They've found him

I'm shaking. I'm actually shaking. I'm trying my best not to cry. I'm just completely and utterly shocked and stunned. I don't know what to think. The police have just called. They think they've found my rapist. They've arrested him. They want me to go down to London to pick him out from several pictures on a computer.

He's denying all the charges. He's said I'm making it up. I feel sick. I had hoped he would confess to being a peadophile, to abusing me, so that I wouldn't have to do anything. But he's not, he's denying everything. I suppose I'm not surprised - of course he's denying it. But I did hope.

I'm going to have to see him again. I know it's only a picture, that he won't see me, I know that. It's just a picture. But I'm terrified. I'm going to see him again. After six years. The last time I saw him was the night that he raped me. And now I'm going to see a photograph of him.

What if I don't pick him out? I'm a psychology student, I know that eye-witness testimonies are flawed and unreliable. What if I pick the wrong man? What if I don't recognise him? I close my eyes and I can see him - but what if the picture I have of him in my mind is nothing like the reality? The whole case relies on me pointing him out - if I don't pick him out, then the case is dropped.

I can't even describe the range of emotions I'm feeling. I'm just in shock. I never thought this day would arrive. I'm glad it has, don't get me wrong, I want him caught, I want him in jail and punished for what he did, I want him stopped so that he can't hurt anyone else. But I'm terrified as well.

I never want to lay eyes on him again, but I know I have to. That he's been caught is a good thing. But now I have to see a picture of him, and then maybe face him in court. It's terrifying.

I feel sick.

I'm also craving a cigarette right now. I haven't smoked in 35 days, but right now I want nothing more.

I just can't begin to describe how I'm feeling. I can't stop shaking. My instinct is to withdraw into myself, to hide away and process it in my own time. To stew on it for a while. I just want to hide away, to escape everything. I know that's unhealthy and completely The Wrong Thing to do.

I just feel sick and can't stop shaking and I'm terrified of somehow messing up and ruining the police case.

Me