Me
Wednesday 19 October 2011
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Stronger
I think Laurie Halse Anderson hit the nail on the head when she said; 'I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this; these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?'
I can be enjoying myself and having a great day - talking with my friends, going to lectures. Just a normal day, but a good day. Then suddenly, it hits me. Wham. I was raped. The thought comes from nowhere. You try to surpress it, try to forget. But you can't. It's always there.
Sometimes I'm talking with my friends, we're having a laugh, just enjoying each other's company. Then I'm hit with a memory; I remember his hands, the feel of him. Or I'm watching a movie when suddenly I hear his voice, whispering to me. Or I'm sitting in a lecture when all of a sudden I remember the searing pain that I felt that night.
These thoughts, these memories, they come from nowhere, and they take over. Once you remember something, it's hard to stop other memories from flooding back.
It would be nice to go just one day without a memory invading my thoughts. He took so much from me, why does he have to keep taking my days now? I'm not even safe from him in my mind. He's always there. The memories of him are always there, lurking in the back of my mind. It's as if my brain is deliberately taunting me; waiting until I'm having a good time, before bombarding me with another memory.
It would be nice to go one day without thinking about him, thinking about what happened. I suppose it's normal - it's a part of my life that is still ongoing. As long as the police are still doing their thing and searching for evidence, as long as the CPS are deciding whether or not to go trial, it is still a big part of my life.
I suppose in some ways I have become stronger. In the past, these memories would overwhelm me. I would have to withdraw myself from everything and everyone while I dealt with it. It would leave me in a very bad place. Whereas now I can think to myself 'okay, it happened, you're remembering something, just breathe, realise that you can't hide from your past. Don't try to run from it, let yourself remember, then move on'.
Just because I'm haunted by memories, doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life. I just need to take a minute or two (or half an hour, or however long I need), to ride out the memory. Then I can continue with whatever it was I was doing. I'll be damned if I let him take more of my life than he already has. Yes, those memories will always throw me, but I can recover from them.
I feel stronger now. He completely broke me down, but through God I have found the strength to rebuild myself, and I know that with Him by my side (and my friends and family), I can face anything.
I can be enjoying myself and having a great day - talking with my friends, going to lectures. Just a normal day, but a good day. Then suddenly, it hits me. Wham. I was raped. The thought comes from nowhere. You try to surpress it, try to forget. But you can't. It's always there.
Sometimes I'm talking with my friends, we're having a laugh, just enjoying each other's company. Then I'm hit with a memory; I remember his hands, the feel of him. Or I'm watching a movie when suddenly I hear his voice, whispering to me. Or I'm sitting in a lecture when all of a sudden I remember the searing pain that I felt that night.
These thoughts, these memories, they come from nowhere, and they take over. Once you remember something, it's hard to stop other memories from flooding back.
It would be nice to go just one day without a memory invading my thoughts. He took so much from me, why does he have to keep taking my days now? I'm not even safe from him in my mind. He's always there. The memories of him are always there, lurking in the back of my mind. It's as if my brain is deliberately taunting me; waiting until I'm having a good time, before bombarding me with another memory.
It would be nice to go one day without thinking about him, thinking about what happened. I suppose it's normal - it's a part of my life that is still ongoing. As long as the police are still doing their thing and searching for evidence, as long as the CPS are deciding whether or not to go trial, it is still a big part of my life.
I suppose in some ways I have become stronger. In the past, these memories would overwhelm me. I would have to withdraw myself from everything and everyone while I dealt with it. It would leave me in a very bad place. Whereas now I can think to myself 'okay, it happened, you're remembering something, just breathe, realise that you can't hide from your past. Don't try to run from it, let yourself remember, then move on'.
Just because I'm haunted by memories, doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life. I just need to take a minute or two (or half an hour, or however long I need), to ride out the memory. Then I can continue with whatever it was I was doing. I'll be damned if I let him take more of my life than he already has. Yes, those memories will always throw me, but I can recover from them.
I feel stronger now. He completely broke me down, but through God I have found the strength to rebuild myself, and I know that with Him by my side (and my friends and family), I can face anything.
