopefully this book will help me understand, is can you forgive someone who doesn't believe they've done anything wrong?
I don't know how he feels. I don't know if he regrets what he did - not in the sense that he was caught, but that he regrets his actions because they hurt someone, or several people. I know that he denied raping me, and there wasn't enough proof to charge him with that. But does that mean he thinks he didn't do anything wrong, or he knows what he did and is too scared to face the consequences?
I've also been entertaining the idea of seeing him. I know I will either see him in court or at his sentencing. But I want to talk to him, something which I think I can put a request in for if/when he's been found guilty. He has to accept this request of course. But I want to talk to him. I don't want to ask him why, because I know why. I was a vulnerable child that just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I do want to ask him if he regrets what he did, if he feels any remorse. Chances are that he doesn't - peadophiles don't tend to feel remorse. But I do think it will help with my closure. Maybe I will be able to finally put that to rest. Maybe I won't be able to forgive him (can you forgive someone that doesn't think they did anything wrong?), but I will have faced him. It might never happen of course.
So, I feel better about him as a person. He doesn't scare me anymore. What I still struggle with are the consequences of his actions. I still struggle with the 5 years of abuse and the rape. I still struggle with what he did to me and what he made me do. There are times when I'm not really thinking about anything, or I'm hanging out with my friends when wham, a memory will hit me.
It's the memories that I struggle with a lot. And the jumpiness. I'm easily startled and I'm quite guarded. I don't trust easily. My psychologist made a good point - I'm so busy keeping the 'bad men' away, that I don't let the good men come near me either. It's something I have to work on, something I want to work on. I struggle with depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Some days are extremely tough. I use unhealthy things as a crutch. Yes, I no longer self-harm, but I do have unhealthy crutches (like smoking). I need to learn to be able to cope with life without relying on self-destructive things. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, smoking is probably better than self-harm, drinking, sleeping around and/or drugs.
There's a lot going on at the moment, a lot of thoughts going through my mind - do I forgive him? Can I forgive him? Does he regret what he did? Will he plead guilty? Will there be a trial? Will he plead guilty? Will he accept to see me? Memories that ambush me, PTSD and depression rearing their ugly heads, relying on crutches, my trust issues etc. All of these things I struggle with daily. Which of course, makes it difficult to focus on university.
I struggle with compartmentalising my life and putting all of those things on a shelf so I can focus on my work. Which means that my attention span is limited, which means i have difficulty focusing. Which means that my work suffers. Which is frustrating. I know I could get a good degree if I didn't struggle with all of this - I'm not stupid. It frustrates me because I'm not able to give university my all. I'm not even able to give university 1/4 of my all, because most of me is fighting to get better, to beat my depression and PTSD and to recover from being an abuse and rape victim. So much energy is spent on gluing myself back together, that I have hardly no energy left for my work.
Which is extremely frustrating. And I do find myself blaming him for it - another sign that I haven't forgiven him yet. If it wasn't for him, I would likely be graduated by now, I wouldn't suffer from PTSD, my depression might not be so bad, I wouldn't have all these trust issues... the list goes on and on.
Which brings me back to forgiveness. I know I need closure, I know there's no point going 'what if' and 'if only'. I want to forgive him, I need to forgive him.
So, he as a person no longer scares me - I don't fear him. But I'm living with the consequences of what he did to me every day. It's a struggle, but I'm getting there. While some days may be tough, I do feel better all in all.
Apologies for the long, and slightly rambling, entry. I just needed to get my thoughts down.
All in all, I'm doing a lot better. But I'm still struggling. The struggle is getting easier with time, but it's still tough.
I feel better about him as a person - I'm not afraid of him, I know he's not a monster. He's just a man. A man that did evil things, but still a man. He can't hurt me anymore. He doesn't scare me anymore. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I'm trying to forgive him. I've taken the first step and I've prayed for him since that first time. I pray that he sees that what he did was wrong, I pray that he accepts that he needs to face justive. I also pray that he will manage to heal, that he finds God.
I'm reading a book about forgiveness at the minute. About what it means to forgive someone, to foreswear resentment. I don't wish him harm, but I want him to pay for what he did, I want justice to be done. Which, according to this book, is a good thing - forgiveness and justice aren't polar opposites of each other. What I do want to know, and which hopefully this book will help me understand, is can you forgive someone who doesn't believe they've done anything wrong?
