Tonight

I am very positive about the future, about my future.  I have no idea what will happen, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I actually have a future - I don't have this massive secret weighing me down, I don't spend all of my energy thinking about the trial.  I can actually put all of my energy in to fixing myself.

And that feels good.  So good.

However, it's going to be a long, long road.  Because the guilty verdict doesn't mean that I'll stop having flashbacks.  It doesn't mean that I'll stop hearing his voice in my head.  A guilty verdict doesn't undo what he did.  What a guilty verdict does mean is that I can finally stop being scared of him - he can never hurt me again.  A guilty verdict means that I can rebuild my life, and myself.  It means that I can finally start to heal.

But it is difficult.  Because people think 'why are you still depressed?  Why are you still suffering from PTSD?  Why are you still having nightmares?  He's behind bars, move on'.  They don't understand when I tell them that I'm still living with the consequences of his actions.  He is going to serve his time - justice has been won.  But I'm still living with the trauma.

It devastated me.  I don't often talk about it in detail, because I know how upsetting it is for my parents.  I know they read my blog, and I know that at times reading my blog is extremely painful for them.  But I need to tell the truth.

Childhood sexual abuse is devastating.  I was exposed to things I should never have been exposed to - not until I was sexually mature.  I wasn't, I was 12.  That is a long way from being sexually mature.  My view on sex was completely warped.  He taught me that love equals sex.  He taught me that friendship equals sex.  He taught me that my self-worth is intertwined with sex.  He taught me that in order to be valued, I need to give some sort of sexual favour.  Without sex, I was nothing.

He taught me that it doesn't matter whether or not I want to have sex - he would just take it anyway.  He made me rely on him completely.  He made me hate myself.

So I have a long, long way to go.  I am unlearning all of this filth that he taught me.  I am rebuilding myself.  I am learning to recognise healthy and non-healthy relationships.  I know that I am worth a hell of a lot better than the way I have been treated in the best.

In the past 13 years I have been looking to be loved, but I have been looking in all the wrong places.  I have clung on to anyone that showed me any sort of interest.  I have let myself be treated like dirt, because I thought that that was how you treated someone you love.  I thought that that was what love is.  I have done many, many things that I regret.  All because I was taught that the only way to be friends or to get someone to love me was by giving away my body.  So of course I attracted the wrong kind of people.

No more.  I am worth more than that.  I deserve better than that.  I deserve better than what I have been seeking.

I'm making a lot of steps towards a healthier, happier life.  But I still have a long way to go.  Tonight I am suffering from insomnia.  Tonight I had a flashback.  Tonight I head his voice.  But tonight I also realised that I wasn't scared.  That I am a survivor, and that life is going to get better.  Tonight I realised that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy of happiness and love, and I sure as hell won't settle for anything else.

Rape Jokes

Not so long ago, a friend of mine, Elin Box, wrote an article (link can be found at the end of this blog) about rape jokes.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while.  Unsurprisingly, I have a lot to say about this topic.  (Note: I’m talking about rape jokes that are offensive to rape victims, not rape jokes that highlight what’s wrong with our attitude towards rape.)  But first, let me tell you about an experience I had with rape jokes as a fresher at university.

I was sitting with a group of people – as it was the first term, we were all just starting to get to know each other.  Most of those people have turned out to be really great friends, but at the time we were pretty much strangers to each other.  One of the guys started to make rape jokes.  Everyone laughed, or rolled their eyes.  I was extremely uncomfortable.  At this point, I had only told one person at university that I had been raped.  Rape joke after rape joke was told.  Even though they had no idea that I had been raped, I felt humiliated.  Being sexually abused and rape was a huge trauma, one that I’m still recovering from.  It was painful, it was humiliating, it was terrifying.  And here someone was, making jokes about rape and rape victims; about me.  Luckily, the friend that I had told saw my discomfort and told the joker to stop, which he did.

A lot of people don’t see what the big deal is about rape jokes.  It’s all just for fun, after all, they would never actually rape someone.  But it is a big deal.  It undermines the seriousness of rape – and in a society where we often blame the woman for being raped (unless she’s a virgin that dresses like a nun), rape really doesn’t need to be undermined any further.

