Sometimes

I have good days and bad days. A lot of the time, the reason why I'm having a bad day is because of him and what he did to me. I find myself lost in memories, overcome by anger etc. However, sometimes; a bad day is just a bad day. Not everything in my life is linked to him. Sometimes I can't sleep and I have no idea why. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood and it has nothing whatsoever to do with him.

My parents are just discovering this. Lately, a lot of times when I have been feeling down it has been because of him. My parents know that. They see my pain and it hurts them. So when I was in a bad mood the other day, they asked me why, they asked me to talk to them. I told them I didn't know why, that I was just in a bad mood, that I was tired etc. They, of course, didn't believe me. They sat me down for a chat and told me I could tell them anything. I told them that I know (I lucked out with my parents, they're pretty awesome), but that I was just tired and there was nothing more to it than that.

Which of course, they didn't believe.

Sometimes, a bad mood (or a bad day, or being tired), is just a bad mood.

Now, moving on. I've started smoking again. I had quit for over 3 months. Then I started again a few weeks ago. I was feeling down and stressed (and this time it was because of him), and I went out and bought a packet of cigarettes. It felt so good.

I don't want to be a smoker all my life. But at the minute there is so much uncertainty in my life - will this or won't this go to trial, will he get away with what he did, will he stop haunting my dreams etc. Smoking is a coping mechanism. Probably not a great coping mechanism, but it's better than self-harming, or making myself sick, or starving myself. All of which I used to do. It seemed like the lesser of the evils.

Me

Can't sleep

Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping. For a while, when the doctor put me on sleeping tablets, this problem went away. Most of the time it still works. Most of the time I'll be knocked out within 3 hours of taking the tablets. Some nights though, they don't seem to work. Some nights it feels as if my brain is refusing to let me sleep, because it needs to take a time out and try and process my feelings about him.

Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights. It doesn't matter what I do, my body refuses to let me sleep. Over the years I've learnt every trick in the book to try and stop myself from thinking about him. Then I realised - maybe I should stop that. Maybe I do need to think about him. I need to work through my feelings towards him. I need to stop putting my head in the sand. I need to face him.

I hate him. I really hate him. He stole my innocence. He stole my childhood. I feel such anger towards him.

Yet I know I need to forgive him. This anger that is inside of me, this hatred that I feel towards him, it isn't healthy. It's not good for me. I need to be able to forgive him. I just don't know how. I'm working on it though. But in order to do that, I need to face him.

I want to see him again. I want to be able to look him in the eye and make him realise I am not a scared little girl anymore. I want him to see that he hasn't destroyed me. But more than anything, I want to be able to ask him 'why'. I know that won't happen though. If we do go to trial, there will be no communication between the two of us. Everything will be done through lawyers. And if we don't go to trial...

I do wish I could talk to him, ask him why he did it, if he feels any regret, if he's at all sorry. After all, how can I forgive someone that has no remorse? But a part of me knows that I will probably never get the chance to ask him these questions.

So, I need to figure out a way to let myself be at peace with what happened without speaking to him and getting 'closure'. Yet I'm aware that 'closure' may never come, in which case I need to find a way to live with this, without it keeping me awake at night.

Me

Wondering

My Police liason officer (PLO) contacted me yesterday. He said that they brought 'the suspect' in for more questioning but that he refused to even say one word. So the police have made an appointment with the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service). It takes 4 weeks to get an appointment. They will then present all the evidence they have to them. It will then take a further 4 weeks for the CPS to decide whether there's enough evidence to take him to trial or not.

So that's 8 weeks in total, which means I'll know by mid-November.

However, I've decided I'm going to ignore the timetable that the police keep giving me. It keeps changing! First I was told I would know by mid-summer whether it would go trial or not. Then it was going to be early in 2012. Now it's mid-November.

Wondering when I'll find out whether there will be a trial and when that trial will be is stressing me out. So I'm going to try and stop myself from thinking about it. I know it won't work, but all this wondering isn't doing me any good. All I can think about is 'when will I know?'

This waiting game is horrible. All this wondering. So I'm going to do my best not to think about it, until I know for definite.

I doubt it will work, but still, I have to try. I need to live my life, not sit there wondering what's going to happen.

Me

Why?

I wonder about him sometimes. I wonder about what happened to him to turn him in to the man that he is. What causes a man to find children attractive? What causes a man to be so selfish that he thinks nothing of destroying innocence?

True, when he raped me I was 17. I was hardly a child. But the abuse started long before that. He sought me out as a child, he found me attractive as a child. I was a child. I was 12 years old - how can a man be attracted to a 12 year old?

