To start with, I just want to apologise if this entry doesn't make much sense - I'm quite sleep deprived and just writing down my thoughts, which probably aren't that coherent.
For the past 3 weeks I've been on holiday. It has been absolutely amazing. Would you believe it, I was actually on holiday in Antarctica. How crazy is that? It was fantastic. I had such an amazing time, and I barely thought about my rape. I would go several days without thinking about it - which is a pretty rare thing. Normally I think about it every day, in the sense that it's a shadow lurking in the back of my mind.
However, on holiday, this wasn't the case. I hardly thought about it at all. I was too engrossed with exploring and experiencing the Antarctic. I was in a place that was so far from my reality, from my life and from everything that I knew, that I could just be. I could enjoy the moment, enjoy my holiday.
I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I'll try and explain. Normally, things will remind me of him, of the years of abuse, of the rape. I'll see someone walking in the street that looks slightly like him, and everything will come rushing back. I'll walk past a car park, and will remember that night. There are constent reminders and associations everywhere I go. Except on holiday - there was absolutely nothing that reminded me of him in the Antarctic. Because everything I saw there was a completely new experience for me, there was nothing there that I could associate to him or the abuse.
It was amazing.
Sadly though, all good things must come to an end. Including the holiday. It's time to get back to reality.
It's currently past 3am, I'm in a hotel room in Germany, waiting for my flight back home in the morning. While I was on holiday, I could sleep. Now I find that I'm unable to get to sleep. Thoughts of him, of the possiblity of a trial, keep popping in to my head.
I know that as soon as I get back, I need to get in touch with my police liason officer. He called before I went on holiday and said he has some things I need to sign. I'm guessing he needs my permission to get some more records from my psychologist. I'll need to know exactly what records he wants before I sign anything. The police are collecting evidence to prove that I was abused and raped. So obviously they want records from my sessions with my shrink. But, as my shrink pointed out, the defense and him, will have access to all the evidence, including the reports.
I don't want him to know anything about my life. I don't want to just hand over the notes that my psychologists made, because there's a lot of personal things in those notes. Nothing earth-shattering, but I just don't want him to have access to any part of my life. I don't want him to know about arguements with my family, my past relationships, my friends etc. He's already taken a part of me, I'll be damned if he's going to take anything else.
So of course, this means that I need to make sure that what I'm signing states that the police can only take the notes that will be relevant to the case. Which, from their point of view is frustrating. After all - they want everything, because how will they know if it's relevant or not until they've read it? But if they read it, then the defense has the right to read it. I want to do everything and anything in my power to put this man away. But giving him access to every single part of my life? I can't do that. I can't let him taint my life any further than he already has. I can't have him knowing everything about me.
So my psychologist, the police and I are trying to work something out that we're all happy with. And my psychologist has been absolutely amazing. She's had experience with this before, and knows exactly what the police need, and also what's best for my well-being.
So. The holiday is over. Back to reality and everything that that brings with it. Not only my memories of him, or the possibility of going to trial, or the nightmares, the sleeplessness and working out my privacy issues, but also university and studying.
I will admit that sometimes it does feel like too much. It does feel like I'm almost bursting at the seams with everything that's going on. But I refuse to let him take any more years of my life. I am living my life. I am getting my degree. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it's a good degree. I will not let him take my future.
To finish with, I'll leave you with a quote that I came across, about child abuse, but I think the same goes for rape and abuse that occurs at any time in someone's life.. Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime - Herbert Ward.
Me
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