Planning

I still can't believe it.  He's been found guilty.  I had convinced myself that they would find him not guilty, that I wouldn't be believed.  I know that my case is a minority - so many rapists aren't even taken to court, and few of those that are are found guilty.  Then again, mine wasn't a rape case, it was a child abuse case.

He will never be convicted of raping me.  The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point.  It's not the fault of the police.  It's the system.  But... I'm okay with that.  He has been found guilty.  So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that.  So I am extremely thankful.

And happy.  I am so, so SO happy.  It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer).  His bail has been revoked.  He is in jail.  He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me.  Never again.

I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had.  My stomach does not like alcohol.  And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration.  So I'm pretty tired today.  But guess what?  HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on cloud nine.  I feel like I've won the lottery.  I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro.  I feel happy.

It's not over yet though.  Not by a long shot.  Yes, the trial is over.  That part of my life is done.  His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.

But that's not what I'm referring to.  Yes, the trial is over.  But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape.  Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression.  It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore.  It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.

I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me.  But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.

Guilty motherfucker!  Yes!!!!

So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed.  But I'm getting there.  As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life.  Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.

And that feels good.  So, so good.

So yes, I am moving on with my life.  It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world.  I have no weight bearing down on me anymore.  I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track.  And that feels amazing.

So, what are my life changing plans?  Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself.  I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc.  But that's not all.  I'm quitting smoking.

I've always said that after the trial I will quit.  Well, the trial has finished.  So I guess I better quit.  I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc).  One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?

Yes, I probably will want to smoke.  Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.  But there will always be stressful situations.  So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks.  That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit).  I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.

So.  I'm quitting smoking.  I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again.  I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened.  I enjoyed doing things.  But over the past years, I've not done anything.  I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself.  Well, no more!

My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them!  I used to love riding horses as a child.  I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider.  But I haven't ridden since I was about 12.  I used to love it.  So I'm going to start again.

There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do.  Such as lessons in statistics.  I hate statistics.  I'm crap at it.  That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough.  So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons.  Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!

Let's see... what else have I been putting off?  Getting my first aid certificate.  I used to be a qualified first aider.  But I let that slide.  I want it back.  And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.

Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much.  For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle.  So I don't want to take on too much, too fast.  The first step is to quit smoking.  Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame).  I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.

So.  That's my plan.  December - quit smoking.  January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again.  February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans.  March - First Aid training.  April/May - statistics lessons.  Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays.  I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all.  But to me, all of this is huge.  It's a lot.  I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life.  It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with.  But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!

I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it.   I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on the [long] road to recovery.  I am starting to live my life.  And I feel GREAT.

Back to reality

To start with, I just want to apologise if this entry doesn't make much sense - I'm quite sleep deprived and just writing down my thoughts, which probably aren't that coherent.

For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.

However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.

I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.

It was amazing.

Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.

It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.

I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.

I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.

So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.

So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.

So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.

I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.

To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.

Me