Saturday 15 October 2011
News
Thursday was a difficult day for me, things just got on top of me. I ended up locking myself away in my room, avoiding everyone and everything. Thursday was a day where I just couldn't function - I couldn't read, or write or watch movies; all I could do was retreat back in to myself and hope that the feeling would pass. Which it did, eventually.
For those that have never experienced a day like this, it's difficult to explain what it's like. You can't think, you can't eat, you can't move. All you can do is lie in bed, being overwhelmed by emotions and memories. All you can do is ride it out. Luckily it only lasted one day, and luckily I didn't have any lectures on the day either.
The police have been in touch with me. I heard from them last night, just as I was about to go out to a houseparty to celebrate the birthdays of two of my friends.
They said that they've found more evidence that directly relates to me, but they can't tell me what it is. They also said that they're currently backlogged and as such haven't been able to collect all the evidence. This means that they've had to move their appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service) back. This means that I won't know the CPS's decision on whether there's enough evidence to go to trial or not until mid-December.
I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the date changing. First I was told that this would be all over by August, then January, then March, then November, and now December. I have absolutely no idea what's going on and am completely in the dark. Dates keep changing, information keep changing - first I was told they'd collected all the evidence, now I've been told that actually, not all the evidence has been processed and not all the leads to more information and evidence have been followed.
How am I supposed to find any balance in my life when it seems like they don't even know what's going on?
Me
For those that have never experienced a day like this, it's difficult to explain what it's like. You can't think, you can't eat, you can't move. All you can do is lie in bed, being overwhelmed by emotions and memories. All you can do is ride it out. Luckily it only lasted one day, and luckily I didn't have any lectures on the day either.
The police have been in touch with me. I heard from them last night, just as I was about to go out to a houseparty to celebrate the birthdays of two of my friends.
They said that they've found more evidence that directly relates to me, but they can't tell me what it is. They also said that they're currently backlogged and as such haven't been able to collect all the evidence. This means that they've had to move their appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service) back. This means that I won't know the CPS's decision on whether there's enough evidence to go to trial or not until mid-December.
I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the date changing. First I was told that this would be all over by August, then January, then March, then November, and now December. I have absolutely no idea what's going on and am completely in the dark. Dates keep changing, information keep changing - first I was told they'd collected all the evidence, now I've been told that actually, not all the evidence has been processed and not all the leads to more information and evidence have been followed.
How am I supposed to find any balance in my life when it seems like they don't even know what's going on?
Me
Monday 10 October 2011
Night
I can't sleep. It's almost 4.30am. I've taken my sleeping tablets, but they don't seem to be kicking in. I'm meant to see the doctor about getting a higher dose, just until all this uncertainty about whether there will be a trial or not, is over. I really should make that appointment soon.
Instead, right now, I'm stuck with all my memories. I want to sleep, I want to drift in to a peaceful sleep and not have any nightmares. I want to dream about nice things - fluffy bunnies and angels. Unfortunately, I've not had those kind of dreams in a long time. Not since he stole my childhood from me.
It's the not knowing that's the hardest part. I've done all I could do. I told the police, I gave them all the information I could give. They gathered all the evidence they could find. Now it's just waiting. Will he see justice? It's the not knowing that's killing me.
I don't even care if he goes to prison for what he did to me, or for something else. I just want him locked up. I want him to face some kind of justice. He's a pedophile, so the chances are high that they'll find something incrimincating. I just hope it's enough to put him behind bars.
Mid-november seems like such a long time away. How am I meant to have a decent night's sleep, knowing all of this is up in the air? Not only do I need to sleep, I need to be functioning - I'm in my 2nd year of my degree, I need to focus on my work. It's not easy though.
Every time I close my eyes, I see him. It's not that I'm scared of him - not anymore. If he tried any of that sh*t that he used to do to me, he'd have another thing coming. I'd kick his ass. No, I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of the memory of him. It's the part of me that's still 12, 13, 14... 17 years old that's scared of him, the him of the past. When he did have power over me. It's the him in my nightmares that I'm scared of.
