29 days

The trial starts on the 19th November.  29 days from now.  I'm dreading it and want it to be over.  I've been having a lot of nightmares recently as well.  I think the closer the trial gets, the more difficulty I'll have sleeping.  Which isn't great, considering I have enough trouble sleeping as it is!

I'm dreading going on the stand and giving evidence.  I'm dreading being cross-examined by the defense.  I know that I will be put on trial, not him.  (That makes sense, right?  I mean, if someone was robbed then the victim would definitely be put on trial, not the robber...)  Anyway.

There is some good news though - the university has granted me my concession!  This means that I can start year 2 again in October 2013.  Fantastic news.  I had been quite worried that they would tell me that I would have to start from first year, or that I had to drop out altogether.  Can't fault my uni - they've been amazing.  Am SO pleased I can go back next year.

Even though I'm not at university, I've been going back to visit my friends.  I don't live to far, so it's easy enough to travel down to see them.  I definitely miss the social side of being at university, but I know that there is no way that I could be studying right now.  I really wanted to, I didn't want to take another year out. But it really is for the best - hopefully in a year's time I'll have managed to put this behind me and really be able to focus on my studying.

Next Tuesday one of the colleges at university will be showing the documentary "I Never Said Yes" in the evening.  It looks to be a very good documentary, with the reporter interviewing rape victims as well as those in authority about how the system is failing rape victims.  I think it will be difficult to watch, but I'm also looking forward to it.  I hope it's good - and I hope people turn up to see it.

Rape Jokes

Not so long ago, a friend of mine, Elin Box, wrote an article (link can be found at the end of this blog) about rape jokes.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while.  Unsurprisingly, I have a lot to say about this topic.  (Note: I’m talking about rape jokes that are offensive to rape victims, not rape jokes that highlight what’s wrong with our attitude towards rape.)  But first, let me tell you about an experience I had with rape jokes as a fresher at university.

I was sitting with a group of people – as it was the first term, we were all just starting to get to know each other.  Most of those people have turned out to be really great friends, but at the time we were pretty much strangers to each other.  One of the guys started to make rape jokes.  Everyone laughed, or rolled their eyes.  I was extremely uncomfortable.  At this point, I had only told one person at university that I had been raped.  Rape joke after rape joke was told.  Even though they had no idea that I had been raped, I felt humiliated.  Being sexually abused and rape was a huge trauma, one that I’m still recovering from.  It was painful, it was humiliating, it was terrifying.  And here someone was, making jokes about rape and rape victims; about me.  Luckily, the friend that I had told saw my discomfort and told the joker to stop, which he did.

A lot of people don’t see what the big deal is about rape jokes.  It’s all just for fun, after all, they would never actually rape someone.  But it is a big deal.  It undermines the seriousness of rape – and in a society where we often blame the woman for being raped (unless she’s a virgin that dresses like a nun), rape really doesn’t need to be undermined any further.

How do we blame the women, you ask?  If a woman was wearing revealing clothes, she was obviously asking for it.  If a woman accepted a drink from a man, she was obviously asking for it.  If a woman walked home alone at night, she was obviously asking for it.  We live in a country that is great at victim blaming, which results in 83% of women not to report their rape to the police.  And even when they do go to the police, they run the risk of not being believed, or are made to believe that it was somehow their fault.  A man (often stronger than they are) overpowers you, you fear for your life, his penis is forced inside you, yet somehow it is still your fault.  Because we all know that ‘no’ actually means ‘yes’.

(Just on a side note – to all those people that say a woman dressing provocatively was asking for it.  She may have been looking for sex, but is it still not up to her to choose WHO she has sex with?)

So, back to rape jokes.  Most people say they would never tell a rape joke to a rape victim as that would be in bad taste.  I ask you – how do you know if someone has been raped or not?  1 in 10 women have been raped or sexually abused in the UK (the actual number is probably higher, as many women do not admit to being raped).  So if you’re telling a rape joke, chances are a rape victim is within earshot.   This will probably make her (or him) feel humiliated, as it did with me.  One of the most traumatic events (if not THE most traumatic event) of her life, being openly belittled, made fun of and joked about as if it’s not a big deal, as if it didn’t almost destroy her.

