Worry

In the next week and a half I will hear from my liason officer about what's happening with the trial, if there is a trial. Will he plead guilty to all accounts and go straight to jail, but serve a lesser sentence? Will he plead guilty to some charges and innocent to others? In which case he will still go to jail (due to the other chargers) but I will need to testify against him. Or will he plead innocent to all 40+ chargers? In which case I will need to testify, as well as other people. If that is the case, the chances of him being found innocent are next to nothing, as the evidence for some of the chargers are overwhelming. If he does choose this option, then when he is found guilty, he will serve a longer sentence.

So this is playing on my mind a lot at the moment. I know it is out of my control, I have no say in what happens. But my mind is playing through all the scenarios. Will he plead guilty? Will he plead innocent? Will I have to face him in court? Will I have to relive all those moments in front of everyone? Moments that I can barely bring myself to talk about in detail with my psychologist, friends and family, but will have to tell a room full of strangers. Not just strangers, but the defense, who will do everything s/he can to break me down and convince everyone that I'm lying.

That terrifies me. For almost all of my life, he has had a hold over me, he has abused me, he has raped me. And now, possibly, I will have to relive every single moment in a court full of strangers. I've heard some people say that going to court and being questioned and interrogated by the defense is like being raped again. And I can already see what they mean. I will have to tell them my worst memories, relive them and then argue against the defense as s/he tries to convince people that I am lying, that the abuse never happened, that my pain and suffering aren't real.

There is no best case scenario either. If he pleads guilty he gets a shorter prison sentence. If he pleads innocent I will get ripped apart and stomped on in the trial. For me, it's a lose-lose situation, as far as my mental health goes anyway. I guess it's a win-win in that either way he will go to jail, it just depends for how long.

So yes, it's on my mind a lot at the minute. I'm trying not to think about it, but how can I not?

It's leaving me completely exhausted and tense. My depression and PTSD are quite active at the minute because of it. Which means that it's difficult to study.

No matter how much I study, it's not enough. I'm working so hard, pushing myself to my limits to get this studying done. I'm using every ounce of energy and motivation I have. Which leaves me completely exhausted and depleted. And yet the studying that I can manage to do is no where near enough.

People keep telling me I need to study more, that time is running out, that the exams are looming. I know this. And I am doing my hardest. Everything I write and remember is a huge achievement for me, it is something to be celebrated. But it's not enough. I am doing as much as I physically can without causing myself to have a breakdown. I am working the hardest I can, I am working so hard that I am empty of everything else. But it's not enough.

I know I should feel angry at him for putting me in this position. I know if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have PTSD and I wouldn't be pushing myself to the absolute limits with almost no noticeable results. Yet I'm just too exhausted to feel angry. I'm too exhausted to feel much of anything. Except worry.

Worry about what news my police liason officer will bring. Worry about what my next nightmare will be about. Worry about facing him. Worry about being pushed to break down in court. Worry about not studying enough. Worry about failing my exams. Worry about having another panic attack. Worry about being a dissapointment - to myself, my friends and my family.

Me

Fighting

I had a nightmare last night. Haven't had one of those in a while. It was a horrific nightmare as well. Sometimes they're not so bad - yes, when I wake up from them it leaves me a bit shaky, but I can shrug it off. But the nightmare last night... it was a bad one. I couldn't get back to sleep again afterwards, every time I closed my eyes I saw the images from the dream. I knew it wasn't real, knew it was just a dream, but it left me very shaken. I was up for almost 5 hours, before eventually being able to fall asleep again around 6am.

This of course meant I was out of sorts all day. Even when I woke up afterwards, the nightmare still lingered. I could feel it going round and round in my head. Every time I tried to think, tried to focus on my studies, those images would pop back up. I couldn't block them out. It seemed the harder I tried to forget them and focus on something else, the more they tried to claw their way to my consciousness.

The only way I could stop them was to watch TV. Not even educational TV, but TV that I could switch my mind off to. Something that didn't require me to think, something I could switch off to. I could switch my brain off and just let the images of the TV push down the images of my nightmare.

