Dark days

For those that haven’t experienced what I call a 'dark day', it’s really hard to understand. A lot of people can't relate to it, can't comprehend it. I know a lot of people think 'well, why can't you just snap out of it?'

Imagine waking up, and feeling like there is no hope for anything. All your positive thoughts have gone. No matter how hard you try, you can’t think a single good thought. It might be the most beautiful day the world has ever seen, but you can’t see it. Something is stopping you from seeing it. It’s like there’s a black curtain covering your perception of the world.

Add to this, you are overwhelmed by feelings of self-loathing. Every negative thought you’ve ever had about yourself is multiplied by 100, by a thousand. Whatever your insecurities are, on a dark day these insecurities are all-consuming. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. No one loves you. You’re a complete waste of space. You're a burden.

That’s not all though. All the bad memories come flooding back to you. Every bad thing that happened to you hits your like a ton of bricks. When this wave of memories, of bad experiences, hit you, you become completely paralised. It's suffocating. In my case, the worst of these are the thoughts of my rape and abuse. The memories that will forever link me to this man. Who could ever love a damaged woman like me? I’m forever tainted by what he did to me. He destroyed the goodness I had. I didn’t fight back enough. I should have told someone what was happening. I let it happen. I deserved it.

Even though in my head I know that no one 'deserves' for this to happen to them. I know it wasn't my fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was vulnerable. He took advantage of that. I know this. But on a dark day, logic goes out of the window.

Add to all of this, you’re exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted; physically, emotionally and mentally. You can barely summon up any energy to make it to the toilet, let alone put on your usual mask. You can't bring yourself to plaster a smile on your face, to go about your day, to joke and laugh with your friends. You have barely enough energy to roll over in bed, let alone do anything else. But you can’t sleep. All you can do is lie in bed, with everything I’ve just said going round and round in your head.

You want to socialise, you want to ‘snap out of it’. But you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone. You don’t want to put your problems on them. You don’t want to bring them down. You don’t want to be a burden. Yet locking yourself away doesn't help. It's a vicious circle.

So all you can do is lie there, hoping that when you do eventually manage to get to sleep, you’ll wake up and the dark cloud will have lifted.

A&E

I was taken by ambulance to hospital last week. Turns out I damaged a ligament in my back by putting a joint out of place. I was staying at a friend's house, when I realised I couldn't move. I tried standing up, but the pain was too much. So an ambulance was quickly called.

The paramedics were two men. They seemed nice enough. But even though I was in a lot of pain, the fact that I was in an enclosed space with two unknown men made me very uncomfortable. I was very relieved when my friend decided to come with me in the ambulance. If she hadn't, I think I would have had a panic attack.

My blood pressure was extremely high. The fact that one of the men kept leaning over me and touching my back didn't help. I had to remind myself; 'these men are doing their job. These men are here to help me'. It was still difficult though.

It's no secret that I'm uncomfortable around men. I'm extremely wary of them. I realise that this isn't fair to men, as most men wouldn't hurt a woman. But I can't help it - men that I don't know make me uncomfortable. It took me a long time to be comfortable around my male friends at uni. There was no way I was going to be comfortable around these two paramedics.

I was given morphine and gas to help ease the pain. It didn't work. I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I didn't want to be out of it? Yes, I wanted the pain to go away, but I didn't want to be knocked out, I needed to be aware of what was going on around me, what they were doing.

The paramedics said the pain musn't be that bad if I'm still paying attention to my surroundings. I was desperately trying to hold back my tears and stop myself from telling him that this was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life - and I've felt a lot of pain, haven broken bones, torn muscles, used to be a self-harmer etc. I just had to know what they were doing, I couldn't afford to let myself become knocked-out and vulnerable.

Luckily, when we got to the hospital, my Mum was there waiting for me. I was put in a room and given 5 different painkillers to take as well as some more gas. That did the trick. I was pretty out of it. I seem to remember telling my Mum that I felt like the caterpillar from Alice In Wonderland, because I kept inhaling the gas.

After about 6 hours I was sent home, with an appointment to see a chiropracter on Friday.

Thinking back now, I feel sorry for the paramedics. They were doing their jobs, they were helping me. But I let my fears take over and wouldn't let them do their jobs. I guess it's something I have to work on. I need to get it through my head - most men are not evil. Most men are not rapists. Most men are nice. It's just difficult for me to actually believe that. But I'm working on it.

Me

Recurring nightmare

I have a recurring nightmare. I have it at least once a week, normally more.

In my nightmare, I'm preparing to go on a game show. I'm ushered in to a small room and I await my turn to go on stage. There's a TV in the little room, so I can see what's going on stage. As I watch the TV, I start to become more and more nervous. Eventually, someone comes to fetch me and I have to walk through another room backstage. His wife and parents are in this room. They stop talking and glare at me as I walk past. I can see the pain behind their eyes. They start whispering to each other.

'There she is, it's all her fault.'

Their eyes follow me as I'm led from the room. I can feel their hatred towards me seeping in to my soul. I try not to think about it, but a thought runs through my head; 'it's because of me that they're hurting'.

I'm taken on to the stage and have to sit in a booth. In front of me I can see the audience; one side of the audience consists of my friends and family. The other side consists of his friends and family. There are also some strangers with no connection to either of us; they just want to be in the audience of the show.

On the stage to the right of me are the judging panel. There are about 6 of them. All of them are sitting there, staring at me. He is sitting in another booth to the left of me.

The host of the game show starts to ask questions, trying to burn holes into both of our stories. He makes jokes as he asks the questions. I'm trying desperately not to cry, while he is sitting there; laughing along to the jokes. He looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. It's just a game show.

When we've finished answering the questions, it's time for the panel to talk amongst themselves. They have to decide who they believe.

While they're deciding, a band comes to play on stage. Everyone is enjoying themselves. I'm sitting in my booth, shaking. I can't understand how people can be enjoying this so-called show. How can they be listening to music, while something so momentous is going on?

Once the panel has reached their decision, the host asks the audience what they think. The audience has to press a button, and their verdict comes up on a graph on a screen. Most of the audience votes 'innocent'. The host then says 'well we know what the audience think, but what do the panel say? Remember, it's their vote that counts.'

Just as the panel are about to deliver their verdict, I wake up.

I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to work out what the dream is about and why it has me so upset. I wake up with sweat running off me, shaking. I have to remind myself that it was just a dream.

As a child, I thought the world of him. As a teenager I feared him. As an adult I will face him.

I'm very aware that my dream represents my teenage fear. I just need to remind myself that I will not be facing him as a child or a teenager. He has no hold over me anymore. I am an adult, and I have a team of people around me that are in my corner fighting with me.

He doesn't so much scare me. I can face him. In fact I want to face him. I want to put my adolescent fears to rest and face him as the strong woman I am now. He does not scare me. But the thought that he could get away with what he has done terrifies me.

Me