I don't know how he feels. I don't know if he regrets what he did - not in the sense that he was caught, but that he regrets his actions because they hurt someone, or several people. I know that he denied raping me, and there wasn't enough proof to charge him with that. But does that mean he thinks he didn't do anything wrong, or he knows what he did and is too scared to face the consequences?
I've also been entertaining the idea of seeing him. I know I will either see him in court or at his sentencing. But I want to talk to him, something which I think I can put a request in for if/when he's been found guilty. He has to accept this request of course. But I want to talk to him. I don't want to ask him why, because I know why. I was a vulnerable child that just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I do want to ask him if he regrets what he did, if he feels any remorse. Chances are that he doesn't - peadophiles don't tend to feel remorse. But I do think it will help with my closure. Maybe I will be able to finally put that to rest. Maybe I won't be able to forgive him (can you forgive someone that doesn't think they did anything wrong?), but I will have faced him. It might never happen of course.
So, I feel better about him as a person. He doesn't scare me anymore. What I still struggle with are the consequences of his actions. I still struggle with the 5 years of abuse and the rape. I still struggle with what he did to me and what he made me do. There are times when I'm not really thinking about anything, or I'm hanging out with my friends when wham, a memory will hit me.
It's the memories that I struggle with a lot. And the jumpiness. I'm easily startled and I'm quite guarded. I don't trust easily. My psychologist made a good point - I'm so busy keeping the 'bad men' away, that I don't let the good men come near me either. It's something I have to work on, something I want to work on. I struggle with depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Some days are extremely tough. I use unhealthy things as a crutch. Yes, I no longer self-harm, but I do have unhealthy crutches (like smoking). I need to learn to be able to cope with life without relying on self-destructive things. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, smoking is probably better than self-harm, drinking, sleeping around and/or drugs.
There's a lot going on at the moment, a lot of thoughts going through my mind - do I forgive him? Can I forgive him? Does he regret what he did? Will he plead guilty? Will there be a trial? Will he plead guilty? Will he accept to see me? Memories that ambush me, PTSD and depression rearing their ugly heads, relying on crutches, my trust issues etc. All of these things I struggle with daily. Which of course, makes it difficult to focus on university.
I struggle with compartmentalising my life and putting all of those things on a shelf so I can focus on my work. Which means that my attention span is limited, which means i have difficulty focusing. Which means that my work suffers. Which is frustrating. I know I could get a good degree if I didn't struggle with all of this - I'm not stupid. It frustrates me because I'm not able to give university my all. I'm not even able to give university 1/4 of my all, because most of me is fighting to get better, to beat my depression and PTSD and to recover from being an abuse and rape victim. So much energy is spent on gluing myself back together, that I have hardly no energy left for my work.
Which is extremely frustrating. And I do find myself blaming him for it - another sign that I haven't forgiven him yet. If it wasn't for him, I would likely be graduated by now, I wouldn't suffer from PTSD, my depression might not be so bad, I wouldn't have all these trust issues... the list goes on and on.
Which brings me back to forgiveness. I know I need closure, I know there's no point going 'what if' and 'if only'. I want to forgive him, I need to forgive him.
So, he as a person no longer scares me - I don't fear him. But I'm living with the consequences of what he did to me every day. It's a struggle, but I'm getting there. While some days may be tough, I do feel better all in all.
Apologies for the long, and slightly rambling, entry. I just needed to get my thoughts down.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Clothes = healing?
Not long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend. This friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should be over my past by now. I was told that I was obviously stuck in a rut, that I had surrendered to my misery and I needed help to get out of it and to get over everything. This person then said that she knew exactly how to heal me. By taking me clothes shopping.
Yes, you read that correctly. Clothes shopping. Apparently, buying new clothes would help me, as a childhood abuse and rape victim, to 'get over it'. I was told that I have no taste in clothes, that I lack style and that my lack of style makes me unnatractive. She told me not to worry though - it's understandable that I want to be unnatractive, given what has happened to me. But it's really about time to move on. So I need to go out and buy clothes that make me stand out from the crowd, that make a statement about myself. And being the wonderful person that she is, she will help me with my fashion sense. In letting her make me over, I'll be halfway there to 'getting over it'. Clothes will, apparently, make me heal.
I am so glad that someone has finally told me what I need to do in order to 'move on'. Buy new clothes and make myself attractive. Wow, I never knew it was so easy! Just imagine, I'll no longer have to work through and come to terms with all the years of abuse, denial, pain, anger, insecurity, fear etc. No, instead, all I need to do is buy new clothes!
