A&E

I was taken by ambulance to hospital last week. Turns out I damaged a ligament in my back by putting a joint out of place. I was staying at a friend's house, when I realised I couldn't move. I tried standing up, but the pain was too much. So an ambulance was quickly called.

The paramedics were two men. They seemed nice enough. But even though I was in a lot of pain, the fact that I was in an enclosed space with two unknown men made me very uncomfortable. I was very relieved when my friend decided to come with me in the ambulance. If she hadn't, I think I would have had a panic attack.

My blood pressure was extremely high. The fact that one of the men kept leaning over me and touching my back didn't help. I had to remind myself; 'these men are doing their job. These men are here to help me'. It was still difficult though.

It's no secret that I'm uncomfortable around men. I'm extremely wary of them. I realise that this isn't fair to men, as most men wouldn't hurt a woman. But I can't help it - men that I don't know make me uncomfortable. It took me a long time to be comfortable around my male friends at uni. There was no way I was going to be comfortable around these two paramedics.

I was given morphine and gas to help ease the pain. It didn't work. I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I didn't want to be out of it? Yes, I wanted the pain to go away, but I didn't want to be knocked out, I needed to be aware of what was going on around me, what they were doing.

The paramedics said the pain musn't be that bad if I'm still paying attention to my surroundings. I was desperately trying to hold back my tears and stop myself from telling him that this was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life - and I've felt a lot of pain, haven broken bones, torn muscles, used to be a self-harmer etc. I just had to know what they were doing, I couldn't afford to let myself become knocked-out and vulnerable.

Luckily, when we got to the hospital, my Mum was there waiting for me. I was put in a room and given 5 different painkillers to take as well as some more gas. That did the trick. I was pretty out of it. I seem to remember telling my Mum that I felt like the caterpillar from Alice In Wonderland, because I kept inhaling the gas.

After about 6 hours I was sent home, with an appointment to see a chiropracter on Friday.

Thinking back now, I feel sorry for the paramedics. They were doing their jobs, they were helping me. But I let my fears take over and wouldn't let them do their jobs. I guess it's something I have to work on. I need to get it through my head - most men are not evil. Most men are not rapists. Most men are nice. It's just difficult for me to actually believe that. But I'm working on it.

Me