It works. But it's not exactly great - I need to study. I have exams coming up. I'm already worried about them as it is (think everyone taking exams worries about them!). The last thing I need is to not be able to study because of PTSD.

I know I need to be strong. I am fighting PTSD. I am fighting depression. I am fighting to stay focused on my studies. And I'm fighting him (legally, obviously).

It's just... it's a lot of fighting. It leaves me exhausted. It leaves me tired, so very tired.

I love my course. I absolutely love it. I find it fascinating and I want to pursue a career in it. It's just difficult, because when I least expect it, a flashback will happen, or I'll have a nightmare that leaves me shaken for the entire day.

I'm tired of fighting. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. And if I have to fight to enjoy life, well then so be it.

I'm just so tired of fighting.

V

Struggles

Sometimes I have difficulty finding words. I have all these thoughts and emotions going round and round in my head, but it becomes almost impossible to focus on one and to understand what it is that's going through my mind. Which makes it difficult to concentrate and focus on work.

All in all, I'm doing a lot better. But I'm still struggling. The struggle is getting easier with time, but it's still tough.

I feel better about him as a person - I'm not afraid of him, I know he's not a monster. He's just a man. A man that did evil things, but still a man. He can't hurt me anymore. He doesn't scare me anymore. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I'm trying to forgive him. I've taken the first step and I've prayed for him since that first time. I pray that he sees that what he did was wrong, I pray that he accepts that he needs to face justive. I also pray that he will manage to heal, that he finds God.

I'm reading a book about forgiveness at the minute. About what it means to forgive someone, to foreswear resentment. I don't wish him harm, but I want him to pay for what he did, I want justice to be done. Which, according to this book, is a good thing - forgiveness and justice aren't polar opposites of each other. What I do want to know, and which hopefully this book will help me understand, is can you forgive someone who doesn't believe they've done anything wrong?

I don't know how he feels. I don't know if he regrets what he did - not in the sense that he was caught, but that he regrets his actions because they hurt someone, or several people. I know that he denied raping me, and there wasn't enough proof to charge him with that. But does that mean he thinks he didn't do anything wrong, or he knows what he did and is too scared to face the consequences?

I've also been entertaining the idea of seeing him. I know I will either see him in court or at his sentencing. But I want to talk to him, something which I think I can put a request in for if/when he's been found guilty. He has to accept this request of course. But I want to talk to him. I don't want to ask him why, because I know why. I was a vulnerable child that just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I do want to ask him if he regrets what he did, if he feels any remorse. Chances are that he doesn't - peadophiles don't tend to feel remorse. But I do think it will help with my closure. Maybe I will be able to finally put that to rest. Maybe I won't be able to forgive him (can you forgive someone that doesn't think they did anything wrong?), but I will have faced him. It might never happen of course.

So, I feel better about him as a person. He doesn't scare me anymore. What I still struggle with are the consequences of his actions. I still struggle with the 5 years of abuse and the rape. I still struggle with what he did to me and what he made me do. There are times when I'm not really thinking about anything, or I'm hanging out with my friends when wham, a memory will hit me.

It's the memories that I struggle with a lot. And the jumpiness. I'm easily startled and I'm quite guarded. I don't trust easily. My psychologist made a good point - I'm so busy keeping the 'bad men' away, that I don't let the good men come near me either. It's something I have to work on, something I want to work on. I struggle with depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Some days are extremely tough. I use unhealthy things as a crutch. Yes, I no longer self-harm, but I do have unhealthy crutches (like smoking). I need to learn to be able to cope with life without relying on self-destructive things. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, smoking is probably better than self-harm, drinking, sleeping around and/or drugs.

There's a lot going on at the moment, a lot of thoughts going through my mind - do I forgive him? Can I forgive him? Does he regret what he did? Will he plead guilty? Will there be a trial? Will he plead guilty? Will he accept to see me? Memories that ambush me, PTSD and depression rearing their ugly heads, relying on crutches, my trust issues etc. All of these things I struggle with daily. Which of course, makes it difficult to focus on university.