As you may have guessed by now, I have many, many issues with this. I don't even know where to start. There are so many things wrong with what she said to me.
Firstly - don't you dare trivialise what I went through. Suggesting that something that has changed and shaped me so monumentally can be 'undone' by a simpe shopping trip is insulting. I can't even begin to describe how belittling and undermining that is. You are basically telling me that what I went through is nothing, that it shouldn't have had this much impact on me. I'm still trying to grasp the extent to which this has affected me, but I know it's more than a simple shopping trip can 'fix'. I'm sure my past has affected me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. However, I'm slowly finding out just how much of an impact this has had on my life. It has skewed my perception of what a healthy sexual relationship should be like. It has almost destroyed my faith in men. It made me fall in to a pit of dispair. It has left me with scars (physically and emotionally) that will never quite go away; they may fade, but they will always be there. So don't you dare try and tell me that what I went through is no big deal, that it is of no significance and is inconsequential. You have no idea how much this has affected me. But there's one thing that you can be sure of, and that is that a shopping trip will not 'fix' this.
Secondly - there is no time frame to recovering. Everyone recovers at a different pace. I suffered through years of sexual abuse. I suffered through rape. Then I spent the next few years living in denial and trying to bury something that was desperate to surface, something that was screaming to be brought out in to the open. I only let it out a few months ago. Over 10 years worth of buried emotions have just been allowed to surface. It's going to take me a hell of a lot longer than a few months to sift through them all. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and think; 'Oh, it's been a few months now, I better be over this by now'. It's going to take a long, long time for me to work through everything. You rushing me is not helping; in fact, it's making it worse. Not only do I need to focus on working through everything, I now also have to worry about working to someone else's expected time frame. Will people think I'm weak or a drama queen if I haven't reached "step 5 of the grieving process" by tomorrow? Back off and let me heal in my own time.
Thirdly - who gave you the right to judge me? I am not, as you may think, stuck in a rut. I have not surrendered to my misery. In fact, I'm fighting it with every piece of strength I have. I was completely and utterly stripped to the core. It felt like I was left completely and utterly broken, cowering in a cave of despair. You have no idea just how much I am working to come out at the other side, to start to live again and see the beauty in life again. Yet you judge me, saying I'm just a misery guts. You are completely ignoring just how far I have come, how much work I have put in to putting myself back together. Don't you dare belittle all the hard work that I have done - and am still doing - to get my life back on track. I am working damn hard at finding my inner peace, at finding my happiness. So don't you tell me that I'm not working hard enough, or that I'm not working at all, because you have no idea just how hard I'm working.
Fourthly - I may never 'be over it'. It's not like it's the flu - I can't just rest a lot and take medicine and then be better in a couple of days. I won't suddenly forget what happened. In a sense, I will never 'get over it'. The memories will always remain. However, what I hope will happen is that I will find a way to live with it. I'm trying extremely hard to get to the place where I can live with it, but I don't think I will ever 'be over it'.
And finally - I'm sorry that my fashion sense isn't up to your standard. You find me unnatractive? Surprisingly enough, it's not the end of my world that you're not attracted to me. In fact, it may shock you, but I just don't care what you think of my style. I am not, nor will I ever be, a 'girly-girl' or 'chic'. That's not who I am. I am most comfortable in jeans and a tshirt, not an expensive skirt with a designer belt and a cute top. I am me, and I am - finally - getting to be comfortable with who I am. I will never be a fashion designer. I have absolutely no idea what the latest 'in thing' is. And I don't really care either. You may not like what I wear, but I do. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm just me. I wear what I want to, depending on my mood on that particular day. Sometimes I dress in what you may call 'goth' wear. Sometimes I wear what you may call 'girl next door'. Sometimes I wear what you might call 'tom-boy', or 'urban', or 'butch' and yes, sometimes even 'girly'. You may not like that I don't just stick to one sort of style, or you may not like the style I wear most days. But you know what? Tough.
Right, that's my little rant over! I just had to get that off my chest.
Me
Yes, you read that correctly. Clothes shopping. Apparently, buying new clothes would help me, as a childhood abuse and rape victim, to 'get over it'. I was told that I have no taste in clothes, that I lack style and that my lack of style makes me unnatractive. She told me not to worry though - it's understandable that I want to be unnatractive, given what has happened to me. But it's really about time to move on. So I need to go out and buy clothes that make me stand out from the crowd, that make a statement about myself. And being the wonderful person that she is, she will help me with my fashion sense. In letting her make me over, I'll be halfway there to 'getting over it'. Clothes will, apparently, make me heal.
