What I've been doing

I haven't updated for quite a while, sorry about that.  I've just been trying to digest everything and wrap my head around the fact that he is going to jail.

Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened.  Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that.  Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail.  It's fantastic.  But I still have depression.  I still have PTSD.  I still have insomnia.  I still have anxiety.  Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.

I am getting there, but it's a long process.  I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago.  And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still.  One step at a time; one day at a time.

The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now?  For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown.  Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given.  It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?

Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement.  This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim.  I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well.  Peace of cake.  Except, it wasn't a piece of cake.  It was pretty difficult.

Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft.  That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started.  So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!).  However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.

I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank.  How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph?  That's a hell of a task.  The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank.  Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming.  Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.

What else have I been doing?  I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker.  I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it.  I enjoyed the act of smoking.  I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking.  But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life.  I don't want to keep hurting my body.  So, I stopped.  I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower.  A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking.  And she's right.

I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun.  It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.

And I've been grieving.  My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly.  Now I am.  I miss her terribly.  I talk to her.  I cry.  I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us.  I still can't believe that I will never see her again.  I will never hear her laugh.  We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate).  I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating.  It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal.  I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter.  Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife.  My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.

So I'm struggling with that.  And I'm trying to process everything.  This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail.  I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying.  How am I meant to deal with that?

I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail.  But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend.  I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it.  But I just miss her so much.

Tonight

I am very positive about the future, about my future.  I have no idea what will happen, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I actually have a future - I don't have this massive secret weighing me down, I don't spend all of my energy thinking about the trial.  I can actually put all of my energy in to fixing myself.

And that feels good.  So good.

However, it's going to be a long, long road.  Because the guilty verdict doesn't mean that I'll stop having flashbacks.  It doesn't mean that I'll stop hearing his voice in my head.  A guilty verdict doesn't undo what he did.  What a guilty verdict does mean is that I can finally stop being scared of him - he can never hurt me again.  A guilty verdict means that I can rebuild my life, and myself.  It means that I can finally start to heal.

But it is difficult.  Because people think 'why are you still depressed?  Why are you still suffering from PTSD?  Why are you still having nightmares?  He's behind bars, move on'.  They don't understand when I tell them that I'm still living with the consequences of his actions.  He is going to serve his time - justice has been won.  But I'm still living with the trauma.

It devastated me.  I don't often talk about it in detail, because I know how upsetting it is for my parents.  I know they read my blog, and I know that at times reading my blog is extremely painful for them.  But I need to tell the truth.

Childhood sexual abuse is devastating.  I was exposed to things I should never have been exposed to - not until I was sexually mature.  I wasn't, I was 12.  That is a long way from being sexually mature.  My view on sex was completely warped.  He taught me that love equals sex.  He taught me that friendship equals sex.  He taught me that my self-worth is intertwined with sex.  He taught me that in order to be valued, I need to give some sort of sexual favour.  Without sex, I was nothing.

He taught me that it doesn't matter whether or not I want to have sex - he would just take it anyway.  He made me rely on him completely.  He made me hate myself.

So I have a long, long way to go.  I am unlearning all of this filth that he taught me.  I am rebuilding myself.  I am learning to recognise healthy and non-healthy relationships.  I know that I am worth a hell of a lot better than the way I have been treated in the best.

In the past 13 years I have been looking to be loved, but I have been looking in all the wrong places.  I have clung on to anyone that showed me any sort of interest.  I have let myself be treated like dirt, because I thought that that was how you treated someone you love.  I thought that that was what love is.  I have done many, many things that I regret.  All because I was taught that the only way to be friends or to get someone to love me was by giving away my body.  So of course I attracted the wrong kind of people.

No more.  I am worth more than that.  I deserve better than that.  I deserve better than what I have been seeking.

I'm making a lot of steps towards a healthier, happier life.  But I still have a long way to go.  Tonight I am suffering from insomnia.  Tonight I had a flashback.  Tonight I head his voice.  But tonight I also realised that I wasn't scared.  That I am a survivor, and that life is going to get better.  Tonight I realised that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy of happiness and love, and I sure as hell won't settle for anything else.