The problem

All in all, I'm doing alright.  I'm getting my life back on track.

But sometimes I feel as if I'm not doing it fast enough.  I feel as if people are thinking "you've got the guilty verdict, you've got the amazing sentencing, everything worked out so much better than expected - so why aren't you healed?  Move on with your life already".

I feel like there is a huge expectation for me to suddenly be magically better.  It feels like I shouldn't have any problems anymore.  It seems like people expected all of my problems to disappear with the guilty-verdict.  I can see their point - the perpetrator of those crimes is behind bars, and will be for a long, long time.  Believe me - that thought alone still makes me want to do a little happy dance and shout with joy.  I feel like my life is just starting while his is over.

So what's the problem, you ask?

The problem is I still have nightmares.  The problem is that I still have triggers that will bring back a memory I'd rather not remember.  Not a flashback - those are awful, and thankfully, they are very infrequent - but a very vivid memory.  One can pop up at any time and knock the breath out of me.  I still haven't figured out all the triggers - certain music, a turn of phrase, a topic of conversation, a smell, a picture...

The problem is that his face still pops in to my mind when I close my eyes.  I'm not scared of him anymore, I could look him in the eye.  But it's still not a face I want in my mind before going to sleep.

The problem is that I still flinch.  I'm still wary.  I still don't trust.

I want more than anything to be 'normal'.  To go to bed before 4am and wake up before noon.  To finish university, to hold a steady job, to be able to provide for and look after myself.  I'm getting there, slowly.  But it's going to take time.  Hopefully by the time university starts again in October, I'll be ready.

But right now, I'm not.  I know full well that I am still a mess.

Memories that I had buried, are now coming to the surface.  I'd rather forget them.

I feel like people expect me to be better and to be this strong woman that can handle anything, when in fact, I still have days where I can barely bring myself to get out of bed.

I know there comes a point where "enough is enough and you need to move on".  The last thing I want to do is 'bore' people with what's going around my head, especially when people have their own things going on.  I don't want to be that person that can't move on with their life.  I don't want to be that person that people avoid talking to because they're stuck in the past.

But at the same time - I'm not magically healed.  There is no set healing time for 5 years of abuse, and rape.  It will take time.  I am going to have bad days.  I am going to be triggered about something.  But I am also going to pick myself up after a bad day and do my damned hardest to make the next day a good day.

The bottom line?  I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family.  I don't want them to feel like I'm wallowing.  I want to get my life back on track.  I know that if I stay in the past, I'll stay hurt and I'll stay a victim.  I can't heal unless I'm in the present and looking towards the future.  I'm working on it.  It's just not always easy.