Recurring nightmare

I have a recurring nightmare. I have it at least once a week, normally more.

In my nightmare, I'm preparing to go on a game show. I'm ushered in to a small room and I await my turn to go on stage. There's a TV in the little room, so I can see what's going on stage. As I watch the TV, I start to become more and more nervous. Eventually, someone comes to fetch me and I have to walk through another room backstage. His wife and parents are in this room. They stop talking and glare at me as I walk past. I can see the pain behind their eyes. They start whispering to each other.

'There she is, it's all her fault.'

Their eyes follow me as I'm led from the room. I can feel their hatred towards me seeping in to my soul. I try not to think about it, but a thought runs through my head; 'it's because of me that they're hurting'.

I'm taken on to the stage and have to sit in a booth. In front of me I can see the audience; one side of the audience consists of my friends and family. The other side consists of his friends and family. There are also some strangers with no connection to either of us; they just want to be in the audience of the show.

On the stage to the right of me are the judging panel. There are about 6 of them. All of them are sitting there, staring at me. He is sitting in another booth to the left of me.

The host of the game show starts to ask questions, trying to burn holes into both of our stories. He makes jokes as he asks the questions. I'm trying desperately not to cry, while he is sitting there; laughing along to the jokes. He looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. It's just a game show.

When we've finished answering the questions, it's time for the panel to talk amongst themselves. They have to decide who they believe.

While they're deciding, a band comes to play on stage. Everyone is enjoying themselves. I'm sitting in my booth, shaking. I can't understand how people can be enjoying this so-called show. How can they be listening to music, while something so momentous is going on?

Once the panel has reached their decision, the host asks the audience what they think. The audience has to press a button, and their verdict comes up on a graph on a screen. Most of the audience votes 'innocent'. The host then says 'well we know what the audience think, but what do the panel say? Remember, it's their vote that counts.'

Just as the panel are about to deliver their verdict, I wake up.

I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to work out what the dream is about and why it has me so upset. I wake up with sweat running off me, shaking. I have to remind myself that it was just a dream.

As a child, I thought the world of him. As a teenager I feared him. As an adult I will face him.

I'm very aware that my dream represents my teenage fear. I just need to remind myself that I will not be facing him as a child or a teenager. He has no hold over me anymore. I am an adult, and I have a team of people around me that are in my corner fighting with me.

He doesn't so much scare me. I can face him. In fact I want to face him. I want to put my adolescent fears to rest and face him as the strong woman I am now. He does not scare me. But the thought that he could get away with what he has done terrifies me.

Me