Planning

I still can't believe it.  He's been found guilty.  I had convinced myself that they would find him not guilty, that I wouldn't be believed.  I know that my case is a minority - so many rapists aren't even taken to court, and few of those that are are found guilty.  Then again, mine wasn't a rape case, it was a child abuse case.

He will never be convicted of raping me.  The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point.  It's not the fault of the police.  It's the system.  But... I'm okay with that.  He has been found guilty.  So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that.  So I am extremely thankful.

And happy.  I am so, so SO happy.  It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer).  His bail has been revoked.  He is in jail.  He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me.  Never again.

I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had.  My stomach does not like alcohol.  And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration.  So I'm pretty tired today.  But guess what?  HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on cloud nine.  I feel like I've won the lottery.  I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro.  I feel happy.

It's not over yet though.  Not by a long shot.  Yes, the trial is over.  That part of my life is done.  His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.

But that's not what I'm referring to.  Yes, the trial is over.  But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape.  Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression.  It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore.  It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.

I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me.  But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.

Guilty motherfucker!  Yes!!!!

So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed.  But I'm getting there.  As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life.  Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.

And that feels good.  So, so good.

So yes, I am moving on with my life.  It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world.  I have no weight bearing down on me anymore.  I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track.  And that feels amazing.

So, what are my life changing plans?  Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself.  I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc.  But that's not all.  I'm quitting smoking.

I've always said that after the trial I will quit.  Well, the trial has finished.  So I guess I better quit.  I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc).  One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?

Yes, I probably will want to smoke.  Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.  But there will always be stressful situations.  So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks.  That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit).  I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.

So.  I'm quitting smoking.  I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again.  I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened.  I enjoyed doing things.  But over the past years, I've not done anything.  I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself.  Well, no more!

My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them!  I used to love riding horses as a child.  I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider.  But I haven't ridden since I was about 12.  I used to love it.  So I'm going to start again.

There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do.  Such as lessons in statistics.  I hate statistics.  I'm crap at it.  That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough.  So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons.  Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!

Let's see... what else have I been putting off?  Getting my first aid certificate.  I used to be a qualified first aider.  But I let that slide.  I want it back.  And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.

Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much.  For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle.  So I don't want to take on too much, too fast.  The first step is to quit smoking.  Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame).  I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.

So.  That's my plan.  December - quit smoking.  January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again.  February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans.  March - First Aid training.  April/May - statistics lessons.  Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays.  I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all.  But to me, all of this is huge.  It's a lot.  I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life.  It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with.  But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!

I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it.   I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.  I'm on the [long] road to recovery.  I am starting to live my life.  And I feel GREAT.

Guilty!

13:00 - The jury is currently out debating the verdict.  I’m terrified.  Absolutely terrified.

14:00 – Still no news.  It’s taking a long time.  Surely that can only be a bad thing?

15:00 – No news.  Jury is still out deciding.  It’s taking them hours – they went out at just before 11am.  It can only be bad news.  Oh God.

16:30 – GUILTY!!!  He has been found guilty!!  On all 40+ charges!!  This is amazing!!  I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling.  It’s amazing.  Overwhelmed.  Elated.  Relieved.  In shock.  It’s just amazing!!

I was standing outside having a cigarette when I got a text from the awesome detective, that just read; ‘guilty!!!!  On all charges!!!’  I screamed.  I actually screamed.  Then I heard my Mum screaming and shouting my name – my aunt had called her and let her know.  I ran inside and we were both screaming and hugging and crying and jumping about.  Dad came to see what was happening and all three of us were hugging.

It’s amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  Justice has prevailed.

I had convinced myself that he would be found innocent.  But justice has prevailed!  GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

18:00 - I've just been on the phone with the lead detective on my case (the kick-ass one).  She talked me through some of the things, let me ask her questions etc.  I can now talk about it, I can talk about everything and I can know what went on in the courtroom.