I struggle with compartmentalising my life and putting all of those things on a shelf so I can focus on my work. Which means that my attention span is limited, which means i have difficulty focusing. Which means that my work suffers. Which is frustrating. I know I could get a good degree if I didn't struggle with all of this - I'm not stupid. It frustrates me because I'm not able to give university my all. I'm not even able to give university 1/4 of my all, because most of me is fighting to get better, to beat my depression and PTSD and to recover from being an abuse and rape victim. So much energy is spent on gluing myself back together, that I have hardly no energy left for my work.

Which is extremely frustrating. And I do find myself blaming him for it - another sign that I haven't forgiven him yet. If it wasn't for him, I would likely be graduated by now, I wouldn't suffer from PTSD, my depression might not be so bad, I wouldn't have all these trust issues... the list goes on and on.

Which brings me back to forgiveness. I know I need closure, I know there's no point going 'what if' and 'if only'. I want to forgive him, I need to forgive him.

So, he as a person no longer scares me - I don't fear him. But I'm living with the consequences of what he did to me every day. It's a struggle, but I'm getting there. While some days may be tough, I do feel better all in all.

Apologies for the long, and slightly rambling, entry. I just needed to get my thoughts down.

Life

So he has been charged with over 40 offences. Some of them of those offences are for what he did to me (the childhood sexual abuse, not the rape).

Depending on what he pleads, there will most likely be a trial. He could plead not guitly to all of them, in which case there will be a trial. He could plead guilty to some and not guilty to others, in which case there will be a trial. Or he could plead guilty to all of them, in which case there won't be a trial and he would probably get a lesser sentence. He has between 2-3 months to decide.

Two or three months before I know what will happen. It is possible, even likely, that the trial would then happen in the summer. It's a long wait. It is difficult to live with all of this uncertainty. I do feel like I can't completely move on with my life, not until all of this is over, whatever the outcome may be.

However, I am moving forward with my life. It may always be at the back of my mind, but I am continuing with my life. I am at university. Soon I will have to decide what to do my dissertation on. I will have exams soon. I'm going on holiday with a friend at Easter. I have a social life. I am doing good.

This wasn't always the case - even as little as a few months ago I was locking myself away, avoiding my friends. I needed to be alone, to process what was happening. I couldn't face people - I didn't want to pretend to be alright, I didn't want to plaster on a fake smile. So I avoided most of my friends and became a recluse for a few weeks.

Luckily I have some pretty amazing friends, and they didn't stand for that. After all, a friend is someone who is there in the good times and the bad. With their help - and certain friends in particular - I managed to figure a few things out and I realised that I didn't want to be a recluse.

I like life. Yes, it is hard. Sometimes it seems impossibly difficult. Sometimes it seemed like the hits kept coming and I had no time to recover from the last hit, let alone deal with the latest one. But that's what life is. It's a rollercoaster with ups and downs. And my friends and family are on the that rollercoaster with me - there's no point trying to go through life alone. All you can do is enjoy the ups together, and comfort and be there for the downs.

But I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be living my life, with all of its ups and downs.

And slowly, so slowly, I am healing.

I prayed for him at church on Sunday. I wasn't planning on doing that. But while we were praying, it just seemed right to pray for him. It felt like the right time.

Afterwards, I realised that I had just taken the first step in forgiving him. I still have a long way to go. I don't forgive him for what he did, not yet. But I've taken the first step towards forgiveness. And it feels good. I feel good. I feel like I have let go of some the hatred that I have towards him, and I feel lighter, happier.

I still have a long, long way to go. But for now, life is good.

No means no

Sometimes other people's attitudes and beliefs towards rape surprise me. I know some people believe that a lot of reported rapes are for attention, or because women (or men) regret their actions the next morning. It seems a lot of people believe that if drinks are involved, then the woman is just regretting a one-night stand or doesn't remember consenting, therefore she is 'crying rape'.

Firstly - only 2% of all reported rapes are false. This means that if someone tells you they have been raped, no matter how 'unlikely' their story seems to be - it is most likely true.