How do we blame the women, you ask?  If a woman was wearing revealing clothes, she was obviously asking for it.  If a woman accepted a drink from a man, she was obviously asking for it.  If a woman walked home alone at night, she was obviously asking for it.  We live in a country that is great at victim blaming, which results in 83% of women not to report their rape to the police.  And even when they do go to the police, they run the risk of not being believed, or are made to believe that it was somehow their fault.  A man (often stronger than they are) overpowers you, you fear for your life, his penis is forced inside you, yet somehow it is still your fault.  Because we all know that ‘no’ actually means ‘yes’.

(Just on a side note – to all those people that say a woman dressing provocatively was asking for it.  She may have been looking for sex, but is it still not up to her to choose WHO she has sex with?)

So, back to rape jokes.  Most people say they would never tell a rape joke to a rape victim as that would be in bad taste.  I ask you – how do you know if someone has been raped or not?  1 in 10 women have been raped or sexually abused in the UK (the actual number is probably higher, as many women do not admit to being raped).  So if you’re telling a rape joke, chances are a rape victim is within earshot.   This will probably make her (or him) feel humiliated, as it did with me.  One of the most traumatic events (if not THE most traumatic event) of her life, being openly belittled, made fun of and joked about as if it’s not a big deal, as if it didn’t almost destroy her.

There’s also another angle that most people don’t consider.  What do rape jokes say to rapists?  That really, it’s no big deal.  I know most men wouldn’t rape anyone – but not all men.  Some men would rape and have raped.  Hearing rape jokes might give them the impression that what they did really isn’t such a big deal.  It’s just fodder for jokes.  No biggie.  Sure, it’s a crime, but it’s not really a big deal – especially since my mates down the pub make fun of rape victims, so they think the same way that I do; rape isn’t a big deal.  As someone pointed out (sorry, can’t remember the actual source) ‘women are always the butt of the jokes, never the perpetrator’.  What does it say about our society that we would rather make rape victims feel uncomfortable than the rapist, that we would rather side with rapist in mocking and degrading women, than respecting women?

Some people will still have a problem with me having a problem with rape jokes.  First, ask yourselves whether you're laughing at a joke, or at the idea of rape.  Why is it so important for you to make jokes about the degradation of women?  Why is it absolutely necessary for you to mock a painful & traumatic event?  Freedom of speech?  Or the need to justify the feelings that you have deep down – that women are beneath men and deserve having a penis forced in to them?

Right at the beginning of this entry, I said how some rape jokes are okay.  I know some people may be confused about this.  An example of a rape joke that I personally think highlights society’s view of rape:

• We need more rape jokes.  We really do.  Needless to say, rape, the most heinous crime imaginable, is a comic's dream.  It's because, it seems, when you do rape jokes, that the material is so dangerous and edgy.  The truth is, it's the safest area to talk about in comedy because who's gonna complain about a rape joke?  Rape victims?  They don't even report rape. - Sarah Silverman

Some rape victims and sexual abuse survivors also make rape jokes.  To them, it can be cathartic.  I have been known to use humour when talking about my rape.  For instance, I was talking with my cousin who said he didn’t really know how to talk to me about the rape.  I laughed and said “you can just imagine this in a sitcom couldn’t you?  Two people sitting on a couch in uncomfortable silence until one of them finally, awkwardly says, “so…. You were raped…”

Admittedly, it’s not very funny, but humour can help to put people – myself included – at ease.  There can be great power in some rape jokes, as Elissa Bassist said; “Rape jokes can be empowering.  They could help you reclaim control when you’ve lost something you’ll never get back, or has been damaged beyond repair.” 

And a few example of rape which I think make fun of the seriousness of rape and/or make fun of the rape victim (I would like to ask you to picture yourself telling these jokes to a rape victim, would you still find them funny then?):

• What do nine out of ten people enjoy?  Gang rape.
• What is rape anyway, other than surprise sex?
• Ladies, look on the bright side.  Being raped burns more calories than regular sex!