Apparently the very first day (when I spent the entire day in the witness lounge, but was never called in to testify) there were a lot of legal arguments about a certain piece of evidence.  Apparently he had videos of kids on his phone.  They weren't sexual.  But they weren't his kids either.  The defense didn't want the videos to be admitted as evidence, the prosecution did.  The judge allowed them in as evidence.  Yes, alone they don't prove anything, but when you add them to all of the other evidence...

I was also, finally, told what the other charges were.  Possession of indecent images - so basically, child pornography.

The Detective and I spoke for quite a while, but I can't remember much of our conversation!  I'm just so overwhelmed right now.  I'M SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY.

GUILTY!!!!!

His bail has been revoked and he is now in jail.  His sentencing is on the 4th January.  I will be there for that. I need to give an impact statement, and then the judge will decide on his sentencing.

It's over.  I can't believe it's over.  He has been found guilty.  I don't need to be afraid of him anymore.  He is in jail.

YES YES YES YES!!

And I want to take this time to say a massive THANK YOU to everyone that has been praying for me, that has been sending me messages of support, for everyone that has been thinking of me during this difficult time.  Thank you all so, so much.  You have no idea how much I appreciate it.  Thank you.

God's will has been done.  Justice has prevailed.  Wow.

I can’t write anymore right now.  I have so many emotions swirling around my head right now to even think straight (happy emotions!), so I will leave you all with a song.

Every morning as my parents and I drove to court, this song was playing.  And everything evening as we drove back from court, it was also playing.  On the days when it went well I would sing (or rather, shout) along to it.  On the days were I felt it had gone bad and I felt numb, this song would keep me going.  It gave me strength.  So, enjoy!

Still nothing

Still no verdict yet.  If there’s one thing I've learnt, it’s that the law moves extremely slowly.  Apparently the judge alone gave a 3 hour closing speech.  Three hours.  Is that a good thing?  Or a bad thing?

I’m terrified that he will be found not guilty.  Everyone keeps telling me that no matter what happens; I've done all I can.  It’s completely out of my hands.  I need to move on with my life.  I agree with them.  But it’s not that easy.

Have I really done all I can?  Could I have been a stronger witness?  If only I hadn't deleted all of his emails, his texts, his voice-mails etc.  But I was a stupid kid, I wanted him out of my life.  After he raped me, I wanted to wipe him out of existence.  The closest I could get was wiping any and all evidence of him out of my life.  I can see now that that was an incredibly stupid thing to do.  Had I kept everything of his, then this would be an open and shut case.

He claims we met when I was 16.  My diary disproves that, but so would the emails.

He claims it was never sexual.  All the pictures would have disproved that.

He claims I’m making it all up.  Again; the pictures, the emails and the texts would disprove that.

I’m kicking myself right now.  But I was so convinced that no one would believe me, that I would just put a lid on it and get on with my life.  I never thought I would report him or take him to court.  But I have.  And I wish I still had those emails and pictures and texts. 

What if the jury says he’s innocent?  All of this will have been for nothing.  Except that the police are aware of him.  But still… I have no doubt about the fact that if he’s found innocent, that it will have a big impact on him.  One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do was go to the police and report him, be questioned about him and go to court.  If he’s found innocent, it means that I wasn't believed.  That I would make something like this up, that I would lie after having sworn on the Holy Bible, that I’m a liar.

One of the worst things for a child abuse victim/rape victim is to not be believed.  Now I need to wait and see if these 12 strangers believe me, or him.

Because I told the truth on the stand.  I was sworn in.  I held the Holy Bible and swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  And I did.  Even when it made me look bad, I told the truth.  He didn't, he couldn't have.  Unless he admitted it, which I doubt.  He couldn't be telling the truth if he's disputing everything that I've said.

And my Aunt told me that his daughter was in the court, in the gallery.  Who the fuck would bring their daughter to a trial like this?  She’s only a teen.  Why would he do that?  Why would he put her through that?  Why would his wife allow it?  It’s sick.  Just sick.

I also worry – did he hurt his daughter?  He hurt me, but does that mean that he hurt his daughter as well?

One of the things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life is knowing that he could have hurt someone else.  I could have stopped that from happening, if I had spoken up sooner.  I pray that he hasn't hurt someone else, but I just don’t know.  And that kills me.  I will have to live with the uncertainty and guilt for the rest of my life.

