This Friday

I had a fantastic time on my course - I found it amazing.

The night before the first day I only managed to get about 3 hours sleep, as I was plagued by nightmares - which wasn't surprising. After all, being so close to the place where it happened was bound to bring it to the surface and make me think about it, which in turn will make me dream about it. I was absolutely exhausted, but also determined that he wasn't going to ruin this for me. So, dosed up on caffeine I not only made it through the day; I loved every second of it.

There were, however, some times on the course that was difficult. Especially since one of the helpers looked like him. Now he was a kind of average guy that looks like a lot of people, so I'm used to that. I just think it was more difficult because I was on edge and I was thinking about him a lot. But it was fine - I managed to move past it and realise that the helper was a decent guy and not him.

I also decided to not hide away in my hotel room when the day was over. Why should I hide myself away? I'm not a scared little girl anymore. So I explored the surrounding area, making myself familiar with the area. I must admit - I was uncomfortable walking around alone by myself, but I forced myself to continue. By the end of my little exploration, I was even enjoying myself.

Night time was the worst though. Everything is always worse at night. Nothing too bad - just a lot of nightmares. I think 3-4 hours sleep was the average amount.

The police called as well. Luckily I didn't get their message until after the course was finished.

I'm going to be doing the identification on Friday. I won't lie - I'm extremely scared and nervous.

What if he's changed so much I don't recognise him? What will seeing a picture of him do to me? I haven't seen him (in person or a photo) since it happened six years ago. Yes, I see him in my nightmare - but that is completely different.

At the minute, every time I find myself with nothing to do, he pops in to my head. Every time I close my eyes; I see him. He's there, lurking, ready to jump out when I least expect him to.

I'm just very unsettled at the minute. And I'm worried that this will all be for nothing - what if I mess up and don't pick him out? It will all have been for nothing. I would never forgive myself.

Me