Fear

When you've been raped, or assaulted, it changes your whole world. You always knew that the world can be a dangerous place and that you should be careful. But (everyone always says this, I know), you never think it will happen to you. You never think that someone - someone you know, or a complete stranger - will hurt you.

So when it does happen, it turns your world upside down. You realise what a horrible and dangerous place this world can be. You realise that there people out there that don't think twice about hurting you. Suddenly, every place you visit has the possibility of being dangerous. Every person you meet could possibly hurt you.

Being so close to danger makes you think about your own immortality and vulnerability. The world isn't a safe place, someone could come at you any minute and hurt you again. Actually realising that, knowing that, shakes you to the core. Being powerless to stop yourself from being violated and hurt, knowing that there is nothing you can do, that you are at the mercy of someone else - there are no words to describe that feeling. Everything you knew about the world dissappears and is replaced with the knowledge that your body, your life, isn't always yours to control.

And that is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.

After the rape happened, I tried to block it out. I tried to pretend it didn't happen. I tried to act normal. Then I went to university and threw myself in to life there. I went to lectures, did my work and enjoyed student life. Then one night, the bubble I had tried to build around what had happened to me, burst. I was out clubbing with my friends when I managed to get seperated from them. I ended up dancing with this guy, another student, who then proceded to grope me. He had his hand around my wrist and wouldn't let me leave. His hands were all over my body, feeling me. I couldn't get away, and the people around me just ignored what was happening. I completely freaked out. Eventually, one of my friends found me again, and the man left. But I was shaken. I was close to tears and was completely and utterly terrified.

The first thing I did when I got back the halls of residence was have a shower. By being groped, all the pain, shame and fear of being abused and raped came flooding back to me. I broke down in tears, sobbing and shaking in the shower. Something then switched in my mind - no longer could I pretend everything was fine. Nothing was fine. I had been groomed and sexually assaulted as a child, raped as a teenager and forcibly felt-up as a student. The world was a horrible and dangerous place. I wasn't safe anymore. There was a potential threat everywhere.

I refused to leave my apartment at the halls of residence. I locked myself away - refusing to even go downstairs to check the mail. The only place I was safe was inside. If I tried to leave the flat, I ended up having a panic attack - breaking out in a cold sweat, shaking and gasping for breath. I couldn't bring myself to confront the world, it was just too dangerous.

Luckily, my friends and family were extremely supportive - though they couldn't understand what had made me develop this fear of the outside world. The staff at the university were also very supportive and allowed me to do everything online.

Eventually I came to a realisation; if I didn't do something now, I would develop full-blown agoraphobia and end up living my whole life indoors. I didn't want to leave the flat, but I knew I had to. So, after a month of not leaving my apartment, I started to go to counselling. It was terrifying. I was shaking with fear. The only thing stopping me from breaking down in the street crying, were two of my friends. They said that they wouldn't leave my side and that I would be okay. They took it in turn to walk me to my counselling session and wait for me. I honestly think that without them, I wouldn't have found the strength to leave the apartment.

Eventually, I was able to go to shops - but only if someone was with me. I started to venture out more and more. The breakthrough came when I was able to go down and get my mail - alone. Then when I was out with a friend, she went to the toilet, and I was able to stand there outside the toilets, by myself.

I was still absolutely terrified of the world, but I knew I couldn't live my life caged in.

I'm a lot better now, but there are still things I refuse to do. I refuse to walk anywhere alone at night. Even if it's twilight and the place I want to get to is 5 minutes away - I will not walk there alone. I will find someone to walk with me, or I will drive or take a taxi. If I'm going somewhere and I know I will be there for a while and it will be dark when I want to go home, I will drive there. One or two times I've walked alone in the dark - and I've always regretted it as I ended up working myself in to a right state; heart pounding, sweat dripping, adrenaline flowing etc. It's not worth getting myself in such a state.

People think I'm being lazy or weird - but I refuse to do it. This does mean that I sometimes miss out on social events, but I figure it's a small price to pay.

I still get frightened - a lot. Most people don't realise, as I can come across very confident and strong, but a part of me is still scared. No matter where I am, I always know where the nearest escape route is. If I'm walking around, alone, during the day, I always have my keys on hand, ready to defend myself. I try to always be aware of my surroundings and the people near me.

It also takes me time to trust people. I once trusted a man, and he ended up hurting me, badly. So I'm careful with who I trust. Once I trust someone, I will be at ease around them. It takes a lot to trust someone, but it also takes a lot to break that trust.

I know that there are horrible people out there. However, I know that most people are decent human beings that wouldn't dream of hurting anyone. That doesn't stop my fear though, but it is something I'm learning to control.

Maybe one day I'll be able to walk to the corner shop alone when it's twilight. But right now, that day is a long way away.

Me