I like to watch Private Practice. When I can't sleep, it's what I watch. For those of you that don't know what it is, it's a spin-off series from the series Grey's Anatomy. It's what I watch (well, at the minute it is, it used to be the Vampire Diaries, then Grey's Anatomy, or the rabbits frolicking outside my window). Except last episode, one of the main characters got raped.
I don't fall apart when I hear the word 'rape', nor do I break down crying when watching something on TV and rape is featured in it. I haven't quite gotten to the stage where I can listen to rape jokes, but other than that I'm okay. I can watch movies where one of the characters gets raped. I can watch the news as they report a sexual attack. I'm okay.
But this time... I don't know what got me this time. Maybe because it's one of my favourite shows. Maybe because in movies something about the rape is mentioned in the synopsis, or because you expect to hear that kind of thing on the news - which just goes to show what a sorry state our society is in.
The fact that this character got raped threw me. I wasn't expecting it to happen. It gave me a shock. I continued to watch. And I'm watching the other character's reactions to it.
After my rape happened, I shut it out. I didn't tell a soul. I didn't want to tell my parents because I knew it would hurt them. I tried to block it out. Well, we all know how that turned out.
The thing is, since I have told people, I haven't stopped to think about their reactions, their feelings. For so long, I kept it secret. So when I did finally let it out, it was a relief and I could focus on finally healing myself. What I haven't thought about is how what happened to me is affecting those around me.
Some people are uncomfortable; they don't know how to talk to me. They don't know how to act around me. They're scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. Other people are okay, for the most part, but take a few steps back after a blog entry. Some people avoid me. All of that is to be expected. And to those people - it's okay. It's okay to not talk about it with me. I'm still the same person as I was before you knew this about me. I haven't changed. It's also okay to say 'I read your blog, I don't really know what to say, I find it uncomfortable to talk about with you, but I'm still your friend'.
But what really hit me for the first time are how this must be affecting my parents. I hadn't let myself think about this for too long. But... I can't begin to imagine how they must be feeling. I'm their little girl, their baby. Someone hurt me. And I know they must think 'why couldn't I see this was happening? Why couldn't I protect her? Why couldn't I save her?'
As much as my parents want to protect me from the pain, I wanted to protect them from it as well. Because my parents are great parents, and I didn't want to hurt them. Except, I didn't hurt them. He did.
I am finally realising that it's not just me he's hurt. He has hurt everyone that loves me. And that angers me even more. It's one thing to hurt me - it's another thing entirely to hurt those I love.
I can't imagine what my parents must be going through. I know it's a parent's instinct to protect their child. But my parents didn't fail. I want them to know that. Because everyone gets a taste of the real world, eventually. My parents succeeded in raising me. They have given me the strength to carry on, to face my demons, to face him and to live. They are my rock. They raised me to be who I am. They love me unconditionally and support me. With their love, support and strength I am a rape survivor and not a rape victim. They have raised me to be a strong woman that doesn't give up, and is strong enough to seek support when I need it.
I wish there was something I could do or say to make them stop hurting. I know that as long as I hurt, they will hurt. Because they are great parents, and they feel my pain. I guess that's partly why they're great parents. But I want them to know that it wasn't their fault. There was nothing that either of them could have done. The blame lies solely on him.
So I want to take the time to thank my parents, for being the wonderful people that they are. And for my friends. Thank you.
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