I did it. I faced the monster from my nightmares. And I realised that he is nothing but a cowardly little weasel.
I hardly slept at all the night before. I couldn't eat anything in the morning. I kept thinking "in a few hours I will come face to face with the man that ruined my childhood". I was terrified.
My Mum and I arrived at the courthouse at about 9.30am. My Aunt arrived soon afterwards. The sentencing ended up being at about 10.30am. Walking in to the courtroom was slightly terrifying - his family and friends were already seated on the left side, and all of them glared at us. It was slightly intimidating. However - I had my wonderful Police Liaison Officer with me, a detective and security. I was safe.
He entered. The judge entered. The barristers did their thing. The whole thing took about an hour and a half.
I needed to build up my courage to look at him, but once I had built that courage up, I spent almost the entire time staring at him. Throughout the 90 minutes, he looked my way only three times. The first two times lasted for about a second - he could not actually bring himself to look directly at me. In fact, he was determined to look anywhere but at me.
It wasn't until that moment - when he looked at me and then quickly looked away - that I realised something. I realised that I am strong. I realised that he is weak (my actual thoughts were "you pathetic, weasel-y little bitch"). People have been telling me this for a long time, that I am strong. But I didn't feel strong myself, I didn't feel brave or courageous. Until I realised that he couldn't bring himself to look at me.
What a pathetic, horrible little man.
And then when the judge started giving the sentences... oh how my heart soared! She read through each charge, giving the sentencing for each one. I was desperately trying to work out in my head what they all added up to. I thought I must have made some sort of mistake... but then she said "that gives you a total of 13 years and two months".
13 years and two months!!!!!!!!
I wanted to scream, to jump up and down, to throw my hands up in the air. But we had all been warned to keep our facial expressions blank, in case his family saw that as a reason to start a fight.
He obviously couldn't believe it either. He was near tears. Then he composed himself. Then he was furious. Then he looked at me. I was looking at him. He quickly looked away.
The judge then asked him to sit down, as she had something she wanted to say. She then spoke to me. What she said was lovely, I was almost in tears. She said that she knows nothing will ever make up for what was done to me, that I have suffered a lot throughout the years, but that she hopes that now I can start to live my life and find peace and happiness. It was beautiful. And I love the fact that she made him listen to it.
He was then led away by security, shouting "I will prove my innocence" before the doors closed on him.
Whatever.
The remaining security then formed a barrier around us, so that his family could not get to us (I later found out that certain members of his family were looking at me in a very threatening way throughout the entire sentencing - I hadn't realised, as I was so focused on him). We quickly left through the same entrance we came in (not the main entrance to the courtroom).
As soon as we were out of that room we burst in to smiles and were hugging each other. What an amazing result! I honestly wasn't expecting it. I thought that the best we could hope for was 5 years, but that he would most likely only get 2. So for him to get 13 years and 2 months... it's just brilliant. It's the perfect number - he started abusing me when I was 12, which is 13 years ago. For 13 years I have lived in fear - now it's his turn.
We left the courthouse about an hour later. We had to leave through a different entrance, as his family were standing guard at the main entrance. It would appear that they were waiting for me. Luckily the police stayed with me, and we were walked to our cars.
It's over. It's really and truly over. I feel like I finally have closure.
I know that I still have a long way to go - I still have depression, PTSD and insomnia. But... my abuser and rapist is behind bars. He was too afraid to look at me. And by God, does that feel good!
13 years and two months!!
Friday, 18 January 2013
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Short entry
Tomorrow is the sentencing. Tomorrow I will see him. And he will see me.
The Probation Service have given their recommendation for his sentencing, and tomorrow we will find out what it is. The sentencing is at 10am. I'll be meeting my Police Liaison Officer beforehand. She's said there might be one or two police officers around with us. Just in case.
I will admit it - I'm nervous. Very nervous. Slightly scared and intimidated. But I'm also determined. And strong. I am going to walk in there tomorrow with my head held high. I am a survivor. He did not destroy me. I am going to face up to my nightmare. I am not scared of him. I will face him. I will look him right in the eye and show him that I am not afraid.
