Life

So he has been charged with over 40 offences. Some of them of those offences are for what he did to me (the childhood sexual abuse, not the rape).

Depending on what he pleads, there will most likely be a trial. He could plead not guitly to all of them, in which case there will be a trial. He could plead guilty to some and not guilty to others, in which case there will be a trial. Or he could plead guilty to all of them, in which case there won't be a trial and he would probably get a lesser sentence. He has between 2-3 months to decide.

Two or three months before I know what will happen. It is possible, even likely, that the trial would then happen in the summer. It's a long wait. It is difficult to live with all of this uncertainty. I do feel like I can't completely move on with my life, not until all of this is over, whatever the outcome may be.

However, I am moving forward with my life. It may always be at the back of my mind, but I am continuing with my life. I am at university. Soon I will have to decide what to do my dissertation on. I will have exams soon. I'm going on holiday with a friend at Easter. I have a social life. I am doing good.

This wasn't always the case - even as little as a few months ago I was locking myself away, avoiding my friends. I needed to be alone, to process what was happening. I couldn't face people - I didn't want to pretend to be alright, I didn't want to plaster on a fake smile. So I avoided most of my friends and became a recluse for a few weeks.

Luckily I have some pretty amazing friends, and they didn't stand for that. After all, a friend is someone who is there in the good times and the bad. With their help - and certain friends in particular - I managed to figure a few things out and I realised that I didn't want to be a recluse.

I like life. Yes, it is hard. Sometimes it seems impossibly difficult. Sometimes it seemed like the hits kept coming and I had no time to recover from the last hit, let alone deal with the latest one. But that's what life is. It's a rollercoaster with ups and downs. And my friends and family are on the that rollercoaster with me - there's no point trying to go through life alone. All you can do is enjoy the ups together, and comfort and be there for the downs.

But I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be living my life, with all of its ups and downs.

And slowly, so slowly, I am healing.

I prayed for him at church on Sunday. I wasn't planning on doing that. But while we were praying, it just seemed right to pray for him. It felt like the right time.

Afterwards, I realised that I had just taken the first step in forgiving him. I still have a long way to go. I don't forgive him for what he did, not yet. But I've taken the first step towards forgiveness. And it feels good. I feel good. I feel like I have let go of some the hatred that I have towards him, and I feel lighter, happier.

I still have a long, long way to go. But for now, life is good.

No means no

Sometimes other people's attitudes and beliefs towards rape surprise me. I know some people believe that a lot of reported rapes are for attention, or because women (or men) regret their actions the next morning. It seems a lot of people believe that if drinks are involved, then the woman is just regretting a one-night stand or doesn't remember consenting, therefore she is 'crying rape'.

Firstly - only 2% of all reported rapes are false. This means that if someone tells you they have been raped, no matter how 'unlikely' their story seems to be - it is most likely true.

Secondly. If your mothers/sisters/girlfriends were sitting in a bar and they had a few drinks, does this now mean that they are willing, that they want, to have sex with anyone that offers? Having a drink does not equal consent. Likewise being bought a drink does not equal consent. Men - have you ever bought a friend a drink, be it male or female? If yes, then did those friends expect to have sex with you? If you had refused, would it still be okay for them to force themselves on you because 'you were asking for it'?

Thirdly - if a person doesn't remember that they had sex, then that means that they were unable to consent to having sex. This means that they would have had so much to drink that they wouldn't have been aware of their surroundings and actions. They would not have been able to give consent. If they weren't able to give their consent - it is rape.

Fourthly. I have heard people say 'wearing those clothes, well she was asking for it'. It shouldn't matter what clothes someone is wearing. Rape is rape. I remember in school that someone did a sponsored streak - does this mean that whoever saw her had the right to rape her? If a woman wears a short skirt or a tight top, it does not mean that she has to sleep with every man that looks at her. No matter how revealing a woman's clothing is - she still owns her own body and has the right to choose who she sleeps with. Just because someone wears something short and/or tight does not mean that men then own her and can take what they please.

Stop thinking about how the rape victim could have prevented it. In doing so, you are blaming her (or him) for being raped. You should be blaming the rapist. The rapist is the one that forced himself on to someone else. The rapist is the one that violated someone else. The rapist is the one that broke the law. The blame lies 100% on him.

Women shouldn't have to suffer in case they are raped - they shouldn't have to worry 'if I wear these clothes will someone force his penis inside me?' or 'if I have a drink with my friends, will someone attack me?' Instead men should be thinking 'she said no, so I will not rape her'. Not 'she said no, but I bought her a drink, so she wants it really.'

Think about it - in which other crimes are the victims blamed? Oh, he stole some money so he deserves to be murdered. Oh, he's given money to charity, so it's okay to steal from him, he doesn't mind giving it away. Victims of crime are not at fault. Perpetrators of crime are to blame.

So instead of blaming the victim, blame the rapist. He is the one that did something wrong, he is the one that broke the law, he is the one that (physically or emotionally) hurt a person.