I’m worried.  I’m really worried.  I want to know the verdict so I can deal with it.  Right now I feel like I’m living in limbo. 

I just want this to be over

Tomorrow...?

I’m full of flu at the minute, so I’m not exactly feeling great.

I've heard from the police, and was told that he testified today, and so did some people as a character witness.  When I heard this, I said to my parents; ‘what are they going to say?  That he’s such a nice guy for a pedophile?’ 

I have to joke at the minute – it’s either laugh or cry, and I've done enough crying.

I wish I knew what he said, what was asked, what the character witnesses said etc.  But I'm not allowed to know, not until it's all over.

Tomorrow are the closing speeches and then the jury retires to talk about the verdict.  So the verdict could be tomorrow.  I’m extremely nervous.  What if they find him innocent?  I would have gone through all of this for nothing.  Well, not for nothing.  No matter how this plays out, I don't regret finally telling the truth.  I don't regret going to the police.  It won't have been for nothing, because I - finally - stood up to him and I fought back.

I'm still pretty scared right now though.

And it sucks that I can’t make an appointment with my psychologist.  I’m desperate to talk to her, to talk about the trial, the impact it’s had on me etc.  But there’s a tiny chance that she could be called to give evidence, so we’re not allowed to talk.

I know that it’s the justice system, but it’s absolutely ridiculous.  Until the trial is over I’m not allowed to talk about it, so I’m just left with all these feelings and fears that I’m not allowed to give a voice to.  Not exactly great for my mental health.

But, tomorrow there should be a verdict.  Holy crap.

My birthday

I haven’t had the time to write anything for a few days – have been so busy.  The day after we got back home, Friday, I spent most of the day decorating and sorting out food and various other things.  On Saturday I had a hair appointment and in the evening it was my murder mystery party.

I had such a great night.  Loved every minute of it.  For those few hours I completely forgot about the court case and instead I thoroughly enjoyed my party.  There was laughter, outrage at being murdered, intrigue, blackmail… I had so much fun.  I hope everyone else did as well.

Today is my actual birthday.  Can’t believe I’m 25… It’s a slightly muted affair today.  I opened all the cards and presents, absolutely love everything I was given.  I have very generous friends and family!!

I’m not really celebrating today though.  The trial is continuing.  There was some sort of administrative error on Friday which meant that they couldn't continue with the case until today.  I’m worried.  I’m wondering what’s happening.  It’s put a slight damper on my birthday, to say the least.

I keep thinking about things I said, things I wish I had said and things I wish I hadn't said.  I know there’s no point thinking ‘what if I had said this’ etc.  But still…  Can’t help running over everything in my mind.  I think that until a verdict is reached, I will be constantly on edge and second guessing myself.

Over the past few days I've also realised just how much work I still need to do.  I’m pretty damaged.  I’m not broken, I've glued myself back together, but the cracks are still there.  One day the cracks will be very faded scars, but for now, I have a lot of work to do.

On the night of my party it hit me just how much work I really need to do.  7 of my friend stayed the night, 3 of which were guys.  I know these men, they’re my friends.  But I still couldn't sleep.  All I kept thinking was ‘there are 3 guys in the house’.  These 3 guys are great, they are such lovely people.  They’re friends.  But he was my friend as well, or at least, I thought he was my friend.  I know now that he was just a pedophile pretending to be my friend, grooming and molding me.

But… I really did think of him as my friend.  And he raped me.  And I’m furious with him.  Because not only did he ruin my childhood, but he has completely destroyed my trust.  I find it incredibly difficult to trust anyone, but men in particular.  Apart from my Dad, there is only one man that I can think of that I would trust with my life, and that’s one of my oldest friends, D. 

And I hate him for it.  These guys that stayed over are great guys – for crying out loud, most of them were staying over with their girlfriends!  But I just could not sleep.  All I kept thinking was ‘there are 3 guys staying the night in my house, I am not safe’.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  I ended up staying awake until 5am, until I was too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

I wouldn't have had it any other way though – I am glad that these guys stayed over.  The 8 of us had one hell of an after-party which was just awesome.   I just wish I could trust more easily and I wish the friendship of men didn't make me feel afraid.