The Probation Service have given their recommendation for his sentencing, and tomorrow we will find out what it is. The sentencing is at 10am. I'll be meeting my Police Liaison Officer beforehand. She's said there might be one or two police officers around with us. Just in case.
I will admit it - I'm nervous. Very nervous. Slightly scared and intimidated. But I'm also determined. And strong. I am going to walk in there tomorrow with my head held high. I am a survivor. He did not destroy me. I am going to face up to my nightmare. I am not scared of him. I will face him. I will look him right in the eye and show him that I am not afraid.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
More waiting
We drove down South on the 3rd, it was a 7 hour drive. We stayed over at my Grandparents' house, and on the 4th we drove to the courthouse. It was weird being back in the witness area. The last time I was there, I was full of uncertainty and just praying and hoping that the jury would find him guilty.
This time around, I was getting myself ready for finally facing him, for looking him in the eye and showing him that he did not break me, that I am strong, that I have the rest of my life to live.
But as it turned out, that didn't happen. He was meant to have been interviewed by the probation service in December, to see what - if any - type of threat he is. The probation service didn't interview him. Which meant the sentencing could not be done. Which meant that we had come all this way for nothing.
It wasn't the police's fault, and it wasn't the judicial system. It appears to just be one of those things, a mis-communication. However, that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I had geared myself up for seeing him. I had hardly slept the previous night. I was anxious, yet determined. I was ready to face him. And then I was told that that wasn't going to happen. I was about ready to burst in to tears of frustration.
So we drove back up North. Exhausted.
The new sentencing date is on the 16th of this month.
This time around, I was getting myself ready for finally facing him, for looking him in the eye and showing him that he did not break me, that I am strong, that I have the rest of my life to live.
But as it turned out, that didn't happen. He was meant to have been interviewed by the probation service in December, to see what - if any - type of threat he is. The probation service didn't interview him. Which meant the sentencing could not be done. Which meant that we had come all this way for nothing.
It wasn't the police's fault, and it wasn't the judicial system. It appears to just be one of those things, a mis-communication. However, that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I had geared myself up for seeing him. I had hardly slept the previous night. I was anxious, yet determined. I was ready to face him. And then I was told that that wasn't going to happen. I was about ready to burst in to tears of frustration.
So we drove back up North. Exhausted.
The new sentencing date is on the 16th of this month.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Sentencing Tomorrow
Just a quick entry today, will talk about the holidays at a later point.
I'm going back to the courthouse tomorrow for his sentencing. My Impact Statement will be read out, the lawyers will do their thing, and the judge will decide how long he should go to jail for. I will be sitting in the courtroom, in the gallery, with my Mum & my Aunt.
I don't want to do this, but I need to do this. I need to see him, to put the image that I have of him as a monster, to rest. He is just a man - a weak, pathetic man. And I need to see that to move on.
The last time I saw him was when he raped me. Tomorrow I will see him sentenced to jail.
I'm nervous and anxious. I don't want to see him, but I need to.
I'm going back to the courthouse tomorrow for his sentencing. My Impact Statement will be read out, the lawyers will do their thing, and the judge will decide how long he should go to jail for. I will be sitting in the courtroom, in the gallery, with my Mum & my Aunt.
I don't want to do this, but I need to do this. I need to see him, to put the image that I have of him as a monster, to rest. He is just a man - a weak, pathetic man. And I need to see that to move on.
The last time I saw him was when he raped me. Tomorrow I will see him sentenced to jail.
I'm nervous and anxious. I don't want to see him, but I need to.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
What I've been doing
I haven't updated for quite a while, sorry about that. I've just been trying to digest everything and wrap my head around the fact that he is going to jail.
Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened. Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that. Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail. It's fantastic. But I still have depression. I still have PTSD. I still have insomnia. I still have anxiety. Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.
I am getting there, but it's a long process. I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago. And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still. One step at a time; one day at a time.
The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now? For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown. Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given. It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?
Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement. This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim. I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well. Peace of cake. Except, it wasn't a piece of cake. It was pretty difficult.
Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft. That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started. So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!). However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.
I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank. How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph? That's a hell of a task. The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank. Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming. Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.