That's why I want to go to trial - I want to face him, once and for all. I want to look at him and think 'what a horrible, sleazy, pathetic excuse for a human-being'. I want to look him in the eye and have him realise that he hasn't ruined my life, that he doesn't have any control over me. I want to face him and I want him to face justice. I want him to realise that his actions have consequences, that he can't just go around abusing people, abusing kids.
I want to face reality and see him for the pathetic creature he is. In the meantime... in the meantime I'm stuck with the memories of a terrified child. In the meantime, I wait.
In the meantime I'm plagued with horrible thoughts. What if he's abused other kids in the past 5 years? I could have stopped that from happening if I had just told the police sooner. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't control what he does, who he hurts. In my head I know this. But in my heart... I know I will feel guilty if it turns out he's hurt other kids. It will feel like I could have stopped him, but didn't. By me not doing anything, he could have stolen another child's childhood. That weighs pretty heavy on my mind.
I just want this to be over. I just want to know, one way or the other, what will happen.
I just want a decent night's sleep.
Me
Instead, right now, I'm stuck with all my memories. I want to sleep, I want to drift in to a peaceful sleep and not have any nightmares. I want to dream about nice things - fluffy bunnies and angels. Unfortunately, I've not had those kind of dreams in a long time. Not since he stole my childhood from me.
It's the not knowing that's the hardest part. I've done all I could do. I told the police, I gave them all the information I could give. They gathered all the evidence they could find. Now it's just waiting. Will he see justice? It's the not knowing that's killing me.
I don't even care if he goes to prison for what he did to me, or for something else. I just want him locked up. I want him to face some kind of justice. He's a pedophile, so the chances are high that they'll find something incrimincating. I just hope it's enough to put him behind bars.
Mid-november seems like such a long time away. How am I meant to have a decent night's sleep, knowing all of this is up in the air? Not only do I need to sleep, I need to be functioning - I'm in my 2nd year of my degree, I need to focus on my work. It's not easy though.
Every time I close my eyes, I see him. It's not that I'm scared of him - not anymore. If he tried any of that sh*t that he used to do to me, he'd have another thing coming. I'd kick his ass. No, I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of the memory of him. It's the part of me that's still 12, 13, 14... 17 years old that's scared of him, the him of the past. When he did have power over me. It's the him in my nightmares that I'm scared of.
That's why I want to go to trial - I want to face him, once and for all. I want to look at him and think 'what a horrible, sleazy, pathetic excuse for a human-being'. I want to look him in the eye and have him realise that he hasn't ruined my life, that he doesn't have any control over me. I want to face him and I want him to face justice. I want him to realise that his actions have consequences, that he can't just go around abusing people, abusing kids.
I want to face reality and see him for the pathetic creature he is. In the meantime... in the meantime I'm stuck with the memories of a terrified child. In the meantime, I wait.
In the meantime I'm plagued with horrible thoughts. What if he's abused other kids in the past 5 years? I could have stopped that from happening if I had just told the police sooner. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't control what he does, who he hurts. In my head I know this. But in my heart... I know I will feel guilty if it turns out he's hurt other kids. It will feel like I could have stopped him, but didn't. By me not doing anything, he could have stolen another child's childhood. That weighs pretty heavy on my mind.
I just want this to be over. I just want to know, one way or the other, what will happen.
I just want a decent night's sleep.
Me
Saturday 1 October 2011
Recurring nightmare
I have a recurring nightmare. I have it at least once a week, normally more.
In my nightmare, I'm preparing to go on a game show. I'm ushered in to a small room and I await my turn to go on stage. There's a TV in the little room, so I can see what's going on stage. As I watch the TV, I start to become more and more nervous. Eventually, someone comes to fetch me and I have to walk through another room backstage. His wife and parents are in this room. They stop talking and glare at me as I walk past. I can see the pain behind their eyes. They start whispering to each other.
'There she is, it's all her fault.'
Their eyes follow me as I'm led from the room. I can feel their hatred towards me seeping in to my soul. I try not to think about it, but a thought runs through my head; 'it's because of me that they're hurting'.
I'm taken on to the stage and have to sit in a booth. In front of me I can see the audience; one side of the audience consists of my friends and family. The other side consists of his friends and family. There are also some strangers with no connection to either of us; they just want to be in the audience of the show.