I guess that’s something to work on with my psychologist.  And have no doubt - I will work on it, and I will fix myself.  In the meantime, I'm not going to let my past dictate my future, nor will I let my past dictate who I am friends with.  I'm young and I deserve to have fun, dammit!

Testifying again

1:10am – Please brain, please let me go to sleep.  It’s actually hurting my eyes to have them open to type this, but I just can’t get to sleep.  I’m so, so tired.  Why can’t I sleep?  I need to be on top form for tomorrow.  I need to be at my best, because I’m going to be hit with the defense’s full strength.  I need to be well rested so that I’m capable of defending myself from the defense.  This is awful.  Please brain, let me sleep.

1:40am – Still can’t sleep.  I’m tossing and turning.  I’m trying to empty my mind, to steady my breathing.  I’m using all the tricks in the book to help me sleep and nothing is working.  I've given up for now.  I’ll try again in a little while.

I forgot to mention before, what with everything else that’s going on – but the defense doesn't have the link to my blog.  Thank God for small mercies.  It turns out that my parents gave the link to the police (which I knew about, after they had given it) and the police told the defense that I had a blog.  I thought that meant that they had given them the link, but they haven’t.  All that they’re required to do by law is to let the defense know if its existence, they don’t have to let them know of the location.  So that’s good.

My family and friends are also being amazing.  I’m getting so many texts, emails and messages on Facebook wishing me luck, and telling me that they’re praying of me/thinking of me/sending me positive vibes.  The support is overwhelming.  I have some pretty amazing people in my life, which I am extremely grateful for.

I wonder what he’s doing right now?  Is he managing to get any sleep?  Is he as worried as I am?  Or is he confident that he’s going to get away with it, because people like him always get away with it?

I know that no matter what happens, I've done all that I can.  But that’s only a small comfort.  To be honest, it’s not very comforting at all.

Things keep going round and round in my head.  I keep thinking about what the defense said, and how frustrating it is that I’m not allowed to tell the whole story.  I hate the fact that the law is bending over backwards to accommodate him, whereas it is bitch-slapping me in the face.  I now understand when people say that it’s like being raped all over again.  Because that’s exactly what it feels like.

All I can do is stay calm, to not rise to the bait.  When she is bombarding me with things like ‘I think that’s not what happened, I think this happened, I think that happened, I think you’re mis-remembering etc.’, all I can do is to keep repeating ‘no’, over and over again.

Isn't it true that you only met when you were 16?

No.

Isn't it true, in fact, that you never met?

No.

Isn't it true that there was no mention of anything sexual?

No.

I think you’re misremembering.

No.

I think you’re over exaggerating.

No.

I think you like to tell stories and make things up.

No.

On and on and on it goes.  On the bright side, however, is the fact that I’m not stupid.  Okay, I’m not exactly a genius, but I’m not dumb either.  So when she asked me why, when I was in my early teens, I searched for something along the lines of ‘rape support, rape laws, falsely accused rape, incest, pedophilia’ etc etc.  I told her the truth.

I was doing a presentation for school.

As a young teenager you chose the topic of pedophilia?  Doesn't this, in fact, mean that you knew what was happening to you, that you would have told someone when you realised it related to you?  That, in fact, you’re making the whole thing up and none of this ever happened, but that you like the attention?

We all had to choose a topic that would have a big impact – some of my friends chose domestic violence, testing on animals for cosmetic reasons, famous serial killers and so forth.  I wanted mine to have an impact as well so I chose that subject, as not long ago the famous pedophile Marc Dutroux had escaped from prison and was always on the news, that’s what gave me the idea for my presentation and I never associated it with me, because I thought that he was my friend, I trusted him.