What else have I been doing? I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker. I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it. I enjoyed the act of smoking. I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking. But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life. I don't want to keep hurting my body. So, I stopped. I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower. A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking. And she's right.
I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun. It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.
And I've been grieving. My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly. Now I am. I miss her terribly. I talk to her. I cry. I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us. I still can't believe that I will never see her again. I will never hear her laugh. We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate). I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating. It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal. I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter. Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife. My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.
So I'm struggling with that. And I'm trying to process everything. This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail. I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying. How am I meant to deal with that?
I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail. But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend. I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it. But I just miss her so much.
Some people have said to me that I must be feeling great, that I can put everything behind me and move on and forget it ever happened. Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that. Yes, it feels absolutely fantastic that the jury saw him for the monster he is and that he is now in jail. It's fantastic. But I still have depression. I still have PTSD. I still have insomnia. I still have anxiety. Unfortunately a guilty verdict does not equal a miracle cure.
I am getting there, but it's a long process. I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was 6 months ago. And hopefully in 6 months time I will be doing better still. One step at a time; one day at a time.
The question I keep getting asked recently is; what am I doing with my time now? For the past 2 years most of my time has been spent worrying about the trial and trying not to have a nervous breakdown. Now the trial is over and the right verdict was given. It's been over two weeks since the trial finished, so what am I doing?
Well, I've been working on my Victim Personal Statement. This will be read out at the sentencing and is basically a paragraph about how the crime has affected the victim. I thought it would be pretty easy to do - unlike public speaking, writing is something that I can actually do reasonably well. Peace of cake. Except, it wasn't a piece of cake. It was pretty difficult.
Most of the time, before I write anything down, I first of all mentally write a first draft. That way I'm not sitting staring at a blank screen, wondering how to get started. So when I sit down and actually start writing, I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to say (though sometimes I can go off on tangents!). However, with the VPS, I had absolutely no idea where to start.
I would sit there, thinking about what to write, and my mind would just go blank. How do I write down the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse - and not the rape - in only one paragraph? That's a hell of a task. The more I tried to think about what to write, the more I panicked and drew a blank. Eventually, my Dad sat me down and said that we would to it together, and once I started to write it, the words kept coming. Eventually, I was able to finish it and send it to the police.
What else have I been doing? I've quit smoking, today is day 11 of being a non-smoker. I won't lie, it's difficult and I miss it. I enjoyed the act of smoking. I enjoyed socialising whilst smoking. But it was time to quit - I don't want to be a smoker my entire life. I don't want to keep hurting my body. So, I stopped. I have patches and I have a fake cigarette (which looks like a tampon, hence why I call it 'my tampon'), and I have willpower. A friend of mine said that if I can get through this year, then I can quit smoking. And she's right.
I've been socialising with my friends, going out and having fun. It's been nice socialising with everyone, without the fear of the trial looming over me.
And I've been grieving. My best friend died and I was so wrapped up in the upcoming trial that I wasn't able to grieve for her properly. Now I am. I miss her terribly. I talk to her. I cry. I punch my pillow; furious and devastated that she's been taken away from us. I still can't believe that I will never see her again. I will never hear her laugh. We will never again debate anything (she loved playing the devil's advocate). I will live the rest of my life without my best friend and that is devastating. It's a pain so deep and so raw, I don't see how it can ever heal. I don't talk about it much, because her parents have lost their daughter. Her brother has lost his sister, and her husband has lost his wife. My pain must be minuscule compared to theirs.
So I'm struggling with that. And I'm trying to process everything. This year I have experienced the ultimate high - my abuser being found guilty and put in jail. I have also experienced the ultimate low - my best friend dying. How am I meant to deal with that?
I want to be jumping up and down in the air because my rapist is in jail. But I want to take my sleeping tablets and curl up in bed and let sleep overcome me, so that I don't have to be conscious in a world without my best friend. I know she would want me to live and enjoy life, because she was so full of live and determined to make the most out of it. But I just miss her so much.
Monday, 3 December 2012
Tonight
I am very positive about the future, about my future. I have no idea what will happen, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I actually have a future - I don't have this massive secret weighing me down, I don't spend all of my energy thinking about the trial. I can actually put all of my energy in to fixing myself.
