Asking for it

Nothing gets me more angry than hearing people say someone was 'asking for it'. I don't care if a woman (or a guy for that matter) is walking around a dangerous neighbourhood at 3am completely naked. It shouldn't matter at all where a woman is, or what she is wearing. No means no.

But of course, I forget. Women shouldn't wear clothes that show skin, as that means they're asking to be raped.

Oh my God, she's wearing a bikini at a beach. She's asking to be raped.
Oh my God, it's a hot day and she's showing her midriff. She's asking to be raped.
Oh my God, she's at a club and wearing a skirt. She's asking to be raped.

To me, the phrase 'she was asking for it', is not only insulting towards to women, but to men as well. How is it insulting towards men? To me, it says the following:

As we all know, men are completely and utterly weak - they are a victim to their biological needs and urges. If women show flesh, then men are so overcome by their natural urges that they just can't resist, they must have sex with said woman right now. We women should know better - men are too weak to resist their biological instincts, therefore we must cover ourselves up completely so that we don't seduce a man to rape us. We musn't tempt men. Silly me, how could I forget?

So, not only does a woman ask to be brutally violeted, if she decides to report it she must face going through an interview - being asked to describe in detail what happened. 'Where was his hand then?' 'What did he say to you?' 'Where did he place your hand?' 'Did he put his fingers inside your vagina?'

You are forced to relive it in excruciating detail to a complete stranger. In my case the stranger was also male. Although he was a very nice man, it did not help to put me at ease.

It doesn't end there though. After being asked to be raped and describing everything in painful detail to a stranger, then comes the trial where you are forced to defend your innocence.

Victims of rape are put on trial instead of the rapist. Victims must prove their innocence, not the rapists. And unless you were a virgin when you were raped, then it was your fault. You've had sex before? Then clearly you weren't raped, you just had sex.

In my case, the police are still trying to find my rapist. I definitely want him to be found - but the prospect of a trial is extremely scary. I know it will be me that is put on trial, not him. They will paint me in a bad picture. It won't matter that he was my first - it will matter that I've slept with people since being raped. In the eyes of the court - I have slept with people willingly over the past few years, therefore I must have slept with my rapist willingly.

Oh wait... he started grooming you when you were 12? You must have asked for it.

This is what it would be like if the victims of every crime were blamed in the trial.

“Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of 16th and Locust?”
“Yes.”
“Did you struggle with the robber?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He was armed.”
“Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than to resist?”
“Yes.”
“Did you scream? Cry out?”
“No. I was afraid.”
“I see. Have you ever been held up before?”
“No.”
“Have you ever given money away?”
“Yes, of course–”
“And did you do so willingly?”
“What are you getting at?”
“Well, let’s put it like this, Mr. Smith. You’ve given away money in the past–in fact, you have quite a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you weren’t contriving to have your money taken from you by force?”
“Listen, if I wanted–”
“Never mind. What time did this holdup take place, Mr. Smith?”
“About 11 p.m.”
“You were out on the streets at 11 p.m.? Doing what?”
“Just walking.”
“Just walking? You know it’s dangerous being out on the street that late at night. Weren’t you aware that you could have been held up?”
“I hadn’t thought about it.”
“What were you wearing at the time, Mr. Smith?”
“Let’s see. A suit. Yes, a suit.”
“In other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking around the streets late at night in a clothing that practically advertised the fact that you might be a good target for some easy money, isn’t that so? I mean, if we didn’t know better, Mr. Smith, we might even think you were asking for this to happen, mightn’t we?”
“Look, can’t we talk about the past history of the guy who did this to me?”
“I’m afraid not, Mr. Smith. I don’t think you would want to violate his rights, now, would you?"

Asking for it indeed.

Me