Research

One of the benefits about studying psychology is that I have access to a lot of books and research about PTSD, pedophiles, rape etc. I probably shouldn't be looking at these topics, as I know I need to "move on". But by reading about these things, it helps me to understand my own feelings and behaviour. Once I know why I act in a certain way, then I can consciously make an effort to stop that behaviour - if it's detremental to my well being.

Let's start with PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Before it was known as PTSD, it was called shell-shock or combat-fatigue, and was only applied to soldiers that had fought in a war. In 1980, that changed. A description of PTSD by Thompson (1997) states that PTSD is an anxiety disorder which occurs in response to an extreme psychological or physical trauma outside the range of normal human experience. A lot of different experiences can cause PTSD - being in a natural disaster such as an earthquake, physical threat, witnessing other people's deaths etc. Abuse and rape also cause PTSD.

The problem with PTSD (according to Brewin, 1998) is that sufferes attempt to avoid - but cannot prevent- vivid, emotionally arousing images repeatedly intruding into their waking or sleeping minds.

Heh. Yup, that sounds about right. I constantly try and forget about what happened, I don't want to think about it. But, often when I least expect it, memories will pop up and I'm forced to think about what happened. This happened a few days ago - I met up with a friend, we went out for dinner and a few drinks. In the middle of a sentence, his face just popped in to my head. I could see him grinning at me - that awful, evil grin of his. It was like he was right in front of me. So I stopped mid-sentence, collected my thoughts, tried to push his face out of my mind and slow my breathing down (my heart had started to pound quite quickly). This happened a few times. My poor friend, she must have thought she was having dinner with a crazy person, the way I would suddenly start and stop a conversation.

Other effects of PTSD include: severe anxiety, irritability, insomnia, poor concentration, detachment, inability to feel emotion, flashbacks and distressing dreams. Coincidentally, a lot of these symptoms are similar to those of depression. Except with PTSD you are more likely to suffer from intrusive memories and feeling helpess. People that are suffering from PTSD also have a higher pain threshold, as the brain of PTSD sufferers releases far more endoprhins than is normal. (Endoprhins are natural opiates with pain-killing properties).

Now that I understand that, I can also start to understand why I self-harmed. For so long I felt numb. I felt dead to the world. Cutting and burning myself was one way that I could make myself feel something. And the pain wasn't that bad. It was just intense enough for me to feel it, but not bad enough for me to stop. And seeing my own blood helped me as well - to remind myself that I was alive, that I wasn't trapped in a nightmare.

Another major symptom of PTSD is the startle reflex. Everyone has it - if you hear a loud noise, you tense up (especially your neck muscles, as the neck is very vulnerable to injury). But if you suffer from PTSD, then you are already tense. Therefore, the starle reflex is much more intense in those that suffer from PTSD than in those that don't. Take today, for example. I was visting a dear friend of mine and stroking her dog. We were chatting about this and that. Then her dog sneezed. I jumped quite visibly, as if someone had just jumped out at me. At the minute, my startle reflex is quite bad and I find myself jumping at the smallest of things.

Right, enough about PTSD. Let's look at pedophiles. According to my books, pedophiles tend to be males, but women can be pedophiles as well. There is a distinct difference between a pedophile and a child rapist. Pedophiles are sexually attracted to children, but do not wish to harm them. They are sexually aroused by children, not by inflicting pain. Child rapists, on the other hand, get sexually aroused by children and by inflicting pain upon that child. I suppose I was lucky in that I was targeted by a pedophile, not a child rapist.

One thing which I did come across and found disturbing, was a study conducted by Hall et al in 1995. They showed men various sexual photographs and measured the arousal in the penis. It was found that 1/4 of them became aroused at child pornography. A quarter. That is an extremely scary statistic. However, other factors need to be taken into account with this one - a lot of them were already aroused when shown the images of the children and merely continued to be aroused. Fantasy must also be taken in to account - some men may fantasize about children, but would never act upon their fantasies. Just as some women fantasize about being raped, but would never want to be raped for real.

So what causes a pedophile to act on their fantasies? According to Looman (1995), pedophiles tend to fantasise about children when their mood is low, when they are feeling down. However, having these fantasies enhances their negative mood, causing them to have more fantasies which in turn enhances their negative mood even further. This downward spiral, according to Looman, could be the cause of why some pedophiles act on ther fantasies and some don't - depending how far down the spiral they are.

Pedophiles also have low self-esteem, low impulse control, low social maturity and low social skills. Most older heterosexual pedophiles have at one point been married. The man that raped me was married - he even had kids.

"Because overt physical force is seldom used in pedophilia, the child molester often denies that he is actually forcing himself on his victim. But it is disingenuous to assume that there is no coercion. The pedophile takes advantage of the naivete of the victim and of the imbalanced powere relationship that exists between an adult and a child. Sometimes the molester rationalizes that he is doing something good for the child, despite the betrayal of trust that is inherent in child sexual abuse and despite the serious nergative psychological consequences that can befall the abused child some years later."

That particular paragraph rings true. My abuser always told me that he was helping me, that what we were doing was good for me. The exact phrase he used was that "he was helping me discover myself". I can still hear him say it. "I am helping you discover yourself". It makes me sick to my stomach.

I was going to write more about pedophiles, the effects of childhood sexual abuse, rapists and the effects of rape. But I can't - I've worn myself out.

I guess having access to these books and studies is both a blessing and a curse. I want - I need - to know why I am experiencing everything. But at the same time, thinking about all of this makes me emotionally exhausted and anxious.

I know some people will say 'don't research this, try and forget about it'. My response? I've been trying to forget about it for almost half my life. So far, trying to forget about it isn't working. So instead, I want to know about it. I want to learn about it and try to understand, try to comprehend what happened to me and why.