I don’t think she was expecting my answer to be so coherent.  But, like I said, I was telling the truth.  I swore on the Bible to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

Yes, looking back now I can see that he was grooming me, that he was using me for his perverted sexual pleasure.  But at the time I didn't realise this.  I thought I had made a cool older friend.  I was being bullied at school, I was fat, I was shy.  Then here’s this cool older guy that says I’m pretty, that I’m perfect as I am, that I am funny and sexy.  He listens to my dumb, childish problems.  He treated me like an adult, he listened to me.  And when he asked me if I’d ever kissed or touched anyone, I thought he was just interested in me.

Now, as an adult looking back, I can see all the obvious warning signs.  I can see exactly what was happening.  At the time I thought I’d made a new friend, and I didn't want to disappoint him by being childish in case he stopped being my friend, so I did what he wanted.

But at the time I didn't know what was happening, I couldn't see it.  I was a child.  I know it wasn't my fault.  But the defense keeps pushing and pushing at me, blaming me, calling me a liar, that I’m doing this for the money, that I’m living in a fantasy world, that I've got the wrong guy and so on.

It’s draining.  So draining.

And that was only round 1.  Round 2 is tomorrow (or rather, today).  And I’m dreading it.

Why am I being punished for being abused?   I hate this so much.

2:40am – Sorry about my last entry, I know I rambled quite a bit.  I’m just so unbelievably tired and can’t think straight.  I’m leaving it in, because I think it’s a pretty accurate representation of where my head is at the minute.

I desperately need sleep.  Why can’t I bloody well get to sleep?  I’m about to cry tears of utter frustration.

1:30pm – I eventually managed to get to sleep sometime between 3-4am.  I did not want to get up this morning.  Am exhausted.

We arrived in court just before 10am.  There was another woman in the witness lounge and we got talking, she was telling me about her case (not going to go in to details, but she was here for a domestic violence case as the victim).  Talking to her helped me quite a bit, I forgot why I was here for a while, and was just listening to her.

Then at just after 11am I was called through to the witness box.  I was reminded that I’m still under oath.  Then the prosecution (the good guys) questioned me.  So many questions.  Entries from my diary were read out – my Lord, I was such a melodramatic child!  It was quite hard to read it, especially in front of everyone.  I wrote a lot of crap about my parents, saying I hated them,  I wrote about my self-harm and bulimia, I wrote about silly childhood crushes etc.  It was embarrassing having my life dissected.   The validity of my diary was questioned etc.

Then questions about the internet history were asked, about all the porn sites he sent me.  I told the truth, that I can’t remember the names of them so couldn't confirm for definite, but that if you looked at the times of them it was around the time that I was on the computer etc.

Then she asked me why I only went to the police as a young adult, and not as a child.  I again told the truth.  That I didn't tell anyone, that it took me years to tell my psychologist and then it was only with her help and support that I was able to tell my parents, months afterwards.

Now the court has broken up for lunch.  I was being questioned for almost 3 hours.  And that was only the prosecution.  At 2pm I have to go back to be interrogated by the defense.  I’m terrified.

When I was brought back to the witness area, I was shaking so much I couldn't even hold and drink my cup of coffee for fear of spilling it.  I've had two cigarettes and I’m about to have another.  I cried and hugged my Mum.

I also prayed.  The chapel wasn't open, but there’s an empty room that I was allowed to use, and I prayed.  I cried a bit.  I asked for strength.

I feel a lot calmer now.  I’m still shaking a bit and I’m still terrified, but I feel calmer.  I trust in God, He gives me strength.

Oh man, I’m absolutely terrified to be interrogated by the defense again, to be called a liar, a money-grabber etc etc.  I want this to be over.

10:00pm – I’m at home now.  Ended up being questioned by the defense for 45 minutes.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not – 45 minutes.  It was still pretty awful.  She kept phrasing things in a way that made me look awful.

She also asked the question about why it took so long for me to report, especially as there could be other victims.  And that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life – knowing that, because of me, he could have hurt someone else.  Because I was too weak to come forward.  Yes, he would be ultimately to blame, but I could have stopped him.  Potentially, someone’s ruined childhood is on my hands.  And I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  It haunts me.