I am so glad that someone has finally told me what I need to do in order to 'move on'. Buy new clothes and make myself attractive. Wow, I never knew it was so easy! Just imagine, I'll no longer have to work through and come to terms with all the years of abuse, denial, pain, anger, insecurity, fear etc. No, instead, all I need to do is buy new clothes!
As you may have guessed by now, I have many, many issues with this. I don't even know where to start. There are so many things wrong with what she said to me.
Firstly - don't you dare trivialise what I went through. Suggesting that something that has changed and shaped me so monumentally can be 'undone' by a simpe shopping trip is insulting. I can't even begin to describe how belittling and undermining that is. You are basically telling me that what I went through is nothing, that it shouldn't have had this much impact on me. I'm still trying to grasp the extent to which this has affected me, but I know it's more than a simple shopping trip can 'fix'. I'm sure my past has affected me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. However, I'm slowly finding out just how much of an impact this has had on my life. It has skewed my perception of what a healthy sexual relationship should be like. It has almost destroyed my faith in men. It made me fall in to a pit of dispair. It has left me with scars (physically and emotionally) that will never quite go away; they may fade, but they will always be there. So don't you dare try and tell me that what I went through is no big deal, that it is of no significance and is inconsequential. You have no idea how much this has affected me. But there's one thing that you can be sure of, and that is that a shopping trip will not 'fix' this.
Secondly - there is no time frame to recovering. Everyone recovers at a different pace. I suffered through years of sexual abuse. I suffered through rape. Then I spent the next few years living in denial and trying to bury something that was desperate to surface, something that was screaming to be brought out in to the open. I only let it out a few months ago. Over 10 years worth of buried emotions have just been allowed to surface. It's going to take me a hell of a lot longer than a few months to sift through them all. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and think; 'Oh, it's been a few months now, I better be over this by now'. It's going to take a long, long time for me to work through everything. You rushing me is not helping; in fact, it's making it worse. Not only do I need to focus on working through everything, I now also have to worry about working to someone else's expected time frame. Will people think I'm weak or a drama queen if I haven't reached "step 5 of the grieving process" by tomorrow? Back off and let me heal in my own time.
Thirdly - who gave you the right to judge me? I am not, as you may think, stuck in a rut. I have not surrendered to my misery. In fact, I'm fighting it with every piece of strength I have. I was completely and utterly stripped to the core. It felt like I was left completely and utterly broken, cowering in a cave of despair. You have no idea just how much I am working to come out at the other side, to start to live again and see the beauty in life again. Yet you judge me, saying I'm just a misery guts. You are completely ignoring just how far I have come, how much work I have put in to putting myself back together. Don't you dare belittle all the hard work that I have done - and am still doing - to get my life back on track. I am working damn hard at finding my inner peace, at finding my happiness. So don't you tell me that I'm not working hard enough, or that I'm not working at all, because you have no idea just how hard I'm working.
Fourthly - I may never 'be over it'. It's not like it's the flu - I can't just rest a lot and take medicine and then be better in a couple of days. I won't suddenly forget what happened. In a sense, I will never 'get over it'. The memories will always remain. However, what I hope will happen is that I will find a way to live with it. I'm trying extremely hard to get to the place where I can live with it, but I don't think I will ever 'be over it'.
And finally - I'm sorry that my fashion sense isn't up to your standard. You find me unnatractive? Surprisingly enough, it's not the end of my world that you're not attracted to me. In fact, it may shock you, but I just don't care what you think of my style. I am not, nor will I ever be, a 'girly-girl' or 'chic'. That's not who I am. I am most comfortable in jeans and a tshirt, not an expensive skirt with a designer belt and a cute top. I am me, and I am - finally - getting to be comfortable with who I am. I will never be a fashion designer. I have absolutely no idea what the latest 'in thing' is. And I don't really care either. You may not like what I wear, but I do. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm just me. I wear what I want to, depending on my mood on that particular day. Sometimes I dress in what you may call 'goth' wear. Sometimes I wear what you may call 'girl next door'. Sometimes I wear what you might call 'tom-boy', or 'urban', or 'butch' and yes, sometimes even 'girly'. You may not like that I don't just stick to one sort of style, or you may not like the style I wear most days. But you know what? Tough.
Right, that's my little rant over! I just had to get that off my chest.
Me
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