Twenty minutes

I'm in the city where he raped me. It's a big city. It's the biggest city in the UK. I'm here for a 3-day course. The course starts tomorrow and I'm very excited about it. I want to be on this course.

Yet right now, I can't sleep. My hotel is very close to where the course is held. Yes, it's a big city. I'm just very aware of the fact that the place where he raped me is less than 20 minutes from my hotel. The thought that keeps going round and round in my head is 'twenty minutes'. That place is the place that plagues my dreams and turns them into nightmares, and it's so close to me.

It also means he won't be far from here either. The place where it happened isn't far from where he lived. Which means he's not far from me.

Everywhere I look I'm seeing him.

My Mum wanted to come with me to offer me support. I declined her offer. I've travelled alone so many times I've lost count - I'm not about to let fear stop me from being independent. I do not want to be afraid. I refuse to let him stop me from enjoying myself. I know the probability of seeing him is beyond miniscule and really, what is there to be afraid of? He can't hurt me anymore - there's no way in hell I'm letting him hurt me ever again. So what exactly am I scared of?

I suppose part of me is still that scared and trusting child that he hurt and molded and almost destroyed. I know I'm an adult. I have grown a hell of a lot since he last saw me. I'm not the meek little girl I once was. I am a strong woman, not a weak, frightened child. Yet a part of me will always be that child. I put my trust in this man and he betrayed me, badly. He stole my innocence, he stole a part of me that I will never get back.

I fear him because he took a part of me. I fear him because he hurt me. I fear him because when I remember him I remember the weak child I once was.

As I said before, the chances of seeing him are tiny. I am not going to hide myself away in my hotel room just because there's less than 1% chance of running in to him. In fact - I went out for dinner with an old friend of mine and I had a lovely time.

I'm just very aware of where I am and I know I'm extremely jumpy and wary right now. Being this close to where it happened and where he lives also means that memories are coming flooding back; hence why I can't get to sleep. I don't want another nightmare about him and with all these memories and fears, the chance of not having a nightmare about him is small.

It's just that, in the back of my mind there's a small voice whispering 'twenty minutes'.

I won't let him beat me though. I am going to enjoy this course and I'm going to enjoy seeing friends while I'm here. He's not going to stop me. I will not let him ruin my time here. Now let's hope that I can put on my armor and stop myself from being so damn jumpy and wary.

Me