Can't sleep

Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping. For a while, when the doctor put me on sleeping tablets, this problem went away. Most of the time it still works. Most of the time I'll be knocked out within 3 hours of taking the tablets. Some nights though, they don't seem to work. Some nights it feels as if my brain is refusing to let me sleep, because it needs to take a time out and try and process my feelings about him.

Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights. It doesn't matter what I do, my body refuses to let me sleep. Over the years I've learnt every trick in the book to try and stop myself from thinking about him. Then I realised - maybe I should stop that. Maybe I do need to think about him. I need to work through my feelings towards him. I need to stop putting my head in the sand. I need to face him.

I hate him. I really hate him. He stole my innocence. He stole my childhood. I feel such anger towards him.

Yet I know I need to forgive him. This anger that is inside of me, this hatred that I feel towards him, it isn't healthy. It's not good for me. I need to be able to forgive him. I just don't know how. I'm working on it though. But in order to do that, I need to face him.

I want to see him again. I want to be able to look him in the eye and make him realise I am not a scared little girl anymore. I want him to see that he hasn't destroyed me. But more than anything, I want to be able to ask him 'why'. I know that won't happen though. If we do go to trial, there will be no communication between the two of us. Everything will be done through lawyers. And if we don't go to trial...

I do wish I could talk to him, ask him why he did it, if he feels any regret, if he's at all sorry. After all, how can I forgive someone that has no remorse? But a part of me knows that I will probably never get the chance to ask him these questions.

So, I need to figure out a way to let myself be at peace with what happened without speaking to him and getting 'closure'. Yet I'm aware that 'closure' may never come, in which case I need to find a way to live with this, without it keeping me awake at night.

Me