I can't say, type or even think about his name. I just can't do it. He was such a big part of my life for so long - from age 12 to 17 - but I can't even think about his name.
When I was growing up, he played a crucial part in my life. He shaped how I viewed men. He shaped how I thought about relationships and sex. Looking back now, I can see that he groomed me, that he sexually exploited me and that he raped me. But at the time it felt like he was my best friend and the love of my life. I was 12 and thought this man in his 30s was the love of my life. It felt like he was the only one I could trust.
Looking back now, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about what he did. I suffered for a long time afterwards - and I'm still suffering now. I'm on the road to recovery, but I've still got a long way to go.
And now I keep picturing him, sitting in that police station answering questions about me. Does he even remember me? He changed my life completely and for a long time it felt like he ruined me. He's never far from my mind, he's what haunts me. Yet most likely he's forgotten all about me. Can he even bring a picture of me to his mind?
I've had to rebuild my life from what felt like scratch. I've had to completely re-shape how I view men, relationships, sex and all three combined. Yet he probably didn't even give me a second thought - pushed me completely out of his mind while he went on living his happy life with his wife and three kids.
It's just... it's so hard to imagine that something that has affected me so badly and turned my world upside down (and not in a good way) probably didn't even register on his radar.
My friends and family are telling me not to be afraid anymore - that he can't hurt me. His days of hurting me, of using me, are over. They say that he should be afraid of me now, because I'm strong and standing up to him. This is all true. And I know that physically he can't hurt me anymore.
It's hard to explain, but by not remembering me, by not remembering the terror and the influence he's had on my life, that's a pain in itself. He changed everything to me, he changed me. Yet he most likely doesn't even remember me. I'm not even a blip on his radar.
For 5 years it felt like he was all I had. He destroyed my childhood - he took my innocence. And that night, the night he raped me, he took something else. He took this huge part of me, something which I can never get back. I can replace it with other things, but it will never be the same. I will always bear the scar of him. It might fade, but it will always be there.
That night was the worst night of my life. To him it was probably just a Friday.
I can't even begin to describe how painful that is.
And now, after all these years, I'm going to see a picture of him and identify him and start the process of taking him to trial. His face has been a thing of nightmares for so long, his face has only existed in my mind; and now I'm going to see a picture of him. A real picture - not a nightmare. And that is terrifying. It's the right thing to do, it's what I want to do. But it's painful and terrifying as well. I'm also terrified I won't recognise him... what if he's changed - what if he's put on 50 pounds, or has a beard or...
Now I just need to wait to hear back from the police and decide on a date to go to London and identify him.
In the meantime, I'm meant to continue with my life as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened, when it feels like my whole world has - yet again - been turned upside down.
Me
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