Anger

I used to be filled with such anger, such rage, it was difficult to contain it. I was so angry at the world. It's hard to find words to describe my anger - no words seem strong enough. It wasn't just anger either; it was tinged with sadness. Sometimes I didn't know whether to scream or cry. I often did both.

Growing up, I couldn't understand why I always felt so angry. I thought there was something wrong with me. It took me years to realise and to admit to myself that I had been sexually abused and raped. Growing up, I hadn't realised what was happening to me. After all, I was a child - I didn't know what grooming meant, I didn't know what sexual exploitation meant. So how on earth could I apply those words to myself?

I didn't understand why I was so angry and upset. I would talk to him about it. He tried to soothe me, to calm me down. I felt like he was the only one that I could talk to, that could understand me. I didn't realise that he was the one that was creating my problems and using them to control me.

I thought he was my best friend, when in fact, he didn't care about me at all. All he cared about was himself and satisfying his urges. He knew exactly why I was feeling the way I did. He knew he was hurting me. He knew he was destroying my innocence. He just didn't care. The more angry and depressed I felt, the more I turned to him to help me and the worse I felt. It was a vicious circle that I wasn't even aware of.

Yet he knew exactly what he was doing. And he decided that the fall-out was worth it. He decided that my emotional, physical and sexual well-being were a small price to pay compared to the satisfaction he was getting. He knew that years in the future I would fall apart and he didn't care. I would be out of his life by then, so what did it matter to him? By the time that I crashed and burned, he would be long gone.

It is a difficult thing to realise; that you are less than nothing to someone. That you are worth less than something you would scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

I often wonder what my life would have been like had it not been for him. Would I have self harmed? Would I have suffered from bulimia? Would I have developed anxiety and suffered from panic attacks? Would I have purposfully made myself fat to try and make myself unnatractive? Would I have been so insecure about every aspect of myself? I believe the answer is a big, fat 'NO', but I will never know. He made sure of that.

Realising just what he has taken from me makes me so angry.

He decided that it was okay to try and destroy and break me. He had no right to change my life like that. He had no right to do what he did, but he did it anyway. So, I find myself filled with this rage. He took my childhood from me. I will never get that back.

But I'll be damned if I'll let him take my future from me.

Now I know why I was filled with so much anger. Now I understand my anger. And in understanding it, I can begin to move on. One day I will no longer feel this anger, but for now it is directed where it should be; not towards myself, but towards him. No longer will I punish myself for something that is not my fault. I have managed to break free from the self-destructive cycle that I had been caught in for so long. I am now growing and becoming strong. Yes, I am still angry and frustrated. Yes, I hate the man. But I will not let him take anything else from me. I am worth more, and he doesn't deserve my tears.

I don't know how long it will take for this wound to heal, but I know it's a hell of a lot better than it was a year ago. I am finding healthy ways to cope with my anger. The most important thing that I'm doing is talking about it. I am no longer letting it eat me up. I am giving my feelings a voice to be heard, so that they can say what they want and leave. I am taking back control of my life.

God, my family and my friends give me strength. They make me realise that I don't have to go through anything alone - they make me realise that I am loved. I am no longer scared by my anger, and my anger is no longer overwhelming.

I know an important part in letting go of my anger is to forgive. I also know that I'm not yet ready for this. I want to, it is something I am working towards, but at the moment I'm not in the right place. I just can't bring myself to forgive him for what he's done to me - yet. I know it will come, but at the minute I just can't do it. Instead, I am slowly letting go of my anger.

In the meantime, I am not letting him control my life anymore. I have stopped self harming. I haven't had a panic attack in a long time. I no longer make myself sick and I am losing weight. I am slowly taking my life back. I am facing my fears head on, and in doing so some of my demons are being conquered. I am becoming the person I imagine I would have been had he not been a part of my life. I am ro longer running away from myself - I am facing myself head on and I am becoming the person I want to be.

Me