Stronger

I think Laurie Halse Anderson hit the nail on the head when she said; 'I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this; these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?'

I can be enjoying myself and having a great day - talking with my friends, going to lectures. Just a normal day, but a good day. Then suddenly, it hits me. Wham. I was raped. The thought comes from nowhere. You try to surpress it, try to forget. But you can't. It's always there.

Sometimes I'm talking with my friends, we're having a laugh, just enjoying each other's company. Then I'm hit with a memory; I remember his hands, the feel of him. Or I'm watching a movie when suddenly I hear his voice, whispering to me. Or I'm sitting in a lecture when all of a sudden I remember the searing pain that I felt that night.

These thoughts, these memories, they come from nowhere, and they take over. Once you remember something, it's hard to stop other memories from flooding back.

It would be nice to go just one day without a memory invading my thoughts. He took so much from me, why does he have to keep taking my days now? I'm not even safe from him in my mind. He's always there. The memories of him are always there, lurking in the back of my mind. It's as if my brain is deliberately taunting me; waiting until I'm having a good time, before bombarding me with another memory.

It would be nice to go one day without thinking about him, thinking about what happened. I suppose it's normal - it's a part of my life that is still ongoing. As long as the police are still doing their thing and searching for evidence, as long as the CPS are deciding whether or not to go trial, it is still a big part of my life.

I suppose in some ways I have become stronger. In the past, these memories would overwhelm me. I would have to withdraw myself from everything and everyone while I dealt with it. It would leave me in a very bad place. Whereas now I can think to myself 'okay, it happened, you're remembering something, just breathe, realise that you can't hide from your past. Don't try to run from it, let yourself remember, then move on'.

Just because I'm haunted by memories, doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life. I just need to take a minute or two (or half an hour, or however long I need), to ride out the memory. Then I can continue with whatever it was I was doing. I'll be damned if I let him take more of my life than he already has. Yes, those memories will always throw me, but I can recover from them.

I feel stronger now. He completely broke me down, but through God I have found the strength to rebuild myself, and I know that with Him by my side (and my friends and family), I can face anything.