On the stage to the right of me are the judging panel. There are about 6 of them. All of them are sitting there, staring at me. He is sitting in another booth to the left of me.
The host of the game show starts to ask questions, trying to burn holes into both of our stories. He makes jokes as he asks the questions. I'm trying desperately not to cry, while he is sitting there; laughing along to the jokes. He looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. It's just a game show.
When we've finished answering the questions, it's time for the panel to talk amongst themselves. They have to decide who they believe.
While they're deciding, a band comes to play on stage. Everyone is enjoying themselves. I'm sitting in my booth, shaking. I can't understand how people can be enjoying this so-called show. How can they be listening to music, while something so momentous is going on?
Once the panel has reached their decision, the host asks the audience what they think. The audience has to press a button, and their verdict comes up on a graph on a screen. Most of the audience votes 'innocent'. The host then says 'well we know what the audience think, but what do the panel say? Remember, it's their vote that counts.'
Just as the panel are about to deliver their verdict, I wake up.
I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to work out what the dream is about and why it has me so upset. I wake up with sweat running off me, shaking. I have to remind myself that it was just a dream.
As a child, I thought the world of him. As a teenager I feared him. As an adult I will face him.
I'm very aware that my dream represents my teenage fear. I just need to remind myself that I will not be facing him as a child or a teenager. He has no hold over me anymore. I am an adult, and I have a team of people around me that are in my corner fighting with me.
He doesn't so much scare me. I can face him. In fact I want to face him. I want to put my adolescent fears to rest and face him as the strong woman I am now. He does not scare me. But the thought that he could get away with what he has done terrifies me.
Me
In my nightmare, I'm preparing to go on a game show. I'm ushered in to a small room and I await my turn to go on stage. There's a TV in the little room, so I can see what's going on stage. As I watch the TV, I start to become more and more nervous. Eventually, someone comes to fetch me and I have to walk through another room backstage. His wife and parents are in this room. They stop talking and glare at me as I walk past. I can see the pain behind their eyes. They start whispering to each other.
'There she is, it's all her fault.'
Their eyes follow me as I'm led from the room. I can feel their hatred towards me seeping in to my soul. I try not to think about it, but a thought runs through my head; 'it's because of me that they're hurting'.
I'm taken on to the stage and have to sit in a booth. In front of me I can see the audience; one side of the audience consists of my friends and family. The other side consists of his friends and family. There are also some strangers with no connection to either of us; they just want to be in the audience of the show.
On the stage to the right of me are the judging panel. There are about 6 of them. All of them are sitting there, staring at me. He is sitting in another booth to the left of me.
The host of the game show starts to ask questions, trying to burn holes into both of our stories. He makes jokes as he asks the questions. I'm trying desperately not to cry, while he is sitting there; laughing along to the jokes. He looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. It's just a game show.
When we've finished answering the questions, it's time for the panel to talk amongst themselves. They have to decide who they believe.
While they're deciding, a band comes to play on stage. Everyone is enjoying themselves. I'm sitting in my booth, shaking. I can't understand how people can be enjoying this so-called show. How can they be listening to music, while something so momentous is going on?
Once the panel has reached their decision, the host asks the audience what they think. The audience has to press a button, and their verdict comes up on a graph on a screen. Most of the audience votes 'innocent'. The host then says 'well we know what the audience think, but what do the panel say? Remember, it's their vote that counts.'
Just as the panel are about to deliver their verdict, I wake up.
I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to work out what the dream is about and why it has me so upset. I wake up with sweat running off me, shaking. I have to remind myself that it was just a dream.
As a child, I thought the world of him. As a teenager I feared him. As an adult I will face him.
I'm very aware that my dream represents my teenage fear. I just need to remind myself that I will not be facing him as a child or a teenager. He has no hold over me anymore. I am an adult, and I have a team of people around me that are in my corner fighting with me.
He doesn't so much scare me. I can face him. In fact I want to face him. I want to put my adolescent fears to rest and face him as the strong woman I am now. He does not scare me. But the thought that he could get away with what he has done terrifies me.
Me
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