To end with, I would like to share with you a quote from comedian Meghan O’Keefe, about the whole ‘Tosh rape joke incident’.  (For those that don’t know – comedian Daniel Tosh said that rape jokes are always funny, they’re hilarious etc.  A woman in the audience shouted out that ‘rape jokes are never funny’, to which Tosh replied ‘wouldn’t it be funny if you were raped by like, five guys right now?  Like right now?’  The entire audience laughed and she was humiliated.  The girl’s friend wrote about it on Tumblr and it soon went viral).  Here’s the quote: 

"If Tosh honestly thinks rape is funny... well, that's his opinion.  That's his worldview.  What's disturbing is that this is a worldview that is violent and that lacks empathy.  What's even more disturbing is that he's not some unknown comic presenting an unpopular opinion.  He's one of the most popular and beloved comic acts in the country.  Which means that a huge percentage of our country thinks rape jokes are funny, but not because they admire Jeselnik's wordplay or Silverman's irony or Mulaney's empathetic juxtaposition.  They think rape jokes are funny because they think the act of physically hurting and sexually dominating a woman against her will is funny.

And it's not.  They're not laughing at a joke.  They're laughing at the concept of rape.  Rape is disturbing and horrible.  It's one of the horrors that we should keep at bay with humour, not encourage.  Right now, the woman who posted the complain about Tosh is receiving legitimate death and rape threats from his fans.  So his "joke" didn't diffuse pain or horror - it sparked it."

Sources:

Rape statistics: http://www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted

Elin Box’s article: http://www.palatinate.org.uk/?p=24278

Elissa Bassist’s article: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/07/11/why-daniel-tosh-s-rape-joke-at-the-laugh-factory-wasn-t-funny.html

Megan O’Keefe’s article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meghan-okeefe/daniel-tosh-rape-joke_b_1665121.html

A vicious circle

People think that the most common reaction to rape is to shy away from human contact. Or rather, that is the reaction that society expects - any other reaction and coping strategy is frowned upon. How did I react? I craved love; I needed to feel wanted. However, because I was groomed from an early age (an age where most kids are just starting to discover what love is) my view on love was (and is) completely different to most people's.

When I was 12 until 17, he was my best friend. He was the person I told everything to. He made me need him – I couldn't imagine not having him to confide in. I know that a lot of people struggle with the idea of grooming and can't quite get their heads around it. It's very similar to Stockholm Syndrome (where you bond with your captor in order to survive). In the beginning, there was nothing sexual about it; he was there when I needed someone to talk to. Whatever drama was going on in my 12-year-old life, he was there for me. Slowly, he started to worm his way into every aspect of my life, making me think that without him I would crumble. Eventually, he would be asking me for 'favours' in return for 'supporting me'. So from an early age, anything sexual was intertwined with being friends and having someone to listen to.

I grew up thinking that if you wanted to bond with someone, that if you wanted someone to be there for you, listen to you and be a shoulder to cry on, then you should give them something physical in return. I thought that was the way things worked. Sex, close friendship and love were so completely tangled up with each other they all seemed like one thing. I didn't think you could have one without the other.

Then he raped me. For a long time afterwards, yes, I did withdraw in to myself. I didn't want to get close to anyone for fear of what might happen, for fear of getting hurt, both physically and emotionally.

I don't know when or why I started to change, but I did. Part of me wanted to take back what he had stolen from me. I wanted to say "see, I’m moving on from being raped, you don't affect me anymore". I wanted to prove to him that I had control of my body, that I could choose to be with someone. However, an even bigger part of me just wanted to be close to someone again. I suppose I was lonely and wanted to reach out to people - I wanted a normal, healthy relationship, yet I had no idea how to get close to someone and have a relationship without being physical.

It soon became very clear that even though I wanted more – that wasn't what most people wanted. In their eyes it was "wham, bam, thank you ma'am". This of course just meant that I ended up feeling even worse than I did before – I felt used, I felt like a faceless one night stand, I felt empty. It was a horrible, horrible feeling. I truly felt alone and unloved. So, needing to feel loved, I would again seek out someone to be close to, which in turn made me feel much, much worse than before. It was a vicious circle that I couldn't seem to get out of.

In all honestly, I still haven't managed to completely untangle those three things. I still have moments where I stumble – if I'm feeling low then of course I look for something – someone – that will make me feel better, that will make me feel wanted. Or if I start to develop feelings for someone, or I think that someone is interested in me, then I always seem to manage to chase that person away by 'giving it up' too soon. Again, I always end up feeling much, much worse afterwards.

All of this is something I'm working on though. After all, how can I expect someone to respect me and want to be with me, when my actions say that I don't respect myself? Yes, it's going to take a long time to completely untangle these three things, but bit by bit, I’m getting there.

Me