And that feels good. So good.
However, it's going to be a long, long road. Because the guilty verdict doesn't mean that I'll stop having flashbacks. It doesn't mean that I'll stop hearing his voice in my head. A guilty verdict doesn't undo what he did. What a guilty verdict does mean is that I can finally stop being scared of him - he can never hurt me again. A guilty verdict means that I can rebuild my life, and myself. It means that I can finally start to heal.
But it is difficult. Because people think 'why are you still depressed? Why are you still suffering from PTSD? Why are you still having nightmares? He's behind bars, move on'. They don't understand when I tell them that I'm still living with the consequences of his actions. He is going to serve his time - justice has been won. But I'm still living with the trauma.
It devastated me. I don't often talk about it in detail, because I know how upsetting it is for my parents. I know they read my blog, and I know that at times reading my blog is extremely painful for them. But I need to tell the truth.
Childhood sexual abuse is devastating. I was exposed to things I should never have been exposed to - not until I was sexually mature. I wasn't, I was 12. That is a long way from being sexually mature. My view on sex was completely warped. He taught me that love equals sex. He taught me that friendship equals sex. He taught me that my self-worth is intertwined with sex. He taught me that in order to be valued, I need to give some sort of sexual favour. Without sex, I was nothing.
He taught me that it doesn't matter whether or not I want to have sex - he would just take it anyway. He made me rely on him completely. He made me hate myself.
So I have a long, long way to go. I am unlearning all of this filth that he taught me. I am rebuilding myself. I am learning to recognise healthy and non-healthy relationships. I know that I am worth a hell of a lot better than the way I have been treated in the best.
In the past 13 years I have been looking to be loved, but I have been looking in all the wrong places. I have clung on to anyone that showed me any sort of interest. I have let myself be treated like dirt, because I thought that that was how you treated someone you love. I thought that that was what love is. I have done many, many things that I regret. All because I was taught that the only way to be friends or to get someone to love me was by giving away my body. So of course I attracted the wrong kind of people.
No more. I am worth more than that. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than what I have been seeking.
I'm making a lot of steps towards a healthier, happier life. But I still have a long way to go. Tonight I am suffering from insomnia. Tonight I had a flashback. Tonight I head his voice. But tonight I also realised that I wasn't scared. That I am a survivor, and that life is going to get better. Tonight I realised that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy of happiness and love, and I sure as hell won't settle for anything else.
And that feels good. So good.
However, it's going to be a long, long road. Because the guilty verdict doesn't mean that I'll stop having flashbacks. It doesn't mean that I'll stop hearing his voice in my head. A guilty verdict doesn't undo what he did. What a guilty verdict does mean is that I can finally stop being scared of him - he can never hurt me again. A guilty verdict means that I can rebuild my life, and myself. It means that I can finally start to heal.
But it is difficult. Because people think 'why are you still depressed? Why are you still suffering from PTSD? Why are you still having nightmares? He's behind bars, move on'. They don't understand when I tell them that I'm still living with the consequences of his actions. He is going to serve his time - justice has been won. But I'm still living with the trauma.
It devastated me. I don't often talk about it in detail, because I know how upsetting it is for my parents. I know they read my blog, and I know that at times reading my blog is extremely painful for them. But I need to tell the truth.
Childhood sexual abuse is devastating. I was exposed to things I should never have been exposed to - not until I was sexually mature. I wasn't, I was 12. That is a long way from being sexually mature. My view on sex was completely warped. He taught me that love equals sex. He taught me that friendship equals sex. He taught me that my self-worth is intertwined with sex. He taught me that in order to be valued, I need to give some sort of sexual favour. Without sex, I was nothing.
He taught me that it doesn't matter whether or not I want to have sex - he would just take it anyway. He made me rely on him completely. He made me hate myself.
So I have a long, long way to go. I am unlearning all of this filth that he taught me. I am rebuilding myself. I am learning to recognise healthy and non-healthy relationships. I know that I am worth a hell of a lot better than the way I have been treated in the best.
