Thursday 30 June 2011

Six years

It has been exactly 6 years since I was raped. Six years. It feels like it was so long ago, yet it also feels like it was only yesterday. I thought I would be 'over' it by now. Not that I think you can ever be 'over' something like this - I just thought that at least I would have learnt how to live with it. Instead, I can still hear his voice and I can still feel his touch. No matter how many showers I have, I will never be clean. No matter what I try and do to block it out, the memories will always find a way to seep into my conscious thoughts.

It started when I was 12. The grooming was a long and slow process. But bit by bit he gained more control over me. Soon I was being sexually exploited. Eventually, the abuse culminated with him raping me when I was 17.

For years I lived with this secret. It was only recently that I started telling people - including my parents, what had happened to me all those years ago. Until then, it had been a massive burden, affecting my every day life.

Although if I'm honest, it is still affecting me. This past week especially. My sleep has been plagued with nightmares, which means I've hardly been sleeping. I'm exhausted. I also have big, black circles under my eyes. I'm avoiding mirrors at the minute - I don't want to see what I look like. I also don't want to look myself in the eye, for fear of bursting in to tears. I'm trying to be strong about everything, but it feels like my walls are slowly crumbling. The last thing I want to do is cry - I fear I may never stop.

I'm on holiday with my Dad at the minute. I don't think he realises what day it is. I don't blame him - my parents know the bare facts about what happened. I don't have the strength to go in to any details with them and they don't want to push me. So they know I was groomed and raped, but that's all. I want to keep it that way - I want them to look at me and see me, not a rape victim.

But as I said - I'm on holiday with my Dad right now. It's our annual father-daughter holiday. The last thing I want to do is ruin it by breaking down. I love our holidays together, I don't want to ruin it. I know he wouldn't blame me at all, but I would blame myself. So I'm trying to keep it together.

I still can't believe it's been six years. A lot of the times, it feels like it happened just yesterday. For so long I tried to forget what happened, I buried it as deep as I could. But now I'm finally addressing it - and it's extremely difficult. Because I tried to forget for so long, I never allowed myself to heal, to try and move on from it. Only recently has the healing really started.

It's still a raw wound though - I'm nowehere near close to being healed. And days like today remind me of the fact that I have a long way to go. When I close my eyes, I see his face. I can hear those awful words he spoke. I can feel his hands.

So today is a difficult day. It's not an impossible day, but a difficult one. I survived the abuse; I will survive this day. I will overcome the pain, I will overcome my memories. I will survive.

Me