Worry

In the next week and a half I will hear from my liason officer about what's happening with the trial, if there is a trial. Will he plead guilty to all accounts and go straight to jail, but serve a lesser sentence? Will he plead guilty to some charges and innocent to others? In which case he will still go to jail (due to the other chargers) but I will need to testify against him. Or will he plead innocent to all 40+ chargers? In which case I will need to testify, as well as other people. If that is the case, the chances of him being found innocent are next to nothing, as the evidence for some of the chargers are overwhelming. If he does choose this option, then when he is found guilty, he will serve a longer sentence.

So this is playing on my mind a lot at the moment. I know it is out of my control, I have no say in what happens. But my mind is playing through all the scenarios. Will he plead guilty? Will he plead innocent? Will I have to face him in court? Will I have to relive all those moments in front of everyone? Moments that I can barely bring myself to talk about in detail with my psychologist, friends and family, but will have to tell a room full of strangers. Not just strangers, but the defense, who will do everything s/he can to break me down and convince everyone that I'm lying.

That terrifies me. For almost all of my life, he has had a hold over me, he has abused me, he has raped me. And now, possibly, I will have to relive every single moment in a court full of strangers. I've heard some people say that going to court and being questioned and interrogated by the defense is like being raped again. And I can already see what they mean. I will have to tell them my worst memories, relive them and then argue against the defense as s/he tries to convince people that I am lying, that the abuse never happened, that my pain and suffering aren't real.

There is no best case scenario either. If he pleads guilty he gets a shorter prison sentence. If he pleads innocent I will get ripped apart and stomped on in the trial. For me, it's a lose-lose situation, as far as my mental health goes anyway. I guess it's a win-win in that either way he will go to jail, it just depends for how long.

So yes, it's on my mind a lot at the minute. I'm trying not to think about it, but how can I not?

It's leaving me completely exhausted and tense. My depression and PTSD are quite active at the minute because of it. Which means that it's difficult to study.

No matter how much I study, it's not enough. I'm working so hard, pushing myself to my limits to get this studying done. I'm using every ounce of energy and motivation I have. Which leaves me completely exhausted and depleted. And yet the studying that I can manage to do is no where near enough.

People keep telling me I need to study more, that time is running out, that the exams are looming. I know this. And I am doing my hardest. Everything I write and remember is a huge achievement for me, it is something to be celebrated. But it's not enough. I am doing as much as I physically can without causing myself to have a breakdown. I am working the hardest I can, I am working so hard that I am empty of everything else. But it's not enough.

I know I should feel angry at him for putting me in this position. I know if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have PTSD and I wouldn't be pushing myself to the absolute limits with almost no noticeable results. Yet I'm just too exhausted to feel angry. I'm too exhausted to feel much of anything. Except worry.

Worry about what news my police liason officer will bring. Worry about what my next nightmare will be about. Worry about facing him. Worry about being pushed to break down in court. Worry about not studying enough. Worry about failing my exams. Worry about having another panic attack. Worry about being a dissapointment - to myself, my friends and my family.

Me

Fighting

I had a nightmare last night. Haven't had one of those in a while. It was a horrific nightmare as well. Sometimes they're not so bad - yes, when I wake up from them it leaves me a bit shaky, but I can shrug it off. But the nightmare last night... it was a bad one. I couldn't get back to sleep again afterwards, every time I closed my eyes I saw the images from the dream. I knew it wasn't real, knew it was just a dream, but it left me very shaken. I was up for almost 5 hours, before eventually being able to fall asleep again around 6am.

This of course meant I was out of sorts all day. Even when I woke up afterwards, the nightmare still lingered. I could feel it going round and round in my head. Every time I tried to think, tried to focus on my studies, those images would pop back up. I couldn't block them out. It seemed the harder I tried to forget them and focus on something else, the more they tried to claw their way to my consciousness.

The only way I could stop them was to watch TV. Not even educational TV, but TV that I could switch my mind off to. Something that didn't require me to think, something I could switch off to. I could switch my brain off and just let the images of the TV push down the images of my nightmare.

It works. But it's not exactly great - I need to study. I have exams coming up. I'm already worried about them as it is (think everyone taking exams worries about them!). The last thing I need is to not be able to study because of PTSD.

I know I need to be strong. I am fighting PTSD. I am fighting depression. I am fighting to stay focused on my studies. And I'm fighting him (legally, obviously).

It's just... it's a lot of fighting. It leaves me exhausted. It leaves me tired, so very tired.

I love my course. I absolutely love it. I find it fascinating and I want to pursue a career in it. It's just difficult, because when I least expect it, a flashback will happen, or I'll have a nightmare that leaves me shaken for the entire day.

I'm tired of fighting. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. And if I have to fight to enjoy life, well then so be it.

I'm just so tired of fighting.

V