In the past 13 years I have been looking to be loved, but I have been looking in all the wrong places. I have clung on to anyone that showed me any sort of interest. I have let myself be treated like dirt, because I thought that that was how you treated someone you love. I thought that that was what love is. I have done many, many things that I regret. All because I was taught that the only way to be friends or to get someone to love me was by giving away my body. So of course I attracted the wrong kind of people.
No more. I am worth more than that. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than what I have been seeking.
I'm making a lot of steps towards a healthier, happier life. But I still have a long way to go. Tonight I am suffering from insomnia. Tonight I had a flashback. Tonight I head his voice. But tonight I also realised that I wasn't scared. That I am a survivor, and that life is going to get better. Tonight I realised that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and that I am worthy of happiness and love, and I sure as hell won't settle for anything else.
Friday, 30 November 2012
Planning
I still can't believe it. He's been found guilty. I had convinced myself that they would find him not guilty, that I wouldn't be believed. I know that my case is a minority - so many rapists aren't even taken to court, and few of those that are are found guilty. Then again, mine wasn't a rape case, it was a child abuse case.
He will never be convicted of raping me. The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point. It's not the fault of the police. It's the system. But... I'm okay with that. He has been found guilty. So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that. So I am extremely thankful.
And happy. I am so, so SO happy. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer). His bail has been revoked. He is in jail. He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me. Never again.
I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had. My stomach does not like alcohol. And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration. So I'm pretty tired today. But guess what? HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on cloud nine. I feel like I've won the lottery. I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro. I feel happy.
It's not over yet though. Not by a long shot. Yes, the trial is over. That part of my life is done. His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.
But that's not what I'm referring to. Yes, the trial is over. But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape. Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore. It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.
I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.
I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.
Guilty motherfucker! Yes!!!!
So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed. But I'm getting there. As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life. Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.
And that feels good. So, so good.
So yes, I am moving on with my life. It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world. I have no weight bearing down on me anymore. I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track. And that feels amazing.
So, what are my life changing plans? Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself. I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc. But that's not all. I'm quitting smoking.
I've always said that after the trial I will quit. Well, the trial has finished. So I guess I better quit. I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc). One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?
Yes, I probably will want to smoke. Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation. I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible. But there will always be stressful situations. So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks. That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit). I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.
So. I'm quitting smoking. I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again. I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened. I enjoyed doing things. But over the past years, I've not done anything. I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself. Well, no more!
My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them! I used to love riding horses as a child. I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider. But I haven't ridden since I was about 12. I used to love it. So I'm going to start again.
There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do. Such as lessons in statistics. I hate statistics. I'm crap at it. That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough. So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons. Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!
Let's see... what else have I been putting off? Getting my first aid certificate. I used to be a qualified first aider. But I let that slide. I want it back. And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.
Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much. For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle. So I don't want to take on too much, too fast. The first step is to quit smoking. Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame). I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.
So. That's my plan. December - quit smoking. January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again. February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans. March - First Aid training. April/May - statistics lessons. Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays. I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all. But to me, all of this is huge. It's a lot. I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life. It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with. But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!
I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it. I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on the [long] road to recovery. I am starting to live my life. And I feel GREAT.
He will never be convicted of raping me. The CPS said it was a he said/she said case with no evidence so there was no point. It's not the fault of the police. It's the system. But... I'm okay with that. He has been found guilty. So many sexual assault survivors do not even get that. So I am extremely thankful.
And happy. I am so, so SO happy. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He is no longer out on the street (or behind a computer). His bail has been revoked. He is in jail. He will NEVER hurt another child like he hurt me. Never again.
I hardly slept last night - I think it was those strawberry daiquiris I had. My stomach does not like alcohol. And I had a fair few daiquiris last night in celebration. So I'm pretty tired today. But guess what? HE'S BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on cloud nine. I feel like I've won the lottery. I feel like I can climb Kilimanjaro. I feel happy.
It's not over yet though. Not by a long shot. Yes, the trial is over. That part of my life is done. His sentencing is on January 4th, and I need to prepare an impact statement for that, and I will see him in court when I read it out.