There’s also another angle that most people don’t consider.  What do rape jokes say to rapists?  That really, it’s no big deal.  I know most men wouldn’t rape anyone – but not all men.  Some men would rape and have raped.  Hearing rape jokes might give them the impression that what they did really isn’t such a big deal.  It’s just fodder for jokes.  No biggie.  Sure, it’s a crime, but it’s not really a big deal – especially since my mates down the pub make fun of rape victims, so they think the same way that I do; rape isn’t a big deal.  As someone pointed out (sorry, can’t remember the actual source) ‘women are always the butt of the jokes, never the perpetrator’.  What does it say about our society that we would rather make rape victims feel uncomfortable than the rapist, that we would rather side with rapist in mocking and degrading women, than respecting women?

Some people will still have a problem with me having a problem with rape jokes.  First, ask yourselves whether you're laughing at a joke, or at the idea of rape.  Why is it so important for you to make jokes about the degradation of women?  Why is it absolutely necessary for you to mock a painful & traumatic event?  Freedom of speech?  Or the need to justify the feelings that you have deep down – that women are beneath men and deserve having a penis forced in to them?

Right at the beginning of this entry, I said how some rape jokes are okay.  I know some people may be confused about this.  An example of a rape joke that I personally think highlights society’s view of rape:

• We need more rape jokes.  We really do.  Needless to say, rape, the most heinous crime imaginable, is a comic's dream.  It's because, it seems, when you do rape jokes, that the material is so dangerous and edgy.  The truth is, it's the safest area to talk about in comedy because who's gonna complain about a rape joke?  Rape victims?  They don't even report rape. - Sarah Silverman

Some rape victims and sexual abuse survivors also make rape jokes.  To them, it can be cathartic.  I have been known to use humour when talking about my rape.  For instance, I was talking with my cousin who said he didn’t really know how to talk to me about the rape.  I laughed and said “you can just imagine this in a sitcom couldn’t you?  Two people sitting on a couch in uncomfortable silence until one of them finally, awkwardly says, “so…. You were raped…”

Admittedly, it’s not very funny, but humour can help to put people – myself included – at ease.  There can be great power in some rape jokes, as Elissa Bassist said; “Rape jokes can be empowering.  They could help you reclaim control when you’ve lost something you’ll never get back, or has been damaged beyond repair.” 

And a few example of rape which I think make fun of the seriousness of rape and/or make fun of the rape victim (I would like to ask you to picture yourself telling these jokes to a rape victim, would you still find them funny then?):

• What do nine out of ten people enjoy?  Gang rape.
• What is rape anyway, other than surprise sex?
• Ladies, look on the bright side.  Being raped burns more calories than regular sex!

To end with, I would like to share with you a quote from comedian Meghan O’Keefe, about the whole ‘Tosh rape joke incident’.  (For those that don’t know – comedian Daniel Tosh said that rape jokes are always funny, they’re hilarious etc.  A woman in the audience shouted out that ‘rape jokes are never funny’, to which Tosh replied ‘wouldn’t it be funny if you were raped by like, five guys right now?  Like right now?’  The entire audience laughed and she was humiliated.  The girl’s friend wrote about it on Tumblr and it soon went viral).  Here’s the quote: 

"If Tosh honestly thinks rape is funny... well, that's his opinion.  That's his worldview.  What's disturbing is that this is a worldview that is violent and that lacks empathy.  What's even more disturbing is that he's not some unknown comic presenting an unpopular opinion.  He's one of the most popular and beloved comic acts in the country.  Which means that a huge percentage of our country thinks rape jokes are funny, but not because they admire Jeselnik's wordplay or Silverman's irony or Mulaney's empathetic juxtaposition.  They think rape jokes are funny because they think the act of physically hurting and sexually dominating a woman against her will is funny.