Secondly. If your mothers/sisters/girlfriends were sitting in a bar and they had a few drinks, does this now mean that they are willing, that they want, to have sex with anyone that offers? Having a drink does not equal consent. Likewise being bought a drink does not equal consent. Men - have you ever bought a friend a drink, be it male or female? If yes, then did those friends expect to have sex with you? If you had refused, would it still be okay for them to force themselves on you because 'you were asking for it'?

Thirdly - if a person doesn't remember that they had sex, then that means that they were unable to consent to having sex. This means that they would have had so much to drink that they wouldn't have been aware of their surroundings and actions. They would not have been able to give consent. If they weren't able to give their consent - it is rape.

Fourthly. I have heard people say 'wearing those clothes, well she was asking for it'. It shouldn't matter what clothes someone is wearing. Rape is rape. I remember in school that someone did a sponsored streak - does this mean that whoever saw her had the right to rape her? If a woman wears a short skirt or a tight top, it does not mean that she has to sleep with every man that looks at her. No matter how revealing a woman's clothing is - she still owns her own body and has the right to choose who she sleeps with. Just because someone wears something short and/or tight does not mean that men then own her and can take what they please.

Stop thinking about how the rape victim could have prevented it. In doing so, you are blaming her (or him) for being raped. You should be blaming the rapist. The rapist is the one that forced himself on to someone else. The rapist is the one that violated someone else. The rapist is the one that broke the law. The blame lies 100% on him.

Women shouldn't have to suffer in case they are raped - they shouldn't have to worry 'if I wear these clothes will someone force his penis inside me?' or 'if I have a drink with my friends, will someone attack me?' Instead men should be thinking 'she said no, so I will not rape her'. Not 'she said no, but I bought her a drink, so she wants it really.'

Think about it - in which other crimes are the victims blamed? Oh, he stole some money so he deserves to be murdered. Oh, he's given money to charity, so it's okay to steal from him, he doesn't mind giving it away. Victims of crime are not at fault. Perpetrators of crime are to blame.

So instead of blaming the victim, blame the rapist. He is the one that did something wrong, he is the one that broke the law, he is the one that (physically or emotionally) hurt a person.

Charges

I've just heard from my police liason officer. He's not being charged for raping me. He is being charged for other things, which I can't go in to detail about just yet. But when I can, I will write it here.

But he's not being charged for raping me. There's not enough evidence. To say I'm dissapointed is an understatement. I feel pretty deflated. Everything I went through, everything he put me through, and he's not being charged for it. I wanted my day in court - I wanted to face him, to show him that he hasn't beaten me, that I'm a survivor and that I'm strong. I wanted to stand up to him, I wanted to look at him and show him that he doesn't scare me.

That's been taken away from me. And I feel empty right now.

But, like I said, he is being charged with other things. I can't go into detail, but I will keep you updated.

I will, however, say that despite not being charged for raping me, overall it's a cause for celebration. Even though right now I don't feel like celebrating - a good thing has happened and my faith in the justice system has been restored.

God

Sometimes it's difficult to see the light when you're surrounded in darkness. There times when I feel so overwhelmed by everything, I can barely breath. There are times when I don't know how I'm going to make it. There are times when I feel almost buried by everything.

But then I feel it. His love for me. He gives me strength. He gives me courage. He forgives. I know that He is hurting for me as well, that when my tears fall, so do His. I know that He feels my pain. And I know that all the pain I'm feeling isn't even a fraction of the pain that He went through to save me.

I know I don't talk about it often. And people often ask me how I can be a Christian when He 'allowed' me to be abused and raped. To those people, please read my entry on it here.

So, I know I don't talk about it often. But God gives me my strength to keep fighting.

I know that all the suffering that we go through as human beings is nothing compared to the suffering that He went through to save us.

He loves me. He loves me so much that He died for me to take away my sins, so that I could be with Him forever.

His love and forgiveness gives me the strength to keep fighting. He gives me the courage to never give up. It is because of Him that I make it through those times that are the most desperate, because I know that no matter what, He will always love me.

He is there for me, in my darkest hour and in my finest moments.

And that is truly amazing.