But that's not what I'm referring to. Yes, the trial is over. But I'm still living with the effects of the abuse and rape. Just because he has been found guilty doesn't mean that I'm magically cured of my PTSD & depression. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly not anxious anymore. It doesn't mean that I will stop having nightmares, or flashbacks or panic attacks.
I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. But it's made a hell of a lot easier by the fact that HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY.
I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying that.
Guilty motherfucker! Yes!!!!
So yeh, I'm still living with the aftereffects of what happened, and it will take a lot of work for me to actually be healed. But I'm getting there. As my Mum pointed out, for all of these years I have been living in a prison that he made for me, while he got to live his life. Now I get to live my life while he's in prison.
And that feels good. So, so good.
So yes, I am moving on with my life. It will take some time, but I've got all the time in the world. I have no weight bearing down on me anymore. I have nothing stopping me from moving forward and fixing myself and getting my life back on track. And that feels amazing.
So, what are my life changing plans? Well, I will continue seeing my psychologist so she can help me fix myself. I have a lot of issues to work through - my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my trust issues etc. But that's not all. I'm quitting smoking.
I've always said that after the trial I will quit. Well, the trial has finished. So I guess I better quit. I went to the doctor's to talk about the support that's available to quit, and I'm going back next week for a proper appointment, to talk about what would be best for me (patches, gum, fake cigarette, cold turkey etc). One person pointed out that on the 4th January I will actually see him in person for the first time since he raped me, and don't I want to be able to smoke then?
Yes, I probably will want to smoke. Yes, it's going to be an extremely stressful situation. I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible. But there will always be stressful situations. So, the sentencing is in exactly 5 weeks. That means that I will have been a non-smoker for 4 weeks (I've tried quitting before, and it's never worked, so this time I'm going to do it the right way, with help - like I said, going to the doctor's next week, so next week I will quit). I will want to smoke, but I don't want to be a smoker my whole life.
So. I'm quitting smoking. I'm also going to start taking up hobbies again. I had so many hobbies as a child, before all of this happened. I enjoyed doing things. But over the past years, I've not done anything. I've been too damaged and scared to enjoy myself. Well, no more!
My parents got me horse-riding lessons as a birthday present, and I fully intend to use them! I used to love riding horses as a child. I used to enter competitions, and was a pretty good rider. But I haven't ridden since I was about 12. I used to love it. So I'm going to start again.
There's also a few things that I don't particularly want to do, but I know I should do. Such as lessons in statistics. I hate statistics. I'm crap at it. That's probably because I never really paid much attention to it, as just getting up, showered and dressed to go to the lessons was difficult enough. So, before I start university again in October, I'm going to take statistics lessons. Statistics is a pretty big part of a psychology degree, so it will be good to actually be able to understand it!
Let's see... what else have I been putting off? Getting my first aid certificate. I used to be a qualified first aider. But I let that slide. I want it back. And I want to go back to work for the Samaritans - I've been on a leave of absence this past year while I've been dealing with everything.
Now, I'm not going to go crazy and overwhelm myself by taking on too much. For years I have done nothing because just getting out of bed was a struggle. So I don't want to take on too much, too fast. The first step is to quit smoking. Then in the new year I will start horse-riding again, and about a month or so after I've started riding again, I will go back to the Samaritans (want to wait until the sentencing is over and I'm back in the right mind frame). I have looked at the First Aid courses available, and I am putting my name down for one in March. And around Easter time I will look in to statistics classes.
So. That's my plan. December - quit smoking. January - go to the sentencing, then start riding again. February - go back to volunteering for the Samaritans. March - First Aid training. April/May - statistics lessons. Not forgetting my BSL classes either, which are every Thursday and some Saturdays. I know that to most people that doesn't seem like much at all. But to me, all of this is huge. It's a lot. I'm going from barely getting out of bed to actually having a life, and enjoying that life. It will be tough, I still have the PTSD and depression and all the other stuff to deal with. But dammit, it's my life and I'm gonna live it and enjoy it!
I've just realised that this is a rather long entry, and I'm not really saying much in it. I guess what I wanted to say was this: HE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY. I'm on the [long] road to recovery. I am starting to live my life. And I feel GREAT.
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