And it's not.  They're not laughing at a joke.  They're laughing at the concept of rape.  Rape is disturbing and horrible.  It's one of the horrors that we should keep at bay with humour, not encourage.  Right now, the woman who posted the complain about Tosh is receiving legitimate death and rape threats from his fans.  So his "joke" didn't diffuse pain or horror - it sparked it."

Sources:

Rape statistics: http://www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted

Elin Box’s article: http://www.palatinate.org.uk/?p=24278

Elissa Bassist’s article: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/07/11/why-daniel-tosh-s-rape-joke-at-the-laugh-factory-wasn-t-funny.html

Megan O’Keefe’s article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meghan-okeefe/daniel-tosh-rape-joke_b_1665121.html

Grief

I haven't written in here for a while. I haven't had the energy. I still don't. Someone extremely close to me passed away last month. I haven't been able to think about what's happening with the trial.

I'm going down to London this month to have a look at where the trial will be held. My Mum is coming with me. My liason officer suggested it would be a good idea, so that I don't feel overwhelmed when I'm on the stand in a strange place. He is going to talk me through the procedure.

I've been having quite a few nightmares.

It looks like I won't be going back to university. The uni have said that since the trial will be in November, I won't be able to focus on uni work. Which is fair enough. At first I was dissapointed - I'm desperate to graduate. But the more I think about it, the more I'm glad about it.

These past few months have been a blur. I feel numb. Apart from my nightmares, I haven't given the court case (and all the things that go with it) a second thought.

This entry isn't very long, I just don't have the energy to go in depth. I thought being sexually abused for 5 years and raped was the worst thing that could happen to me. Turns out I was wrong.

Around the corner

I had the meeting with the university about my request to re-take this year. I think it went well, and they should agree to it. That's a huge weight off my mind. It means I can have a fresh start - this year has been extremely difficult and it's taken all my energy to keep myself together, I had no energy left to focus on my work. And as such, my attendance and the work that I did do was abysmal. So I'm extremely relieved and greatful that I have been given the chance to re-take this year.

I have also heard from the police. The case has now gone from the Magistrate's Court to the Crown Court. The hearing that is taking place on May 22nd is to sort out the practicalities for when it goes to trial (I'm deaf and wear hearing aids, so they need to make sure that the T-loop is on etc) and to hear what he pleads.

I have been told to expect that he will plead not guilty.

So. It sounds like wWe are going to trial. He will plead not guilty.

Oh boy.

I have made the decision to go on the witness stand, but I will be behind a screen. I want to face him. But at the same time, I don't want him to be able to psych me out. I don't want to freeze up on the stand. And there is a huge possibility that I would freeze up if I saw him in person - the last time I saw him was when he raped me.

I just want this to be over so that I can move on.

The lead up to the trial, the trial itself and after the trial will be extremely difficult. I know I'm going to be emotionally drained. I'm already emotionally drained - the meeting with the university took almost all my strength. I have no idea how the trial will affect me.

But this is what I want. This is what we have all been working towards. Finally, after almost 1 1/2 years since I reported the abuse and rape, it looks like the trial is just around the corner.

And breathe...

Struggles

Sometimes I have difficulty finding words. I have all these thoughts and emotions going round and round in my head, but it becomes almost impossible to focus on one and to understand what it is that's going through my mind. Which makes it difficult to concentrate and focus on work.

All in all, I'm doing a lot better. But I'm still struggling. The struggle is getting easier with time, but it's still tough.

I feel better about him as a person - I'm not afraid of him, I know he's not a monster. He's just a man. A man that did evil things, but still a man. He can't hurt me anymore. He doesn't scare me anymore. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I'm trying to forgive him. I've taken the first step and I've prayed for him since that first time. I pray that he sees that what he did was wrong, I pray that he accepts that he needs to face justive. I also pray that he will manage to heal, that he finds God.

