No shame

Why have I decided to write this blog? There are several reasons. The first being that I need a place to write down and explain all my emotions. I need to be able to write about how this has affected me. I need to write about my journey so far. Why make this blog public and not private? Because I don't believe I have anything to be ashamed about. Why shouldn't I let people know what it's like trying to heal? There is nothing shameful about trying to piece your life back together after it has been brutally ripped apart.

Rape is seen as a taboo subject in our society. Yes, it's talked about. Women are constantly bombarded with messages about our safety -'don't go out alone', 'you are vulnerable', 'don't trust men'. But the aftermath is never talked about. Trying to recover from rape is seen as a taboo subject. God forbid anybody mentions their gut-wrenching self-loathing. This feeling that society has towards rape recovery - that it is something that needs to be swept under the carpet, deal with it quietly without causing a fuss - needs to be stopped.

If you mention the term 'rape victim' or 'rape survivor', immediately people treat you differently. They are afraid that if they say the wrong thing they will break you. They are embarrassed for you. They feel pity for you, and at the same time they are grateful it didn't happen to them. Some may even feel shame for feeling this way. I want to say - there should be no shame on either side, there should be no embarrassment and there should be no pity.

There is nothing shameful about fighting to regain some normality in your life. There is nothing shameful about talking about how empty, hateful and scared rape has left you. Society sees you as wounded, as someone with so much baggage that you can barely focus. Society is embarrassed about you. And that needs to be stopped - society needs it's eyes opened. Only by openly talking about rape and its effects do you make people realise that there is nothing to be ashamed about, and that it is a subject that needs talking about.

There is also this idea that rape victims (or survivors) need to be handled with care, that we are damaged goods, that we are as fragile as an eggshell. Yes, being raped completely strips you to the core - in one instant everything you thought you knew about the world and about yourself is violently changed for good. As a friend of mine says, you are completely stripped bare. But you then build yourself back up - and again, this is a long road with many pitfalls and stumbles - and eventually you are stronger than you ever thought possible.

You find a strength inside of you that you didn't realise you possessed. We are not damaged goods. We are not weak. We do not need to be 'handled with care'. We are stronger than you could ever imagine.

It's not easy though. It has taken me years to come to this realisation. It has taken me years to build up the strength to be able to talk about it. If you can't talk about it yet, that's fine. It's taken me six years. It may take other people longer or shorter - there is no time-frame on healing. Everyone is affected differently and everyone heals differently.

So, that is why I have decided to write this blog and make it public. I am aware that I couldn't have started this blog without my amazing family and friends, and especially without Liza, who was one of the first people I told and who's own blog has helped me greatly. (There is a link to her blog in the table at the side, or you can click on the following link - http://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com).

Also, if you hadn't guessed, I survived the 6th anniversary of my rape. In many ways it was a difficult day, as memories came flooding back, but in other ways it was also a good day - I got accepted on to a 3 day brain anatomy course (that's a good thing, honest!), I found out that I passed my level 2 British Sign Language exam, I saw a Sea Eagle and it was 28 days that I've given up smoking (today it's been exactly 1 calendar month since quitting). So, I've survived another year, and each year I'm getting stronger.

Me