She asked so many other questions, made out the diary was fake, that I had just written it, that I had only mentioned him a few times and he was just a friend etc.  I only mentioned him a few times because at the time I was terrified that my Mum would find my diary and read it and find out about him.

It was awful.  She hadn't quite finished her questioning, but the T-loop system broke, so I couldn't hear a thing.  I was dismissed. 

I came out of the courtroom and found my parents.  I broke down crying.

My police liaison officer has just been amazing throughout all of this.  She is absolutely fantastic.  So is the kick-ass detective.  Couldn't ask for better.  They’re both absolute stars.

I’m home.  The drive back was long, and I couldn't sleep.  Was too agitated, so I kept my parents company while one drove and the other had a nap, and I am now home.  I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.

I just want this nightmare to be over.  I’m drained – emotionally and physically.  Exhausted.  Depleted.  I just want this to be over.

The diary

2:40pm – Today could not have gone any better!!!  Well, I suppose if he had decided to plead guilty there and then, that would have been better.  But seriously, it’s fantastic today!

As you know, last night a friend of ours searched our house and find the diary.  I wasn't able to tell my parents why I needed the diary, just that it was important.  Then when the friends rang and told us they had found the diary... fantastic!

Then the question was – how are we going to get it to London overnight?  First we tried to find somewhere that would post it overnight.  Far too expensive.  A friend of the family friends said he would drive down for cash.  My parents said yes.  Again, I couldn't tell them why I needed the diary, just that it was of the utmost importance.

At 1am in the morning, the guy arrives at our hotel and gives my Dad the diary, who gives it to me.  I read it.  All the entries are dated, making it obvious that I was about 14 when I wrote in it.  There are only a few entries, and some pages are missing as the diary is falling apart.

But – I mention him!!  This proves that his defense is a lie.  It proves that we knew each other when I was 14.  It proves that I was telling the truth, and he was lying.

So, I tell the kick-ass police detective and handed it over today at the court.  We all sat waiting around in the witness lounge.  At about midday we’re told that the trial has been adjourned for the day, as his lawyer and he have a lot to discuss, and they need to figure out where to go from here.  This means that the diary has been allowed in as evidence, despite it being handed in at such short notice.

But it’s made a HUGE hole in his defense.  It proves he was lying.

So now, him and his lawyer need to talk about what to do next.  Who knows – he might even plead guilty!  That’s the best possible outcome.  The worst outcome is that it’s accepted as evidence (which I've been told it has been) and I’m questioned about it.  But there’s not much the defense can really say – it’s written in black and white.

So, for today, there’s nothing more I can do.  I’m still under oath so I’m not allowed to talk about it with anyone – which is SO frustrating.  I’m desperate to talk about it, to talk about what I went through in court, why the diary is so important etc.  But I can’t yet.

We’ll see what happens tomorrow.  But right now, I feel like a million dollars.  I feel like I could run a marathon.  I feel like I’m on top of the world.  I feel – wait for it – happy!  This is amazing.

4:15pm – Sometimes  I hate my brain.  I always think of the worst possible thing that could happen.  I try to be an optimistic person, and for the most part I am.  But sometimes it’s difficult.  Like now.  I’m thinking ‘what if his lawyer tries to ask for a mistrial, because the evidence came too late?  What if the judge accepts and then I have to go through all this again, and he changes his story so that the diary doesn't matter?’

I don’t know how the legal system works, so I don’t know if that’s plausible or not.  And I can’t ask anyone, because I’m not allowed to talk about it.

I hate not being allowed to talk about it.  These laws are there to protect him, not me.  I’m not allowed to mention the rape, even if I didn't use the word rape and said ‘at 17 we had sex, and he said it was consensual’, or something like that.  Because that would also prove that he’s lying (as the police told me it was a case of he said/she said and because it happened so long ago, there’s no evidence to support me.  So he must have made a statement saying we had sex, but it was consensual).  But that statement isn't allowed to be shown, even though it would prove he’s a liar.

His defense is basically; we talked online for up to 9 months when I was 16.  We never met.  It was purely platonic.  Well, my diary shows that we talked AT LEAST from the age of 14.  That statement would show that it was not platonic and that we did meet.  It would prove that he’s a liar.