I try to forget what happened between those years of meeting him and him raping me. Sometimes it's easier to think of the rape, than the years of abuse. It's difficult to think that not only am I a 'rape victim' (or 'rape survivor') but I am also a victim of child sexual abuse. Sometimes the weight of that weighs heavily. It's difficult to think about my childhood, because the abuse was interlinked with almost everything.

Don't get me wrong, the rape was horrible. It was devastating. Not just because he was my first, but because I knew then that I had no control of my body, that people are capable of taking with no regard for others. Those few hours haunt me, and I don't think I will ever quite 'get over it'.

But he tainted every part of my childhood. I have happy memories of my childhood, of course I do. But at the edge of every happy memory, he is lurking.

And I wonder, what made him become so evil? What made him not care that he was hurting me? I know people are selfish, I understand that. But what makes someone so selfish that they can abuse and hurt another human being for years? What makes someone so cold that they don't care about the damage that they are causing?

This man is a father himself. I think that's what gets to me the most. He has a daughter. How can he hurt someone else's child the way he did, when he would lay his life down for his own child?

What went through his mind as he was hurting me? Or did I just truly not matter to him at all. Was I completely inconsequential to him? Did I not even register as human to him?

I want to know why he did it. Because the answer that he is a pedophile just isn't enough.

Me

Insomnia

I am currently on holiday and using my mobile phone to update my blog. Ah, the wonders of the modern world. I do apologise for any spelling mistakes - using the keypad on my phone isn't the easiest of things.

It's currently gone 3am where I am. I can't sleep. He keeps popping in to my head just as I'm drifting to sleep. This of course makes me jerk awake. So, sleep is impossible. What can I do instead?

Not much. The friend that I'm staying with is asleep in the next room, with no door between our rooms. So watching TV is out of the question. Before you suggest watching it with no sound; I'm in Finland, any subtitles that a show will have is in Finnish. I do not speak or read Finnish. Besides, I doubt there's anything interesting on at this time of the morning anyway.

So TV is out of the question. As is using her laptop to browse the net - it's password protected. So no laptop. What about reading? I've just finished the only book I brought with me. Besides, the light would probably wake her up.

As you can see, there's not much I can do to distract myself. I'll have to stop using my phone to go online soon as well, as it will be costing me a fortune.

It seems that I'm stuck with nothing but unwelcome memories tonight.

I just want to sleep. I'm meant to be up reasonably early tomorrow to do touristy things with my friend. I'm going to be absolutely exhausted. Great.

Why won't my past stop haunting me? Why won't it let me enjoy these few days I have with my friend?

I just want to sleep. Can't he leave me alone for one weekend? He's taken so much from me already, why does the memory of him have to take this weekend as well?

Me

A long wait

The police contacted me today. They told me that because of the riots, my case has been put on hold. They need all the man-power possible to gather evidence and convict the rioters. I can completely understand that - the public needs to feel safe and secure, they need to see that these criminals are dealt with.

However, just because I understand it, doesn't mean I like it. I was told that they'll pick my case back up in January. The trial (if they decide there's enough evidence) will be held around June. That's a hell of a long wait. I had been told that it will all be over by December, instead I've been told I'll have to wait almost a whole year.

My parents think that it's a good thing, as it means that the trial will happen after my exams. I don't feel that way. I want it over with. Instead, I now have to live with another year of uncertainty, of waiting. I want to be able to close the chapter on this part of my life. I don't want to constantly think, 'do they have enough evidence?' or 'what will the prosecution be like?' or 'I hope I don't cry on the stand'. I want it to be over.

Instead, I have another year for my imagination to run wild. I'm picturing the trial as you see it on TV; with a bored judge, a defender from hell and him, sneering and gloating at me. My mind is automatically conjuring up all the worst-case scenarios; not enough evidence to go to trial, the defence destroying me, him being found innocent, him being given only a caution. I now have another year to imagine what it will be like to see him face-to-face after all this time.

I have nightmares about seeing him in court, where no one believes me and he's seen as the victim, even while he's raping me in plain sight of everyone.

So no, I don't think it's a good thing that I have to wait another 10 months. I want it to be over. I don't want to be in limbo, I don't want to live with this uncertainty. I just want it to be over, one way or another. If they don't have enough evidence, I want them to tell me now. I want to know if we're going to court. If we are going to court, I want it happen sooner rather than later, so I can try and move on with my life and focus on the future.

How am I supposed to try and 'move on' with my life while I have this hanging over me for another 10 months? How am I supposed to focus on the future when my past is hanging over me like a black cloud, refusing to leave?

Me