I'm reading a book about forgiveness at the minute. About what it means to forgive someone, to foreswear resentment. I don't wish him harm, but I want him to pay for what he did, I want justice to be done. Which, according to this book, is a good thing - forgiveness and justice aren't polar opposites of each other. What I do want to know, and which hopefully this book will help me understand, is can you forgive someone who doesn't believe they've done anything wrong?

I don't know how he feels. I don't know if he regrets what he did - not in the sense that he was caught, but that he regrets his actions because they hurt someone, or several people. I know that he denied raping me, and there wasn't enough proof to charge him with that. But does that mean he thinks he didn't do anything wrong, or he knows what he did and is too scared to face the consequences?

I've also been entertaining the idea of seeing him. I know I will either see him in court or at his sentencing. But I want to talk to him, something which I think I can put a request in for if/when he's been found guilty. He has to accept this request of course. But I want to talk to him. I don't want to ask him why, because I know why. I was a vulnerable child that just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I do want to ask him if he regrets what he did, if he feels any remorse. Chances are that he doesn't - peadophiles don't tend to feel remorse. But I do think it will help with my closure. Maybe I will be able to finally put that to rest. Maybe I won't be able to forgive him (can you forgive someone that doesn't think they did anything wrong?), but I will have faced him. It might never happen of course.

So, I feel better about him as a person. He doesn't scare me anymore. What I still struggle with are the consequences of his actions. I still struggle with the 5 years of abuse and the rape. I still struggle with what he did to me and what he made me do. There are times when I'm not really thinking about anything, or I'm hanging out with my friends when wham, a memory will hit me.

It's the memories that I struggle with a lot. And the jumpiness. I'm easily startled and I'm quite guarded. I don't trust easily. My psychologist made a good point - I'm so busy keeping the 'bad men' away, that I don't let the good men come near me either. It's something I have to work on, something I want to work on. I struggle with depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Some days are extremely tough. I use unhealthy things as a crutch. Yes, I no longer self-harm, but I do have unhealthy crutches (like smoking). I need to learn to be able to cope with life without relying on self-destructive things. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, smoking is probably better than self-harm, drinking, sleeping around and/or drugs.

There's a lot going on at the moment, a lot of thoughts going through my mind - do I forgive him? Can I forgive him? Does he regret what he did? Will he plead guilty? Will there be a trial? Will he plead guilty? Will he accept to see me? Memories that ambush me, PTSD and depression rearing their ugly heads, relying on crutches, my trust issues etc. All of these things I struggle with daily. Which of course, makes it difficult to focus on university.

I struggle with compartmentalising my life and putting all of those things on a shelf so I can focus on my work. Which means that my attention span is limited, which means i have difficulty focusing. Which means that my work suffers. Which is frustrating. I know I could get a good degree if I didn't struggle with all of this - I'm not stupid. It frustrates me because I'm not able to give university my all. I'm not even able to give university 1/4 of my all, because most of me is fighting to get better, to beat my depression and PTSD and to recover from being an abuse and rape victim. So much energy is spent on gluing myself back together, that I have hardly no energy left for my work.

Which is extremely frustrating. And I do find myself blaming him for it - another sign that I haven't forgiven him yet. If it wasn't for him, I would likely be graduated by now, I wouldn't suffer from PTSD, my depression might not be so bad, I wouldn't have all these trust issues... the list goes on and on.

Which brings me back to forgiveness. I know I need closure, I know there's no point going 'what if' and 'if only'. I want to forgive him, I need to forgive him.

So, he as a person no longer scares me - I don't fear him. But I'm living with the consequences of what he did to me every day. It's a struggle, but I'm getting there. While some days may be tough, I do feel better all in all.

Apologies for the long, and slightly rambling, entry. I just needed to get my thoughts down.

Back to reality

To start with, I just want to apologise if this entry doesn't make much sense - I'm quite sleep deprived and just writing down my thoughts, which probably aren't that coherent.

For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.

However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.

I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.

It was amazing.

Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.

It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.

I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.

I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.

So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.

So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.

So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.

I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.

To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.

Me