But because of the law, he is protected, and I’m the one put on the stand and accused of being a liar and a money-grabber.

Oh yeh – I was also pretty much accused of being a child-slut.  That I was talking to lots of different people (men) online and met up with them so it’s impossible to remember which one actually hurt me.  I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!  I was fucking TWELVE years old.  He was the only one I talked!  And I think I would remember who fucking sexually abused and raped me!

Urgh.   The sooner this is over with, the better.

5:10pm – I've just had a text from my liaison officer.  She says the diary has definitely been accepted as evidence.  YES!!!  And I have to be at court for 10am tomorrow, which means I get a bit of a lie in.  She hasn't said anything else, so I guess that means he’s not pleading guilty and will somehow try and explain away the diary.  So I need to prepare myself.  I think it will be another difficult day tomorrow.

But, I’m trying not to think about it.  One day at a time.  Today was a good day.  Today I proved he was lying.  Today I shook him up.  Today was a victory for me.  I’m going to try and reclaim the happy feelings I had a few hours ago, and deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

9:10pm – All I keep thinking is “it’s almost over.  It’s almost over”.  Tomorrow should be the last day that I’m needed in court.  The trial won’t be over, but my part in it will be.  I just need to get tomorrow over and done with. 

Oh please let it be finished tomorrow.  I don’t want to stay another night in London.  I want to go home.  I want to get as far away from London as I possibly can.

Tomorrow will be horrible.  I know this.  I know that the defense has to up her game since I handed in my diary.  I don’t know what she’s going to do or say, but I know it will be awful.  I know it will be worse than the first time, as now there is proof that her client lied.  So she needs to push and push and push at me until I break, she will pour over every detail to try and trip me up.  I know she will.  But I will not break, I will not let her trip me up.  I will be honest.  I don’t remember every single detail.  It happened 12 years ago.  How am I supposed to remember all the details?

She will try and goad me in to arguing with her.  She will do everything in her power to try and discredit me.  I don’t know what she’s going to say.  But I know it’s going to be awful.

I will survive.

But I am dreading it.

11:40pm – I can’t sleep.  I’m so tired.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  But when I close them – nothing happens.  I lie there, not being able to sleep.  I toss and turn.  I can’t get comfortable.  And all that’s running through my head is tomorrow – what will happen? 

I was elated this afternoon.  I thought, right, this is it, he can’t possibly get out of this one. 

Now I’m not so sure.  He’s a weasel.  He’s slippery.  He can get out of this.  He’s got a really good lawyer (or barrister, whatever the term is) fighting in his corner.  My lawyer is awesome.  She’s fantastic – I couldn't ask for a better one.  But his is pretty damn good as well.  I just know she’s going to somehow twist my words.

And I know I shouldn't be thinking this.  But I keep thinking ‘why me?’  Why did this have to happen to me?  Why do I have to be going through this?  No one ever said life was fair, and aint that the truth.  If it was fair, then I never would have met him, I never would have been sexually abused, I never would have been raped, I wouldn't be suffering from PTSD, I would have finished university, I would be on my way to becoming a neuro-psychologist and my best friend would still be alive.

But life isn't fair.  So instead I’m in court, facing my rapist and I’m not allowed to mention that he raped me.  

And my best friend isn't here.

This afternoon I felt like a million dollars.  Now, I feel nothing but dread and fear and [emotional] pain.  I just know that his lawyer will have some trick up her sleeve to make me out to be a liar.

And I’m scared.  Because life isn't fair.  Life has never been fair up to now, so why would it be fair in giving me a good outcome in this trial?

I know that’s wrong.  I know I shouldn't be thinking like that.  I know that whatever happens, I can only do my best and it’s all God’s plan.  But I’m not perfect, I can’t pretend to understand God’s plan, and right now, I feel hopeless.

Life has never been fair to me up until now, so why would it suddenly change and things go my way?  And yes, I realise I’m having a self-pitying moment.  I don’t often have them, so I think I’m allowed to indulge in one right now.