When you have been raped, it's important to control who touches you. You had been touched in a way that destroyed your faith in humanity, and you don't want that to happen ever again. At least, it's that way for me. For a long time afterwards, I didn't want to be touched in any way. I didn't want to be hugged, I didn't want to people tapping me on my shoulder, I didn't want to be touched at all.
I needed to control who touched me and when. I wanted to be the one that initiated hugging or any other form of touching. It's not that I minded being touched - I just wanted to initiate it and know it was going to happen. I hated it when people surprised me by touching my arm whilst they were talking to me, or tickled me or did anything that involved physical contact.
More often than not, when someone touched me and I wasn't expecting it, I would either jump or flinch. Even though it was all completely innocent, I hated it. I had been touched against my will once, I didn't want it to happen ever again. I knew that people touching me were doing it in all innocence. I knew it wasn't in a sexual way. I knew it was friendly. But if I wasn't expecting it then I didn't want it to happen.
I stayed like this for a long time. People just thought I was distant and aloof. They thought I was rude or a bit weird. I didn't care - I just wanted to be in control of who touched me and when they touched me.
I remember once incident, when a friend of mine accidentally brushed his hand against my backside. It was completely innocent - he hadn't even realised he'd done it, but I went crazy. I started shouting at him and asking him what he thought he was playing at. The poor guy - he had absolutely no idea what was going on.
Things are slowly changing though - I don't jump or flinch as much. I enjoy being hugged. It's nice to have human contact that is friendly. A hug is not violent, a hug is not sexual and a hug is not awful. In fact, being hugged is quite nice. Unfortunately - most people think that I don't want to be hugged because of my past behaviour.
Most times now, I don't mind when people touch me and I wasn't aware that they were going to. I've learnt that being touched isn't a bad thing. Being touched does not equal being violated in any way. Being touched can be nice - a hug is supportive and friendly, not evil.
However, there are still times though when I don't like to be touched. Those times are always when I am about to do something that confronts him. All my thoughts are focused on him - the last thing I want is to be touched in any way. The memories are too strong, the thoughts of him are too strong. When I'm in that state of mind, I don't want any physical contact - even if it's meant to be supportive. All that happens is that I end up thinking about the way he touched me.
Luckily, those moments don't happen very often - they only happen when I'm doing something that relates directly to him; like reporting him, identifying him etc. When he is all that I'm focused on, I build an emotional barrier around myself so that he can't hurt me. That barrier is also around my body - if anyone breaks through that barrier and touches me, the barrier in my mind starts to break and I feel myself crumbling emotionally.
As I said though - that doesn't happen very often anymore. For the most part, I don't mind being touched anymore. I've discovered that I quite like physical contact with other people. Hugs are nice, they make you feel good.
For me, finally admitting that is a major breakthrough - it means I'm letting the walls around myself down and letting people in. I'm not letting what he did to me dictate how I act around my friends. I'm not letting what he did to me stop me from enjoying hugs from my family and friends. I'm taking back control by opening up and enjoying physical contact.
There was a time, before I was raped, that I enjoyed hugs. He stole that from me. Well, now I'm taking that back.
A hug? Yes please!
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment